The Gentle Giant

Dear Readers,

I love living vicariously through my characters and Brad is one who has significant resonance with me. I hope you all enjoy reading this. Feedback is always appreciated!

~M

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Brad

My name is Brad and I'm huge. I'm talking 6'4 and 245lbs of muscle. To top it off, I'm a bear and I'm only 20. Imagine a bull in the china shop, that's me. I fucking hate it. I've always heard that we want what we can't have. That is so true. I wish that I was small and delicate but I'm not. I'm a big hairy oaf.

To top it off, I tend to scare some people because of how I look. I can be walking down the street and if I accidentally bump into someone, before I can apologize, they're scurrying away.

No one would believe that I'm shy or that I've never played football or even that I'm gay. People judge me based on how I look and think that I'm untouchable. Unfortunately, because of it I don't have many real conversations with people. It doesn't help that I'm always attempting to fade into the background. It's like hiding an elephant behind a curtain.

I began attending a four-year college after getting my associates degree in junior college. I know it's ass-backwards but I hadn't really planned to go at all. I later figured that maybe I could break out of my shell if I went away to a bigger school. I ended up still being a freshman because almost none of my courses transferred over. I didn't really care though.

I decided to move into the dorms, it was easier than trying to find an apartment and commuting. I was nervous about what type of roommate I was going to get. I hoped that there wouldn't be any trouble about me being gay, and I'd never used my size as a way of intimidation before. No one knew that I was gay, but I wasn't planning on hiding. I was tired of being the shy and quiet guy who no one understood.

David

I'd just gotten to my new dormitory and I was buzzing I was so excited. New people and new experiences were always something that excited me. The first thing I did before unpacking my things was plug in my stereo. I was dancing and playing an air guitar when the door opened.

I whipped around so fast that I fell on my ass. I was laughing my head off and then I realized that I still didn't know who this person was still standing at the door. He had to be my new roommate because he had a key.

My God, he was huge. He looked like a linebacker and he was extremely hairy. Brown hair covered his arms, legs, and he had a full goatee with a five o'clock shadow. He was eyeing me cautiously as I got up.

Wow, I was about 5'7 with shoes on and he had to be about 6'3. He was still standing in the doorway so I extended my hand to him. "Hey, I'm David; you must be my new roommate. What's your name?"

He flushed a little and shook his head, "I'm sorry, I'm Brad. Yeah, I'm your new roommate." He had the softest voice I'd ever heard. Not feminine or anything. It was just a very low timbre. It sounded like he'd never raised his voice and wouldn't know how to yell.

His voice wafted over me and I let out a huge smile. This was going to be an interesting year. I wondered if he was gay like me. Oh well, I didn't think I'd have trouble with him, call it a hunch. He just had the kindest eyes I'd ever seen. I hoped that I wasn't wrong though.

Brad

I opened the door to find my new roommate dancing to some old school rock. The door must have startled him because he whipped around so fast that he fell. I didn't know what to make of that but I didn't expect him to start laughing. Oh great, I thought, he's a hottie and he has a sense of humor.

He probably wouldn't make it past my chest if we stood side by side. His hair was black and spiked but otherwise he was smooth and hairless. When he held out his hand, I couldn't help but think of him as a pixie. He was so small that I was envious and wished I could just trade places with him.

He was delicate and his emerald eyes had me groaning inwardly. He smiled at me and I was hooked. I blushed when I realized that he was waiting for me to introduce myself. He didn't seem scared of me so that was a good sign. After the intro's he just started dancing again and continued unpacking.

David

My my he was a quiet one. He hadn't said more than a couple of words since coming into the room. It didn't really bother me because everyone is different. It gave me a chance to check him out.

There was no doubt that he was a looker. The fact that he was shy just made him all the more cute. He reminded me of a gentle giant. I struck up some benign conversation and found out that we were both transfer students and we were the same age. His voice never changed tone. It was melodic in its smoothness.

I sighed a bit. He would find out I was gay soon enough and then that would put an end to my fantasies. It was never a good idea to become involved with someone like a roommate anyway. Plus, I wasn't even sure he was gay.

We became friends pretty quickly. Not best friends, but we were both really easy going. I noticed that we were the polar opposites of each other though. I couldn't wait to get involved in everything. I went to so many functions that I was quickly gaining a numerous amount of friends who all knew that I was gay.

Brad, on the other hand, seemed to want to only fade into the woodworks. I didn't understand it. People were drawn to him, whether it was because of his looks or just from the sheer size of him, but they never stayed around for long.

He was a nerd, for lack of a better word. The problem seemed to be that no one ever took him for that. Most girls thought he played sports or something and the guys; well they tried to get him to join. He'd told me that it had been like that all his life. I thought that it was sad really. He was just a regular guy but no one ever approached him like that.

We never really talked unless I initiated it so when I got back to the dorm one day, I came in asking questions. "Hey Brad, how come you don't date? I could always set you up with someone."

He looked at me and rolled his eyes. I liked that he wasn't so shy around me anymore. "Like who Dave? I haven't met one person who didn't think I was some muscle bound jock. That would be okay if they didn't seem disappointed once they found out that I've never been interested in sports and I only work out because it relaxes me."

I realized that he said 'person' and not male or female. We'd been in school for over month and I still didn't know if he was gay or not. "Plus Dave, you don't date either, and you're becoming the most popular person around."

"Hey don't look at me, we've both had offers. I just don't really want to get into that. I love meeting new people and going to all the club meetings. I love being involved and I think having someone who doesn't understand how involved I'll be will just be too complicated. So, you avoided my question and got me to answer it myself, so spill."

He blushed a little bit and I thought it was odd. "I don't know, I just want to meet someone who isn't asking what major league team I want to play for within ten minutes of meeting me. It's cheapening and I'm losing my faith in humanity."

I saw that he'd made a joke, albeit a sad one, it made me smile anyway. He saw me and returned my grin with a megawatt smile. I hated it when he did that. It transformed his face completely and his brown eyes always sparkled. It always made my stomach do flip-flops. It reminded me of what a beautiful person he was inside and out.

I didn't want to want him but I was losing that battle. I changed and left in time for my next meeting.

Brad

College was turning out to be a repetition of 'this is your life'. Sometimes it was amusing to hear what people thought I would do with my life. It's gone from wrestling to competitive body building to playing pro football or basketball. People just didn't believe that I was a nerd who loved the library more than any type of sport out there. Sure, I loved to watch them on TV, but who wouldn't?

I was at a loss as to how to find someone because not only did I have to get past people's stereotypes, I had to let people know that I was gay. Most of the girls that approached me didn't deserve to know anything about me, let alone my sexual preference. I'd been hit on by a couple of guys but I kept comparing them to a certain pixie-like guy who seemed to be ever present in my thoughts.

On top of that, I'd be seen as the aggressor or top. I didn't want to be either one, but because of my size, it's almost expected. That is, unless I get someone who is closer to my size. Unfortunately, I'm attracted to my roommate and I'm a virgin. I can't exactly pursue someone and then not know what the hell I'm doing. Plus, I was hoping that my first time would be special.

One day David came in excited as ever and damn near jumping out of his skin. He was such a ball of energy that I often wondered how he didn't drop from exhaustion. He was looking at me and cheesing like it was going out of style. "What are you so excited about?"

"I got you a date! Look, before you say anything, just hear me out. Jill from one of my groups knows you're my roommate and she knows you're not a jock. In fact, once she found that out she seemed more interested! So what do you say?"

I was so shocked that I just didn't speak for a minute. I must have been starring off into space because he started waving his hands in front of my face. He put his hands on my shoulders and gently shook me. I loved the feel of his hands on me. Every now and then, he'd pat me on the back and I'd have to remind myself not to think lusty thoughts. "I know who she is, but I can't go out with her."

His face fell a little but he just went on trying to convince me. "Why not? You told me that you wanted someone who didn't think you were a jock and here you go. Plus, she's hot."

I was a little nervous but it seemed moot not to tell him my reason. I sighed and plunged into it headfirst. "I'm gay David. I don't think Jill would appreciate me going out with her when we both want the same thing."

He sort of deflated and sat down on his bed with his mouth open. "Ok, well what about Matt from my psych class? He thinks you're hot."

I felt light as a feather after telling him and hearing his reaction. I couldn't help it, I threw my head back and hooted with laughter. "I'm sorry, that's strike two for you, I won't go out with him either, he's not my type."

He looked a bit put out and then started mumbling. I felt so great that I was still chuckling when he walked out to go to his next class.

David

So he was gay! That just made my life a whole lot harder. I was glad when Jill and I were talking because it presented the perfect opportunity to find out if he was gay. Now that I knew that he was, how was I gonna keep my hands and thoughts to myself? And what was it about Matt that he didn't like? Matt was a bear like him. Maybe he liked twinks or really effeminate guys.

I'd never seen him laugh like that. All of the muscles in his neck were corded, and he actually hooted. It was so sexy that I just wanted to bite the spot of exposed skin. I had to leave. His laugh was affecting me too much. That beautiful smile of his was doing things to me.

I went to class but I couldn't concentrate very well. I shouldn't have pushed it, he shouldn't have told me. My attraction for him was just growing and I didn't know what to do about it. He had such a sweet countenance that it was hard not to think of what we'd be like together.

For some reason I just didn't think it was a good idea to go there with him. He seemed almost fragile in how misunderstood he was. I loved the fact that I was probably the only one who really talked to him. I wouldn't say that we were really great friends because I wanted him too much to just be his friend, but we were definitely close.

I was trying not to attach any names to him but it was becoming increasingly difficult. He wasn't just a gentle giant, he was my gentle giant. He never raised his voice, he always was very polite. I'd never seen him angry. He wasn't shy so much as he was quiet.

It never bothered me that he was so quiet. It wasn't like he was stony or anything. I'd probably never tell him, but he helped calm me down when I needed to study. I sort of have boundless energy and his quiet aura just helped me focus.

I didn't know if I could handle feeling like I did about him. I wasn't sure that I was ready for something long term and he screams commitment. On the other hand, I didn't know if I'd want to let him go after getting involved with him. Aside from all of that, what if he didn't like guys like me?

I just needed to let it go. Somehow I just felt that I'd hurt him or something. It wasn't that I thought I was more experienced than him. I thought he was such a great person that I almost felt unworthy. I sighed and went back to the dorms.

He was reading in bed. He was always reading in bed. It was the familiarity of that- that made me smile. I always tried not to notice how truly hot he was but sometimes it was hard not to. I loved his brown hair and the way his beard grew in. When he was frustrated with a subject, he would often not shave. I got to see how truly hairy he could become and it was so sexy.

I know that some people think brown eyes are nondescript, but his eyes make him look like the softest person on Earth. They are so kind and I never see judgment in them. When he's irritated it's like a crime has been committed because it's so unlike him and his eyes become hooded.

His lips, I don't even want to think of his lips. They're plump and pink and are perfectly framed by his facial hair. He normally has on shorts and a t-shirt so I don't think i've ever seen his chest. I'm glad because I'm not sure I could have stopped the drool.

What made him seem so perfect is that he truly didn't know how hot he was. What he did know of his effect on people he seemed to not even want. He never flaunted himself. If anything, he seemed to cover himself and shy away from exposure. It was like he wanted to disappear.

I was all over the place. I was involved in so many things on top of my studies that I felt flighty. Maybe doing so much wasn't such a good idea. I was splitting my time amongst too many things. I felt like my affections were being torn between that and Brad and we weren't even together.

I didn't think I could be there for him and continue my life. I never wanted to pick and never thought that I'd have to. It was ridiculous to even be thinking about this. He hadn't even shown any interest in me. I was pathetic and sad for maybe the first real time in my life.

I sat on my bed with an 'omph' and just starred ahead.

Brad

David sat on his bed without saying anything. That was so odd because he usually was talking or singing or dancing or something. He hadn't said anything. I put down my book and just looked at him. He looked sad. I didn't ever remember seeing him sad.

He still looked like my pixie. His face had small features that would seem almost delicate if they weren't so dark. His eyes had been my favorite feature since I met him, but they were a bit dull right now. "What's wrong pix?" I was so concerned that the name just slipped out.

He looked up at me questioningly. "Why'd you call me 'pix'?"

I smiled a little but I couldn't tell him. "I might tell you one day. Why do you look so sad?"

"I have a crush on someone I don't deserve."

That shocked me a little bit. "What makes you think that you don't deserve them? There isn't anything bad about you."

He just shook his head and laid down on his bed. He wasn't going to answer me, which was fine. I wasn't sure that I wanted him to wax poetic about some chick that he was falling for. It would have been even worse if it were a guy. He knew I was gay, but I still didn't know about him.

I guess the years of never having people know me helped me be able to keep my feelings hidden. I knew how I felt about him, but there was no way that I was going to pursue him. Especially with him having a meltdown over someone.

It just wasn't fair. Someone got under his skin enough to make his bubbly personality diminish. They weren't worth it if they made him act like that and I told him so. He just smiled at me and told me that he was going to call me 'g-g' and I couldn't ask him why.

He rolled onto his side and looked at me hard. I was getting a little nervous but he finally spoke. "Can I ask you some things?"

"Things? As in plural? Well, i'll try to answer your questions." I didn't know what to expect but I hoped that I could cheer him up. It was a crime for him to be sad, at least it was to me.

"Do you know why you're so shy and quiet?" Now what this had to do with anything I didn't know but for him I'd answer. No one else had cared enough to find out. It just added to what I already felt for him.

"Yeah I do. I've always been bigger than those around me. If it wasn't in height then it was in size. I've always felt like a big oaf. I felt clumsy and out of place. So I did the only thing that I knew how to put myself into the background. I have a subdued personality because it's the only way to not get noticed. After people meet me, I fade into the woodwork because I make myself nondescript."

"If you could change that about yourself would you?"

"Wow that is a hard one because it's a bit of a double edged sword. Part of me would jump at the chance to be small and delicate and to really be able blend into a crowd. On the other hand, if I looked like the perfect representation of what I wanted, then I could still find something to change. Plus, I like my personality and I think that I would be a different person if I felt differently about myself."

I really didn't know where this was going but it felt great to have someone to tell these things to. I even came to the realization that I like myself. I know that there will be someone out there to appreciate me for who I am. If I really thought about it, no one had run from me except for a few instances. Maybe I had been going about this all wrong.

I should be flattered that so many people think I'm a jock. I could use it to my advantage. Especially since the object of my affections was tripping over someone other than me. The more I thought of it though the more I became resigned. This didn't stop me from wanting David though.

"Care to tell me why you're asking these questions?"

"I knew most of it but I wanted to make sure. You're right though. You wouldn't be the person you are if you had a different self image. I just asked because you reject people because of their initial reaction to you. What you don't seem to realize is that people are automatically drawn to you. Male and female. Not everyone thinks you're a jock and not everyone likes you just because of it."

I snorted, certain that he was going crazy. "Yeah, just you. You're the only person here who just met me and didn't ask me about sports. You know I love the library and you don't seem to care, so I guess you're the 'everybody' you're talking about."

"I just wanted to know why you are the way you are."

"Yeah but why? I was hoping that I could cheer you up but hearing about me seems just as depressing. What do you want me to do to cheer you up? "

David

He wanted to cheer me up. That was so sweet. I didn't really have an answer for why I'd asked the questions. I was just thinking of how sweet and kind he was and I wondered how it came about. I couldn't very well tell him that so I didn't.

"I like knowing things about my friends." It was a lame explanation but it was all I had.

"As far as how to cheer me up, don't worry about it, i'll be ok." He shook his head and then turned my stereo on. He stood back and proceeded to dance and do his best imitation of me playing an air guitar.