The Crush

"Ashley!" Lisa leaned over to say in the middle of their third period English class. "Ashley!"

"What?" she replied.

"Did you hear? Andrew's turning 19! There's a huge party tonight because he just broke up with Emily! This is my chance!"

Ashley just blinked "Andrew who?"

"What kind of question is that?" Lisa snapped playfully, "He's only the most popular, not to mention hottest guy in the whole world!"

Ashley laughed. "You know you have zero chance of getting with him, everyone wants him. What makes you so special?"

"Don't you get it? All I have to do is chat him up until the conversation leads to Emily, then when he gets all teary eyed and vulnerable, I can just run my fingers through his hair and comfort him. After that he'll be easy."

"You're evil, you know that don't you?" Ashley replied with a smile.

"Girls!" yelled Professor Gibson, from the front of the class.

"Sorry sir!" said Lisa and Ashley simultaneously.

***

All my life, I've been Andrew, that guy who always

had

to have the sexy cheerleader girlfriend. This time around her name was Emily. What she lacked in personality, she made up for in pure, unadulterated sex-appeal. She dumped me last week so the day of my nineteenth birthday, I threw myself a party. I don't really remember much of it. Just that some chick was sitting next to me on a couch going on and on about how she felt bad that Emily dumped me or something like that. I wasn't really listening. I started thinking about who I was going to hang out with now that Emily was gone. Then it hit me that there was no one. No one real. I never had a friend that was completely mine -- until I met Jeff.

***

He was cool like I couldn't believe. I watched him step into my crowded living room, and could tell that all eyes were on him. He had this short, spiky, jet black hair that sort of stood on end. He wore an awesome white oversized polo shirt that made him look damn cool. But the one thing that really got me was the watch, that huge shiny Rolex-looking object on his fairly thin wrists. It looked so good. When I saw him, I felt a strong feeling that I couldn't explain, but I shrugged it off as envy. I mean, it wouldn't hurt to be just like that guy. The chicks were all over him the minute he stepped into the room with his white, Reebok high tops. It took me at least a few minutes to attract girls. But whatever, I thought; trying to shrug if off, tonight was my birthday. Tonight I was going to get laid!

***

Days later, I caught up with this guy on the basketball court. Damn! That guy could play! I watched in awe as he scored free-throw after free-throw.

" How'd you learn to play like that?!"

"Ya" he laughed. I am good aren't I?"

I was so mesmerized by his movement; I almost forgot what I came for.

"Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a favor."

"Depending on what" he replied, still playing.

"I noticed how popular you are with the chicks and decided that well," I laughed as I pretended to look him over, "It couldn't possibly be your looks. So it must be your style."

'Uh-huh' said the blank stare on his face after he had stopped playing basketball to listen to me.

'Shit!' I thought to my self. 'He probably thinks I'm stupid.' Though I couldn't figure out why I had to get to know this guy. My head said 'Fuck this! You don't need any help! You're hot! That guy couldn't teach you anything you don't already know.' And I started to walk away-- in my head at least. But my feet wouldn't let me.

"I was hoping you could show me... how to be... how to have style, like you..." Damn that sounded dumb.

It felt like it took an eternity for him to respond until he finally said "You know what? Sure. Whatever. It'll be my good deed for the year. He looked at that watch which was slightly slipping off his wrist for a second and said "Right now I gotta jet, but meet me here tomorrow morning and we'll start."

"Sure" I replied gratefully as he walked off.

***

The next morning I got to the court early to do some thinking. I felt like backing out. This was ridiculous. I wasn't that bad with the ladies. I just wasn't the best. I'm sure I got laid just as much as he did. I began to wonder why I was really doing this when he walked toward me.

"Early? Nono, man never early. That's rule one"

"That's it?" I said with a smile. "If all you're gonna teach me is this fashionably late crap then I might as well just—"

"No fool, the point of being late is so that everyone can see what you're wearing when you walk in the door."

"Um, isn't that chick stuff?"

"Rule two. Never hesitate to do exactly what you want to do. By the way, I'm Jeff."

"Andrew"

He picked up his ball. "Wanna play?"

"Sure"

I'm not sure why I said yes. I wasn't really that good at basketball, but anything this guy could teach me, I was willing to learn. Maybe I shouldn't have said yes because he had whipped my ass before the end of the game

"Ya, um, not bad, but you don't have the kind of game that the ladies like. Tell you what, meet me here same time every morning and we'll play again. Maybe you'll learn something."

"Sure, Later."

***

After weeks of this, we be came pretty good friends, and I became a half decent basketball player. I stopped hanging out with people and started spending most of my time with Jeff.

"Doesn't this kind of defeat the purpose?" Said Jeff as he sat down next to me after a long game in some serious heat.

"What?"

"Doesn't this defeat the purpose? I mean, I spend all my time teaching you the skills and you don't even use them."

"I dunno. I just never had the chance."

I knew that wasn't true. There was plenty of time chicks were doing some serious flirting and I didn't respond. They just didn't feel too important to me. Jeff never passed up the opportunity to get with a girl, and with every day that passed it annoyed me more and more.

"I'm going to Florida for spring break." said Jeff suddenly.

I must have sounded a little panicked when I said "That was sort of unexpected. And you didn't tell me?"

"Why would I? When did it become your business? You'll be here when I come back. We can continue then."

Only then did I realize how weird I sounded. Every time I stopped to think about it, I would be interrupted and forget about it completely. Now it was getting out of hand. What was wrong with me?

"Uh yeah. Great. Cool. Look, I just remembered something I have to take care of so..." I said nervously, while backing away. I seriously had to do some thinking.

"Okay whatever, but I'm leaving tomorrow so I'll see you in two weeks."

"Uh ya. Bye" I said as I hurried off.

***

By the time I got back to my room, I had decided that I didn't want to think about it anymore. The thing that made me sick was that I knew what was wrong with me. I couldn't stand it. If I didn't forget about this now, it would change the rest of my life. I decided to push it deep down inside me and never think about it again.

I thought everything would be fine. I thought that if I didn't think about it, it would just go away. Was it even possible to be more wrong? Everything that happened reminded me of Jeff which was weird because as far as he was concerned, we were just friends. It wouldn't be right for us to be anything more. But still, it would feel really good get him alone and— Oh my God. Where the fuck did that come from? And then it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks— I was in love with Jeff. Damn. Every time his movement fascinated me, every time his flirting bothered me, every time he made me nervous, every time I was depressed when he wasn't around— it meant a lot more than envy. It meant a lot more than admiration. It was love. But I wasn't gay. I couldn't be. I've had so many chicks under me; it would put a rock star to shame. But there was just something special about him that made me want him more each and every day. I was starting to scare my self. I didn't know what to think. I couldn't deny loving him but I couldn't live with myself if I did either. If only I knew if he felt the same way.

***

When he finally came back, I was thrilled to see him again. You know, just to see if he looked different. At the same time I was terrified that I might do something that I regretted, and lose him forever. When Jeff walked towards me, it took everything I had not to jump on him.

"Hey Andrew!"

I couldn't help it. I wanted to kiss him. I never kissed a guy before but this felt... right. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything would be fine.

"Hey, it's great to see you Andrew but I gotta jet. I promised this girl I would call her when I got back." No such luck.

"Ya. Cool. We'll catch up later." I said with a look of sadness on my face. He must have caught on because he quickly said "Look, I'll catch you at Adam's 'Dress to Get Laid' party tonight?"

"Wouldn't miss it."

***

I'd been pacing back and fourth in the downstairs living room of Adam's huge house during his huge "Dress to Get Laid" party when I decided that Jeff wasn't going to show up. Why would he? It's like a fucking orgy. How can you show up to a fucking orgy with a guy? Or maybe he was trying to teach me some kind of lesson about being fashionably late. Whatever it was, it didn't matter because just then he walked into the room.

"Hey sorry. I was a little tied up. Do you wanna go upstairs? Somewhere a little more quiet?"

My heart started beating a little bit faster

"To review" he said.

"Oh. Oh yeah. Sure."

***

"Nono, not like that. You have to take bigger steps when you walk." He said as he sat on the leather couch in the study of Adam's father. It was like a library. Like the kind of places you see in movies. It was all dark and silent, with a huge classic pool table in the corner of the room. A single beam of what seemed like daylight shone through the huge wooden doors.

"Damn. Look. I'll show you," he said as he got up, beer cup in hand.

With and exaggerated sigh, I sat down and watched him stand up and walk that

awesome

walk of his. He looked hotter than ever. All I wanted was one kiss. That's all I could hope for. But I didn't have the balls to do it. He would walk away from me and I would never see him again. But then there was always that mind numbing possibility that everything could work out fine. That he would kiss me back and we could... be together— what ever that meant. But it didn't matter because I could never do it. I also bothered me that if I kissed him tonight, I would be gay. Girls are hot. I can't deny that, but that was just sex. I had never been in love. I didn't know that I would be ready to deal with that. Suddenly, Jeff's words played in my mind. 'Rule two; never hesitate to do exactly what you want to do.' Never set limits. That was all it took. All it took for me, to ditch my fear and stand up.

"Ready to try again—"he said, or rather tried to say. He was interrupted by my tongue. Fuck. I was really doing this. I was terrified but somehow, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was here right now kissing the guy that I loved. A really long, really deep, man on man, kiss. Suddenly he pulled back looking stunned. 'Damn' I thought. 'He's going to run.' This was all a huge mistake. If only I hadn't listened to myself. I'm such a fool. How could I think he could like me back?'

"Look, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I'm so sorry. Look, I'll understand if you want to hate me—" and to my surprise, he grabbed me and kissed me exactly the same way that I had only moments earlier.

***

My life just felt so surreal that night. As I was running my fingers through his jelled spiky hair, he hastily reached for the hem of my shirt and pulled it up over my head once I had raised my arms. He quickly went back to putting his hands all over me. It felt odd because I was usually the one feeling people up. We stumbled over to the pool table, our lips never parting, where we both realized that this was it. It was do or die time and there was no turning back. I could feel him through my jeans as he leaned on the pool table behind me and pulled at my zipper. I clumsily pushed my jeans off and kicked them across the room before turning around to remove his. He removed his shirt by himself. 'That's the first time I've ever seen those sexy abs...' I thought to my self. Sexy abs? Did I just say did I just think that his abs were sexy? I couldn't deal with myself any longer. I hated to admit it, but I was terrified.

"Wait, Stop." I said to him.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't do this... I'm kind of...scared."

"What's there to be scared of? If you feel like it, do it." "Listen, don't you get it? If we go through with this tonight, we'll be... gay. I don't know if I'm ready to deal with that."

"Have I taught you nothing?" He said with a smile. "There are no rules when it comes to things like this. If you don't want to be labelled then don't label your self. You want me, I want you. That's all it has to be."

I realized he was right. He made me feel so much better.

"Wait, what about the lube?"

Jeff smiled. "This is practically an orgy", he said as he reached into the drawer next to him and pulled out a handful of condoms and a tube of KY, complete with a note taped on the lid that said "Compliments of Adam."

"FUCK!" I screamed. It hurt like hell. I knew it wasn't but it felt like ten feet of rock hard cock plowing into my ass. I heard that for a lot of people, sex isn't about pleasure. It's about intimacy. It's about getting as close as you possibly can to someone. It hurt like hell but then why did it feel so fucking

good

? I felt like electricity was going through my body. I could hear him panting. I could feel breath on the back of my neck, and I couldn't keep still if I tried. Slowly the pain subsided and it became pleasure. Pure, unadulterated pleasure. It just felt so... good! It made me feel weird because it was like I was enjoying it too much. I was always the one making girls feel like this but the tables had turned. I wanted to be held by Jeff. I wanted his arms to wrap around me and to make me feel safe. Most of all, I wanted him inside me. This was a whole new world for me...

***

By the next morning I couldn't walk straight. I couldn't sit down with out flinching which made me paranoid. Like everyone knew. I really, really liked Jeff but I'm not sure I was ready for that. I was attempting to walk across campus to my next class when Jeff came up from behind me and slapped me on the back.

"Hey Andy" Damn that was cute. "Seriously, don't walk like that. People will know."

He hesitated.

"Look, can we talk?"

"Okay sure. When?"

"Right now. Follow me."

He led me inside one of the buildings and behind the stairwell where we could talk in private.

"About last night" he said at last "Have you ever done that before?"

"No you were my first. Have you?" I said with a smile.

"Never, that's why, I think it's best we don't tell anyone."

My heart sank. "Why the hell not?"

He hesitated. "Look, I'm... I'm kind of an important guy and..."

"AND?" I said angrily. He didn't answer.

"No tell me Jeff, what the fuck does being important have anything to do with who you sleep with?!" more silence.

"Oh my god. You're fucking scared aren't you?! Aren't you—" I shouted.

"Yes okay! Yes!" He said with a choked voice. "Is that what you wanted to hear? Yes. I'm fucking scared of what people are going to say when they find out, that I like guys!" I was stunned. "Aren't you the one who said, that you should never hesitate to do exactly what you want to do? That includes be exactly who you want to be."

"Look, Andrew, all I have are the chicks, and the crew. If anyone finds out who I am, then the chicks leave, and once the chicks are gone, my fucking entourage is gone, which means that I've got no one."

I looked into his eyes, annoyed that he would say that and whispered, "You've got me." Jeff half smiled. "Jeff. I've been your best friend for like, six months now. I'm not going anywhere, even if you're not popular anymore." He gave me a genuinely puzzled look. "Why?"

"It's because... It's because I think I love you. And Jeff," I said with a sigh "If you're not ready for this, I'll wait for you, but you do have to do it eventually."

"Thank you so much"

He stood looking at me for a second until he finally said, "So... you want to make out?"

And just like that, I was under his spell again.

"I thought you were scared" I said playfully.

He leered at me "No one's looking" he said as his lips met mine. "And besides, you're fucking irresistible..."

***

For the next few weeks, Jeff and I would meet all over the school just to have sex. It was so much fun, like we were having an affair, though neither of us were really married.

Occasionally I would catch him flirting with chicks but that was only so that Jeff could keep his sanity. Then I would walk up to Jeff, tell him that I needed him for something important, and off we would go to do whatever we wanted. He was really paranoid and less laid back then he used to be. We hardly ever went to my room anymore because he was afraid someone would be suspicious. He was all over some girl by the wall next to the basketball courts, when I showed up to talk to him.

"Jeff. Jeff, I need to talk to you."

"Can't you see that I'm busy?" I thought this was just for dramatic effect so I tried again.

"Jeff this is really important"

"Dude, do you not know when to fuck off?!" he yelled.

"Look, if you have stuff to do, I'll catch you later okay?" the girl said as she walked off.

"What the hell was that for?!" he said angrily

"Did I miss something? Wasn't that the part where you blow her off, so that we can go make out?"

"Look, I don't think that this... is such a great idea anymore. I can't do it."

"What? Why? I thought we agreed..."

"Fuck what we agreed! I can't do it, this is all I have. This is who I'm

supposed

to be. If I do what you want me to do, my life will change forever."

"No fucking kidding!" I snapped sarcastically. "And you don't think that mine is too? Jeff, I'm in the exact same boat as you are. Girls want me just as badly as they want you. I never had a real friend before until now. Just like you. Like what you said, I want you, you want me—"

"But what will other people say?"

I looked at him with wide eyes. "FUCK OTHER PEOPLE!" We were full on yelling now. "What are you scared of?"

"Me." And with that, he turned around and left.

***

Days later I was walking around campus, pissed at Jeff for being such a pussy, and I spotted him. I really didn't give a fuck about what he thought but I was still not above petty revenge. The asshole would get the same treatment he gave me. I looked around for the nearest girl I could find. She was just having a conversation, with all her friends it seemed, because there were at least twenty girls around her.

"Hey gorgeous" I said to her, "What's your name?"

"What?" She said "Andrew? Andrew, it's me. Lisa. We had sex at your 19th birthday party remember? Andrew?! Are you even listening to me?"

"Uh huh" I said. I wasn't really paying attention. I kept glancing back to see if Jeff was still looking.

"So, um..." I said kind of nervously, "You have beautiful lips."

"Ya, well Andrew, one would think you would have noticed when we were making out at YOUR party in October--"

"Uh huh." I said as I glanced back at him for the thousandth time that day. I couldn't stand being mad at him, but he left me no choice. As much as I loved him, I was still pissed. He started walking towards me so I grabbed the girl by the neck and kissed her using lots of tongue. A really deep, lusty, yet passionless kiss.

It felt like I had been kissing this girl for ever. It really sucked. It was like I had tasted heaven only to return to earth, which only paled in comparison. I was just about to give up and leave when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around to see who it was. Jeff. "What do you want? You shouldn't be hanging with me or people will start saying things." I said callously.