STEFAN
Stefan was
mortified
. Ash had told him to shut up--and he'd tried his best--but the shockwaves of pleasure that'd been radiating through his body had been so overwhelming; he, honestly, couldn't help himself, but the fact that they'd gotten caught because of him... Even though Adrian was his best friend and they'd been through some shit together, he didn't know how he was going to look him in the eyes ever again.
But he couldn't deny that he also felt a little bit relieved. Anytime the thought of telling Adrian that he was seeing his little brother (or at least that he
had
been; if they were still together was yet to be determined) crossed his mind, he got caught up on how exactly he was going to do so. At least this way, now he didn't have to.
He did, however, have to figure out if there would be anything more to tell Adrian or if this was just a one and done situation.
Turning to face Ash, he found him already looking in his direction. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his hair looked like it hadn't been washed in a few days. His expression was full of storm clouds, but, God, he was beautiful.
When Stefan had woken up Friday morning and found that Ash wasn't in bed with him, he'd been disappointed. He'd quite enjoyed waking up next to his young lover, their long limbs tangled together, trading kisses and soft hellos. When Ash left his bed, he left his pillows smelling sweet and fragrant like his shampoo, but there were no signs of his body or trace of his smell, leaving Stefan confused.
He vaguely remembered Ash getting up to use the bathroom, but he'd fallen back to sleep before he'd returned... But maybe he'd never come back?
He hadn't thought Ash would leave without saying goodbye, especially after the night they'd had.
They'd had sex--real body-joining, soul-revealing, earth-shaking, mind-blowing sex--and he'd meant what he'd said afterward; it was the best sex he'd ever had. It wasn't just because Ash's ass had gripped his dick like a vice, introducing him to sensations he'd never felt before. It was because it had been with Ash. Never had he lost himself so completely with another person; there'd been so much carnal passion between them. Never had he felt so deeply and wanted to please so much; he'd felt spiritually enlightened. Ash brought out a whole new side of him. Not just a queer one, but one that felt largely and wholeheartedly. Ash brought a side of him that he hadn't been sure existed, but it seemed like that side was just waiting for the right person before showing itself.
So the idea that Ash would have left after all of that didn't make sense to him. The only other place Stefan thought he could've been was in Luca's room, but when his search turned up empty and he was nowhere to be found anywhere in the house, he'd immediately gotten worried, further fueled by Ash not answering when he called him twice.
He shot off a few texts, but those had gone unanswered as well. After an hour without a response, he'd reached out to Adrian only to find out that Ash was at home asleep in his bed. Stefan was left to wonder what had changed in those few hours.
When the weekend had come and gone and he still hadn't heard from him, he'd resigned himself to the idea that Ash needed some space from him, no matter how much he hated it. (Though, he temporarily forgot himself and his commitment when he'd started drinking, finding out what he'd done when his alarm woke him the next morning. He almost never drank more than two beers--something to give him a nice buzz--but he'd been distraught enough to crack open his "special occasion" liquor.)
It was crazy how off-kilter he'd felt without Ash's presence. He'd felt like his heart was beating a different rhythm, but now that he was here in front of him, he was back in tune. Now, he just had to make it last.
He opened his mouth to speak, but Ash started to say something at the same time. They traded sheepish smiles.
Stefan asked, "Is it okay if I go first?"
"Yeah." His voice was quiet.
He wanted to reach out and touch him; it had been too long since his fingers had been in contact with his skin, but he kept his hands to himself.
Clearing his throat, he started, "I'm sorry. Whatever it is that I did to hurt you, I'm sorry. If I can, I'll do whatever needs to be done to make things right. And I--I understand if you don't wanna be intimate anymore, but please don't cut me out of your life." He stepped forward. "I don't think I could stand it."
Ash shook his head. "You didn't do anything wrong."
"Then what happened?" Stefan took another step closer. If he extended his arm, he could wrap his fingers in the material of his shirt, pull him closer, but he was (impatiently) exercising patience. He didn't want to scare him away.
He looked like he wasn't going to answer, but a moment later, he threw his hands in the air, letting them drop with a slap to his thighs.
With a heavy sigh, he said, "I know I said I just had a crush on you, but I lied. I'm in love with you, Stefan, and throughout this whole... 'collaboration'"--he made air quotes with his fingers--"of ours, I thought I could just have fun and not involve any feelings, but the more we hung out, and, you know, you cooked dinner for me and bought me flowers--it seemed like you had feelings for me too.
"But you never
said
anything, so I didn't know if you were just trying to be nice. Like, 'Hey, as a token of my sexual appreciation, here's dot dot dot,' or what." He shrugged. "It was not knowing how you felt--not knowing if my feelings would ever be reciprocated--that made me step back. I was trying not get my heart broken."
Stefan's brows furrowed. He rubbed a hand over his jaw. Though he and Ash hadn't been fooling around with each other for long, he was sure he'd said
something
over the course of the last few weeks... but he was drawing a blank.
Scratching the back of his neck, he said, "I guess we haven't really talked about what we've been doing, and that is mostly on me, but you could have
asked
me, Ash. I would've--"
Ash vehemently shook his head, and Stefan stopped mid-sentence.
"I couldn't, though. Like--like, I'm the first guy you've been with; that's not to say that, like, your whole identity has changed, but it's not something to just gloss over either.
"Asking you how you felt about me or if you saw a future for us outside of fucking would've been me basically asking you to make a decision about who you are or how you wanna label yourself. Coming to terms with your sexuality is something you have to do on your own time, and I didn't wanna put any added pressure on you. The plan was simply to be there for you until you didn't need me or didn't want me anymore."
It was Stefan's turn to shake his head, unable to believe Ash thought he would ever not want him anymore, but also unable to believe he'd been so blind.
"And, you know," Ash continued, "there was that unwavering fear of rejection constantly stirring at the back of my mind. That I'd been misinterpreting everything that's happened between us, and if I did ask, you'd say you didn't feel the same way."
Without waiting a moment longer, Stefan finally closed the gap between them; he took Ash's face in both of his hands and kissed him. He poured all of his want and hope and desire and need into that kiss. He tried to say everything he hadn't said before.
