Taing the Step

It has taken me 3 years to get the nerve to put this to paper, but it is something I feel I finally must do. What follows is a true story of fantasies, curiosity, lust, desire and ultimately satisfaction. Enjoy . . .

Like so many men in these stories, I was your typical heterosexual married man, in his mid 30's, who was pretty sure where he stood in life. I was a late arrival to the dating world, but ended up marrying my college sweetheart when I was 21. Fifteen or so years, and two kids, later, my wife and I were still happily married. However, certain things were beginning to feel a little different.

The affection between my wife and I had turned from romantic to friendly. Sometimes we felt more like close cousins than husband and wife. Our sex life had been sliding progressively downhill ever since the birth of our second child. While my sex drive was often on turbo, my wife generally showed little interest. I know that is the same old story that happens to many couples, but I honestly didn't expect it to happen to me. Finding myself, however, in such a situation, I decided that perhaps I needed to look for another outlet. This was a huge step for me, having been brought up on very traditional values, and a sense of honor.

Figuring that I would never have the nerve to actually go through with meeting anyone, I decided to start playing around a bit online . . . just to see what was out there, and, like many people I suspect, to just get some immediate gratification. Over the next few weeks, I checked out several "dating" websites, and chatted with a few ladies. Other than one particularly horny housewife who was ready to jump my bones, most of the women just wanted a little chat and we're afraid to actually take the next step. To be honest, I was too though, so I didn't mind the tame fun I was having. Everything changed one night though when I got a simple message from a random person.

It was late on a Saturday, everyone else in the house was asleep, and I was close to calling it a night myself. Checking my messages one last time, I came across a new one with just one quick question, "Have you ever been with another guy?" The answer was "no," but I found myself staring at the screen and wondering how to answer. Should I answer at all? Was this something I would even consider? I would be lying (like most people I believe) if I told you that I had never had a sexual thought about a member of the same sex. I certainly had, but it had been years. In college, I actually had a male classmate hit on me during a late night study session. At the time, I was naive and inexperienced, so I politely refused and called it a night.

Over the next few days, I wondered if I made the right choice, and I actually considered calling him back. The idea, however, scared a straight-and-narrow young me, so I put it in the back of my mind and moved on. Over the years, thoughts had crossed my mind about what it might be like, but I never dwelled on it. Now suddenly here it was staring me in the face. I decided to throw caution to the wind and answer this guy honestly. I told him that no, I never had, but the thought had crossed my mind. There was a genuine sense of exhilaration when I sent that first reply. We exchanged a few more messages, and he became a bit too pushy so I logged off and went to bed. While I never chatted with that particular guy again, he had awakened in me a seed of desire that I didn't even know existed.

Over the next few weeks, I found myself looking more often at the personals of men than women. What was this new found desire in me? I was sure I wasn't gay since I still thoroughly enjoyed the female form. But was I possibly bi? This was a real hit to my psyche and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. I decided to try chatting with a few guys and see how I felt. At first I tried to chalk it up to my overactive sex drive (and the lack thereof from my wife), but it didn't take long for me to realize that this was definitely something I was genuinely interested in. My interest in porn went quickly from women to men in a flash. Like most men my age, I had looked at my fair share of porn, but always of the hetero variety.

Suddenly, there was a whole new world opened up to me and I couldn't get enough of it. I was fascinated, and aroused, by every aspect of it. My fantasies were off the charts, and I found myself wanting to try a little bit of everything. Having come to grips with my thoughts and feelings, I knew I wanted to find someone with whom to experience what I should have tried years ago. Several candidates came and went online. There were the usual overbearing jerks, the unappealing, and the just plain creepy, but no one seemed to stand out. Finally one night a pic caught my eye.

It was a pic of a nicely tanned, smooth -chested man, wearing just his underwear, with no face visible. Looking back, I suppose it was a pretty typical shot that many men posted, but for some reason it stood out to me. I sent a "wink" to him and anxiously awaited a reply. At this point, I didn't even know what this guy looked like above the neck (or just about anything else about him), but for some reason he seemed different. Eventually the "wink" was returned, we exchanged IM's, and agreed to chat on a Sunday morning while my family was at church (I know, I'm going to hell for doing that!). So as not to bore you if you're still reading along, to make a long story short, I was hooked by the end of the first chat.

His name was Jun (short for Junior) , he lived about 2 hours from me, was gay but masculine. His kindness and sensitivity to my unique situation was obvious from the beginning, and he agreed to take it slow with me. Over the next few weeks, we chatted constantly, exchanged pics (which, contrary to my personality, kept getting more risqué on my part), and, of course, discussed meeting. My lust for Jun was overwhelming. My fear of taking the big step, however, was almost as overwhelming. I had never cheated on my wife, nor even really considered it up until just a few months prior, but now here was someone I was insanely attracted to who seemed to want me as much as I wanted him.

If Jun had been a woman, the step would still have been hard. But he was a man, and the step seemed impossible to me. This was a huge step that, once taken, I had to live with. Oh God did I want him though. All of my fantasies became of him and what we could be doing. I wanted to feel another man's dick for the first time, in my hand, in my mouth. And not just any man, but this man, Jun, for whom I wanted to derive so much pleasure. I knew that once I found myself alone with him, my inhibitions would fly out the window and I would do almost anything. That, plus the thought of getting caught, kept me from going through with it for months . . . and then more months.

One night, while out of town on a business trip, we talked on the phone for the first time. As I laid there alone in that big (and quite nice) hotel room, naked and listening to Jun's voice on the phone, my fear over what I might become left me. I had to do this, but the timing would need to be right, not just for the importance of not getting caught, but also for my own mental state. Through it all, Jun had been incredibly patient with me, and soon he would be rewarded . . . but it would still take several months. To be continued . . .