You, the reader, play the role of a nameless, voiceless adventurer, sent by your mysterious master-slash-benefactor, to learn how to deal with adventurers of other classes. Butt sex ensues.
This series is inspired by Pathfinder, the TTRPG I have the most experience with as both a player and as a game master. Players of other high-fantasy type games might appreciate this as well. Characters are mostly humans but because this is fantasy, there will be some other races.
This will not be a traditional chaptered story, but a collection of vignettes in you, the adventurer's sex romp across a Generic Fantasy World. As such, you can read future instalments in any order. This one, however, is chronologically first. Also, updates will be sporadic.
Tabletops and Tablebottoms, 1: Bottoming For the Barbarian
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My apprentice. Your adventure begins at sea, where a chartered boat will take you to your destination. You sail for the frozen wastes of the continent to the east, past the treacherous ocean, where a supernatural frigidity has settled on these witch-cursed lands. You have enough provisions to last you for a while, but if you can restock, you should do it at your earliest convenience.
You are an adventurer now, and on your travels, you will encounter others like you. Some are willing to share stories and a campfire, as kindred spirits will. Some have more devious designs on your gold and supplies, and wouldn't think twice about killing you. The world is full of warriors and spellcasters of all stripes, praying to all manner of god, or effigy, or demon. You must be ready for all of them. I wish you luck.
Foremost, beware the barbarian, for he is the most fearsome force on any battlefield. A bloodthirsty berserker, he will not stop until his enemies are vanquished by his blade. You might think he can be reasoned with, but the moment he enters his blood rage, your options are fight or die. And he is not likely to die....
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The journey had been long, and you had never been at sea before. Having only eaten a single meal on your days-long trip, your stomach grumbles at you. But you didn't want to risk vomiting over the side of the ship. Again. At long last, you disembark from the boat and arrive at a frigid docklands, the icy water sloshing all around you. You are met with a nauseating stench that combines tar, grilling fish, and a blacksmith's smoke, and for a second, you come close to throwing up. Again.
Steeling yourself, you step off the docks, freezing cold, wrapped in many now-damp--some frozen--layers of fur and wool, and you've never been so glad to be on solid land before. Still, despite you feeling a little pathetic, you are thrilling inside at your new life. An adventurer! Like the stories! That was pretty cool.
You take in the sights of a dreary, permanently wintry town before you, where the sun shone white and high in the stark blue sky. The dour faces of the inhabitants tell you that this was a hard place to live. Thankfully you're only here for a little bit. You think you might ask them for directions, maybe to the nearest inn, but think better of it when you see a dwarf accost a human for dusting off their coat near him. Yeah. That's for the best.
Hefting your sword and pack, you head for the interior of town. Everything was going alright so far. You daresay, even good! ...and that was when your trouble started.
"You! Thief!" A thundering, angry voice from somewhere in the distance makes your spine crawl, and you whip around to see what the commotion is about. A few citizens crane their heads to look, but some just keep their stares down, flattened by the presence of him. A battle-scarred warrior that would easily crush you stood at the head of a ship dock. His dark brown eyes were hard and glinting with fury.
And they were staring directly at you.
You put your hands up, open your mouth to protest, but he was already moving. Weighed down by so little armour as to leave himself practically topless, his enormous form bounds in your direction. Your hand instinctively reaches for your sword hilt, and as you brace your impact, he closes in....
And runs past you, chasing after a different guy, one who had definitely stolen his thing. Your heart races, pounding loudly in your ears. Fuck, what a thrill. Once you gather yourself, staring down the length of the docks where the imposing warrior had gone down, an idea comes to you. You should help him out! That's what heroes did--helped the needy.
'He hardly seemed needy,' you consider inwardly, but before you could really rationalise it, you were already headed down the same path. Your first task as an adventurer. It was thrilling.
When next you encounter the huge, imposing warrior, he had reached the end of town where it gave way to endless tundra. He has his hands on his hips, staring into the distance, his brow furrowing with anger. This man was at least as tall as one and a half of you, and twice as wide as you, to boot. A round, fur-covered belly betrays his strong chest and solid biceps, which you worry would easily crush your head like a melon.
He sees you coming, and he whirls on you, his hand already on the hilt of his axe he kept at his side. Dark blue painted with lines and dots of stark, mineral white cover much of his face, and the rest was covered by a long, shaggy blond beard. His entire body quaked as he moved. He was so dizzyingly tall.
"You," he starts, and his voice makes you want to shrink into a nearby wall. "That thief that came this way. Do you know him?" You shake your head in denial, hoping he sees your terrified sincerity. "Damn it. He stole my raven token...the one thing I cannot lose!"
'Seems like you already did,' you want to say, but decide against it, as you didn't fancy your head coming off of your body on your first day of work.
You are startled by the way he roughly grabs your shoulder, and leads you towards a stable of sled dogs; they're yoked to their sleds in groups of four. "Have you coin?" he says in a gruff tone, hardly a question. "Pay the hostler. I need to chase after that thief and recover my token." He leans in close, and you get the air of medicinal herbs off of his breath. "I must recover it. Lest this entire town face terrible danger. Do you understand me?"
You nod. The stablemaster looked nearly as shocked as you when you drop a gold coin into his open, confused hand, and you are once again grabbed by your shoulder. The warrior throws you into the seat, and off you go into the frosty wilderness.
Rock formations and forgotten paths, grown over in lichen, surge past you as the dogs race into the white abyss. You are all too aware of the warrior poised above you, his hands on the lead. From where you sit, you could look up and be greeted by the expanse of his broad, furry belly. And you could take in his surprisingly clean, woodsy smell....
In the distance, some long minutes later, a campfire's smoke begins to grow in the distance. The warrior grunts, and urges the dogs towards it. They howl, and chase the image. You could feel it then; heat pouring off of the warrior's skin and into the back of your head. He was grunting and breathing belabouredly at a regular pace now, his eyes fixated on the horizon. He seemed...to grow bigger in presence, but you guess that's probably not what's happening...right?
You close in on the campfire, and lo and behold--the thief from the docks. For whatever reason, he was tending the fire by himself, and as if he couldn't appear to be more the criminal, he had taken out the warrior's token. A pendant, silvery and deep blue, like the paint that decorated his skin. The thief turns it over in his hands once--and jumps when he hears the dogs howling.
The warrior behind you roars, and somewhere deep in there, as if superimposed upon his voice, you hear the screaming song of a thousand ravens. With a bout of superhuman strength, he leaps from the dog sled, brandishing his axe. Knocked off kilter, the dogs yelp, and as the cart tumbles to the side of them, they and you are taken with it. With a cry, you are knocked from your seat and black out as you hit the snow.
The last thing you hear before losing consciousness is the warrior's bellowing battle cry, a meek scream, and the sick crunch of metal on bone.