I was desperate, and I didn't know where to go.
The sight of my boyfriend of years sucking some guy off in a club bathroom was burned into my brain. My first reaction was to run away instead of confronting him, even though he surely did that on purpose. I guess I just felt betrayed and hurt, because never before did he ever mention he wanted to go out with other people, or that he wanted to try something different.
Lately he didn't even want to get it on with me, and I think that was what hurt the most.
As I ran home under the rain, it dawned on me that all the sacrifices I had made and all the things I gave up for us to be together had been for nothing.
And I'm not against exploring things and finding the middle ground that would make our relationship work. But if there's something I hate is lying. Pretending everything is alright when it clearly isn't.
Halfway home I realized I didn't even want to go back to our apartment, the place where we had been living for a couple of years now. Some of the memories I had from there were so good, but I was feeling the pain of our relationship being torn apart, and I didn't know if I wanted to be confronted with a life I wasn't sure I'd go back to.
The truth was that I needed distance from it.
And I needed someone who would understand me.
As I waited for the cars to cross under the light, I looked up at Sydney Tower. Then I looked to where my home was, and turned the other way.
I knew I could find some solace in Darlinghurst.
Or at least try.
My hands dialed his number on their own.
I hoped he was alone, because I'd hate to interrupt him.
The phone rang twice, as I waited nervously. Then I heard his voice; it was like a saving grace.
"What happened, Lee?" He sounded a little hoarse, like he'd probably been asleep and I disturbed him. I felt sorry about it, but my words skipped over that part.
"I need some..." I didn't know what to say. My voice got lost on me, and I wanted to cry. Well, tears started welling down my face.
"Where are you? Do you need me to go get you?" He asked, all alert. I could hear him moving around. I shook my head, but my brother wouldn't be able to see it.
"I'm not too far away. Maybe just make some tea?" I sniffed.
He sighed on the other end. "Are you sure you don't need me to go get you?"
"I'm sure, Matty." His name barely left my lips.
It's been a while since I called him that. And he must have known something was wrong.
"Please, Lee. Just come here, okay?" I could hear the apprehension in his voice, and I almost felt bad about causing that to him. I just knew that there was always someone there for me.
My brother was my everything, he always had been. I was glad to have him.
"Be there soon."
Then I hit the end button.
The light had gotten green for me, maybe a couple times. I crossed the street, running under the rain. It was still May, but the first signs of the coldest season had started to show. I loved fall and winter, spending nights snuggling up with--
I needed to stop thinking about him.
I needed to forget what I had seen.
And I needed to be with someone that loved me and would always be on my side.
My brother was it for me. He had always been beside me during the good and the bad, even when our parents had been too conservative to accept that both their kids were gay, when we moved to the big city for a big life.
We spent many nights eating bad pizza and watching TV shows on the old couch. We still lived together before I moved in with that guy. I found a new place, and helped Matty find one for himself. Now he was getting way more successful than me with his career, so he bought a studio in one of the nicer neighborhoods in the city. It was tiny and in need of renovation, but he was getting his shit together.
I had been the first person he showed his place to, and I still had my key.
I wished some of those good things were happening in my life too.
But no.
Now I was just sprinting down Liverpool Street when I saw his building from afar, and the rain was soaking me to the bone. At least it was cold and it made me think about how sick I'd be getting tomorrow, rather than having the images of this night in my head.
When I finally saw the corner building, I grabbed my phone to call Matty, but I noticed someone waving at me. He was out front, holding an umbrella, and he came running to me.
"Are you okay?" Matty asked. He put an arm around my shoulders and covered us with the umbrella as he led me to the front door.
"Yeah." I managed to say while he maneuvered us inside.
Being held by him felt like heaven.
He closed the umbrella, then looked at me. He could probably see me all wet, but under the water there were tears and disappointment. My eyes must have been red, and I probably looked horrible. But Matty put a hand on my cheek, touching me lightly and with so much love that I felt more tears coming out.
"I have your tea ready. Let's get you into some dry clothes."
I could only nod as he led me to the stairs and we climbed to the second floor where his studio was. I could hear our steps and droplets of water falling from my clothes. Now the adrenaline rush was over, as I started to tremble and couldn't ignore the extreme cold.
Matty opened the door for me, rushed me inside, and then closed it. He let the umbrella fall by the entrance.
"You need to get this off," he demanded while pulling my jacket away from me.
I still had no words, but I helped him take off my clothes. Maybe someone else would feel ashamed of being manhandled by their brother into getting naked, but I think I was past that.
I did hesitate before removing my underwear, but it was wet too.
"Take that off, I'll bring you something to wear," Matty told me, solving that problem for me. He kissed me on my wet hair and then left me by the door.
I removed my boxers and, instinctively, put my hands in front of my shriveled up cock, trying to hide away how tiny it was at the moment.
At least his place was warm inside. And super comfy, much more than I remembered.
I guess it's been a while since I was here last.
When Matty came back from his closet bringing sweats, a hoodie and a towel, I sighed in relief.
"Just get yourself dry, put these on and I'll bring your tea to the bed."
He tried to give me a modicum of privacy by averting his eyes and then leaving me there as he took the rest of the wet stuff away. I watched him go, then started to dry myself.
His studio was small. It had a little corner of a kitchen, a walk-in leading into his bathroom, and a bigger room with space for a round table with two chairs, one red and one blue, a pretty futon bed that I'm sure he ordered from a Japanese artisan, a coffee table, and some plants here and there. The perfect minimalist paradise.
I had put on my pants and hoodie by the time he moved back into the main room. I still shivered, but the prospect of tea seemed ideal.
"This place looks really nice," I told him. "Why haven't I come here lately?"
He passed me the tea and asked for the towel with his hand. "You tell me."
Matty walked around to get behind me. Without a word, he began to dry my hair, and I shivered again, but not just from the cold.
I took a sip from my tea. It was plum, my favorite.
He massaged my scalp deliberately, and I closed my eyes, trying to forget everything else. It was so good I was startled when I realized he had stopped.
"Let's sit down." He pulled me by the hand to the futon, but left me there as he went to hang the towel.
I made myself comfortable, and wondered how my brother had created such a nice place for himself. I kind of envied him, because I was hanging onto someone else, while my someone else had been hanging off of someone else's cock tonight.
As Matty came to sit down beside me, he leaned back, putting a hand on my leg. We were leaning on the dozen pillows against the wall.
"Want to talk about what happened? You're not hurt, are you?" Matty squeezed my leg.
I knew that if I said yes he would probably hunt someone down.
"Not physically."
Matty hummed. His hand started making a pattern on my leg and I relaxed. All that he did reminded me of those moments we spent fighting against life years ago. Now we were older and stronger, but those years had been formative. They made us who we were. We knew each other back to front, and had pretty much done everything with one another.
Well, maybe not everything, because we were brothers. But, you see, there wasn't much we didn't know about each other.
Sometimes I think I knew too much about Matty, because I'd heard many guys talk about how my brother fucked like an animal. And they loved to go on and on about how his cock was so big--which I had seen, we lived together, after all. My brother was attractive, but he wasn't that much different from me, so I guess I never really thought about him that way.
We were somewhat opposites, though. I wasn't much for animalistic nights in bed.
