Stay Away From Her

Because you sickos asked nicely.

February

"Hey, I'll put him to bed." Todd's voice startles Seth and me both.

"Dod! Dod Dod!" Seth escapes my grasp to race over and wrap himself around Todd's legs. "Home! Dada, Dada, Dod home!"

"Yes, it's Todd," I acknowledge tiredly. "Now let Daddy put your pajamas on."

Seth buries his face in Todd's thigh and screams angrily. "No no no! No Dada!"

"It's bedtime, buddy," Todd says, prying my son from his leg as he crouches to look Seth in the eye. "The pjs are going on. You can have Dada help you or Todd help."

"Dod help!"

"Somebody didn't take a nap today and is being a little turd," I warn Todd, handing him the rejected pajamas "I will tag out."

"Yiyu turd," Seth repeats happily, throwing his arms around Todd's neck.

With a grateful look I scoot past them into the hall. Seth chatters nonsense at Todd, who responds with encouraging, "Oh really?" and "Is that so?" With my son taken care of I feel free to sit down for what feels like the first time in days. By that I of course mean I'm free to take care of the mountain of dirty dishes that piled up with Todd out of town.

The off-key sounds of "Stacey's Mom" comes from Seth's room, which means they've gotten to the lullaby stage. Seth likes the

oo-oo-oo-oo-oo

parts and gets real mad if you don't sing both verses. It's either that or the entirety of "Jingle Bells," and I'll gladly take Fountains of Wayne over a Christmas carol. Toddler music tastes are bizarre.

Something about hearing another person tell my son "Love you, buddy. G'night" really gives me the warm fuzzies. Todd sees me smiling as he walks into the living room and makes his way to the kitchen.

"Oof, he is a handful," Todd says cheerfully, plopping down on a barstool. "But at least he didn't ask 'Mama go?' this time."

"Ha," I reply over the sound of washing Seth's sippy cups. "He hasn't done that in a couple weeks. Now it's always, 'Dod go?'"

"Really?" Todd's smile is full and sincere. "Aw man, I love that kid so dang much." No kidding. His lock screen is Seth's first time going down a slide alone; I wonder how many questions he's had to answer. I wonder how he explains.

"Well, he loves you." The sad truth is that there's no one else for Seth to get attached to. My family's on the other side of the country, Chrisette's folks blame me for everything, and I'm still figuring out how to mend my friendships...Seth sees the other kids in the gym nursery, he sees me, and he sees Todd. That's it. "I gotta socialize my son. What's the people version of a dog park? Church? I should take him to church."

Todd's silence makes me look back at him. He has that expression that usually means he's choosing his words carefully. "If you meet someone and it gets serious, you're gonna warn me, right?"

I pshaw at the idea. "What sane church woman would be like, 'Yeah, I'll get serious with the married guy who's shacked up with his estranged wife's boyfriend.' The pope would love that."

"Jesus ran around with 12 dudes and a prostitute; he'd understand. Moreover you don't have to tell her we fuck."

"Bro, everyone can tell." The last sippy cup goes on the drying rack. Some days I feel like I'm drowning in sippy cups.

Todd makes a derisive noise. "No, they can't."

"My mother could tell, and all you did was answer my phone once." Shockingly, Mom likes Todd better than Chrisette, but that's probably because he's around and my lovely bride is maybe in the Maldives, we think.

"Is that why I'm not invited to Guys' Night?" he asks.

"Because I raw-dog you on the weekends?" I ask sarcastically. "No, it's because you didn't go to college with us."

Todd makes a smug face, the kind that I used to want to slap off. "I thought it was because they knew you like to get your ass eaten."

Both of my middle fingers tell him what I think of that, and Todd laughs. I turn back to the sink. We've gotten past the phase when we fucked like bonobos. I'm glad; wanting Todd--fuckin' Todd--so much made me feel insane. Now that Seth's naps are shorter and less frequent there's way less impromptu banging in the kitchen or on the couch.

I say that, but Todd found time to blow me before he left for work this morning. He held me down and swallowed and it was so fucking good.

"I want to travel less so I can be with Seth more," Todd declares grandly.

"Seriously?" I turn around.

He looks a little embarrassed, maybe because he announced it like a fucking town crier.

Hear ye, hear ye!

Todd pulls his glasses off to rub the bridge of his nose. "Both of you. I think it'll be better for everyone."

I harrumph at that. Todd has been trying, but it'll take longer--a lot longer--than four months for him to move anywhere past being the guy who helped torpedo my marriage. He'd take a bullet for Seth, though, so of course he wants to stick around. Who knew what that smug bastard wanted most was to be a dad?

"Do what you like; you always do," I reply. Sooner or later he'll probably get bored of this weird domestic arrangement and move on, but at least I know that Todd's here now of his own volition. Chrisette didn't even want to be with me; I just took my role of Todd stand-in too seriously.

Ugh, that is fucking depressing.

The book I'm reading instead of doing therapy would advise that I reframe that line of thought as a story I'm telling myself. Is it a helpful or a harmful story? A story is easier than feeling bad for missing a billion signs about Chrisette's mental health and, you know, my...uh...feelings.

"Hey, Jesse." Todd puts his hands flat on the bar top.

"What?"

"Do you still think I'm a bad person?"

"Huh? No," I answer as easily as I used to tell Chrisette the opposite. Todd is no worse than me, at least.

He sighs. "Okay. Because if you're putting up with me just because of Seth, if you actually want me gone, then I need you to say those words. Otherwise, I'm here."

"Oh, come on," I start, but Todd's back is stiff as a board, he isn't meeting my gaze...The man is nervous. How can I respond to that? I'm still not sure how much I like him, but to have started off wanting to sock his face every time every five seconds and now feeling like it maybe wouldn't be so bad if he stuck around for a while...it's too complicated. The best I can do is to touch his hand so that he looks at me. "I'm glad you're back."

Todd relaxes. I think he'll leave it at that, but then he grabs the back of my head and pulls me to him across the bar. Todd's tongue is on mine before I know it; he kisses me until my skin tingles and I have to come up for air.

He grins smugly. "You missed me?"

"Shut up," I say, but I kiss him back this time.

March

The guys had asked me about it last night, which is probably why I'm so squirrely when Todd joins me on the back porch.

Scotty had looked fucking uncomfortable. "So is...Todd, um...the new Chrisette?"

I hadn't known how to answer.

"I'm only asking because you talked mad shit about him for two straight years and now, you know, he, uh...for sure...you know...um...lives with you," Scotty said in that way where I knew he was actually asking because Hannah wanted details.

I blushed, I know I did, but I had answered my buddy honestly. "He's around. Chrisette isn't. I'm figuring it out."

"No, uh, it's cool," Scotty had said, glancing around at the other guys. "Todd's a good-looking dude. Congrats." Everybody kinda nodded and I wanted to sink into the fucking center of the earth.

"If we're making comparisons, Todd is more like the new Hannah," I'd said, and the guys all

ooohed

like that was a sick burn.

Joe had piped up then. "Hey, no offense, but you might want a paternity test on Seth. Didn't Chrisette--"

"He has my ears, and my toes, and my temper," I cut him off. "And it wouldn't change anything, anyways."

Looking like he'd realized how much that fucking sucked, Joe tried to save face. "Nah bro, I mean like, you got tested, right? And maybe you didn't get anything, but Seth did. Like, just be careful."

In my defense, when I learned just how much Chrisette had been cheating on me it was a lot of testing. A lot. Thankfully it seems like she was careful with everyone else; mentally ill doesn't mean stupid.

But now I'm thinking about it, drinking seltzer on the patio and staring into the dark yard. Even though Todd said over again that he's "pan, not poly" (sounding fucking patronizing every time), he managed to be pretty poly when he was fucking me, Sasha, and Chrisette all in the span of a couple years.

Todd got Adirondack chairs for the deck because he didn't like having to sit on the steps. Or so he said. I think it's because he found a tiny version for Seth and wanted an excuse to buy it.

"You're being weird," is the first thing Todd says to me when he sits down. He rests his beer bottle on the arm of the chair. "Can you just tell me what's up, or do you need me to guess? Something happen at Guys' Night?"

I want to hate the way he talks so bad, but I would have to change. To be less easy to read. If Todd wants all the weirdness while I'm still processing, though, he's fucking welcome to it.

"So hey, maybe we need to set some ground rules for this whole..." I gesture around the yard. "Deal. While you're here. With us, I mean."

Even without facing him I can tell that Todd is staring at me.

"Are you afraid I'm going to pull a Chrisette on you?" he asks sharply. I glare at him, and he actually looks sheepish. "Sorry, I guess I'm angrier with her than I thought. No, I mean: are you wanting to set some relationship boundaries?"

Hopefully shrugging makes it seem like I haven't been thinking about this for half a year. "I'm just saying. We haven't talked about it. Which I know is on me, too. I don't have time or energy to date, and like, um...I just don't want to have to get tested all the time. So if you're like, meeting anybody on all these work trips--"

Todd chuckles. "You found the most fucking tactless way to beat around that particular bush. No, Jesse, I haven't been fucking anyone else. Have you?"

I'm immediately defensive. "No!"

"Do you want to?"

"No." Shit, I answered too fast, and now he's looking even more fucking smug even though I was supposed to be the one asking questions, here. "Do you?"

"Nope," Todd says with that stupid grin. "Since we're exclusive, should I call you my partner? Is that vague enough for you?"

This got out of hand immediately. I can't think. "Um..."

He half turns to me in his chair. "Let me make this easier for you. When I tell the firm that I'm working from home when Seth is sick--"

"Don't wish illness on my child."

"Do you want me to say that a) my kid is sick, b) my boyfriend's kid is sick, or c) my partner's kid is sick?"

If he puts it like that... "Option C, please."

Todd smiles so big that I can see all his teeth. "Okay then."

July

"I'm sorry," Todd says to the dark bedroom.

"I hear you. Just, let me be mad for a little bit."

"Okay."

A while ago he told me he was going to do this--apologize more, be less guarded. Also, now I know that my silence is the exact thing he was afraid of. I don't know how to handle having this kind of power over someone.

The real thing that upset me is pretty easy to make into a question, though. "Why did you wait so long to tell me she called?"

Todd sighed. "Honestly?"

"Duh."

"Because there's a part of me that worries you'll take her back."

I sit up to put my back against the headboard. "What, did she say that's what she wants?"

"See, this is why I worry," Todd grumbles as he matches my posture. "She didn't, but I'd really like it if you would say out loud what you want. Long term."

Taking one day at a time is the only way I made it through the past couple years. "I haven't thought about it."

"You don't

allow

yourself to think about it," he points out.

I want to add that comment to the list of things I'm mad about, but he's not wrong. "Fine. Let's say Chrisette comes back. She doesn't have a place to live, we don't know her job situation, and who knows if she has any money. She would need help."

"Right." Todd sounds like he has a few things to add, but thinks better of it.

"Is it wise to let her be around Seth, though?" I wonder out loud. "We know she can go AWOL; the last thing I want is to do is leave her alone with him and then have them both go missing."

Todd makes a noise in his throat. "Shit, yeah."

I gesture into the darkness. "So, no, there's no taking her back."

"Okay."

I reach over to smack Todd's leg so that he looks at me. "Listen, motherfucker, when I met you I thought I was straight and in a committed relationship. And it was so, so,

so

fucked up the way you decided to let me know that neither of those things was true, like legit sociopath shit. But here we are. If I see Chrisette again, it will be to ask for a divorce. And if she says no then I'll fucking file for a default--I've thought about it that much at least."

Todd's slow exhale fills the room. "Jesse, I'm about to say something heavy."

He does this sometimes, but it's usually stuff I've figured out already. The last time was that it really bothered him when the Shens talked shit about me to him, and that's why he volunteered to find me at their July 4th party two years ago. He tried to be nice and it went sideways because he's a fucking mess and I'm worse.

"Go for it," I say.

It comes out in a jumbled rush.

"I'm used to people coming in and out of my life. Maybe it's losing my parents so early and then bouncing around in foster care, but it usually doesn't bother me if friendships end. Even Chrissy, I didn't push anything with her because I figured it would just happen when the timing was right. It was isolating, but on the upside I never had my heart broken. Not being needed is, you know, my personal status quo.So I know I'm fucking up a lot with you, but this is also the first time I've ever

tried

. Because I have thought long term, and I still want Seth calling me 'Dod' when he graduates college."

He takes a breath. "I don't want you and Chrissy, or any woman, or anybody, to be together. I want it to be me. You and me, long term. And...hah, fuck. I don't know what I'm doing, and so I'm gonna keep making mistakes, but I won't stop trying. And I hope you'll hang on long enough to see a better version of me. You're worth trying for. Changing for. However long I made you feel like you weren't enough for anyone, I will spend as much time as it takes to convince you of the opposite, in any way I can."

Heavy, he said. No kidding.

"I--"

"And, sorry, I just have to say this again, but I was never going to keep that phone call a secret," he swears. "You deserve to know when she pops up."

A sense memory of a sticky summer night surfaces, Todd sitting by me to deliver bad news in a casual fashion.

You deserve to know if you're going to be down a spouse.

He's been trying for a long while, hasn't he?

I can't see his face, but I look over at the man I used to hate. The man who helped ruin my marriage. The man who held me when I couldn't breathe. The only person who ever saw me at my lowest and wanted more.

I don't know exactly why I feel like I need to, like, comfort Todd. Sure, not telling me immediately that the mother of my child called him pissed me off. But there's no denying that things have been easier with just Todd around. This is the first time I've been really mad at him since...was it the day after the threesome? Is Chrisette the only reason Todd and I ever fought? That can't be right.

"C'mere," I finally say.

Todd scoots over and puts his head in my lap. I let him settle an arm over my thighs and put my hand on his head. Comfortable shit. Easy shit. Because Todd pays more attention to me than I realize and figured out that I like it when he acts cuddly. Or, a kinder version of this story would be that Todd allows himself to be more physical, needier, more vulnerable because I'm cool with it. His hair is soft.

"You are needed, for the record," I say. "I need you around."

Todd chuckles, "You don't, actually. I was an asshole to ever say you did."

"Fine. Then I want you." That's not really what I meant to say or how I wanted to say it, so we both kinda freeze. It feels like the words are taking up physical space in the room. I know Todd is reading into it, and normally I'd say he was delusional, but...I don't know. Something about having to face the potential of Chrisette being back in town brings all the other shit I've been ignoring into the forefront.

Todd has one of the weirder possible responses to my statement. He gets up and pulls the curtains open so that moonlight can reach halfway across the bed.

"The neighbors are gonna--"

"They can't see in." He gestures at the solid wall beyond our fence. "I want to look at you."

"Nothing you haven't seen before."

Todd's mouth--fine, it's a good mouth with a nice shape. I noticed, okay?--turns up at one corner. "I still can enjoy the view."

"You can't see shit, four eyes," I say.

Now he laughs as he crawls back into bed, but adjusts so that he's between my legs with his head on my stomach. I tense for a second, because there's a good chance that he'll bite me or stick his tongue in my navel just to watch me jump. But Todd behaves himself for once, which I can admit is kind of disappointing.

Right as he's getting comfortable, I sigh, "I knew you were lying."

He pushes himself up, looking offended. "What?! I swear--"

"You walked through my door that day, looked me dead in the eye, and said 'I'm not saying I won't ever move out in life.'" It's hard not to smile, but I try. "You said, and I quote! Fuckin' liar."

"Okay, in my defense," Todd says, "I was pretty desperate."

I laugh, "Because you love mess."

"No, dummy, because I love you."

My chest tightens. "Shut up, Todd."

"You rude--fuck you, man!" Todd says in disbelief, and then we're wrestling all over the bed, laughing louder than we should given the toddler sleeping across the hall.

It's fucking silly. "Shut up!" "No, you shut up!" we keep ordering each other. There's a lot of pinching. Todd rips my boxers off and a familiar tingle grows in my belly. It's on now.

I pounce on him, grabbing any and everywhere. He's doing the same, running his hands over my skin in a way that would get him thrown out of any real wrestling match.

Eventually, sweaty and panting, I pin him on his back.

"One of these days you're going to say it back," Todd grunts, struggling showily. "And you're going to feel so stupid that you didn't do it earlier."

"You probably feel pretty stupid right now," I reply sarcastically.

He gives me one of his favorite

are you an idiot

looks, the kind he wants to be irritating. "I don't though? Because I do love you."

"You have bad fucking taste," I joke, but Todd looks more offended than when I told him I was lying. He wriggles from under me and shoves me onto the bed, wrapping himself around me from behind so we're both on our sides. He's so hard. The cloth-covered heat of his cock lies between my asscheeks, and I shiver. This is gonna be good.

"How dare you," he growls in my ear.

Still laughing a little, I reach for the bedside table. Todd takes the condom and lube from me, shucking his clothes and slicking himself up. If you'd have told me two years ago that I would know how to finger myself in order to get fucked up the ass, I would have punched you in the face. Now I hold my leg up so that Todd can press his cockhead into that tight ring of muscle, and when he finally pops inside I think

That's nice

instead of

Oh no why do I like this

.