Star Struc

A movement beside me woke me up. I cracked open my eyes, seeing Chris sitting up on the edge of the bed. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up." He apologized. I yawned, shaking my head at the same time.

"It's no big deal." I said, sitting up.

"Are you following me to set today?" I wanted to say yes so badly, knowing that it could have been my last few days to spend with him. On the other hand, I figured that I should start distancing myself from Chris, in an attempt to dampen the blow when he left. I decided and shook my head. The look of disappointment on his face made me wish I hadn't declined but I stood by my decision.

"Okay. I should go get ready then." He said, getting up and grabbing his clothes on the floor, before leaving my room. I lay back down on the bed. It was torture, knowing that I only had a few days left with him. We hadn't decided on where we were going to go with our relationship but I had a strong feeling that, come the next day, Chris was going to be leaving and we would be nothing more than friends. There was nothing more I wished than to be able to freeze time at that moment, prolonging the time we could have together. I put a pillow over my face, screaming into it. I didn't want to deal with this.

I pulled myself out of bed, knowing that moping around wasn't going to make me feel any better. I brushed my teeth and pulled on a pairs of sweat pants and a t-shirt. I made my way down to the kitchen, brewing a new pot of coffee. As I waited for the coffee to be ready, I walked out the back door, sitting on the back porch and staring out to the pool.

I looked across the pool to the lounge chair that I was in just a few days back. It seemed so long ago, before all this. Before I knew that Chris was gay. Before I knew that he returned the feelings I had for him. I heard footsteps behind me and I didn't need to turn to know who it was. Chris sat down beside me, holding out a cup of coffee in front of my face. I took it, sipping the hot beverage.

"I'm leaving tomorrow Justin." Chris said.

"Yeah I know." I said, turning the mug in my hands.

"I wished I could stay here."

"I do too but life has to go on I guess, no matter how much we don't want it to." He lay his head on my shoulder, sighing.

"I can't help but feel like we've already given up, resigning to the fact that we could never be."

"Maybe we know that prolonging it would only make it harder in the end."

"Maybe." The tone of his voice broke my heart.

"How are you getting to the set?" I asked, remembering that he didn't have a car here.

"Jo's coming over to get me." He said and I nodded. I tried to be bright, I really did, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find it in me to smile, let alone be happy. I heard the rumble of the engine a few minutes later, knowing that my mom was here. I heard the front door open.

"Chris?" She shouted.

"Back here." He replied, before looking to me. "See you tonight. Bye." He said, kissing me on the cheek and getting to his feet. I turned and watched as he retreated into the house. My mom stood by the glass sliding door, a sad look on her face as she looked at me. I broke eye contact with her, not wanting any sympathy. No more words were exchange as I heard their footsteps fade till the front door closed. The hum of the engine slowly drifted away until it disappeared.

I don't know when I decided to head down to work but I got ready nonetheless, hoping a day in the kitchen would keep my mind off things. After washing up, I left home, driving down the familiar road to my restaurant. As I walked into the restaurant, I noticed it was empty, not surprising seeing that it was still pretty early. The waiter saw me and smiled, welcoming me, to which I returned a half-hearted wave.

I proceeded to the kitchen where the chefs were all prepping for lunch. Sam looked up and saw me. Not feeling like chatting much, I walked past her and headed straight for me office. As I entered, I noticed that Ryan was at his desk.

"Hey man, so how did things go with Chris?" He asked.

"I don't really want to talk about it." I said, throwing my keys onto the table, putting my face in my hands.

"Didn't go so well?" He asked, walking over and sitting on the edge of my desk.

"Didn't I say I didn't want to talk about it?" I quipped, getting a little irritated. I was really in no mood to talk about Chris.

"C'mon man. Tell me what happened. He turned you down in the end?" he asked.

I sighed, knowing that Ryan wasn't going to stop his questions until I answered them. "No. We talked and stuff happened." I said, sparing Ryan the details of what we did. "Goddamn it I shouldn't have gotten involved. Now I am just digging a hole for myself."

"What happened? I thought you said he was looking for a relationship too."

"He was. The thing is, my mother has other thoughts about our relationship. She is right of course. I knew what I was getting myself into if I got involved with him, and yet I still went through with it. How stupid can I be?"

"Hey dude, relax. It's not the end of the world." He said. When I didn't reply, he sighed and walked back to his desk. But that was the thing; it was the end of the world, my world. In just two short days Chris had become everything to me, and I was going to lose it all.

I managed to pull myself together enough to start working in the kitchen. Everyone could probably tell I wasn't in the mood for talking, all staying clear of me. Sam shot me occasional concerned looks but I ignored them. Lunchtime came and the rush of customers helped occupy my mind enough to take it off of Chris. Because of my silent bout, I worked a lot faster than usual, not spending any time talking to others and focussing on what I had to do.

In the end the lunch crowd dissipated, meaning there was less work to do, which also meant that my mind could wander again. I sighed and walked back into my office, taking off my apron and jacket. Ryan looked up when he heard me. "I'm heading off." I said, grabbing my stuff and leaving without another word. I walked to my car, stopping just outside of my door. I didn't want to go home. I knew the silence of it all would make me go crazy. Ryan was still working so his place was out of the question. I sure as hell wasn't heading to the set, just a few blocks down from where I was. I thought of the only other place I could think of.

I got into my car and drove off. It was fifteen minutes before I stopped outside the suburban home. I shut off the engine and walked up the front lawn toward the door. I rang the doorbell, hoping that he was home. The door opened and a tall man stood at the doorway. His brown hair was short and combed back in a very neat hairstyle. His skinny frame towered over me. At 6'3", Ben was a lot taller than me and even taller next to my mom.

"Justin? Um your mom isn't here. She's on set." He said.

"I know. Can I come in anyway?" I asked. He nodded, moving aside for me to enter. I walked in and went straight for the couch, dropping myself onto it, lying on my back.

"Is something bothering you?" Ben asked, taking a seat in the armchair next to me. After my dad died, Ben became kind of a father figure for me. He was kind, nice and a strong pillar for my mom and I. I always said that Ben was the one who managed to pull my mom back on her feet after my dad died, but in a way, he helped me too, just by being there, and right then, I needed him more than ever.

"Ben I am so lost. I don't know what to do." I said.

"Talk to me. What's wrong?" he asked.

"It's Chris." I said.

"McCray?" He asked, confirming if I was talking about whom he was thinking of. I nodded my response. "What about him?"

"What do you do when you like someone, but you know you can never be with that person?"

"I'm guessing that you like Chris?" he said.

"Yeah, and he likes me too, but mom was talking about how our dating is going to complicate things and all that and I just don't know what to do." He paused for a while, thinking about what to say. I just waited for his reply.

"I guess you need to know what is Chris to you? A boyfriend? Just another casual relationship?" I cringed at those words. This wasn't some casual thing. I had never felt a connection to anyone as I did with Chris.

"No. Boyfriend I guess...I don't know." I didn't like that word either. It sounded so temporary to me, which wasn't what I wanted with Chris. I wanted to spend my life with him. "I think...I think I love him."

"Have you told him that?" Ben asked, not even batting an eyelid.

"What's the point? He's leaving tomorrow. Even if I tell him, it's not going to change the fact that our relationship is going to affect us in ways that we don't want."

"But that's love Justin. It's about compromise. It's about giving up something, for another thing more important. You know I was your mom's best friend growing up. I had liked her for a very long time, but I had always thought about what would happen if we dated or if it didn't work out. I hesitated and your mom met your father and things went from there. Sure I wished I could have dated your mom, but she was happy, which made me happy. I loved your mom and knowing that she had found someone she loved was not something I could be jealous of.

"When your father died, I saw how sad your mom became, you too. It broke my heart to see you both so broken. I still loved your mom, but I put my feelings aside because I knew that you guys needed me more than I needed you at the time." I admired Ben for so many reason but learning this just made me respect him more. It can't be easy watching someone you love broken up over someone else, but he not only watched on the sidelines but helped her through it too. He did it for my mom's good. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that, if you love someone, you have to think of not only yourself but the other person as well."

I lay there, staring at the ceiling. I wanted to be with Chris a lot, but what Ben said made a lot of sense. Dating him would put his career at risk, something I did not want to do. Seeing him on set the previous day, I could tell how much he loved his job, and I couldn't let him mar that just because of me. "Thanks Ben. I think I know what I need to do." I said, getting up.

"Just remember, if things were really meant to be, it would always work out in the end." He said. I nodded and proceeded to the door. I got in my car, and put my hands put my hands onto the steering wheel. I didn't want to do it, but I knew that it was for the best. I sighed and drove home.

Later that evening Chris came back, my mom dropping him off. Chris found me sitting out by the pool, lying in the same lounge chair I sat in a few days ago.

"Hey what are you doing?" He asked, pushing the other lounge chair next to mine, sitting in it. I sighed, taking his hand in mine.

"We need to talk about this." I said.

"I know and I think I've come to a decision."

"So have I." I said, rubbing my thumb on his hand.

"By the way you sound I'm guessing that we won't be dating after tomorrow." I nodded at his statement. Admitting that to him was really painful, like I was being torn apart from the inside. "I guess it's for the best. You deserve better than what I can offer." I brought his hand up to my face and kissed it.

"Don't say that. I don't deserve anything more than what you can give and vice versa. I will miss you though." I said.

"I'll miss you too. But can we just spend this night together, for me to remember you by." He said. I knew he didn't mean sex. He meant just savouring the last few hours of us having a relationship. "I don't want to think about me leaving, and I just want to feel happy with you." I cracked a bittersweet smile.

"Are you saying that you don't feel happy now with me here?" I lightly joked, although I actually felt like throwing up. He half smiled.

"As happy as I can be." He said, resting his head on mine. We spent that evening looking up at sky. It was a cloudy night, the moon partially blocked by the thick clouds. I felt like it was a representation of us in a way. The moon represented our happiness with each other, and now, knowing that we would be parting ways, that happiness was disappearing.

A tear finally escaped my eye that night, flowing down my cheek and dripping onto the tiled floor of the poolside. Chris saw this, bringing his hand up to my face and cradling it in his palm. He kissed my forehead and held me to his chest, which opened the floodgates. I had tried to stay strong, but I loved him and knowing that he was leaving totally unhinged me. I cried into his shirt, leaving wet marks on the cotton fabric. He held me tight, not patronizing me by asking me not to cry.

I finally managed to control myself, willing myself to stop crying. This wasn't helping anything. I pulled my face out of his shirt and wiped any residual tears from my face. "Sorry about that. I'm not usually this emotional." I said, chuckling a little.

"Thank you." He said.

"For what?"

"For letting me be a part of your life, even if it was only for a few days." He said.

"You really are something Chris McCray." I said, using the same line that he used on me a few days ago.

We left our spot by the pool, heading back into the house. I made us some hot cocoa, before we sat on the floor in the living room, leaning against the couch. We hardly talked during that time, knowing that saying anything would have just made the approaching separation all the more harder. It was almost 11 when we went up to bed and fell asleep in each other's arms, for what seemed like the last time.

When I woke up the next morning, Chris was already awake lying next to me. "Morning." I said.

"Morning. Do you know you snore in your sleep?" He asked me. I looked at him and cocked an eyebrow.

"You're one to talk. You do too okay." I said.

"I do not." He rebutted.

"Oh yes you do." I smiled, kissing him on the lips. "But I like it. Makes me feel you're human, because quite frankly, you seem so perfect sometimes I wonder if you were made in a lab." I said. It was nice that we could talk like we were both okay. It made me feel like I could live through this whole ordeal.

"Oh shut up, you know you like it." He said, a cheeky smile on his face. He climbed on top on me and began tickling my mid section without warning. I wriggled under him, trying to get away from his onslaught. I laughed so hard as I tried pushing his hands away, but his weight on me prevented me from moving anywhere. My stomach was hurting by the time he stopped, leaning down and placing his ear against my chest. I could still feel my heart beating hard from his attack on me. "Seems like you're human too."

"Well of course I am." I said, still smiling from the tussle we just had together. "Why would you think otherwise?" He looked up at my face, resting his chin against on sternum.

"Because you seem perfect too. You're perfect to me." He said. The smile on my face dropped almost immediately. It wasn't that I didn't like what he said, I did. It made me fuzzy just hearing it. But it was that he was leaving that day and I had thought that our light-hearted banter earlier meant that we would make his departure as least painful as possible. That couldn't happen if he said things like that.

"Chris." I said, pushing him off of me. "Don't do that. I'm sad enough as it is. Don't make me regret what we're going to do before we even do it."

"What? I'm just saying what's on my mind." He defended himself.

"And what you say is making this harder for me to cope." I said, sitting up on the edge of the bed. "Please, I'm barely holding on as it is."

He moved over and hugged me from the back, resting his chin on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. I thought that it would make you feel better." He said. I placed a hand on his cheek.

"Let's go shower." I said, getting up off the bed. Chris followed me into my bathroom. We both got into the shower as the hot water pour over our bodies. We were both silent, unsure of what to say. I wished that we could go back to the playful banter from earlier but I had no idea how to do it. I asked the only question on my mind, as I rubbed soap into his back. "What's the time of your flight?"

"3.30pm." He replied.

"Is my mom going back with you?"

"I think so." I thought about it and I realized that everyone was going. The only other person I had for support once Chris left was Ryan, maybe Sam.

"So what are you going to do when you get back to L.A.?" I asked, edging him into the path of the water to wash the soap away.

"I don't know. Relax a little?" He said.

"Pig. Didn't you relax enough here?" I joked.

"You gotta be kidding right? Work is never relaxing. But I would say that the food I had here was world class." He said, shooting me a smirk.

"Oh why thank you. I'm so honoured." I said, jokingly bowing to him.

"Yes you should be."

"Oh shut up." I said, chuckling a little.

We finally got out of the shower and got dressed before heading down to the kitchen. As I made us breakfast, he told me about a funny moment that happened on set the previous day. I was glad that I managed to steer the conversation back to this. We were just talking like two good friends.

We spent most part of the morning talking. Nearing noon, we both went up to his room for him to finish packing up. I helped him the best I could, although I didn't really do much besides comment on how horrible his packing was. He would simply glare at me in reply.

Finally the doorbell rang, signalling my mom's arrival. I went downstairs to open the door for her, while Chris finished up his packing.

"Hey hun." She said as she walked in.

"Hi mom." I looked out the door and saw Ben leaning against the side of the their car. I waved at him and he returned one.

"So is Chris ready?" My mom asked.

"I think so. He should be down any moment." I said, and at just that moment, Chris came walking down the stairs, carrying his luggage in his hand. "See?"

"Okay then, I'll go wait by the car then." She said. The look she gave me told me she was giving us some privacy to say our goodbyes. I was going with them to the airport, but there was only so much we could do there, under the eyes of the pubic. She left the house, closing the door just enough so to give us privacy.

"I guess this is it then." I said, looking into Chris's eyes.

"I guess so." He said, putting his suitcase down onto the floor. I walked over and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug. "I'll miss you."

"Me too." I looked up. His eyes locked with mine as he lowered his head to mine, locking our lips. Sparks shot through my skin, as it always did when he kissed me, only this time, there were hints of sadness surrounding it. We broke apart and I sigh, leaning my forehead against him. "Yeah I will definitely miss you."

"C'mon let's go. Wouldn't want Jo to wonder what we were doing." He said, shooting me a smile before I followed him out the door. I drove to the airport in my mom's prius, Chris riding shotgun while mom and Ben were seated in the back. The ride to the airport was a quiet one, everyone simply keeping quiet.

By the time we arrived at the airport, it was 1.30pm. They hurriedly checked in their luggage as I waited behind. After everything was done they came up to me.

"Okay hun. We'll see you soon okay? I promise I won't wait 8 months before visiting again." My mom said.

"Sure mom." I said and hugged her. We broke apart and she turned to Chris.

"Bye Justin. I hope you're okay." Ben said to me. I nodded. I would survive, if not anything.

"Thanks again Ben, for everything yesterday." He nodded and walked over to my mom who was rummaging through her purse.

"Well then I guess this is goodbye for real now." Chris said, holding out his hand for a handshake.