When Friends Become More

"Maybe one day I'll be somebody."

"Who says you aren't already?" Luiz asked.

I think about it. "I mean in the sense that I'll matter."

"I'm pretty sure you matter."

Typical Luiz. I resist the urge to punch his shoulder. Instead, I offer my shoulder as a pillow for his head. I like it when he rests his head on my shoulder.

Luiz laughs quietly. "You're not going to win this argument."

"Who says we're arguing?" Trees. A valley of trees flowing down Table Mountain like wild fire, some trying to rise above others while the rest are content at making up the army of green tops stressing the mountain's valleys and peaks, flowing into the Atlantic.

"Mark left me." The atmosphere shifts. There is now a cold patch on my shoulder where Luiz's head just was. I return his stare and wait for him to get over his initial reaction.

"You're joking, right?"

"Okay, I left him. What does it matter?"

This time, Luiz hits my shoulder, like only a best friend is allowed to do. I rub my shoulder. I scowl at him and won't be offering him a pillow for a while.

"What the hell happened, John? Mark loves you."

It doesn't escape either of us that Luiz confidently proclaims Mark's love for me, but not mine for him. Plenty of guys loved me over the years, it's not like that makes Mark special. Luiz doesn't mention my apathy toward Mark. Maybe it's implied.

Luiz leans back against my car's windshield and locks his fingers behind his head. "He was a good guy."

And there it is. Mark is already relegated to the past tense between us.

"What has that got to do with anything?"

Luiz sighs. He looks out at the same sea of fiery trees, probably seeing a different ocean of green than I do.

"I don't care that you're disappointed in me, you know."

Luiz laughs. It's humorless, and it pisses me off. But neither of us acknowledge the lie in my words.

Love might be a currency, but I don't trade in it. Do I love people? I'm pretty sure I love my parents. Aside from them, Luiz is the one person I'm fond of. I might even love him. I know he loves me. I know because he told me so when he was nineteen and I was twenty. I'd been going with a guy one year younger than Luiz at the time, a needy eighteen-year-old named William. William grated on me but he made up for it with zesty sex.

Luiz wrote me a long love letter that year. Like a seven-page script for a daytime soap drama long. Truth be told, I only read the first two paragraphs and skipped to the end. No one has that much time.

The gist of it was that he loved me, and that he was convinced he'd never find someone like me again. I was it for him, and would I leave the kid for him. The more I read, the less I liked Luiz. In fact, I wanted to punch his face. Why tell me that? I had enough people trying to get into my pants. Always had. It started when I started to develop muscles and hasn't ended yet. What I didn't have, aside from him, was someone who liked me for something other than my butt and dick.

I told Luiz this, too. Needless to say, William stayed around a while. By the time I dumped him, I'd been a real asshole to him. I'd only kept him around to annoy Luiz. Yet he still begged me to reconsider. Give us another chance.

Go figure.

That's the currency of my ass and dick right there. The only currency I trade in. Except with Luiz.

"You're going to grow old, lonely and alone."

I want to tell him I know that. Instead, I throw my ankle over the other one and stow my fear. "That doesn't sound so bad. I'm not worried."

Luiz turns to me. His eyes search mine, and I allow it. "You're not?" he asks.

I shake my head and hold his gaze. "You'll be there, making sure I'm okay. Lord knows I've been trying to shake you off since the seventh grade. Guess you're not going anywhere."

My words are severe. Anyone who doesn't know me would think I was serious. Anyone except Luiz.

I catch Luiz rolling his eyes. He always pretends like he's suffering me. "The sad thing is I know you're right."

"Damn right."

I keep Luiz in the corner of my eye. I'd like to study him like he studies me, but he's always studying me. And I'm always pretending like I don't notice. Or that I don't care. This leaves me with little time to memorize him like he spends hours doing with me. I don't mind that he drinks me in every time we're together. It's probably the closest we'll ever get to being intimate. People have been trying to be intimate with me since I hit puberty. Men. Women. Everyone wants to fuck me. Or be fucked by me. It's exhausting and annoying. Sometimes I wish I could give them my body for a half hour, minus my soul and mind. They could have sex with me while I go shopping or catch up on work. But it doesn't work that way, and while I enjoy sex, the thought of going with most of the people who want me grosses me out. Which just pisses me off, and makes me want them to stop gawking at me. Luiz gets to study me.

Would Luiz always be there?

Damn right he will.

*****

I drop Luiz off at his house, located on the better side of town. Not that I'm jealous. He still lives with his parents at twenty-eight years old and works for his father. He has his own space in a converted garage, but it's still his jail. I wave him off and wait till he's inside before driving off. I prefer my one-bedroom apartment in the low rent district of town which I pay for and work hard to afford. I suspect Luiz would prefer that too to his spacious, suffocating, semi-detached apartment.

I'm exhausted when I wake up the next morning. Work is a bitch, but I get through it. Sometimes I feel like I just work to afford hiking. Try as I might, I fail every time to prevent myself from following a rather destructive train of thought. I should have been more assertive when I had the chance and pursued some type of outdoor career where I could spend my days surrounded by the abundant nature of Cape Town. My parents had had my best interests at heart, they'd said. No real money in nature conservation, they'd told me. What life can a wildlife specialist build for himself? Truthfully, I'd pursued academia just to shut them up at the time.

Now I lived for the few stolen hours each week when I could trek through Cape Town's forests, breathing in the damp and changing landscapes which never stay the same. Try as I might, I'm never able to resist the urge to hug a one-hundred-and-seventy-year-old Californian redwood in the serene Tokai forest in Cape Town's upper-middle-class Constantia Valley. There are few moments in life I can point to where I feel as at peace as I do while I try to wrap my arms around the unfathomable size of the giant cinnamon-colored bark.

Trees live a long time. In fact, they can live for thousands of years, I'm sure of it. Just look at those tall trees in the photos in magazines and on the net. They are magnificent things, much like the human spirit.

"People are like trees."

"You've said that before." Luiz wipes his face, damp from perspiration, and leans against an old oak's bark. "How much farther?"

"You're not tired already?" I smile at Luiz, challenging him. Really I was just willing him to keep going. Few things are as annoying as stopping in the middle of a hike just when the endorphins hit.

"I need a break."

"Fine." I don't hide my annoyance and use the time to do my stretches. Luiz wheezes against the oak tree, trying to catch his breath, but his eyes are on me as I bend down and touch my toes. I start on crossover jumping jacks and stand with my feet at hip-width, my arms straight out to my sides. I jump up just enough to cross my right leg in front of the left, and quickly reverse the motion to return to the starting position. I'm aware of my vest riding up and exposing my back, and I just leave it. Turning around, I catch a glimpse of Luiz's intense stare, and he shuts his mouth when he notices me watching him. I smirk at him. He smirks back and takes another sip of water.

"Ready?"

"I got to take a leak." Turning his back to me, Luiz fiddles with his sweatpants. I walk up next to him and pull down my jean's zipper. In our nearly two-decade-long friendship, this is the first time we see each other's dicks. Luiz has a short dick, and I'm disappointed for some reason. Maybe he's a grower, and not a shower. I hope so for his sake, and the sake of the guys he's been with. At least he has girth going for him. But it just made his dick look stumpy. Like a tree stump. I laugh but hide it in a forced cough.

This is one time, I'm not ashamed to return Luiz's unabashed appraisal and take in the sight of his dick as much as possible, prolonging my pee by shaking my dick longer than necessary to offer Luiz a greater view of it before I tuck it back into my jeans and zip up.

Luiz was quiet for a while as we trekked the forest. I'd chosen a tougher than usual trail for the afternoon as I wanted to sweat out some frustrations. I also wanted to get Luiz wheezing like he is now. His office job will destroy his health if I don't keep him fit.

"Is your dick still that short when you're aroused?"

"What?"

"You want me to repeat it?"

"No. Shut the fuck up."

I turn around when we reach the top of the trail. Luiz is struggling up the last few steps, walking on all fours. I bend down and hold out my hand, pulling him up. He nearly collapses in my arms when he closes the gap between us. I expect a haranguing from him for choosing such a tough trail, but I guess the vast army of trees before us rammed his tongue down his neck.

I place my arms on my hips. "Utterly worth it, right?"

"Totally."

While the sight of thousands of trees would usually arrest my mind, I am not able to let go of the tree stump in Luiz's pants. Did it grow larger? Or was that all he had to work with?

"Why haven't you ever brought me here before?"

"Didn't think you'd make the trek." I shrug at Luiz's hurt expression.

"I totally proved you wrong, didn't I?"

I shrug again, giving him the victory.

"You know that everything I do, I do to make you proud of me."

It is a simple statement said in a simple way. But the severity of it punches me in the gut. I look from the morass of green leaves before us to where Luiz is, for once, not studying me, but taking in the hardhearted forest beneath us.

"I know," I say eventually, and turn to start back down the trail.

"Why in such a hurry? Let's stay a while and rest."

"It'll be nighttime soon. You want me to carry you down in the dark?"

Luiz sags his shoulders and pulls his gaze away from the view. Instead of leading the way down the trail, I turn back to him and push an accusing finger in his chest.

"Why do you want me to stay with Mark?"

"What?"

"You said you loved me," I accuse him.

Luiz jerks his head back. "And you never said it back. Ever."

"So hate me then."

"I can't."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you!" Luiz pushes my hand away and breathes heavily again. "What are you doing?"

"Your dick looks like a tree stump."

"What's it got to do with you?"

"If you love someone, you don't want them to be with someone else."

"If you love someone you want them to be happy," Luiz says. He runs a hand through his hair. His breathing calms, and I'm pissed. How can he be calm while I'm...while I'm...what am I?

"If you really loved me, you'd have tried to get with me, instead of pushing me into some asshole's arms."

"Had I done that, you would've left me at the side of a road in a ditch somewhere. Like you do to every other unfortunate person who has ever shown interest in you. I was lucky to get out of it by the skin of my teeth after that dumb letter." Luiz pushes past me and starts down the trail. "Piss off, man," he says when I make a grab for his arm. I turn him around and want to hit him. Instead, I kiss him. I kiss Luiz, the guy I had to protect from bullies in school. I kiss my friend, the guy who will always be there.

At first, Luiz does nothing but stand there. Finally, his tongue moves against mine, and he returns the kiss. I want to remember this moment. Our damp chests pressing against each other. Our hands awkward, our bones tired and our feet achy, but our connection never stronger. He tastes like cappuccino and lust, and I'm afraid I'm addicted to someone for the first time in my life.

To my surprise, Luiz is the first one to pull away. My senses are tangled up with his, and I slowly open my eyes to see him smirking up at me. It's the first time that my two inches on him don't seem to bother him. I look down at his honest eyes and I return the smirk.

It is a silent acknowledgement between us. We are going back to my apartment, as soon as we make it down the forest. When we get there, whatever happens, happens.

Luiz leans in close, his breath tingling my earlobe. "I do not have a stump."

Fuck it.

I grab his arm and turn him around. Before either of us can catch up with the moment, his sweatpants are around his ankles and I'm fiddling with my jean's zipper.

Luiz has an incredible ass.

I'd watched him sway his tight bubble butt around over the years, but seeing it in front of me is something else. It's not the prettiest butt I've ever seen, but it's up there with the best. I want to see for myself if Luiz's dick is still a stump or not, though. So I turn him around when my jeans are around my legs, and we stare at each other's dicks in silence.

"Wow."

I've had a lot more enthusiastic reactions to guys seeing my junk. But in that one simple word was every fantasy I knew Luiz has had over the years rolled into a single expression of relief. Of finally seeing what he'd been imagining, and finding it measuring up to fantasy.

Luiz's dick grows harder, and to my relief, longer too. It adds a good two inches, to bring his dick to a respectable four-and-a-half inches, I'd hazard to guess. I still had a good half an inch on him.

"I love you."

"I know." I'll fuck his love for me out of him eventually. "Turn around."

Luiz does, and holds on to the bark of a tall pine tree as I spit in my palm and rub it against his hole. It's late, and we are the only people there. The afternoon shade casts a shadow over Luiz's back, which only further emphasizes the severity of his round ass. Not giving any warning, I position my dick at his ass and push in.

Luiz arches his back and takes a deep breath, but he doesn't protest. He impresses me by taking me as easily as he does. When I fuck guys, I'm usually pissed off. I'm angry at them for just wanting my dick, for not caring about me. Even though I don't care about them. I smack their asses when I fuck them. When I'm really mad, I smack them hard. But I don't smack Luiz. I fuck him slowly, and build up a slow, warm rhythm.

I feel my pulse inside his ass, my heart beating in my dick as I plug my friend. Aside from a few soft grunts, Luiz does nothing but hug the pine and take it. I want to bury a piece of me inside of him forever. I want him to remember me forever. I know he will remember this moment, just like I will.

There is the temptation of prolonging it, but it is getting late. We still need to make the trek down and it is getting cold. So I move closer to him, closing the gap between us and resting my stomach against his back. I take his dick in my hand. My right hand, if you're visualizing. While I increase the thrusts of my dick, I beat his dick in tandem to my prick stabbing his belly.

I want to leave a piece of me inside him, and I do. The moment my dick starts squirting devastating spurts inside his gut, my hand is coated with his hot stickiness that doesn't stop. Of course I lean in closer, thrusting hard to make sure my come reaches the deepest part of his intestines. I want him to remember this moment forever. I want to leave a part of me inside him.

When my dick stops spurting, I stand on top of the mountain, my special place that I had never shared with anyone before, with my dick inside my friend's ass. I pull out slowly, and bring my hand to my mouth.

Luiz turns around as I start licking my fingers clean. His come tastes good. Not as good as mine. But not the worst I've ever had. I lick my fingers clean, reveling in the self-conscious smile he gives me as I refuse to break eye contact. I wanted a part of me inside him. Fair is fair.

When I'm done, we both zip up again and then stare at each other. I swat his head, and the bewildered look Luiz sports would be hilarious if I wasn't so pissed.

"Never let a guy fuck you without a condom!" I swat his head again. Again. The fourth time, he lifts his arm and stops me midair.

"Do you have a condom on you?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you use one then?"

"Because I didn't want to."

Luiz looks worried. I lower my hand and stick my arms in my jacket against the chill in the air. "Don't worry. I always use a condom when I let somebody fuck me."

"Why didn't you use one with me?"

"Because I want you to carry me inside you."

Luiz nods, then looks up at me. "Silly bastard. I always carry you with me."

And then it hit me. That moment when you realize you're not half empty. You are legendary. There is music in the descending night. We dance the stars out of the sky. These are the nights where everything feels possible.

I want to tell him to be extraordinary. But he already is. I want to tell him to take this moment and make it count. But he already knows this. I want us to get it right.

Luiz leans in and kisses me. He's getting it right. He's taking the moment, and so am I.

He turns around and legs it down the mountain, leaving me in his dust. I run to catch up to Luiz, who is perhaps my lover now, but probably something better. Still my best friend.