So Here I Am

"Well, I'm going to let you go, Dad, I need to get the kids ready for bed."

"Okay baby, thanks for calling, give my grandbabies kisses for me. I love you."

"Love you too, bye."

I end the call and stare at my phone. I love my kids and really enjoy talking to them, but every time we talk all the doubts, second-guessing, and other negative feelings get stirred up. They ask if I'm okay. Have I talked to their mom? Do I think we'll get back together? Blah blah blah... it gets a little irritating.

They know the situation; they certainly understand

why

I left and don't blame me for doing it. My oldest wonders why I didn't leave years ago, the others are sad about it but not angry with me. Their world changed. It was Mom & Dad for their entire lives and now it's not. I could understand if they faulted me, and I'm grateful that they don't.

I feel the sadness creeping in, from years of therapy for depression and PTSD I'm sure it's just a wave of sadness rolling through and not a dive into my illness. Part of me wants to go to the tavern and have a drink. I mentally roll my eyes, peopling is the last thing I want to do, and drinking is definitely the wrong thing for me to do right now.

Perhaps a cup of tea and sitting with my thoughts working out my feelings would be best.

I shake my head;

I sound like the VA therapist I used to see

.

I walk into my kitchen. Look at my kettle, "Earl Grey, hot." I stare at the kettle, it sits there.

"Fucking replicator is always offline". Snorting, I roll my eyes,

my god, even I think my dad jokes are stupid.

I turn on the kettle, get my cup and teabag out of the cupboard and busy myself cleaning up the kitchen and washing my dinner dishes. What a laugh, one plate, one fork and knife, one pan, and a wooden spoon. I take my time, and the kettle is hot as I finish, I fix my tea and go back to the living room.

I sit, tea beside me, staring at the blank TV screen allowing myself to marinate in my feelings. Normally when I start feeling this way, I busy myself to avoid thinking about it but tonight I just let it all flow through me. Self-doubt, self-recrimination, the sadness of loss, and guilt. With guilt comes anger. Anger at being made to feel guilty for doing what was necessary for my mental and emotional health. The anger feeds the sadness

. How can I be angry at her for being who she is? Do I have the right? Does it matter? I'm entitled to my feelings and so is she.

This is a fucking rollercoaster, no wonder I work all the time to avoid dealing with it...

The tea forgotten, I sit and stare at nothing, silent tears running down my face.

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I open the door to my dingy little apartment, a little later than usual, after an aggravatingly long day. Taking off my shoes and jacket I look at my kitchen. Nope, too tired to cook, so, eating out is on the menu. I plug in my laptop and drop my keys next to it on my way to the bathroom. Stripping quickly, I start the shower, get the temperature to the correct level of scalding and slip in.

I'm thinking of lingering but my stomach announces its needs so I do the quick wash and rinse instead, get out, dry off, put a dab of gel in the 3/4" blonde/grey hair crowning my head, put on jeans, a polo, my boots, and walk the two blocks to the tavern.

Paul sees me come in, pours my drinks, sits them at my spot, and leans next to the bar. "Can I get the grilled chicken club and a side salad, or am I too late for food?" I ask as I take a seat and pick up my ale.

"No problem, we can still take care of that."

I eat and chat with Paul. We chat more than we used to and nothing seems weird or forced. We just seem to be comfortable with each other, it feels like we are becoming more like friends now, rather than just acquaintances. Though we haven't talked about it, I get the impression that our bathroom encounter may have been his first, man-to-man dalliance, but outwardly he seems to be okay with it.

I've learned he's part-owner of the tavern and has a long-time girlfriend who isn't thrilled that he has to spend so much time here. I've also learned the nice waitress's name is Shawna, single mom, 40ish, and apparently doesn't date much, even though Paul knows she's approached often.

It's Thursday, a slow night, so we continue chatting about nothing while he busies himself behind the bar. The door opens and Tommy walks in; He stops just inside the door and scans the room, sees me, and heads straight for me, anger on his face. My stomach sinks,

oh great, the one thing I didn't want to happen must've happened. They split up... and it's all my fault.'

"Where the fuck have you been?" he asked stopping in front of me.

Taken aback by his abruptness, I get a little irritated. I ease off my stool and face him fully. "Excuse me?"

"I've been trying to get to you for over a month! You didn't leave us your number, we don't know your last name or where you live, and every time I come here, you're not here."

I hold my hand up; I'm a little lost and I'm trying to get my bearings. "Um... is everything okay between you and Beth?"

"Things would be a lot better if you hadn't ghosted us." He leans in, quickly gives me a one-armed man hug, rounds my stool, and plops down on the stool between me and the wall. "I'm glad I finally caught up to you!"

Paul sets down a Vodka Tonic with a twist and moves away, shooting me a questioning look. I nod and shrug, and sit back down. "So yeah, I'm doing great, Beth's doing great, the kids are great, we are all great! We're just bummed that when we woke up that morning you weren't there. Beth has had me coming here a couple of times a week hoping to find you. Why'd you bail?"

He was different somehow; he had an air of confidence I hadn't noticed when we first met. Honestly, it was attractive and I was intrigued. I explained that I felt it would have been better for the two of them to absorb what had happened and work out whatever feelings they had without me there and that I hadn't been here much lately because of work demands.

"Well, we stayed naked in bed most of that morning and talked. We talked about what we had done, wanted to do, what we were afraid to do, and why. We came to some conclusions and made some decisions. We decided that we really enjoyed our night with you and we both want to see you again. Together, and separately, if you're into it."

I jerked my head up, about to protest, Tommy held up his hand, "Hold up, we know you said no separate encounters but we know we enjoy being with someone in a threesome, and we know we'd both enjoy doing it separately. That way we can be uninhibited, and act how we wanted in the moment. We love each other and there are things we like to experience together, but we don't want to limit our enjoyment for fear of hurting each other's feelings, whether or not feelings truly are hurt."

He took a drink, "We agreed on complete disclosure before and after the fact. Listening to each other describe what happened with someone else is a huge turn-on for both of us."

He leaned into me and whispered; "I loved seeing her after you were done, naked and sweaty, raw, open, dripping... I want to see her like that more often, cleaning her like you made me do, while she tells me everything she did."

He sat back, took a drink, I took a healthy sip, and followed with a large swallow of my Ale. "What about Beth? You sure she feels the same way?"

"When we make love, she whispers in my ear that the idea of me moaning around a cock in my throat or ass practically makes her cum. She says she wants to watch it, and she wants to hear about it if it happens when she's not there. We even set up rules: we know and approve of whom the other is with. We know where they are, and we confirm they are tested and clean, which is important because we want to always do it raw."

I look at him closely' "I get the idea; I trust you have been honest with each other. But I thought I was clear about not seeing a couple separately."

"Yes, we know but we hoped you'd reconsider. We don't want to find other guys. We want you, together and separately."

"Okay, so say I agree..." Tommy looked up expectantly, I held my hand up, "hypothetically, say I agree. What does this look like as far as getting together?" Tommy looked at me, a hint of confusion crossing his face. "Listen," I said. "I don't do well with ambiguity, it's... uncomfortable for me. If this... relationship, is going to work I need to know what's expected of me and what I should expect of you. I know that doesn't feed well into the eroticism of spontaneity, but I can't agree until parameters and expectations are clarified."

"Oh, okay. I get it." Tommy adjusted himself in his seat, and took a drink of his beer, "we want date nights with you separately. Beth would like you to come to the house, I'll go out to a movie or something and come home after you leave. I would meet you somewhere, at a hotel or your place if you'd like. We also want to see you together occasionally, if that's the same night you're with Beth alone and after you two have your 'date', then that is okay, perhaps even preferable."

I downed the rest of my bourbon and took a deep cleansing breath trying to settle my mind. I chuckle to myself thinking;

years spent with no sex in an unsatisfying, if not debilitating, relationship, and now I'm offered the chance to fuck two people, repeatedly. How can I not?

"Okay. I'll give it a shot. What happens now?"

"Well, I need to text Beth and let her know I found you and you agreed to our proposal, and see what she says." He pulled out his phone and started typing so I got up and went to the men's room. I passed Shawna in the hallway and made a point of saying hello and using her name

(yes, I still felt like a dick for not knowing her name weeks ago.)

"Hey Shawna, how're you doing?"

"Hey JP, I'm good, same old you know, work, work, work, then more work." She chuckled lightly.

"Yeah, I know the grind. Hopefully, it only gets better." I nodded to her and she smiled. It hadn't occurred to me until now how pretty she was. Dark brown hair cut short, brown eyes, a very pretty smile. I'd never really noticed her figure, had never really looked. She was slender, with smallish breasts evident in her white button-down. Slim but shapely legs under a poofy skirt, attractive to be sure but nothing that would've caught my attention normally. What did catch my attention is that she was nice. Always friendly, pleasantly unobtrusive, yet entirely self-assured. I started to move on, paused, and thought

why not?

"Hey Shawna, I was wondering; if you're ever free, maybe you'd like to have coffee or something, sometime. It's okay if you can't or rather not..."

She tilted her head a bit, considering me with her deep brown eyes, "Yeah, that might be nice. Let's talk about it later and figure something out." She smiled and continued on her way. Smiling to myself, I moved on, took care of my business, and made my way back to the bar.

Tommy was standing "So, I told Beth, she's very happy you agreed. She, uh, kind of gave me instructions of what to do next." He held his phone out to me so I took it and read the text message from Beth.

So glad he agreed! If he's free tonight you should spend time with him. Then cum home and tell me all about it while we make love.

I looked up from the phone, and grinned at Tommy; "Did you want to come to my place?". He smiled and nodded.

I put a fifty on the bar and waved to Paul. We got in Tommy's car and drove the two blocks to my apartment. Inside, I removed my shoes and he followed suit and we moved to the center of the room.

Tommy stopped and looked around him. It doesn't take long to see it all; a small kitchen in an alcove on one side, one recliner and chairside table, a credenza with a small TV, a charging station for my laptop and phone in the living room, and two doors on the other side, opening to the bathroom and my small bedroom. "I know it's small, but it's temporary until I find some property I want. Did you need to use the bathroom or anything?"

"Um... no, I'm good." He looked a little nervous and a little fidgety.

"Take off your clothes."

He looked up, his eyes widening, "Uh... sorry?"

"I said; Take. Off. Your. Clothes." I crossed my arms and stared at him.

He looked down, "Yes... Sir." He uttered quietly and started unbuttoning his shirt. I stood there; arms crossed and watched him. I was never really into the whole Dom/sub thing, but I admit I felt a little tingle when he called me Sir. Maybe I'd play with that a bit, maybe not.

He looked around a bit, looked through the door to my bedroom then looked at me. I raised my eyebrows giving him the look I perfected with my kids; the look that says you'll brook no disobedience. He swallowed and removed his shirt, letting it fall to the ground.

"I don't think so." He looked up at me questioning. "Put your clothes away properly." He picked up his shirt and folded it, placing it on the chairside table, then he undid his pants and slid them off. He folded them neatly and put them on his shirt. "That's good. You need to take care of your things."

Tommy stood in front of me, arms at his side, looking down at his feet. I could see the blush on his face and on the top of his pale, fairly well-defined chest, accentuated by hard little nipples and a smattering of hair. My eyes roamed down his slender waist and smooth tummy, just a small layer of fat giving him an altogether soft look. Just below his belly, his dick made a small bulge in his underwear. Well, underwear doesn't quite describe the soft pink boy shorts he was wearing.

He put his fingers in the waistband of his shorts, "No. Just leave your panties on, they're kind of cute."

He looked embarrassed and nervous, but it was obvious he was becoming aroused. "Why don't you help me with my clothes?"

He stepped up to me and helped me pull my shirt over my head. He started to drop it on my chair, looked at me, and hastily folded it, setting it on the table. He reached for my pants, worked the button and zipper, and eased them down a little. He moaned when my hard cock popped out (

I'm nearly always commando except when dressed for work).

He sank to his knees, pulling my jeans down as he did. With my hand on his head, I lifted one leg, then the other as he freed my feet. He stared at my cock while he folded my pants, his face just inches away and I could feel his panting breath caressing my member.

Looking down I toyed with his hair a little, caressing down the side of his face, making my decision. I put my fingers under his chin and gently pulled him up. Standing again and facing me, I tilted his head a bit, leaned in, and brushed my lips against his, feeling no resistance I pressed harder. His lips pressed into mine and I felt him gently touch my back.

I wrapped my right arm around his back and pulled him to me, my left hand cupped the back of his head and I began kissing him in earnest. His tongue teased my lips and I opened them, he slid inside and moaned into my mouth, and tightened his grip on me. I moaned, he moaned; our tongues wrangling.

My cock was trapped against him, my precum smearing his soft belly. I could feel his hardness poking my balls so I reached down, pulled the front of his panties down, hooking them under his tight ball sack, slid my hand around and gripped his ass, and pulled him to me, trapping our hard cocks together between my hairy stomach and his, sexy as fuck, belly.

We continued kissing and grinding, my hands running all over his back and tight little ass. My hairy chest and hard nipples rubbed on his softly firm pecs. He pulled back, breathing heavily, "God I love your hairy chest, so hot." I gripped his hair and pulled his head back a little, and descended on his neck, kissing, licking, and nibbling. "Oh, fuck Daddy, fuck that feels good"

I continued tasting his neck, the divot over his collar bone, moving down his chest I took a nipple in my mouth. He apparently liked that, his hips jerked, driving his stiff dick into me, moaning I chewed on his tit as he ground himself into me.

I continued devouring his nipples, moving between the two and his ass cheeks with both hands, squeezing them as I lowered myself to my knees. Kissing and licked my way down his torso until I came to his cock. Pulling back a bit I took a good look at his 'manhood'. Circumcised, like me, about 4ish inches, not that thick, but straight and smooth. Precum was smeared all over it from the grinding he gave my belly. I licked the tip, looked at it again, and took the entire thing in my mouth. I pulled his panties off his ass, grabbed those firm globes, and pulled him into me.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god" his hands gripped my head and he kept muttering incoherent exclamations and I worked him in my mouth. I stuck my tongue out and licked his little scrotum. I didn't know what I was feeling, but I felt like I wanted to swallow him whole. I pressed harder and worked his balls into my mouth. Breathing in his clean scent, my nose pressing into his pubic bone, I massaged, squeezed, and pulled on his ass while I held his cock and balls in my mouth, sucking on all of him.

I pulled back, letting his sex go, panting and drooling I spun him around, pushed on his back and he complied, bending over, his tight little ass right in front of me. I took in his slightly separated cheeks, a little flushed from the workout I had been giving them. I took hold of each cheek, pulled them open and pushed my face in his ass, latched on to his hole, and began to feast.

"Oh my God! Oh, holy fuck! Fuck yesssssss...." His cries were a little loud and normally I would be worried about the neighbors hearing him, but I was so intent on pushing my tongue as far into his asshole as possible I didn't care. He bent over more, put his hands on his knees, and arched his back. I held his hips, keeping him steady ate him out with gusto.

The one sexual act I love more than any other is rimming. I could do it for hours and never tire of it. Nothing is better than having a hot ass on your face, and right now I was in heaven. I pulled back, worked my legs out from under me, and sat on my butt. I pulled him to me as I lowered myself down on my back. Tommy got the hint. Straddled me on his knees and hovered over me until I was settled, then eased himself down. As soon as his ass was close enough, I dove back in, tonguing his hole and pulling him down on my face.

I was content, he was moaning and grunting, running his hands over my chest and stomach. I felt him lean forward and then warm wetness enveloped the head of my cock. I took my tongue out of his saliva-drenched hole and took a ball in my mouth, I pulled his cheeks wider apart and started pushing a finger in his sloppy hole. His squeal was muffled by my cock filling his mouth, but instead of pulling away, he pushed back onto my finger. I took the hint and pushed in farther, and began working my finger in and out of him.

He let go of my cock, moaned "more please" and took me in again. I eased in another finger and continued sawing into him. His hand was wrapped around the base of my cock, and his other hand I could feel between us, massaging his own cock. We worked each other like this for about five minutes before he pulled up. "I need you to fuck me please."

I pulled out of him, pushed him up and he crawled off of me. He stood up and held out his hand to help me up. I stood, pulled him to me, and before he could register what I was doing I had my tongue in his mouth. Instead of resisting, he melted in my arms. Wrapping his arms around me, moaning into my mouth he started sucking on my tongue.

It's obvious that I enjoy oral sex. I love the feel of a cock in my mouth, of my face pressed deep in between two ass cheeks, or into the folds of a hot, wet, eager pussy, and I like those things done to me just as much. However, the hottest part of oral sex is kissing the person after you have serviced them. Knowing they can taste themselves on your tongue, or you taste yourself on theirs. It's the most intimate act I can think of.