I hope you've been enjoying these characters who've been keeping me company the last few months. I could have gone on much longer but decided this chapter, including some brief epilogues, would be the end of this story.
If there's demand for more, I could be persuaded to post various stand-alone stories.
I wake up on that Sunday morning, after having both Laura and Dan in my bed, possibly happier than I've ever been in my life. My man and my best friend not only survived the outcome of our pissed-up bet three months ago, but I'm closer to both of them, with a whole album of memories even without Dan's nearly-full sketchbook, about to enjoy a lazy day with Dan.
"Morning, love."
"Eh? Oh, mornin', Ade."
"What you doing?"
His mouth crinkles in a wee grin, and he shows me what he's drawing. It's a copy of one of the photos Laura took last night, him shoving it up my arse with a fierce possessive growl, me with my legs apart like the biggest tart in the world, my face like I've won the lottery.
Which I think I have.
There's no way this picture could ever go up on the wall.
Never.
I say as much to him. He smirks, retorting, "No? I thought it would make a nice quartet, along with this one, and this one, and this one... Two of you doing, two with you getting done; nice symmetry, innit?"
He's right - the set would be the hottest pornographic pics outside Mapplethorpe's latest exhibition. Hotter, if proof of bisexuality in a man is something that floats your boat.
"I could stick them in a nice frame above the bed. If anyone looks too close, it's their own fault for being nosey."
I'm sorely tempted, but given how often my friends get changed or whatever in here when they come round, no fucking
way
. Even Sam and Naz have visited, so absolutely not! It's one thing my colleagues knowing in the abstract I do men - even meeting Dan - but there's some things they never need to know. How wide my hole stretches is definitely one of them!
"I don't want anyone getting the chance to nose quite that far! Besides, I think our friends would be able to tell that's Laura, even without her head, and I can't see her agreeing to that in a million years!
"Fair point." He laughs. "Could be a good way to come out to your mom!"
"Don't you even be
joking
about that! Not enough brain bleach in the world... Reminds me, I'd best call my sister in a bit. Before she drops her wean."
"You're not particularly close, you and your sister, are you? When was the last time you saw her? What's her name again?"
"Michelle? Nah, not really. She's... Well, she's the dutiful Catholic girl, looks after Ma nice, I mean, she's sweet and everything. She came over for a work thing couple years ago, she stayed over one night... But I'm the embarrassing big brother, evil queer - ah, that's harsh, she's more 'hate the sin, not the sinner', which is cringe-making... Mostly, she's just boring. Never occurred to her to live anywhere outside Ireland, or to hang out with anyone not local and Catholic... I'm like, what did I look after her all those years for?"
"She's younger?"
"Five years, aye. If Da was going to be raging at anyone, better me than the wee doll playing with her teddies, y'know? Ah, she's got herself a sound man, even if he's a quare dryshite, she's happy with her wean and the new one on the way, it's all good."
I dial her number - I do talk to her every month or so on general principle. 'Family, innit', as they say on EastEnders.
"Bout ye, 'Chelle? How's it cuttin? Ah, meself? Magic, aye, grand, grand." I enjoy not having to be comprehensible for the English, and grin at Dan trying to run what he can hear through his mental translator. Chelle moved to near the border with Donegal and gets more culchie dialect every time I hear her, which from me is saying something, I tell you.
"Courting? Aye, could say I'm courting. Got me a bidey-in, and all."
I have to move the phone from my ear, she's that excited about my live-in partner.
So I venture telling her. "His name's Dan. A right sound man, an' all."
There's a pause, so I put my ear back to the receiver. That was a mistake.
In summary: I'll be the death of our ma. I knew that.
"Only if ye tell her.
I'm
not gonna. She can keep praying for a new wife for me for the rest of her days, far as I'm concerned. Are you going to tell her I'm living in sin, fornicating with a man?
She snorts, and even Dan can hear, "I will in me hole!"
I confirm to Dan that means she won't. Will when she's dead; same thing. "Cheers, Chelle. If you do come over the water, you're always welcome to stay again. Not that you'd be able to fit the family, best use the Travelodge down the road, I'll treat ya. When's the boy due?"
Another rant, boiling down to 'what do you care?' She's clearly at the right fed-up stage of pregnancy, just wanting to give birth already. Of course, I've never met my wee niece, so she does have a point that I'm a waste of good air as an uncle. Time to escape. "You look after yourself, Chelle."
"And you." There's a deep breath. "That man had better treat you right, or I'll set Diane's ghost on him."
"He will. He has. Cheers, Chelle."
I hang up, but that went better than expected.
I'm oddly touched.
She's the only other family member I speak to, given the various fights I got in with my cousins and uncles. Getting accused of airs and graces after I'd been at Cambridge was a pain, but when they suggested I'd become English, and of course all the English are gay - well, now, that's fighting talk. They say no Irish wedding is complete without a brawl, but I'm reliably informed the family have coped even since I stopped going home.
Dan looks at me, says nothing, just puts his arm on mine. Eventually he speaks.
"I should call my sister soon, too. Find out what she wants for her birthday."
"How old's she going to be? Jenny, right?"
"The big three-O. She's only eighteen months older than me. Normally I just stick a tenner in a card and go out clubbing with her, but now she's got herself a chap and it's a big one, so who knows?"
He tracks down his mobile from the other room. "A'right, our Jen? Grand, yeah."
I bet he didn't call anything 'grand' three months ago. I'm clearly a good influence.
"Your birthday coming up. You going out, or what? Yeah, could come up for the weekend, I suppose. Yeah... about that... Why, what's Max's mom been saying? 'Kind of me to let her move in?' Ha!"
I can't help laughing at that.
"Background? No comment! Seriously, I had to move out or I'd have killed that bloody Gemma... I don't know where Max's brain's gone... his trousers, you're right. No, not a houseshare..."
The clipped voice on the phone sounds like a military investigation. That's sisters for you.
Dan looks at me and I give the wee nod. He's clearly going to have to 'fess up.
"OK, wench! I'd been kinda seeing this guy what lives downstairs from me, so he suggested moving into his spare room... No, you're right, I've never slept in it..." Dan swaps ears and gives me a wry grin, as well as squeezing my hand. "Some months. His name's Adrian... He's Irish, from near Omagh... Yes, he's good-looking! He's right next to me! Oh, god..."
He rolls his eyes at me. "Jen wants 'a word'."
I take the phone he hands me. "Hello Jenny? You're our Dan's older sister? I've been hearing about you." My voice as deep and charming as I can manage of a morning.
"Well hello! Adrian, right? How did you meet our little brother, then?"
At least I've thought through this question enough times in my head. "My friend was persuading me to stop smoking and decided it was time for me to get back into online dating. Next thing I know, this guy who lives upstairs comes over, has a chat, he tells me his sister - you, right - is a stop-smoking advisor and how I need to change all my routines to stop myself being tempted by the fags, suggests going out for brunch the next day - turns out he wanted to escape that Gemma, but we got to hanging out more and more... So I guess I've got you to thank for getting us together!"
Compliments never go amiss.