Neil was not enjoying a very uncomfortable meal. Alex didn't seem to notice but that might be because he didn't want to. Alex's mother noticed; she was the cause of it. Every time Neil glanced at her she was watching him. She didn't actually glare at him but she was cold and Neil wanted to shout 'What!!!!'
There was only one reason he was here at all. He loved Alex, plain and simple. He loved him enough to sit through this torture.
Pushing his food around on the plate Neil tried not to lift his face from it.
"Alright; what the hell's going on?"
Neil jumped and looked up. Alex had put his knife and fork down and was glaring between Neil and his mother.
"What do you mean?" Mrs Cutler asked.
"You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Don't tell me there's nothing going on."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Do you want to tell me, Neil?" Neil glanced at Mrs Cutler but she turned her face away. He shook his head. Alex tutted, carefully folded his napkin and laid it on the table next to his plate. "Well, this is what I think's going on. I don't want to think it but it seems I have no choice. Neil, when you told me my mother hated you I laughed. I told you that you're in idiot and imagining things. Now, I think you were right. So, Mother, are you going to explain?"
"I don't hate you, Neil, of course I don't hate you. How could I hate you when you make my son so happy?"
"Bullshit. Look, I'm going to leave the room now and when I come back I want this sorted so I can finish my meal in peace."
Both of them watched him walk out of the room and close the door. There was silence.
"So... um... What, what have I done?"
For a moment Mrs Cutler glared at him, then she sighed and shook her head. "You haven't done anything, Neil. I don't have anything against you, I swear; and I am grateful you're making Alex so happy. He's not had an easy time of it these last few years; neither have I."
"So what...?"
"Has Alex told you?"
"Told me what?"
"That he's ill."
"What? No. I... What's wrong with him?" A hand wrapped itself around Neil's heart, at the look on Mrs Cutler's face, and squeezed hard.
"He has a rare form of narcolepsy. Do you know what that is?"
"Um... not really. It's when you keep falling asleep isn't it?"
"Kind of. I told you it was a rare form. He has... attacks. Sometime they come every week, sometimes not for years. When his father died it was bad, really bad. I thought I was going to lose him."
"L...lose him? Is it that bad? Why didn't he tell me?"
"It's not usually that bad. Usually, he just gets disoriented, detached. He goes to bed, falls asleep and wakes up a few hours later absolutely fine."
"But...?"
"Occasionally, he has really bad attacks. He falls asleep so deeply I can't wake him and it happens fast. I have to make sure he eats before he sleeps because sometimes his blood sugar plummets and he could go into a hypoglycaemic coma. It hasn't happened yet because I make sure he carries sugar pills. If he feels an attack coming on he takes one. The only time he forgets is if it's the sudden onset one. If he's at home I do it for him. If he's outside he has a bracelet that tells people what's wrong and asks them to call an ambulance. Once he gets to the hospital they give him glucose and he's usually absolute fine in a couple of hours."
"Usually?"
"About a week after his father died he had a bad attack, a really bad attack and he was asleep for days. They had to put him on a breathing machine because he was so deeply asleep he couldn't breathe for himself. After a couple of days he just woke up and he was fine. It's the way it is. As soon as he wakes up he's completely over it. On that occasion he was out of hospital and back to normal the next day.
"It's scary, Neil. He hasn't had a bad attack for almost a year but we've had gaps of a year or more before. Sooner or later it's going to happen again and it's scary. It's really hard to cope with."
"And you think that, as soon as he has an attack, I'll get scared and run."
"It's happened before."
"Not with me it hasn't."
"I don't think you understand."
"No, it's you who doesn't understand. I love Alex. I don't love him because he's fit and well but because he's sweet and lovely. I don't care what happens in the future and if he's sick I'll take care of him. You'd better get used to it Mrs Cutler; I'm not going anywhere." He was getting angry but Mrs Cutler nodded her head and reached out to lay her hand over his.
"I believe you, Neil," she said.
When Alex came back they were chatting amicably... about him.
"So... is it sorted? Have you fought it out?"
"No fighting required," Mrs Cutler said lightly. Neil just stared. It made Alex feel uncomfortable.
"What?"
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Alex turned blazing eyes on his mother. "Why did you?"
"He needed to know, Alex."
"Is that what it was all about? What, did you think Neil was going to leave like Jake did? Were you angry with him because you thought he'd run away as soon as things got hard? Neil's not Jake, Mum. I thought you'd have seen that."
"I have," she said softly.
"Neil loves me," Alex said even more softly. "He's not going to run away. I haven't had an attack for a year. Maybe it's gone: maybe not, but Neil's not going to run away from it... are you?" he asked less certainly.
Neil shook his head with a flash of anger. "What do you think? I though you knew me better than that."
"I did. I do."
"Then why didn't you tell me?"
"I..." he shrugged. "I don't know. I meant to but... I was waiting for the right time and there never was one."
Neil nodded and relaxed. "Can we eat our dinner now?" Alex grinned and they did.
With things between Neil and Mrs Cutler vastly improved Neil started to relax and enjoy being at their house more and more. They didn't spend any time at Neil's house because his father, whilst being generally okay with their relationship, was uncomfortable seeing them together, and his mother left the room whenever he and Alex were in it.
Neil was very embarrassed by this but what could he do? Alex said he understood and Neil truly believed that he did but it was still not an ideal situation. He found himself wondering what would happen with his parents if he and Alex got married at some point: then got shocked that he'd been thinking about marriage at all. He'd never in a million years thought he'd ever think of marrying anyone... but Alex wasn't just anyone and he knew full well he'd never find another like him - ever.
They were at Alex's house watching a movie. Mrs Cutler had ordered pizza and all three of them were sitting, tucked up on the sofa, waiting for the meal. Neil wasn't enjoying the film and he was pretty sure he wasn't going to enjoy the pizza; he was way too nervous. He'd decided that tonight was the night he was going to discuss, with Alex, something that had been on his mind for way too long. He had a little box in his pocket with two rings and he was mulling over what would be the best way of approaching the subject.
He had no intention of going down on one knee and proposing. He thought it might be better to broach the subject more carefully and, if Alex was open to the idea, he could either be formal or just suggest they wear commitment rings for a while until they'd really talked about taking the next step.
The rings were identical; simple silver bands twisted into never-ending Celtic knots. He'd had them engraved on the inside with the words 'together forever' and they were burning a hole in his pocket. He was jumpy and on edge, praying for Mrs Cutler to leave so he could get it over with.
"What's wrong with you?" Alex asked.
"What do you mean? There's nothing wrong with me."
"You're more antsy than an anthill."
"It's nothing, honest. I'm fine."
Alex gave him a look that said 'wait until I get you on your own' then put his arms around him, pulling him back against his chest to rest his cheek on the top of his head.
Neil was wrestling with his nerves to the point that he felt sick, when Alex got up. He wouldn't have though anything of it if it hadn't been for the fact that he got up as if Neil wasn't in his arms and leaning on him; which very nearly resulted in dumping him on the floor.
"Hey, watch it. I'm here you know and I break easily." Alex ignored him and headed for the door.
"Is everything alright, Alex?" Mrs Cutler asked, looking up. Alex ignored her too. "Alex?"
Alex didn't so much as glance over his shoulder as he walked out of the door. "Stay here," Mrs Cutler said anxiously to Neil, and followed. Of course, Neil didn't stay there but followed her instantly. Alex was heading up the stairs. "Alex, where you are you going?"
"Bed," he mumbled, his voice strange and distant, as if he was talking to himself and not someone else.
"Aren't you going to have some pizza first?"
"Bed," he repeated, not pausing.
"There are some glucose tablets in the drawer in kitchen." Mrs Cutler hissed, following Alex up the stairs. "Get them as fast as you can."
Neil ran.
When he got to the bedroom Alex was sitting on the bed trying to lie down, but Mrs Cutler wasn't letting him. She was struggling to keep him upright.
"Just a few minutes, baby. You need to eat. You haven't eaten today and you really, really need to get something in you before you go to sleep."
Without thinking, Neil leaped onto the bed, kneeling behind Alex so he could prop him upright. Mrs Cutler smiled up at him gratefully. Neil handed her the tube of glucose tablets and she quickly opened them.
