At the three month mark, life settled into an odd sense of normal. The chemo was killing the tumors in Val's bones, but the treatment was also destroying the man I loved. Val had lost nearly thirty pounds, becoming severely anemic. But he was still alive, and he was mine.
His blonde hair was thinner. So, one morning, I talked him into allowing me to shave his luscious locks down to a fine stubble. "I can do it here in bed, you can just lay back, relax."
"No," Val said as he sat up. "I don't want you to have to wash everything." He easily got into his wheelchair, a basic manual model, wheeling himself to the bathroom.
I followed close behind, watching as he ran his fingers through his hair while facing the bathroom mirror. "Are you saying goodbye?"
"Funny." Val grabbed an electric razor, handing it to me over his shoulder. "Don't shave it all the way."
I set the guard, to leave behind a few millimeters of hair. Turning it on, I took a moment to feel the vibrations. And then I took a long, slow stroke from the nape of his neck, upward. "Say when."
"Oh, trust me, I will."
I made a few more strokes, to balance out the length. The process took only a few minutes. His blonde locks fell like autumn leaves. The final result was a soft, notably lighter shade of blond. "I think we're done."
"Yeah," Val said with a nod, "I agree. It looks good."
I ran my fingers over what remained of his hair. The length created a texture similar to velvet. I stroked his scalp with deeper pressure, massaging the warm skin. "It feels like petting a cat."
"Really?" Val laughed. He started to purr, playfully nuzzling his lips to my neck.
His facial hair was rough stubble, that tickled my skin.
"What about this?" Val kissed my neck, sucking long and hard. He wanted to mark his territory.
But his lips felt so good, I didn't care. "Come on, Val, I need to get you cleaned up."
"Then clean me off." There was no denying it, he knew I was hard, I could have climaxed from his mouth alone. Val guided my hand to his hip muscle, down his abs, showing me just how ready he was.
"Val, please." I could feel his tongue glide along my collarbone. "I'll get you later, I promise."
I wanted nothing more than to make love to Val. In the past weeks, we'd fucked on every possible surface, from the kitchen to the roof. But I had my favorites; the large walk-in bathtub, and of course, in the bed we shared. Both were in my line of sight, tempting me like chocolate pudding on a pizza buffet.
But we had plans for the day. Apparently, God knew I needed a reminder because just then Kat knocked on the door. "Jack, you in there? We have to get to the appointment and I know you suck at navigating wine country traffic."
"Like you'd ever let me drive your car."
"Not the point!"
"I know you want to leave before your mom gets here, but I need to get Val cleaned up and start a line of morphine."
"Ug, fine!" Kat barged through the door. Even in her second trimester, she was still as physically fit as an Olympic athlete. So, my model girlfriend enjoyed walking around with a comically exaggerated stride as if she was truly as big as a house. Kat had taken to wearing baggy sweats, in colorful neon colors, looking like a fashion icon from a bygone era.
"The 1980s called, they want their clothes back," I muttered.
She kissed my cheek, and then my lips. "I will be waiting in the living room with my keys in my hand." She, of course, patted Val's head, stroking the soft velvet. "You look good, Daddy."
Val leaned against her hand, encouraging her to continue petting him. "That means a lot coming from a professional Instagram influencer."
"I love you too, Daddy. We'll see you this afternoon." She motioned to her stomach as if asking the unborn baby to wave goodbye.
I got Val into the bathtub and removed his robe. His slender body looked as beautiful as ever. I picked up a sponge and gently washed his face, down his neck, to his chest being careful of his chemo port. "Do you think Kat will become any less crazy when the baby's born? Or is it genetic?"
"My sweet Katie has her mother's wild streak." Val leaned into my touch, resting his head on my shoulder. "Do you think Julia will visit today?"
"Yeah, she'll be visiting." I had answered the question before, but Chemo brain had taken a toll on his memory.
"I think she got back from Reno last night," I said as I continued to bathe him with the warm, soapy water. "She called the house and told me she really wanted to see you." Hence why Kat's appointment was today. I knew Val was in a lot of pain. And Julia made him happy.
"Thank you." During his time with his ex-wife, Val had become a very spiritual individual, with a vast knowledge of world religion and prayer. He seemed to cobble together a faith all his own, from aspects of Christianity and Buddism. The idea of forgiveness, and compassion leading to an eternity of hope and truth. Val had long ago forgiven Julia for abandoning their family. He truly loved her. And that was ok.
"Do you remember the last time you saw her?"
Val nodded. "We talked on webcam on..." His voice drifted momentarily and his eyes seemed lost. "We talked a while ago. Julia said she wants to take me to San Francisco, to see some holistic healer friend. The guy runs a spa specializing in the use of crystal and chakra or whatever."
"It should be nice," I said forcing enthusiasm. "I mean you do practice with crystals. I thought that was kind of your thing." I knew Val meditated in a room surrounded by quartz crystals. The way the sun cut through the angles, painted the walls with rainbows. I took it upon myself to learn a little about pressure points in relation to acupuncture and massage. But what Julia and her various vegan, holistic, organic day trips were actually helping with his pain.
"I guess. I just," Val's voice faded out abruptly. "Nothing. You have to go with Kat today."
"I can stay if you want."
"She won't go to her appointment without you."
"That's true," I replied. He was right, but I heard the sadness in his voice.
"Will you pray with me, before you go?"
"Pray?"
Val nodded, his movements weak. "Just in case."
"You mean, in case you die." I paused for a moment, cupping his hand in mine. I didn't even know how to pray. "Dear God, please head my words and keep my ..." What was Val to me? My lover, boyfriend? We shared a bed, and at night I would often find myself holding him. The idea that there would come a time when he wasn't there. Val was my heart, my hero. "Keep my friend in comfort and good health. Give him the strength to endure another day. In your name, I pray, amen."
Val nodded in approval. "Thank you."
I helped Val get dressed, in a pair of clean blue sweatpants. I was about to hand him a shirt but he refused.
"It's too warm in here." Val yawned.
I hooked up a dosage of morphine to his IV port. "Just try to get some sleep, Julia will be here soon."
"I hope I'll be awake for the live stream."
"Live stream?" I wasn't sure if those were the actual words I heard, but Val was already asleep. Oh well.
I went out to meet Kat. "Ready to go?"
Kat insisted on driving since she knew all the short cuts to avoiding the wine county casino tours. So while she was focused on the road I pulled up Julia Conner's Instagram. There was a picture of Julia with one finger to her lip a d the other throwing a peace sign. That was not a peace sign, that was a letter Y. "Does your mother have a youtube channel?"
"I don't think so."
"Where would she be going live?" I asked, not realizing the severity of the question.
Kat slammed on the breaks. "You think she's doing a live stream with my dad?"
"Maybe?" I asked with a squeak. "I think I heard him say something."
Kat took a slow, meditative breath. "If she's going live she will have posted ads on her Facebook account. You do research, I'll drive and we can discuss it when we get to the clinic."
I did as she suggested, making my way to Julia's Facebook page. "Yup, here it is." The images used for the ad were at least a decade old. Val looked his age; mid-forties, with distinguished wrinkles around his hypnotic gaze. Val's eyes told a story; his signature pose was tall strong, with a tilted chin and narrow gaze. It was like he was always searching for the next battle.
When Kat pulled into the parking lot, I offered her my phone. "I think I found something."
"You can show me in the waiting room," Kat said as she walked faster. "If I look now I might be tempted to drive back and kick her ass."
This was an important appointment, we were going to see the actual gender of the baby, and also make sure it still had a heartbeat.
We arrived early, but the doctor was able to see Kat right away. The ad would have to wait. "Let's do this!" Kat said quickly, getting undressed the for the ultrasound. The
Thankfully it was alive and well. I wanted so badly to meet my baby. But Kat still seemed indifferent.
She was happy she was still pregnant and excepted a print out of the ultrasound. Kat then proceeded to get dressed and schedule her next appointment as we were walking out the door.
As we walked out the door, Kat reached for my phone. "Let me see that ad." She looked at the ad for the live stream, strumming her fingers on the screen.
"Do you want to watch it, here in the parking lot? We're close enough to the hospital wi-fi."
"No, I want to crash the party." Kat got in the car and turned up the radio to a Christian rock station.
I put in my headphones and listened to the stream. Val talked about how he kept up with Julia's podcasts, he knew about all her adventures in Asia, Africa, and her settling in South America. It was kind of endearing.
I waited for Kat to park the car, to see what exactly was her plan of attack. She placed a finger to her lip, looking remarkably like her mother. "We're going to the garden entrance."
We quietly slipped in, to find Julia's filming set up. There were lights set up, but there was no crew, no director. It was just Julia and Val talking to however many fans were tuned in.
I could see Val was on dialysis, sitting in his recliner. He wore no shirt and just the sweatpants he had been sleeping in. For a moment I assumed they were not on camera, just answering questions into a microphone. But then what were the lights for?
I felt a burning in my chest. The bitch was parading Val on camera like some kind of freak show!
But he was smiling.
Julia was by his side, holding his hand as they answered questions from a live chat feed. "The next question is for you, Val." Julia was comically flirtatious, with her long legs laying over his lap. "Where's one place you always wanted to visit?"
Val pursed his lips. "Are we talking about a place I've never been to before? Or a place I'd want to back to?"
"How about both."
After a moment of deep thought, Val decided to talk about their time in Japan. At the height of his fame, they'd visited the countryside, backpacking like the typical nature loving-tourists. "I always hated having to go into the city for movie premieres."
Julia laughed. "I think you just hated going to movie premieres."
