Secret Longings of a Married Man

If you are gay, you might know this about me if our eyes met in a crowd, just from looking at me, you might know. At first glance I'm a straight married guy, I know I wear that. But, if you look beyond the label, I'm also sensitive, smart, pretty, and complicated.

I've always known I was Bi, through all of my 60 years I've fantasized about what it is like to be the woman in a sex scene as much as I've fantasized about being the man in one.

In my real life I'm a big, strong, athletic, well educated guy who is expected to play the male sex role, to take the lead, to do the initiating, to be the one doing the penetrating. I'm pretty good at it too, I'm considerate, oral, gentle, and willing to take my time. And I like women, I'm more attracted to them than men... usually. I'm a father, a husband, the head of a family. I'm very masculine.

And I'm bisexual, if you must label this type of thing. Labels are sometimes counter-productive, don't you think? The fact is, I live a quiet life of longing. I want to be seduced by a man, to have him want me, to have him need to be inside me. I think about it everyday, but it's like playing Russian Roulette out there now: between diseases, random violence, the fear getting discovered and hurting my family...

I'm left to mostly wonder what it would be like to have a male lover. This isn't about my wife, whom I love, it's about the way I'm wired, it useless to fight it. I just want to be with a man every now and then. I always have and I came to terms with my secret many years ago.

In the old days, I'd go to adult book stores, find a glory hole, and suck a few cocks until the itch was scratched, probably every couple of months the urge would come and there I'd be, peering through a hole in a booth, crooking my finger and inviting something delicious through the hole for me to suck. In my mind then, I was the woman playing on the booth's screen, pleasing the hot cock in my mouth until it came down my throat.

One time a beautiful bearded gay man met my face at the gloryhole and we kissed until I was weak in the knees, then I blew him, actually we sensuously traded blow jobs, and I left with my heart fluttering. He met me outside the booth and said "Thank you" with such a look of loving gratitude that here, about 30 years later, I still wish I'd had the balls to invite him for a drink so we could get to know each other. It was so much more personal to be with a "Lover" -no matter how briefly- than with an anonymous dick. I've never felt like that after I've been with a woman. Never weak in the knees, never breathless.

Another time I got up the guts to meet a man in his hotel for a drink. He was tall and in shape, just back from a run, and he bought me a drink in the hotel bar. I'd answered his Craigslist ad and knew what he was looking for. I brushed his cock through his pants as we shared our drinks and he kissed me in the elevator. I melted and as soon as we were in his room I was down on my knees, sucking his nicely curved dick like a cheerleader. To this day, if I need to cum, all I have to think about is that feeling I had come over me as I dropped to my knees and pulled down his pants. That feeling of submission, of doing something so erotic and naughty was a feeling that I've never forgotten, I felt like all of my longings were coming true and my secret needs and desires were being fulfilled. It was, in many ways, the opposite of getting ready to make love to a woman and in many ways, at least for me, more fulfilling.

Before I knew it he had me on my back on the bed, his cock sliding into my ass after he lubed it and there I was, no longer a virgin. He wasn't very experienced at fucking a man and his cock kept sliding out, I liked the full feeling when he was in me, but I never really experienced the complete surrender I wanted. I happily finished him with my mouth, letting him cum on my tits, his preference.

Lately; I've been thinking about wearing a pair of lacy panties to Club Orlando, our local bath house, over a lunch hour and seeing what happens. I haven't; because I'm partly afraid of the rejection: even though I'm in shape and still kind of pretty, I'm still older and it might ruin the fantasy if no one wanted me.

Then there's the whole living a lie thing... I'm sort of doing that either way.

But, I have a spectacular ass from riding a road bike 150 miles a week, I think I'd make those panties look pretty damn good. I'd love to have a gorgeous gay man follow me back to my room and do me right, licking my cock through my panties and then lovingly getting my ass ready for him after I get him nice and hard. I want the full experience to know what two fully participating men can share together sexually, to kiss, to suck, to be filled and then to turn him over, fuck him hard and cum like the bull I can also be. No glory hole between us, no "I'm curious and not sure about this," and no buried straight macho bullshit. No, just a loving time spent with another man who knows what he wants too.

I'm feeling like I'm in heat lately that's why I'm telling you this story today. Maybe I'll have some new experiences to share with you soon.