It was my freshman year in college. While I had a scholarship that paid most of my school expenses, if I wanted to have a social life or even a Big Mac, I had to get a job. As in any other college town, good jobs are hard to come by, so I took what I could get. In this case, I worked with the maintenance department at the local mall.
One week, the mall had this arts and crafts promotion. Numerous vendors set up kiosks all about the center portion of the mall. One of the vendors was this guy named Mark who made little glass figurines out of Pyrex with a blowtorch. I found myself interested not only in the artwork, but also the fact that the guy told me that he was pulling down good money.
Like anyone who enjoys his craft, Mark was more than happy to tell me about the business. After all, like he said, his permanent shop was about 1000 miles away, and it was not like I was going to be competing with him. During my breaks that week, Mark and I talked about the business and just stuff in general. Mark was about twice my age, but he and I hit it off pretty well.
I even went there on Friday, my day off. Heck, I was 18 and malls were filled with girls, so where else was I going to be? Mark was making a large sailboat.
"Hey Barry, I thought you had the day off?" he said with a smile. "Can't get enough of the place or what?"
"Shit," I answered, "Other than class, where else is there to go on Friday afternoon?"
"Yeah, but if I recall my younger days correctly," he said, as he put the finishing touches on a mast of the ship. "Friday nights are hopping for a kid your age."
"Oh, I'll probably hit some parties and a couple of clubs. Who knows, I might get lucky."
"You're a good looking kid. You have to be a hit with the ladies," Mark offered. He sat his tools down and took a break. "I gotta have a smoke. Want to keep me company in smokers' hell?"
Back then; I smoked too, so I joined him. At this mall, smokers have a little area with concrete benches. Mark and I were the only ones out there, since it was a little brisk outside that day. Mark and I sat on a bench that allowed us a view of people going in and out of one of the anchor stores.
Neither of us had said much as we smoked, except for commenting on the chill in the air, for several minutes. In fact, I had finished my smoke when Mark said, "Listen, I hope you don't take this wrong, Barry, but I would like to ask you something." As he spoke, he was looking over at me; his eyes squinted a bit at the wind that was swirling in the smokers' hell.
I just shrugged and replied, "I don't get offend too easily. So shoot." After a pause, as I recall, it was like he was bracing himself in case I did get pissed. While he was older than I, I had a good six inches in height on the guy. Mark was in good shape for a thirty something, but I was built pretty well. Mark was a slender guy, though by no means frail. He just wasn't someone who would intimidate anyone.
"Have you ever been with a man?" Mark asked. He looked at me with a look that was dead serious; otherwise, I probably would have thought he was joking. It took me a couple of moments to let the question simmer in my mind. I suppose to break the tension, Mark added, "It's okay either way. It's just that I'm bi, and I thought—"
"No, sorry man," I interjected. "I don't have a problem with gays or anything. It's just never been my thing." At that point, I really did not know what to do. I was cold, and until Mark had popped the question so to speak, I had wanted to go inside. Now, if I did that, he might take it that I was pissed. It's funny how things like that sometimes work out.
"Hey, I was just asking. Please don't feel like you have to apologize," Mark said, lighting another cigarette. "I just find you attractive and thought it was worth a shot. It's me who should be sorry for making you uncomfortable."
Lighting a second cig of my own, I replied, "Don't worry about it. I still think you're cool, dude." Perhaps, it was that which broke the tension, but we both started laughing.
"Fuck! It's cold out here, isn't it?" Mark said. It was an opportunity to change the subject, and after our smokes, we headed inside. On the way in, Mark handed me a card. "Listen, if you change your mind, my motel and room number are on the back of the card. If all you want is to drop by for a beer and a little weed, that's fine. I would enjoy having someone to talk to."
I took the card and shoved it in a pocket. I left the mall after a few uncomfortable minutes hanging around Mark's kiosk. On the way out, I started to toss the card, but something made me keep it. I suppose the conversation had made me a little curious. Maybe it's just that, even as young as I was, I had learned to keep as many options open as possible, no matter how remote.
*****
By eleven o'clock that night, it was obvious that Friday night was going nowhere. It seemed like everyone was paired up, except a few of us unlucky males. Lots of times, I have no problem with that. Hanging with my buds can be loads of fun, but I found myself thinking of the card that was still in my jacket pocket. My hand kept grasping it whenever I shoved my hands in my pockets.
What the hell, I figured. I go by Mark's motel room and see what happens. At least, if nothing else, I can get a good buzz and go home. As I drove to the little motel along the freeway, I felt myself getting more and more anxious. I saw the red and yellow neon sign at the hotel and pulled up in front of Mark's room on the first floor. I parked right next to his car. I had helped him unload a few things at the mall, so I knew which one was his. I still remember the butterflies. It was a feeling like I would get before I found out the score of a test I just had to pass but had no idea if I did.
I paused at that motel room door. Room 117. I still recall the numbers, and I suppose I always will. I raised my hand to knock, then stopped. What if he's already asleep, I thought. I listened closely and could hear the TV. What if he is with someone? That would suck royally.
Finally, I knocked. Once you do a thing, I have been told, you can never go back. The bell is rung. I stood like an idiot, almost at attention, waiting for the door to open.
Just when I thought Mark might have walked over to a diner for a bite to eat, I saw the light at the peephole in the door darken. The door opened. The bell rang.
"Hey Barry!" Mark said grinning. He stood there looking up at me. Mark was dressed only in a pair of loose, blue gym shorts. "I was just having a beer and watching a movie."
From the TV, I could hear the unmistakable sounds of one of those softcore porn movies they offer at motels. I was a little relieved to hear the moans of a woman. I don't know that I would have been able to watch softcore gay porn.
"Well, it's cold out there. Come on in here." Mark was visibly excited. His smile was wide and inviting. As I entered, I looked him over. He had a nice tan and his chest had more definition than I had thought. Apparently, I thought, old Mark works out a bit.
Mark offered me a beer, which I gladly accepted. He lit a joint he had already rolled and passed it to me. I took a long, deep toke. If I was going to do anything this night, I was going to need the fortitude.