Quetzalcoatl

*****

Part 2 of 2

****

When I wake up my first instinct is to try and remember my past life. Part of me hopes it all meant nothing and I just forgot my past because I was dreaming.

Sadly, I still can't remember anything. In my mind, I am only Eros, a citizen of Quetzalcoatl. There was nothing before that.

Foxie makes a small noise in his sleep and moves in my arms.

I wonder...is it the same for him? Have all our memories been wiped? Nobody ever talks about their lives before Quetzalcoatl and I've never felt the need to press them on the matter. With the benefit of hindsight it seems like such a big, obvious missing piece.

At breakfast I feel compelled to ask my partner about it.

"What was your life like before Quetzalcoatl?"

He raises his eyebrows.

"What brought this on?"

"I don't know, it's just something I'm curious about."

"I haven't talked about my old life in years. I was a boy named Payton living in Montana. I was about to go to culinary school when I was tracked down and invited here on my 18th birthday. I don't think about that time much anymore. Why would I?"

"Yeah, I guess there isn't much reason to."

"Is something wrong, Daddy?"

"I can't say everything's fine, but this is something I have to deal with alone. It's nothing you should worry about."

"How could I not worry about my Daddy?"

I look at this sweet, kind young man who has been nothing but a blessing to me.

"The best thing you can do is just keep being Foxie. You're enough. You'll always be enough."

I see his eyes get misty.

"I love you so much, Daddy."

"I love you, too." I hold out my arms and he gets in my lap to hug me with his arms and legs. He sniffles into the crook of my neck.

"I just want you to be happy."

"I know."

Things are quiet as I get ready for work. I make sure to give Foxie a tender, affectionate kiss before I leave, a lot on my mind. My memories from yesterday lead me to keeping the morph suit without a hologram. The shiny latex appearance is like a callback to the days before everything got so complicated.

While walking through town on the way to work I see one of our musicians, a young woman named Siren, playing a bass guitar and singing. Many of our artists like performing out in public, giving back in a small way.

If anyone deserves to be named after the creatures with voices so beautiful men would sail to their deaths just to hear more, it's her. Siren's voice is a clear, strong mezzo-soprano, contrasting well with the warm, deep bass. I've spent hours in the past listening to her sing, lost in this world she creates.

Once she finishes her song I clap. She chuckles.

"Hey, Eros. How's it going?"

"This past week has been...eventful. I have a lot on my plate right now."

"Well, I wish you luck. Do you have to go to work soon?"

I look at a nearby clock. I'm late, but only slightly.

"I have enough time for one more song."

Siren complies and sings some more. It's so relaxing. I'm calm and tranquil, which makes what happens next all the more startling.

I literally blink, close my eyes for a fraction of a second, and within that instant, the Darkness is standing right behind Siren, its head looking over her shoulder.

I scream and stumble back, falling to the ground. Siren of course is just as shocked by my reaction and sort of yelps. She must have noticed I was surprised by something behind her because she whips around and faces the creature. I can tell she can't see it, though. She looks right through it.

The Darkness laughs, a harsh evil cackle, before it starts running towards me. All I can do is scramble to my feet and run away as fast as I can.

The cold seems to soak into my bones. I feel like I'm sprinting through a blizzard. I see so many confused, concerned faces pass by, wondering what I'm doing, but all I care about is that demon's grinning face, always close behind when I look over my shoulder.

The amount of power the Darkness has over my emotions is horrifying. I can't think about anything else, the only thing that matters is getting as far away as possible. I push myself further, running at what feels like well beyond my top speed to escape. We're out of the main town area, back in a park. There's a moment when I'm looking behind me that I trip over something and fall down spectacularly, rolling several times and skidding to a stop.

At that moment I know it's over. It's going to catch me.

I wait for the end, tears in my eyes.

And wait.

And wait.

After a solid minute I start to wonder what's happening. Where did it go? It's difficult to believe it lost sight of me.

More time passes and nothing happens. I don't dare to move or make a sound. I try to stifle my breathing and let my tears fall silently.

The next few minutes feel like they take days. My fear is overpowering and I'm petrified. It takes a long time for me to be in any state where I can think clearly. I don't even know how long it is before I gather enough courage to get to my feet.

I look around and the coast is clear. I don't have any injuries. I might have a couple bruises, but the morph suit did a lot to protect me.

At this point I just want to go home and hide, but I remember where I was supposed to be going originally. I can't ignore my duties.

I walk to the building I work at, taking a different path so I don't pass where Siren was. I don't want her to see me. I don't want anyone to see me.

Finally I get to the door and have to mentally prepare myself for what's coming. I've never been this late before.

I walk inside and hear Sapphro's voice immediately.

"There you are! What the hell is the matter with you?!"

I hang my head in shame.

"I'm so sorry."

She approaches and I hear her anger turn into concern.

"Eros, are you okay? What happened?"

What can I possibly tell her?

"I...I can't answer that." I feel myself start crying again.

I fall to my knees, sobbing. After a minute I feel her hand on my head. In a way she's trying to comfort me.

"Eros, I've never seen you like this before. I don't know what to do."

It's like a cruel joke. I'm surrounded by amazing people who want to help me, but they can't do anything. I feel so alone.

It only wants to hurt you. That's all it has ever been after.

I can't let it affect me so deeply. That's what it wants.

I wipe my tears away and shakily get to my feet. I force a smile.

"I need to get work started."

Sapphro gets that annoyed look she had when I first walked in the room.

"No, you need to calm the fuck down. You're freaking out."

"I'll be fine. I'll feel better when I start working."

"Shut your mouth. Get on the couch in the green room

right now.

" There's a surprising amount of force in her voice.

I timidly walk to the room clients wait in before appointments and sit on the couch. I'm looking down at the floor when I hear her voice.

"Just stay there until you can look at me without making me worried sick."

"I...yes."

"Do you want me to stay here or do you want me to leave?"

I raise my head to look at her.

"Um...I think I'd rather be alone right now, if it's all the same to you," I say meekly

"That's fine."

She walks away and I collapse, rolling up into a fetal position.

Am I really this weak? Can I be shattered so easily? I shouldn't let it affect me so much. The more I fear the Darkness the more power it has over me. This can't go on.

It takes about an hour for me to calm down, though it's more accurate to say I simply run out of the energy required to stay so stressed. There's no sense or relief when it's over, I just feel numb.

I walk back to Sapphro.

"I'm done freaking out. I'm sorry I made you worry."

She sighs.

"I know you're sorry, Eros."

I don't want things to stay like this. I want things to go back to the way they were yesterday.

"Did I miss any sessions?"

"Luckily no, this morning you were just scheduled for filming, but now things are going to be delayed."

She takes out her tablet and fiddles with something on it.

"I think we can catch up if you stay late today or come in early tomorrow."

"I'll come in as early as you need me tomorrow. I've wasted enough of your time today already."

"Fine."

I can tell it isn't fine.

"What can I do to make this up to you?"

"I don't really feel comfortable asking you for favors after watching you have a meltdown."

"No, it's okay, really. Let me show you how sorry I am. I don't ever want this to happen again. Please?"

"Well...if you insist, I'll have to think about it. Maybe I'll come up with something by the end of the day."

"That's more than fine. Who's first on the schedule? I want to do some loving."

She taps her tablet a few more times.

"You have a threesome in five minutes. Emily and Victor."

Two of our authors. They got married a month ago.

"Yes ma'am."

*****

Though this morning's events still weigh heavy on my mind, I do my best to put it aside for the time being and put my all into work. Sapphro was right to stop me from working while still in active panic, but I'm glad I didn't just go home. Making love really helps me to stop feeling so sad and alone, at least for the moment.

At the end of my shift I return to Sapphro. I finally see a hint of that little smirk I hadn't seen from her all day.

"Have you thought of a favor?"

"Well, it would be more accurate to call it a punishment. I understand you're sorry, but you still got me really worried and created some extra work for both of us. I have an idea, though."

She grabs the morph suit and tosses it to me.

"Put this on and set it to outfit 37. I looked up the options for this model and if that outfit is like the pictures it will be perfect for what I have in mind."

While I get dressed I try to remember what outfit 37 was. I definitely have my favorites, but I like having a variety and wear most of the options at least occasionally. 37 must be something I don't pick very often.

Slightly nervous, I look in a nearby mirror and say "Morph suit, outfit 37."

It shimmers and I know immediately why I wouldn't use this one much.

Outfit 37 is this strange sort of one piece, cut and shaped very provocatively. My arms are covered, but my shoulders are exposed, it barely goes down past my butt, and there's a diamond-shaped hole in the back that almost goes down to my ass crack. If that wasn't enough the whole thing is tiger print. It looks like kinky lingerie, tight and revealing, paired with what can barely be defined as shoes. Black silk covers the bottoms of my feet and my toes and nothing else.

I'm sure this would be quite sexy on someone else, but it's clearly designed to enhance a much more feminine body shape than mine. I can only assume I saw this once when looking at the whole roster way back in the beginning and never touched it again.

Sapphro is laughing her head off, snorting and grabbing her stomach. I feel my cheeks turn red.

"Fuck, it's perfect!" She has to compose herself and wipe away a few tears before she can speak again.

"For your punishment you have to wear that for three days. And take a long walk around town each evening. Strut your stuff."

"Really? I feel...silly."

"I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to, but you did offer me a favor. Should I think of something else?"

I remember how concerned she was this morning. If this will make things up to her, I shouldn't complain.

"No, I'll do it."

"Okay then. Shit, I thought that gladiator costume was too much. This is hilarious."

I bend over and try to arch my back like how Foxie does.

"Am I sexy?"

"Oh, big time. You look like the baddest bitch on the block!"

Both of us are laughing now.

"Um, Sapphro, is it okay if I skip the walk today? I promise I'll do it tomorrow and the day after."

"Yeah, I guess that's fine. You posing and modeling like this is more than enough for today. Shit, it's been a while since I laughed so hard."

"Glad to be of assistance."

Before I leave I make sure to thank Sapphro for her help this morning.

"I know you don't think you did much, but I needed some tough love. I'm lucky to have you as a friend."

"Well...thanks."

I give her a quick little kiss.

"I love you, Sapphro."

She laughs some more.

"Wow, so touchy already. A striped leotard changes a man."

"Yeah, and I have you to thank. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning, in uniform."

"I'm looking forward to it."

I give her one more smile before I make my leave.

*****

To my slight embarrassment Foxie is not alone at our house when I get back, Andersen is with him. The two boys are naked on the couch playing video games, but my outfit grabs their attention immediately. They both giggle.

"Wow, Daddy," Foxie says. "You look adorable!"

I blush again and try to laugh it off.

"Thanks, I guess that means a lot coming from you. If anyone in Quetzalcoatl knows what's cute, it's my Foxie."

He comes over and gives me a hug and kiss, Andersen right behind him to do the same. I cup our guest's face in my hands.

"It's nice to see you again. I didn't know we would have company today."

"He just got finished with a big project and I invited him over so we could celebrate," Foxie explains.

"Sounds like fun."

"And it will be, but as nice as the tiger suit is, I think you're a little overdressed."

"Yeah, you're right."

I strip nude, which ironically makes me feel more comfortable and less exposed. I sit down between the two cute young men on the couch and put my arms around them, ruffling their hair with my hands.

"Foxie, got dinner planned?"

"Yes, Daddy. I want to try making Chicago-style deep dish pizza."

"I'm sure it'll be great. But I see two tasty little morsels right here, and I'm getting hungry."

The boys look at each other and giggle like before.

"Let's get started then," Andersen says.

*****

It's the next evening and I'm at Agape's house. I want to talk to her about something, but she's in a meeting. After a few minutes Kierkegaard approaches and asks if he can help me instead.

I'm not sure what Kierkegaard's job title is, everyone just sort of sees him as Agape's right-hand man. He's good at it, too. He has a similar calming energy to Agape, but his demeanor is a lot more reserved than his wife's.

"I was wondering if the information about our citizens' lives before moving to Quetzalcoatl are archived anywhere." I casually (I hope) asked Sapphro about her days before moving here while we were working in the wee hours of the morning. Like Foxie, she remembers her past life just fine, she just doesn't think about it often. I may be the only one in Quetzalcoatl with amnesia.

He cocks an eyebrow.

"Yes, but it's hardly your place to be doing that kind of research, Eros. It's a breach of privacy." Kierkegaard must have thought I was looking up information on other people.

"No, I'm just looking for my own files."

He makes a confused look that reminds me of the one Agape gave me the other day.

"I suppose It's well within your rights to ask for your own information, but why? You know who you are."

"Well, I forgot something and just wanted to double-check." That's as close to the truth as I want to admit. I hate lying, but this is something I need to do.

He goes to a computer and pulls up some records. Kierkegaard types in my name and the search comes up empty. No matches.

"Hm?"

He looks through the Es manually and the list doesn't include my name right where it would be in the alphabetical order.

"Odd." If Kierkegaard is just acting confused he's doing a great job.

"I don't know what the problem is here. Let me try something else."

He pulls up the list of arrivals in chronological order and my name is indeed at the bottom of the list, with only Wallace's name after. He clicks on my name and I can see all my current data: height, age, home location, occupation. Kierkegaard clicks on "past information" and is met with a page that says "Record not found."

He sighs in frustration.

"I don't understand. I've lived here for so many years and not one time has this archive system failed me."

Kierkegaard turns to face me again.

"I wish I had a better answer for you, but it appears your file must have been deleted at some point. It had to have been an accident, I know all the people who have access and none of them would ever pull something like this."

I believe him. He's a kind, honest man we all depend on. But I am more worried than I was a few minutes ago.

"It's okay. I'm not mad at you, Kierkegaard."

It seems I'm between a rock and a hard place. I want to know about my past life, but I can't ask about things like who retrieves recruits or how new citizens are selected without making it clear I had forgotten much more than I'm letting on.

"Was there anything else you wanted to know?"

"No, that was it. Have a good night."

"I apologize again, Eros."

I give the man a hug.

"I appreciate that."

Once I leave I begin my walk home, taking a much more roundabout route than I normally would in order to fulfill my promise to Sapphro. By now I can forget I'm wearing outfit 37. It's still not something I would gravitate towards, but I've gotten used to it. It is sexy, just not in the way most of my favorites are.

"Good evening."

I look over and see Wallace.

"Hello."

"I must admit, I wasn't expecting to see a jungle cat today," he teases.

"That's your own fault for not being prepared. Now you've run into me while I'm out on the prowl." I bend my knees like I'm ready to pounce.

"Truly fearsome."

We both laugh.

"What are you up to, Eros?"

"Just taking a walk. Want to join me?"

"Of course."

While walking I look at his body. His semi formal attire is resting on his form in a way slightly different than I remember it doing before. He also seems to have a little more confidence in the way he carries himself.

"Your supplements kicked in?"

Wallace chuckles.

"It's remarkable how you can tell just from sight. Yes, they have. It's miraculous."

"I'm going to have to conduct a thorough inspection soon. Make sure everything is up to snuff."

"Are you propositioning me?"

"I'll beg if you'd prefer."

"My, the tiger is relentless in pursuit of his prey. Don't I need to schedule something with you in advance?"

"Yeah, I suppose you wouldn't know the process. You're still new here."

Then a light bulb goes off in my head. With him being new, I could have an excuse to talk to him about recruitment if I play my cards right. I'm pretty confident I can trust him, but my pride is resistant to even telling Foxie or Sapphro about my amnesia.

"You know what? There's a lot to learn about our customs. I just had to figure it out as I went along, but it would have been so much quicker if someone told it all to me at the beginning. Let me be your guide."

Wallace gives me a skeptical look.

"I think you have something else in mind."

My blood turns to ice. I feel like I just got grabbed by the Darkness.

His eyes widen.

"Whoa, calm down. I'm not being hostile. It's not really my business, I would just prefer some transparency."

Fuck. Maybe the Darkness is on to something. I feel like a scumbag.

"There are some things I want to ask about and I thought you would help me. I'm sorry for lying."

He puts his hands on my shoulders.

"Remember what I said about instincts? My intuition tells me that being your friend is an endeavor worth pursuing. A nice long chat with you would be lovely. When are you free?"

"Um...tomorrow night?"

"It's a deal. I just finished furnishing my house, you can meet me there."

"Okay. I will."

We walk some more and the energy is still a little awkward.

"I like to think of myself as an honest person. There's just some things I'd prefer to keep private. You're right about the transparency, though. I should respect my friends enough to be honest and let them know when I need to keep my cards close to my chest."