Pup

We spent the day together in Gavin's apartment.

Charlie didn't say much, just laughed at Gavin's jokes and banter with Mal. George was more interested, surprisingly, in talking to me about books. All the while Gavin had me cradled against his chest, and I felt his deep voice rumbling every time he spoke.

"Shut the fuck up Mal, you got shitfaced drunk and said you were in love with Charlie. I can hold my liquor better than you." Gavin and Mal were going back and forth about a story when they went to a bar, where apparently they both did horribly embarrassing things they were happily bringing up to each other. I found it funny the way they interacted like brothers now that Mal was no longer trying to be provocative, and treasured every story of what Gavin's life was like when he was away.

"So why aren't you working at the bookstore?" George asked, leaning over the back of the chair to look at me, seemingly unfazed by the fact that Gavin refused to let me go- wrapping an arm around my waist and keeping me still everytime I tried to move.

"I'm nervous about the application.. I'm not very good at interacting with people." I murmured quietly, not wanting to admit just how much I wanted to work in the bookstore. It was quiet and peaceful, and somewhere I knew like the back of my hand because I'd been there so often. I wanted it more than I'd wanted anything for a long time. It was a place where I would feel like I belonged. A cliche sentiment, but one I couldn't shake.

"Hey Gav, why don't you help the kid fill out the application?" George turned his hazel gaze to Gavin and he paused his banter with Mal to look down at me. HIs voice was low and soothing in my ear as he murmured, "You want me to help pup? I still have a couple days before I start working again." His offer was serious and generous and I nodded eagerly. Any attention from Gavin made me giddy with excitement even if I wanted to deny it.

"When these fuckers leave we can go over the questions." His voice got heavier as he murmured in my ear low enough not to be overheard, "We'll just have to think of a way for you to show how much you appreciate my help." I gulped as my body started to heat up, a furious blush spreading across my cheeks. George was watching us with an amused twinkle in his eye, and shook his head.

"I like your boyfriend Gav, but please try to behave yourself when you have company." George chuckled before turning to talk to Charlie about 'disgusting couples' and I was still trying to process what he said.

Boyfriend?

When Gavin finally let go of me and let me up we all went out for dinner at the only decent bar in town. The other three went ahead of us, George and Mal arguing about who would get shotgun, but I lingered behind with Gavin.

"Come on, pup, let's go." He grinned at me, and I realized how happy and relaxed he looked around his friends. It made me wonder how tense he must be normally for me notice such a marked difference in his demeanor. But there was one thing that bothered me more.

"I can't.. I can't drink. I don't like it." I blurted out, not knowing how to phrase it in a way that didn't make me sound like an uptight prick. I'd just never liked the taste of alcohol but I worried that whatever comraderie I'd fallen into with his friends would be strained if I was the only one who didn't drink like they did.

"So?" Gavin's face was genuinely confused and it would've been cute if I wasn't mildly panicking about ruining my new friendships with my childishness.

"You guys drink and.. And I just don't and I'm such a

kid

sometimes and you guys are really cool and I'm not and I really like your friends and I want them to like me but they won't if I act like a baby and if your friends don't like me anymore then you won't like me anymore then you'll leave again and I'll be alone and-"

I was rambling and could feel my panic rising, but Gavin just cupped my face. He didn't tell me to calm down,

he didn't tell me to shut the fuck up like I thought he would

, he just let me talk while his warm hands cradled my face. His dark eyes watched me calmly and I eventually fell quiet. We stayed just like that until I calmed down, neither of us saying a word while my heart rate returned to normal. I was lost in his eyes and my panic couldn't compete with the calm I saw there. I had the feeling Gavin would've stayed with me for hours if I needed him to. When he finally broke the silence, I was almost completely relaxed again.

"I want you to understand one thing okay?" His rough voice had lost all traces of lingering amusement that usually colored his tone, and the quiet sincerity there was reassuring. "I'm not going anywhere. I promise. Do you trust me?" I just nodded, slightly surprised by how wholeheartedly I did trust him even after all this time.

But Gavin had never broken a promise to me.

I was running next door to show Gavin a new book I'd found when I saw the moving trucks. Gavin was only 17 and a half at the time but he still looked older than most boys his age. He was standing in his driveway glaring at his mother who was arguing with his father, a common occurrence I'd found out ever since Gavin and I became friends.

"Gavin?"

He turned and sighed when he saw me, his geeky 15 year old neighbor who'd become his best friend.

"Hey Matt." There was no teasing, no jokes, no sarcastic remarks like I was used to and I was immediately set on edge by the seriousness in his tone.

"What's.. What's wrong?" I hugged the book to my chest like it could shield me from whatever he was going to say, like it would protect me. But it couldn't, and it didn't.

"We're moving. Mom and dad are splitting up and I'm going with mom to New York." Our little suburb in Ohio seemed pretty plain when you compared it to New York, but I still wanted him to stay. His voice was flat and disturbingly calm for someone whose family was being ripped apart, and my worry for him skyrocketed.

"But you can't leave. You can't." I felt my eyes start to burn and knew I would cry soon if I didn't calm down, but I couldn't. My best friend was leaving and the emptiness was too familiar a feeling. First my dad, now Gavin.

"I don't want to go, Matt. But I'm not 18 yet. I have to go with my mom, even though I don't want to." He looked slightly panicked at the obvious bout of tears coming on, and he walked up to me and wrapped his arms around me awkwardly. He never was good at hugs when he was nervous, and I fixated irrationally on that one fact. Who would know him like I did in New York? Who would be his friend? Who would hug him when he was nervous?

"I'll be back though. I promise. And then I'll never leave you again. Okay?" He mumbled quietly as I started to cry, staining his tee shirt as I clung to him. Eventually I had to let him go and I was left watching the moving truck drive away, feeling like the best part of my life was leaving.

"I'm not going to leave again. No one is going to make me leave you. My friends like you, I like you. You're my best friend Matt. That has never,

will

never change. Trust me." He never looked away and I could see the honesty in his eyes as he reassured me, and somehow him saying my name made it that more serious. This wasn't Gavin treating me like his pet anymore. This was my best friend from my childhood telling me it would be alright.

"I trust you." I mumbled quietly, and slowly reached out to wrap my arms around Gavin, holding him tightly. Just needing to be close to him for awhile as my panic slowly faded away.

He looked down at me in slight surprise and I realized this was my first time since he'd been back initiating contact with him. I guess I'd been holding back, worried that he'd just leave again. Like everyone in my life seemed to leave. But now, somehow, Gavin made me believe him. I trusted that he wouldn't leave me anymore.

It only took a few moments for him to shake off his surprise and hug me back, and hold me tight. I'd missed his hugs. They were always so warm and made you feel like you were the most important person in the world to him.

We were still holding each other when George came back upstairs to the apartment, and he cleared his throat obnoxiously until Gavin and I pulled away from each other reluctantly.

"If you guys just wanna stay here you could've just said so." George pointed out, rolling his eyes at us both. I was feeling more steady and was able to shake my head firmly and say,

"We're coming. I want to hang out with you guys more." My voice didn't shake and I met George's gaze evenly. I feel Gavin's eyes on me and out of the corner of my eye I thought I caught a glimpse of a proud smile on his lips before he stepped forward, grabbing my hand and tugging me along out the door.

"You heard him, lets go. And I don't care what you fuckers say you're not all fitting into my car.." I tuned out the rest of George and Gavin's conversation, and instead focused on how much more relaxed I felt.

Just with a few words Gavin had put me back on solid ground. I wasn't tensed up waiting to be abandoned again, I wasn't worrying about making a mistake that would end up making me lose another person I loved, I was just relaxed and able to enjoy his company.

It was a good feeling.

At the bar all of us piled into a corner booth that was big enough to fit Charlie's big frame and the rest of us comfortably. Gavin didn't give me much choice of where to sit, because it was either on his left side or his right. I got the feeling that no matter where I chose to sit I would end up tucked into his side.

And I was right.

Gavin seemed to like having me close all the time, and George just smirked as he sat next to me saying loud enough for the others to hear, "I'm surprised he lets you out of his sight."

Gavin wasn't embarrassed by the comment, he just tightened his arm around my waist and said confidently, "He's not complaining."

I knew I was blushing and wanted to open my mouth to deny it, to brush it off, to say anything to shift the focus from the fact that I was so helplessly addicted to Gavin, but I saw him look at me pointedly. I remembered his words from earlier

If you lie to me you go over my knee

. So I just stayed quiet while everyone just chuckled.

A pretty waitress came over to take our orders for drinks while we decided what we wanted to drink, and Gavin ordered a round of coke for everyone at the table ignoring the groaning and complaining. When the waitress left he glared at everyone until they shut up and explained.

"Matt's 19, he can't drink. We're not drinking tonight. So shut the fuck up and get over it." Everyone sighed but nodded and it was immediately forgotten as Mal and George started arguing about who could get the waitress' number first.

Gavin had handled the situation calmly and with an authority that showed that he was the leader of his group of friends without question. He managed to deal with the source of my anxiety for the evening easily and in a way that saved me the panic that would come from having all the attention turn to me to explain myself.

I smiled at him gratefully and he winked before turning back to his menu, and for the rest of the night the entire atmosphere of the table was relaxed and playful in a way that made me feel at ease in a way that I hadn't felt in a long time.

I wasn't alone anymore.