Summary: Sean doesn't know much, being a virgin and all, but he knows one thing: that first time should be at least pretty perfect, with butterflies in his stomach and love at first sight. This is the reason why he doesn't want to just hook up and have sex, by frequenting gay bars, as his close friend suggests. When a sexy dangerous good-for-nothing punk lands in his bed, is not for sex, though, and he has no hopes that he could score with Max, who seems to be light years apart from everything Sean envisions for himself. But when their lips connect, and Sean feels the butterflies in his belly trying to get free, he starts to understand how his first time should really look like.
***
Sean had seen them many times. Whenever he was on his way back from the nursing school, through the park, he saw them there. They were usually killing time, making fun of all the people happen to pass by, like they had not a single worry in the world. Baggy clothes, spiky hair, and way too much attitude.
He hated guys like those. They were just a bunch of punks, trying to act and look cool, when they were good for nothing. He hated passing by them. They always made fun of his glasses, or his clothes, or his hair. Or worse, although they could not really guess that, and they were just obnoxious and rude.
"Dude, what a sexy chick!"
"What chick? Don't you see it's a sissy?"
"Hey, sissy boy!"
"Where are you going, four eyes?"
"Are you taking it up the ass?"
"Do you spit or swallow?"
Luckily, they were never doing anything else but spewing all that crap. He'd tried going around the park, but in several days, it had proved too tedious, especially when he wanted nothing more but to hit the bed and grab a bite after school, not necessarily in that order. He'd decided he was not going to be intimidated by some idiots.
There was another reason why he didn't take the longer road, but he was not so keen on admitting it. Among those punks, there was one guy who really had Sean's imagination fired up. Sean had noticed him from the first day. Those corn rows did not look bad on him at all. His hair had to be pretty long, to have it styled like that, and still have long rows going down mid back. He could have been Latino, as he had dark skin, but Sean wasn't sure. His features looked more Native American, but again, he could not tell. He kept the sides shaved, and that gave him a pretty bad ass look.
The problem was the guy looked like the exact embodiment of Sean's most erotic fantasies. He had really beautiful dark eyes, thick eyebrows, and well defined, arched lips. He wore baggy clothes, too, like the rest, most of the time, so he had no clear idea about the guy's body. Yet, he could bet the youngster's body was lean and hard, covered by perfect olive skin and ...
He shook his head. From the moment he'd realized he was gay, he'd sworn that he would not fall for the wrong kind of guy. Of course, because his mom had made him promise that, but also because he knew she was right about it.
He was now in nursing school, and he had to keep his head on books, not boys. He hadn't done anything yet, with anyone, and he already had visions of himself rocking in a wooden chair, surrounded by cats of various sizes, without ever doing anything with anyone all his life. That made Ann, his best friend, give him a casual slap once in a while, to wake him up to reality. 'Casual' was what the energetic brunette called her heavy punches that were almost always throwing him off the bench, whenever she wanted to empower him, as she used to say.
"Really, Sean, you're the cutest guy I know," she insisted. "You're tall, blond, you have the sweetest blue eyes I've ever seen, but you're single. The problem is you don't go anywhere you could meet guys. I don't know, like clubs or something."
"No, no, no," he gestured frantically. "I don't have the guts to go there."
"Why? Have you ever spoken to another gay guy, at least?"
"N-no. Ann, it's not like they're walking with a sign on their heads telling the world they're gay!"
"Ugh," she said, frustrated. "Are you sure you're even gay? You're not just saying it? Because, if you lie to me, I will strangle you bare-handed! You know I had the hots for you from day one!"
That was how most of their conversations went. He could still not believe he'd let her convince him to go to the drugstore and buy condoms and lube. The saleswoman had looked at him, a bit surprised, then she had snickered and blushed. He'd taken the items home and thrown them deep in the back of a drawer. At least, he would not have to deal with Ann's bickering on that particular subject anymore.
He'd realized he was gay during seventh grade. His math teacher was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen in his life, and he'd dreamed about the man until the school had ended.
It was a good thing his mom was open-minded about everything. When confused and a bit scared he'd told her about his crash and the fact that he didn't really like girls, not in that way, anyway, she had comforted him. She'd always made him feel ok with himself, and this had been just another matter to openly discuss with her.
But his mom could not help him with his shyness. Neither could Ann. In high school, he had feared the others' ridicule if he were to give even the slightest clue about his sexual orientation, but, now, that he was no longer a kid, he should have started going out and trying to meet someone. Only that each and every time, he had found an excuse to avoid doing exactly that. He could not even muster the courage to create a profile on a dating site, and that pretty much summed up how terrified he really was with the prospect of talking to someone with the same sexual preferences.
He could not even say what he was scared of. He loved staring at naked guys' pictures, he jerked off to them, and he was dreaming about meeting them in real life. Maybe it was because he wanted the first time to be special; he wanted butterflies in his stomach and everything to happen out of the blue, and ... yeap, his mother was right. He had read way too many fairytales for his own good.
Compared to what was happening in his imagination, the idea to go to a club and hook up with some guy for casual sex seemed quite horrendous. He could not imagine walking into a place like that and find Prince Charming who wanted more than just sex. He knew where that was going, and he didn't really want it.
The fact that he was still a virgin could also be off putting for most guys, he thought.
"Really, where do you get all these ideas from, Sean?" Ann chided him. "And trust me, first time does not have to be special that badly. My third boyfriend was actually the first to make me see stars and butterflies and everything you say. You know, your first time might not be perfect, even if you try your best."
"I don't want it to be perfect," he said, blushing.
"Yes, you do."
"Alright," he admitted. "I want it to be at least pretty perfect. Is that so wrong?"
Ann slammed her head against the desk. "No, Sean, it's not. But you won't stay this cute forever, honey."
"What the hell? We're barely 20!"
"Yeah ... and sooner than you think, you'll have wrinkles and urinary incontinence and you'll forget where you left your teeth ..." she said theatrically.
"Wow, my whole life flashed before my eyes ..." he said ironically, while opening his book. At least he could concentrate on learning and stop listening to her altogether. A certain wooden chair and a certain bunch of fluffy cats came to mind, though.
Only that for a few weeks, he had more trouble concentrating than usual. Daydreaming was a flaw of his, but with the guy from the park on his mind, it was beginning to get worrisome. Sean had noticed how his dream guy never was among those to taunt him. He was laughing with the others, and one time -- Sean remembered that moment in very vivid details -- he had stared directly at Sean, and smiled.
That was the sexiest grin Sean had ever seen. And it had been directed at him. He had no idea what it meant ... but it had been directed to him. It was all that mattered. Of course, after staring back into the guy's black eyes, he had almost run away, afraid something bad would happen. But right then, that moment, when they had looked at each other, the noise around had faded away, and Sean could no longer hear the others, even though they had been pretty loud, like usual.
And after that, the short exchange of glances had happened again. And again. And again. That was why Sean could not take the long road to school. Those glances were keeping his imagination well fueled ... and he could already count many orgasms built on the fantasies stemmed by the brunette's hot stare following him for the few seconds needed for Sean to pass by the rowdy pack.
Now it was late and quite cold, as he was walking back home, through the park. He was hoping to catch a glimpse of the guy he liked, so he could go to sleep hoping for some nice dreams. From afar, he noticed how the two benches where the rambunctious gang usually sat were empty. His heart sank a little. Maybe they chose another park where they could harass the passersby and he was probably never going to see his dream guy again.
