Jimmy stood up above the red and white diner table and began gasping for air. His face had turned a dark purple and both hands were wrapped tightly around the sides of his neck. I was finally going to put my first aid training to practical use.
After setting my leg under his thighs, I began doing the Heimlich maneuver. I placed my thumbs near his belly button, and pressed into his body harder and harder. I was truly terrified that I couldn't save my best friend! Jimmy's left hand came off of his neck, and he slammed his open palm against the table. He brought his other hand down and reached beneath my waist.
"You're gay!" He yelled, as he squeezed my balls hard in his hand.
Jimmy turned around and gave me a soft kiss on the left cheek. Now that he was satisfied with his shenanigans, he sat back down besides Craig. The two of them both burst into bouts of uncontrollable laughter while holding the sides of their throats. I should have known Jimmy would do something like that. He was always pulling these sorts of pranks on everyone. What else were a bunch of senior college kids going to do during their long spring break? There really wasn't much else to do in this boring old town.
We probably could have had girlfriends like the other college kids our age, but we were all terrible at talking to girls. Jimmy was the most attractive one out of our group, and would probably have a decent chance at it. Jimmy was a tall burly football player with muscle up and down his huge body. His shiny silver eyes and long slick black hair only added to his incredibly perfect physique. Despite his good looks, he usually screwed up any chance with girls because of his stupid pranks and immature sense of humor. Most girls around here were looking for bad boys, not toddlers.
Craig was the other guy in our little trio, but also didn't have much a chance. His sparkling blue eyes and curly blonde hair could probably get him any girl around here. But Craig was way too awkward to talk them, and usually just kept to us. Poor little Craig had a wicked stutter and weighed less than a hundred pounds. It didn't help that he was also shorter than most six-graders.
I was the average guy in the group, and that was probably my biggest issue. I weighed about two hundred pounds, and didn't really have anything the girls were really looking for. I didn't have that bad-boy persona, and the two of them never let me hear the end of it. I was as soft as my man boobs, which the boys love to rip on. But the three of us made a great group, and always had a great time together. Here we were following another one of Jimmy's stupid pranks.
We slowly ate our omelets and drank our burnt coffee. Jimmy and Craig kept pretended to choke on their food, while wrapping their hands around their throats. I knew Jimmy wasn't near done yet, and prayed he would divert his attention elsewhere. Craig's face was so red that it was causing me to burst out laughing. As soon as the color returned to their faces, Craig saw his next victim. There she was another one of Craig's perfect opportunities, sitting alone at the far end of the restaurant.
Ms. Davies always sat near the restaurant window with her little black shiatsu beside her. She never hesitated to complain, and we could overhear her whining to the pretty blonde waitress about everything. Her toast was overdone, her coffee was burnt and her cutlery was dirty. If there was an award for complaining she would get the gold medal.
The pretty blonde waitress nodded her head and took everything back inside the kitchen. We knew the waitress would bring back the same food, the same dishes and most likely spit inside her coffee. We knew that because that pretty blonde waitress hated the old hag, just the same way we did.
The three of us couldn't even drive past the old bitch's house without her calling the cops on us. She called them because our clothes were too dirty, we were swearing too much or our music was too loud for her little shiatsu. One time Jimmy had enough of her complaining, and gave her a reason to call the cops. Jimmy had somehow gotten a hold of just about the smelliest food on the planet. One morning Jimmy showed up at my house with small can of the gross fermented fish, and spent the next hour explaining what it was in great detail.
He explained that Surströmming is so pungent that it's banned on most domestic flights. On the hottest day of last summer, Jimmy set it the can down behind her house and opened it up. Even from across the street where we were hiding, we could smell the pungent contents of the open can. Her little black shiatsu ran off the balcony, and bolted towards Jimmy. Jimmy ran back across the street and quickly ducked into the overgrown bushes, while the curious Shiatsu ate all the stinky fish.
Oblivious to what just happened, Ms. Davies was sitting up in her rocking chair. She was thumbing through her leather bound bible while fanning her sweaty neck in the sun. The little black dog jumped right up on her lap and threw it up all over her old floral sundress. The old lady jumped up and knocked the dog down to the ground. Between loud barks it kept throwing up the rest of the contents on her bare feet.
Lucky for us, Craig's uncle was the sheriff and we got off easy. Nobody pressed charges, but we got stuck helping the old bitch for next couple weeks. No matter how well we completed the chores she gave us, she would still make us do it again. By the time we left her house, the house looked like a museum. She tried to get us to do more, but Craig's uncle said it was enough.
But did the handsome troublemaker learn his lesson? Absolutely not, and no Jimmy never did.
As we left out the restaurant on this sunny spring day, the two of them held their necks and continued their 'choking'. They purposely made their faces turn purple and pretended to do the Heimlich to each other while humping each other in the parking lot. I grabbed Jimmy from behind and jokingly pushed his body against his jeep, pretending to save him from choking again. When we were finally done our little spectacle we headed to the jeep.
Craig took the front passenger seat and I climbed over into small torn up leather backseat. The old green Willy's Jeep was Jimmy's pride and joy. It was high school gift from his grandpa and it meant a lot to him. The jeep was rusted all on all sides and underneath, the paint was peeling off and half the gauges didn't function. But it was the best way for us boys to get around town, and Jimmy was proud that he 'fixed' it up himself. Jimmy put on his favorite rock station and started jamming with Craig. But as soon as he saw her mint condition pink Caddy parked in front of the restaurant we both knew he was about to pull something.
Jimmy stepped out of the Jeep and opened up the small trunk. He smiled at her through the big glass restaurant window and pulled a massive bag out of his trunk. After spilling out whatever it was all over her car, he got back into the jeep and parked facing her shiny pink Caddy. Whatever Jimmy did was definitely going to cause some problems.
Within minutes her pride and joy was coved in a thick layer of seagulls. The massive flock was proudly mewing at whatever Jimmy just poured all over her pride and joy. They quickly ate it all, and left a series of small white 'thank you' marks in exchange all over her car. Jimmy was laughing so hard that his belly kept smacking back and forth against the Jeep's vintage steering wheel. We were begging Billy to drive away before we got into more trouble. We didn't want to spend another minute in her smelly dirty house. To Jimmy this was probably one of his life's biggest accomplishments. Jimmy waited a few more seconds, and counted down from ten. There it was, his moment of joy!
