Hey guys, sorry for not posting in almost three months. I have been really busy lately and I have only had time to pick this up while traveling through Europe during the summer break. Thank God for the break. This is the last installment of the series and I am thankful for all the comments you guys have provided!
*****
We stood there like a frozen tableau, a scene worthy of the halls of social media if not for the unfolding disaster. Yes, it is a catastrophe in every sense of the world. A tussle between the rational elements of my head and the emotions roaring in my heart. I wanted to go back, my heart yearned for it.
I arraigned my own heart and cross-examined myself. What have I exactly achieved out of this pseudo-relationship? Nothing. I set out in this journey telling myself to expect nothing. But things are often beyond us. There was once when hope blossomed like flowers in the desert after a downpour. But like the harsh, arid climate, it was but a transient, illegitimate relationship. I wish it was not illegitimate - that it is not a bastard child of our confused sexualities. His voice is like a siren. I know I will be wrecked on his shores again if I heed it. Marooned and dashed to pieces by the biting waves of reality and his refusal to live up to who he really is.
"Nothing has changed, Brandon. You're still you - straight, smart, sexy as hell and unable to commit beyond a fleeting dalliance. You're a siren to me." I whispered between tears that just will not stop flowing, gosh.
"No, no, no! Alec, I love you. You know it. That night in Bangkok, the flight back to San Francisco, and all our moments together. You cannot just write them all off. Am I straight? You know I am not. Please, don't leave me, not now!" He pleaded. I could feel his tears and desperation too.
He had a point. Am I really willing to walk away from all of this? We are symbiotic. Or at least we were. But the thought of Edith and him together gnawed at me. I could not bring myself to let go of that image. I love him very much. He has a place in my heart that no one can really replace, and definitely not Sebastian. The sex is one thing, but the emotional anchor he provided was priceless and irreplaceable. Yet, these are traitorous feelings. We might be amazing together, but there will always be a deep well of insecurity bubbling within me, wondering when the next Edith will appear. It will overshadow and take overshadow and take over our relationship. This is a poisoned well upon which our relationship draws from. I cannot survive this meltdown again.
I looked down at the snow and I steeled myself. I took a step back and started to turn away. I was willing to walk away from this. Brandon grabbed my hand. I could feel his callused palm on my wrist. The calluses spent from hours in the gym. The calluses which I used to trace with my fingers and lick with my tongue as we spooned together after sex.
"Don't. Please. I'm begging you."
"The race is run, Brandon." I choked. Did I really believe this?
He gave a sharp tug on my wrist unexpectedly. I felt his grip tighten and tense up and split second before he pulled me in. He embraced me tightly, my face to his chest, his head on my shoulder, his breath on my neck. I could feel the rising and falling of his chest and the heat emanating off his body - a body I have come to know so well like my own. In a better world, this is where I want to be, I thought bitterly. I put up a resistance only for him to tighten his embrace even harder. It was a cruel reminder of the opposing tectonic forces that are ripping me apart.
"Don't go. I promise there won't be anyone else. No Edith but just you. We-we fit together Alec. Jeg elsker dig." He whispered the last sentence so softly that I could barely hear it.
He choked and I froze. His tears were now officially trickling down my neck, staining my shirt and jacket. I was shocked because Brandon has never shared my enthusiasm for Danish dramas. He only watched one episode of "Borgen" with me. And would you guess it, "jeg elsker dig" means "I love you" in Danish.
My resistance crumbled and the control I have tried so hard to maintain came crashing down. Yes, we were two grown men, hugging and crying in a snowy forest clearing.
"Don't do this Brandon." I plead.
"No, don't say anything. Stop! Just stop already Alec." His body began shaking.
"Edith won't go away. She will always be there, haunting us. You know what I mean."
I began pushing against him gently. I felt his resistance crumble. I was right and he knew it too. It felt like a Pyrrhic victory.
I found myself stumbling, running and sliding down the snow-covered hill as though there was a monster chasing after me. Perhaps there was. And that monster is none other than my own insecurity. I have grown up placing so much trust in my own intellect, my ability to analyze a situation and get out of it unscathed or victorious most of the time. I was glad that I did not go through any of the convulsions that seems to afflict every teenager as I soared through high school without much trouble. The struggle of reconciling their physical development with their newfound plethora of emotions and responsibilities thrust upon them. I thought that the process of growing up was just a matter of finding my place in the worlds charting out a career and lifestyle. Turns out that it is so much more than that. It involves taking charge of your feelings and being responsible for them. It means that you have to live with each decision you make, knowing that there is often an end-result. Brandon was in my life; it was almost as if he was my life. That was how scary it was.
By some luck, I found myself at the Takayama breweries where I was supposed to meet Sebastian. But I was hardly in any state for anything. Everyone who walked past looked at me with some strange look that is a cross between pity and bewilderment. I could imagine their thoughts.
"Poor thing."
"Crying at his age? Shame on him."
"Eh? What the fuck happened? Shall I stop to ask, or not? Better not."
I stood at the same place for an hour, my face bitten raw by the snow and wind. Even Sebastian has deemed me unworthy. I decided to return back to my ryokan. I stripped, showered and climbed into the common bath. As my body sank into the searing heat of the massive bath, my muscles finally began to relax after the tense events of this morning. It was as though the hot water had slowly sapped the stress and tension out of me.
Ironically, I felt the fog that had descended on my mind clear even as mist and water vapor enveloped the entire room.
