People Can Only Label Themselves

1

I don't know what other people do when they graduate college. I suppose they just try to make a break for where they're hoping to get to, otherwise fall in line with the way their life is shaping up, if they don't just go back home to mom and dad.

Myself I was twenty-one when I graduated and I was lucky enough to have a permanent job, though not the job I was studying for. Regardless I chose to keep renting the two bedroom apartment that I shared with my buddy Richard. I didn't have a girlfriend. He was gay and didn't have a boyfriend, but he had a job that he was content with - same as me - so we both stuck around.

If anything we were sort of extending the frat brother experience, if not orienting ourselves to integrate into the world.

So I'm twenty-one and out of college. That's enough about me. Let me tell you about Richard, who's the straightest gay twenty-two year old I know. Because he's the only gay person I ever knew, that makes him the straightest gay in the world.

Richard's greatest adversity in life is that he's too good looking to be gay. Sadly the only gay people he's encountered so far in this city are either ugly (his words, not mine) or too gay, which I don't yet understand. Maybe when we're older he'll get luckier and I'll get wiser, but so far his stories of his sexual experiences so far either involve the filthiest and most sordid incidents imaginable, or kiss and tell tales of straight conquests.

Richard, an athletic and tan kid of eastern and southern European blood, neither acts straight or gay, but unless he's talking about the men he's had sex with, you wouldn't know it. He's a sensible and considerate guy, doesn't play mind-games with people, and he just approaches everybody with a very honest, polite and straightforward manner.

He's also pretty loyal for a guy who admits that he isn't your best buddy. He just looks out for his own. I've learned a lot more from him than maybe even he knows.

Richard also likes to watch straight porn for some reason. I don't know why, because he isn't into women at all. He isn't put off by them though. Once I joked that he was probably just watching the guy's dick and balls work and he just gave me a frank kinda look and shrugged, saying, 'obviously!'

He could sit there all afternoon or evening just watching pussy and ass being pounded, though, with a beer in his hand. Every now and then I'd give him a glimpse to see if he was feeling okay. I wondered somehow that maybe he was depressed.

Sometimes I'd throw in another comment like, 'not switching teams are ya?' and again I'd get that same frank look. I got the same when I asked him if he thought women faked pleasure when they were receiving anal.

Richard was a dude though. He had a strong sense of irony that I liked. It reminded me that he was in fact wise beyond his years, if not just older than he should have been. His dad had all but disowned him when he found out about his sexual orientation. That had to hurt, though hopefully he'd come around and learn to keep his nose out of other people's dirty laundry.

2

We were a few months out of college and neither of us was getting any luck with our preferred genders. I know what his situation was. I knew that mine was mostly a lack of interest in starting a relationship, which seemed to be what all girls wanted at the time. Between me and Rich watching porn almost every night and me going to work frustrated every day, I was only getting more wound up and then coming home stressed out and too tired to look for hook-ups.

It struck me at some point that whereas he was watching porn that didn't do much for him, I was seeing almost every day what did do it for me. Why did I have to suffer. One evening when I found him drinking in front of the TV watching porn, yet again, I brought him up on it.

'Rich,' I said, 'you don't even like girls, but I never catch you watching gay porn.'

That same frank look came across. 'Does it bother you that there isn't gay porn on the TV?' he asked and smirked. His eyes didn't leave mine for about five seconds before I tried to remember what it was I was observing here.

'I wouldn't have a huge problem if you'd rather watch two dudes butt-slammin',' I said, and immediately realised that what I'd said would be used against me.

Rich laughed and asked, 'are you sure about that?' Yup, he'd found the sexual innuendo, but that sort of gave me cause to make my case.

'It's just that I'm the one walking around all day with nothing on my mind but fucking and you're... well... doesn't it bother you to be watching porn that isn't even of your preference?'

'Fucking is my preference too, you know,' Rich stated smartly. 'I think all day and all night of the fucking I'd like to be getting. I'm not getting it, though, so...'

'Neither am I,' I reminded him. We both duly nodded in recognition of our shared dilemma and toasted with a beer to the Born Again Virgins Club as we aptly named it. 'I'm just saying that if you wanted to watch some man on man action...'

Rich laughed childishly at that, cutting me off over and over.

'Nah, shut up, whatever you call it. Gay sex-

'No, dude, it's just sex. There's no gay before it-

'Surely there is if you're gay,' I argued.

Again Rich laughed. 'Yeah I wake up as a gay guy every day and I say to myself, "why you know what I'd really be partial to today? I think I'd like me some gay sex!"'

'Just saying though, man,' I stuttered, 'watch your porn and pull one off if you have to.'

There was a silence for a while. It wasn't really that awkward except for the notably long time that Rich and I locked eyes and just sat staring at each other. 'Okay,' he suddenly piped up and leapt off the couch, bounding for his bedroom. 'I am going to introduce you to one of my favourite all time gay pornos,' he said matter-of-factly. 'This movie leaves me dying to get fucked every time, without fail. So are we sitting comfortably?'

Was I hell?!! 'Well since you put it like that,' I replied a little sarcastically. And then the disc disappeared into the player. 'Rich,' I started in the silence, 'is there like something I should do before I watch gay porn?'

'Like what?' He frowned with a queer little smile on his lips.

'Like should I poop and go to church or something?'

Rich's sardonic laughter started and didn't stop for a good ten seconds. Weapon of Mass Gayness defused, maybe I could go on without feeling like I'd made a terrible mistake now. My god though, the quality of gay porn compared to some of the alleged professional studio shit I'd seen. I wasn't prepared for what Helix Studios had presented us with.

3

Two fit fair-haired boys about our age are getting it on like nobody's business and I note how sensual and seductive they are. I find myself thinking about how they look like they couldn't intimidate a fucking kitten. They're gay alright. They're gayer than Liberace riding a fucking unicorn, but at the same time they could be just any teen next door.

There's more passion in the first scene of this movie than I've seen between a thousand of the other movies Rich has watched on our TV and I'm honestly speechless, and a little embarrassed. It isn't long before they're blowing on each other - not literally like they're both made of fucking dandelion fluff - and then the one with the unexpected horse cock that's been growing and growing lines up to slow-fuck the other.

Rich keeps looking at me from the other side of the couch with a smirk on his face. By the time he starts talking again, which is way too damn far away from when we both shut up to view the movie, I've been silently aware of the major difference between his gay porn and his regular straight porn.

The anal! It's believable! That question I once asked, about girls faking it when taking it up the ass, I might now know the answer to. The boy taking it bareback from his fuck buddy is ever so gradually reaching for the moon like his ass was made to be fucked. You'd have thought that these guys were long-time lovers in real life. That's when I notice the slight stiffness down below.

This shit is too good. Say what you're going to say, Rich. Don't leave me doubting the one tiny thing I thought I once knew about me and gay people.

'That's real anal,' Rich points out, like it's some kind of profound genius observation. 'Women can't feel that. They have no prostate. You know the thing that gets your dick hard?'

Jesus Christ, Rich. I dare to look at him and can't help but chuckle, maybe a little defensively.

'I've yet to be fucked like that too. That's the saddest shit. It depresses me, which is why I watch the fake shit so often. I don't want to be depressed by the absence of good fucking in my life.'

'Wow I'm sorry, Rich,' I started, but he didn't let me finish. I wanted to excuse myself and to actually compliment his choice of porn. It might not have been my thing but...

'I mean don't tell me you enjoy anal with women, because the only convincing women I've spoken to say they hate it. Fuck a guy who loves it and that's the real thing,' Rich explained a little too passionately for me not to turn red and laugh.

'I couldn't possibly comment,' I concluded, or at least tried to conclude. 'I've never done anal either way, so I can't miss what I never had...'

Silence again, all but for the sound of two boys fucking in the raw, one about to inject the other's small intestine with a gazillion doomed little sperm troopers. 'You're fucking kidding,' Rich said.

4

'I don't want to have this conversation anymore,' I said laughing. Wasn't good enough to end the conversation, so I got up and went to the bathroom.

'Well, hey, I'm just saying,' Rich continued from outside the door, 'you're missing out, or you would be if you were gay; or at least curious...'

'Please go away,' I said, red-faced and laughing to myself as I washed my hands and dried.

'You don't even have to be curious enough. All you need is a hard dick and an open mind, if not a who-gives-a-fuck kinda attitude.'

'You enjoy your porn now, buddy. I'll be cleaning the kitchen,' I said on my way to the kitchen. To no avail, Rich followed as the next scene of the movie echoed through the apartment. What the hell had I let myself in for, indeed.

'Have you ever even wanted to try it?' he asked.

I sighed a heavy sigh. I knew I wasn't getting away from this. Letting my shoulders slump, I turned to face him from the kitchen doorway. 'I mean some porn I've seen makes it look alright, but I never thought of it as much more than a gimmick. And if I'm fucking then I don't want to smell ass!'

'That's...' Rich faultered. 'Awww, yeah nobody wants that!'

'So go on,' I dared him to humour me as I reached for the cleaning spray under the kitchen sink. 'Tell me all about how gay guys are all about the anal. Or tell me whatever you want to tell me. I'll listen, over the moans of the fucking happening in the next room over.'

I retrieved a cloth and started spraying down the kitchen worktop and cupboard doors.

'Well for a start, speaking personally, my ass smells of roses.'

I balked and then laughed. 'You're not expecting me to smell your ass, I hope.'

'I'm just saying. I literally douche and clean myself religiously, and I actually use rosewater to scent my ass so sex with me is as pleasant as it can be. May sound weird but it's important to me that the experience is as good as it can be...'

'That's interesting,' I accepted, wiping down the cupboards first. 'It may never be useful knowledge to me, but nonetheless. I suppose there are women who do the same.'

'Yeah but women get pleasure from vaginal sex,' Rich said as I wiped down the counter. 'There are straight dudes who secretly prefer to fuck gay guys if they really love anal. It's just fact. Like lesbians are all about giving pussy head, too, because they know their lovers almost as easily as they know themselves, gay bottoms know how to work ass!'

That got me. I moved onto spraying the sink and tap and left the cleaning fluid to froth up and do the work for me. 'If you fuck gay guys you're not straight.'

'Who says?'

'I'd have thought it was obvious,' I gathered. 'Bisexual maybe, but definitely not straight.'

'I disagree,' Rich said. 'Let's say you wanted to find out for yourself and you enjoyed it, but you were never gonna give up pussy or compromise your relationships with girls for boys. You might like it, and you might go back there given the chance, but people can only label themselves. It might seem hypocritical, but politics aren't for personalities, dude. I keep Viagra in case I happen to stir up someone's curiosity. He downs a couple and we have a good time, which he otherwise wouldn't have if he wasn't that attracted to me.'

'Well how could no man be attracted to you, you fine piece of ass?' I half-joked, just a way to disarm my own already fading reluctance. I got back to cleaning the sink.

'I'm just sayin', you shouldn't be afraid to try it sometime,' Rich concluded. 'Didn't mean I was gonna jump on your dick and show you,' he remarked as he walked back to the living room.

I went for the fridge then, pulled out a four-pack of cold beer and followed him through to where yet more of that crazy-ass anal bareback was happening. 'Here,' I said, reaching around to hand him the frosted tins as he wriggled back into his rut, 'more drinking and less talking...'

5

And what happened that night? Well, being exposed to nothing but Rich's secret catalogue of gay porn, I gave in and decided to get drunk, or near enough. It didn't take me much. Rich had to knock back three times as much just to get to the buzz I got.

I had no idea what I might be getting myself in for as I relaxed and got used to what I was seeing. It crossed my mind a few times that the silences were getting longer as we watched on. I was becoming less aware of Rich's tentative glances every now and then.

I found myself asking more questions on the subject, not giving a thought to how I wasn't so much firing off Freudian slips as I was becoming Freud's number one patient. 'Some of them look really uncomfortably tight. Others look looser than Brigitte fucking Kerkove. What's with that?'

'Sometimes it's trust,' Rich said. 'Strangers meeting to fuck for money don't always take to each other. It's just a job to some. Others, if they aren't taking something to loosen up, are probably genuinely turned on and well-acquainted with each other.'

'I suppose you know what you're talking about,' I remarked and stifled a chuckle. I was just ribbing Rich, partly because of his non-stop enthusiasm.

'How honest can I be?' he then asked me.

'How embarrassed will I be?'

'Oh man the fuck up,' he laughed. So I let him humour me. 'When I get accustomed to the guy who's fucking me, I have this thing where I can mould myself around him and cause like a suction. Guys go fucking nuts for that. They say it's like pussy but, I dunno...'

'You can do that?' I asked, genuinely surprised, and a little more intrigued. 'I've never felt that with pussy. That's crazy!'

'Yeah,' Rich said and sighed kinda sadly. 'I wind myself up sometimes just talking about it.'

'Can't you just, like, masturbate?' I asked.

'Yeah, I do that like anybody does, but there's no comparison, dude. I'm sorry to be so forward but I really need that good deep dick.'

Silence returned. I readjusted my cock to take the strain off the crotch of my shorts. I was hard and I didn't even think anything of it. I'd been hard next to Rich dozens of times watching Ava Addams or Carter Cruise ride the cock like they invented it.

And for a moment as the conversation faded out of mind, I failed to figure whether Rich had said what I thought he had, or if I'd just imagined him saying it. 'Just pop a Viagra and try me...'

Nah, that was in my mind, and that gave me a lot of thinking to do over the next few days. And over those days Rich grew into the habit of watching nothing but gay porn when he wasn't at work.

I hadn't masturbated over any of it myself. In fact I wasn't masturbating at all, but that just added to the escalating randiness I was already experiencing. What I needed was a sweet girl with a hot wet little pussy to make myself at home in, or a nice ass if there was one as good as Rich claimed that his was on date night.

Rich crushing a Viagra into my food one night really didn't help matters...

6

We were watching some lame action movie. It was supposed to be a comedy but I honestly failed to see the appeal in Channing Tatum or Jamie Foxx. So Rich turns to me with that frank look, beer in hand, and asks, 'may I watch my porn now?' I relented.

Stupidly I was expecting the usual stuff when I forgot that he was now comfortable with his guy on guy routine. I was shocked back to reality when the opening credits came up with a montage of young guys sucking and fucking each other.

Five minutes into the first scene and this one guy was giving the kind of blowjob I didn't even think women were capable of. He knew his way around a dick a little too well. Ten minutes later I realised that my woody wouldn't go down, and it was pitching a tent in my lounge shorts. It was really raging and throbbing too.

When I started to get an idea as to why this was happening, Rich let out a mischievous titter and then held his fist to his lips. 'If it makes you feel any better, I spiked myself with Viagra too.'

'You fucker, you didn't,' I protested with a gaping mouth. He was smiling right at me and then looking down at the absurd bulge in my pants.

'Look,' he said, 'we're boner buddies, gay and straight, united we stand!'

I wanted to storm off. I wanted to throttle him. I wanted to...

What I did do was cover myself with a cushion and then I asked him, 'how could you do that?'

Half an hour later he was at my bedroom door apologising. He accepted that he had crossed the line. Admittedly he was thinking with the wrong brain. 'The one in your pants?' I shouted with more than a hint of resentment. 'No,' he replied, 'the one up my ass!'

Alone again, I carried on masturbating, but it just wasn't going down.

7

"Again, I'm sorry, please forgive me if you're mad," read the message as I sat in the cafeteria at work that next day. It was Friday, and thankfully my last working day of that week. I needed to get out and to break the monotony, and the bizarre new routine taking place at home.

I knew it wasn't entirely Rich's fault what he was going through. But he was putting himself through it and making it worse. I had a terrible case of blue balls. It was now hurting just to sit on my ass. His ass, however, was suffering whatever the anal equivalent was to my predicament.

Ha! Pre-dick-a-ment! I needed to find a joke for that... or not...

What I needed was a night out away from our usual neuroses, and all the gay porn of course, and Rich's new food spiking antics. But if anyone needed a night out, and maybe even a chance to score, it was him. Why the fuck not?

"Forget about it, but if you're going to spike me with free viags, then at least just offer it to me straight up. How about going out tonight instead of watching men bum each other?" I replied. It might not have been a great idea after all.

At 12 midnight we were stood between Rich's nightclub and my beer garden, wasted and no less desperate. Sorry about that sudden time leap, but the rest of the day was pretty fucking standard. There were no notable erection incidents or promises of sex from pretty ladies. And though we'd compromised for each other and spent time between both night spots, the same could be said.

'Where the fuck are all the women?' I asked.

'Where the fuck are all the horny men?' he asked.

'We're it, Rich,' I concluded in defeat and so we hailed a cab back home.