When you realise at the age of 30 that you're not straight, but bisexual, it takes some getting used to.
I don't really know why it took me so long to come out. I could point to the fact that I grew up in quite a homophobic society, but by the time I was an adult it was a lot less homophobic. When I was 20 I had gay and lesbian friends and I was always fully supportive of them, I just didn't think that... I was one of them. I thought I was an ally.
So when, one day, everything kind of clicked into place, it was very disorienting.
I won't go into details about how I realised it, because that's not what this story is about. This story is about how I learned just how bi I am.
I was out with some friends, and my gay friend Steve was going to a gay bar. He invited me along, and I was feeling pretty good and I knew I didn't look too bad, so I said yes.
After a few drinks, I got talking to an older guy who was in his mid-40s. He was tall, lean and handsome. I could tell he was interested in me, but although this was one of my first times in a gay bar since I had come out, I was wondering why he wasn't making a move.
Later there was some dancing, and he and I danced together. After I had got hot and sweaty, I went to the bathroom to freshen up.
I had just finished washing my face when he came in and smiled at me. He held out his hand, I took it and he pulled me into a cubicle and shut the door and started kissing me.
After a while we broke off, and he said 'I've been wanting to do that all night.'
'So why didn't you,' I said, rather breathless.
'I wanted to be sure you were for real.'
'I am.'
'Are you, though?'
'Try me,' I said, smiling at him.
'I wonder,' he said slowly, 'would you be willing to trust me?'
'Depends,' I said.
'Most of us have come up the hard way,' he said. 'We've been out since we were teenagers. We've had some experiences. You're out just now, and you've had... how many?'
'Well, I've had sex with a guy,' I said, although, to be honest, while we had got naked and rolled around on a bed, he had ended up coming in my face. I had been rather disappointed.
'I was wondering if you'd like to... pay your dues, as it were.'
'What would that involve?'
'Making yourself a little bit... available. I know a lot of guys who would like to be with you, but I doubt you'd look twice at them.'
'Why?'
'Maybe they're older, not quite your type. But you wouldn't have to do much except let them do what they want. You wouldn't even have to see them. And perhaps they wouldn't even touch you. It's just about being willing to give yourself.'
'How?'
'That's what the trust is about,' he said. 'If you're up for it, I'll text you a time and place and you show up. We'll do the rest.'
'What's in it for me?' I said. He smiled.
'A lot of grateful men will tell their younger friends about you.'
I leaned against the cubicle wall and looked at him.
'I'm not getting laid tonight, am I,' I said.
'Not by me,' he said. 'But if you show up, that's some points in your favour.'
'I'll think about it,' I said.
***
We did exchange numbers and, sure enough, I didn't get laid that night. I went to bed frustrated and horny.
But two nights later, I got a text.
It was the address of a swimming pool I knew, and a time--9pm.
I stood looking at it for a long time.
And then I headed for the bedroom, stripping my clothes off as I went.
I washed myself inside and out and packed a gym bag, and then I headed out into the evening.
The swimming pool was apparently closed when I got there, but I knocked on the door. It opened a crack, and a voice said 'Hello?'
'I got a message to come here,' I said, and held up my text message on my phone.
There was a pause, then the door swung open.
It was dimly lit. Evidently this was some kind of after-hours gathering.
Not sure what to do, I went to the changing room.
