Luca
I don't think I'll ever understand how the mind possesses the endurance to withstand such overwhelming and radical emotions day in and day out. I had gone from one of the amazing moments of my life to actually believing that something vital inside me had been pulverized in a mere instant.
As dramatic as it sounds, I truly felt that this was the end of my life. My best friend had poured his feelings out to me and I had managed to crush them all just so that I could chase after a man I had already kicked out of my house once. A man who I found had moved on to the next available guy in a matter of hours. I couldn't accept it as anything else but karma.
I couldn't believe I had done that to Justin. He was last person on earth who deserved to be treated that way. In this moment, I honestly believed that there is nothing left for me. After running until my lungs felt as though they'd explode, I drove to the nearest convenient store and got a bottle of cheap whiskey (not exactly fitting for an Italian, I know).
I don't remember passing out or making it to the bedroom. I do, however, remember wishing during the last few conscious hours that I didn't have to endure the pain of waking up in the morning. Don't get me wrong, I strongly stood against suicide. I was not against a godly act of ending one's suffering out of sympathy, though. I acknowledge that it was a pretty selfish viewpoint, but a mind in pain doesn't tend to think clearly.
When I woke the next morning, I actually thought that I was dying, just judging from the multiple explosions going off in my head. Even if my senses and orientation were stable, I wouldn't have moved from the bed. I just laid there, staring at the wall for hours. I had no intention to do anything else for the foreseeable future, just to continue punishing my body and hope for an end to be granted.
I'm not sure how much time had passed but I nearly screamed when I was snapped out of my trance for a split second by the sinking sensation of someone sitting on my bed. I didn't have the energy nor the pain tolerance to turn my head and see who my visitor was. I just assumed it was most likely Maria. It didn't matter. I had no words to share with her.
I almost jumped out of bed again when my visitor spoke. Rather than Maria's high-pitched voice that I had been expecting, I was shocked to hear that familiar, deep fucking voice.
"Luca, what were you doing at my place last night? Weren't you supposed to be on a date with Justin?" After losing it with him and then tongue raping his hook up, I refused to lose my last shred of dignity and admit that I had realized I wasn't over him. I wouldn't give him that satisfaction. He eventually gave up on waiting for my response. "You need to explain things to me. You just left me completely confused with what was going on. I didn't get the chance to get a word in."
More silence, followed by a sigh.
"Sorry, that isn't fair. You're obviously not in the right place for this. I shouldn't be drilling you with these guilty questions. I came here to help you but I can't do that if you don't talk to me, though. Come on, it's time you opened up."
Fuck that. I wasn't going to share anything with him. I should have stuck to my ways and kept everyone at an arm's length. There wasn't a benefit in trusting others. I mean, I had just started to, and then this shitstorm swept through. I was hurting more now than I could ever remember.
"Alright, well, let's at least get you in the shower. You reek!" He chuckled at that.
His strong, large hands gently guided me by my arms to my bathroom. I was too tired to resist, too drained to even worry about my vulnerability when he stripped me down to my boxer briefs.
I was startled by the sudden downpour. I felt him staring at me for a few moments as I gazed ahead. I felt so cloudy and lost.
"Alright, you try to clean yourself up. I'll check on you in a moment."
I'm not sure how long I stood there. All I could think of was how I had gotten to this point. It was so fucking frustrating. I had everything in a perfect controllable ball and within a few days it blew in my face.
I had gone from being so protected and reserved to this emotional, exposed nerve. I hated it! It was all Brett's fault, too. He started the snowball. He made me want things that I thought I didn't need. Then he ripped it all away. I couldn't blame him, though. Anyone would go for that guy I saw last night when the other option was me.
I thought I was OK to be alone. But then, Brett had me imagining what it'd be like to be cared for so intimately. To be treasured and nurtured. All I could think of now was how deeply I wanted that connection. I truly had believed Brett could provide it, the idiot I was.
I was startled out of my trance when I felt a presence behind me. I jumped but was gently held again by arms.
"Jesus, Luca! It's freezing! Why didn't you turn it up? And you're still in your undies."
I resisted when his hands slid down and he froze.
"Easy there, buddy. No games, I swear. I'm here to help you. You can tell me to stop at anytime if it's too much."
Common sense would have had me telling him to fuck off. Something in his voice though calmed me, and I suddenly felt as though I needed this, too.
