One More Year

"Well..." Ellie looked like some sort of mystic oracle, shrouded in the plume of steam that was rising from her coffee. The look she was giving me was far from mystical, though. She was clearly exasperated. "Do you want me to be honest or do you want me to be helpful?"

I sighed. "Can't you just be both?"

"Not at the same time, this early in the morning." She took a sip from her cup and closed her eyes. "You'll have to choose."

"Okay, fine. Honesty first."

"Excellent choice." She set her cup down, and fixed me with a serious look. "You are an entire idiot."

"I know." I groaned and put my hands over my face.

"Seriously, this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You had 'no idea'?" She sighed dramatically. "Everyone knew, Jay. Everyone."

"You're exaggerating." I looked up at her.

"Sue asked me to confirm that the two of you weren't, in fact, dating. Because she didn't believe you. According to her, you two 'act like a couple' already." Ellie snickered.

"Oh god."

"Seriously though, I honestly thought you guys were... you know..." She shrugged. "Doing stuff. For weeks now, even. A couple of months, almost. Since moderation, you've been hanging off each other, and cuddling up together, and giving each other these goofy smiles." She shook her head. "And now I'm wondering what the hell's been going on. Like, fine, if you didn't notice Louis was into you - that could make sense. We're all bad at that, sometimes. But really, Jay - the only time I've seen you that willing to touch someone or be touched by them was with Eric. You didn't notice that? About yourself?"

"It snuck up on me, okay?" I bit my lip.

"I feel so much better about this exam now. Because if someone so dense can always do so well, I probably have a chance."

"Yeah... Do you want my notes?"

"In a second. I haven't been helpful yet."

"Oh, you noticed."

"Don't get snarky. You still need my help, right?"

I sighed. "Yeah. I don't really know what to do now."

"Have you tried talking to him?"

"I messaged him last night."

"Did he reply?"

"Yeah, but... he kind of shut things down. Here." I pulled out my phone and showed her the text.

______________[Hey]

[Hey. Sorry about tonight. Just got home, but I'm going to try and get some sleep. Talk to you tomorrow. Night!]

"Well, well, well. Isn't he diplomatic?" She arched an eyebrow.

"Why does he keep apologising? Shouldn't he find out how I feel about it first?"

She shrugged, and handed back my phone. "Maybe he's an idiot too."

"Is this the only help you're going to offer?"

"I don't know what you want from me here. Talk to him. Kiss him again if you want to."

"I do, but..."

"But what?"

I sighed and felt a sinking feeling in my chest, as I figured out how to say what I was really worried about. "What if he keeps apologising because he thinks it was a mistake? Like, maybe it's not about it being a bad thing for me. Maybe he thinks I'm a bad choice. For him. And that he should stay away from me."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Well, if he does, then he really is an idiot. He'd be lucky to have you. You're cute, and when you're not making mean jokes, you can be kind of nice. And you two obviously get along. If it's not you, then I don't know what he could possibly want."

"Thanks, but... It's Louis, you know? Aside from you, he's my best friend."

"Nawww, thanks." She clutched her hand to her chest.

I smiled, but carried on. "So if he thinks I'm... gross, or something. I don't know. I'm going to be pretty upset."

"Why would he think you're gross?"

"Because." I crossed my arms, and threw myself back on my chair. "The stuff I got into with Eric and Nick. And the whole thing Jamie, too. He knows about all of that. I haven't even been having sex for a whole year, and I've clocked up a body count of three guys, and..."

"Ugh. Can you stop feeling guilty about that? I cannot even tell you how boring I find that sort of thing." She drained the rest of her coffee, and set down her mug with a firm clunk. "Do you even know how many guys Louis has been with?"

"No, but I-"

"So why do you care about it?" She exhaled sharply.

"It's just... every time Jamie or Eric comes up, he kind of... I don't know, he seems awkward about it."

"Yeah, because maybe it bugs him that someone else got to have you."

"Well, then how much does it bug him? Was it an issue because he didn't think he could have me, or has the fact that I've been with them... ruined things?"

"I highly doubt it's the latter. But you know what's a great way of finding out?" She leaned in conspiratorially. I sighed, but humoured her anyway and leaned in too. She grinned, and then reached forward and lightly slapped the side of my head. "Ask him, you absolute imbecile."

I jumped back, grinning ruefully. "Fine."

It didn't seem that easy though, but I doubted she was going to offer up any more than that. What exactly was I supposed to say? 'Hey, Louis, is it kind of off-putting that I've fucked your friend, his annoying now-ex, and had a friends-with-benefits relationship going with a confused guy?' I couldn't ask him that. Not when I didn't think I could bear it if the answer was yes.

"Now, get me your notes, and get ready. We've only got like an hour until we have to leave."

"I am ready." I frowned, and looked down at my clothes. They were clean, and it wasn't like I was wearing pyjamas.

She looked me over and sighed. "You're ready for an exam. But we're going for lunch with everyone afterwards, and then we're going to hang out at Sara's all day. You really think that this." She gestured up and down at me. "Is what you're bringing to that? I won't allow it."

"Shit." She was actually right. If I had to talk to Louis, I couldn't do it looking like this. The school had let us write finals out of uniform, so I'd just been picking clothes that were comfortable, and that I could throw on quickly. I don't know if Louis had ever cared about that sort of thing, but I was suddenly nervous.

"Correct." Ellie smirked. "Go hop in the shower again for a few seconds. I'll pick out some things for you to wear, and then we'll sort out your hair - but I need you to wet it."

Once I got out of the shower, she put me in something casual enough that I wouldn't specifically look like I'd dressed up for an exam but, according to her, still made me look 'dreamy.' I didn't complain, because the t-shirt and jeans combo was still comfortable enough to write an exam in, and they'd be warm enough for when we were on the beach afterwards.

She artfully arranged my hair, did her cologne spraying trick, and I sat drying while she went through my notes and asked me questions. It was almost a relief to have her drag my mind back to the final. By the time we'd left, and finished the drive over to the school - during which she'd kept asking me questions - I'd almost completely forgotten about Louis.

It helped that, due to the way the tables were arranged, he sat somewhere behind me, far to my right. I was in the second row, so the only person directly in front of me was Caitlyn. Without turning - which you didn't want to do, in case someone thought you were cheating - I could only see a handful of people. I saw Louis come in, but it was close enough to the start of the test that I didn't get a chance to catch his eye and try to figure out how he was feeling.

Then we got going, and it was pretty easy to tune everything else out. For a while, at least. I finished early, and checked my answers. It all looked good, but I didn't want to leave too quickly. No one else was done anyway, but I also usually liked to double and triple check my paper. I was just taking a quick break between checks, because I could usually catch mistakes I'd been missing if I did.

I tried to look around, and distract myself from thinking about Louis too much. There wasn't a whole lot I could look at, anyway. Caitlyn was clearly also done - aside from Sue and me, she'd always been pretty strong at the subject, so it made sense that she'd also be finished earlier. Sue was probably already done, but she'd never leave a test early - she'd just repeat her checks, over and over, until the examiner kicked her out.

Angela, like me, would only ever do about two or three checks and then leave. So it wasn't surprising when she walked into my field of view, set her paper down in the cardboard box at the front desk, and serenely glided out of the hall. Caitlyn's head snapped up to watch her - probably not the only person, since the people who left early always freaked the others out a bit.

Caitlyn started rifling through her paper very quickly then, and soon she was getting up too, tossing it in the box, and marching off in the same direction as Angela. It was her trademark competitive spirit, I guess. I was going to take my time and check carefully, but now that I knew Angela was waiting outside, and I had someone to talk to while I waited for Ellie and Louis, I was more willing to finish up.

It didn't take me long, and I was satisfied that if I'd made a mistake, it was probably too well hidden for me to find. I didn't look up on my way out - I assumed Sue would be giving me a death-glare for leaving early, and Louis... Well, I wasn't sure if he'd even look at me yet. But you also didn't want the examiner to think you were trying to communicate, so I had other reasons to just get out quickly.

I didn't immediately find Angela on my way out, which was slightly weird, but I assumed she was in the bathroom or something. So I did a circuit of the main school building, because I had nothing else to do, and by the time I got back around where I'd started, she was waiting there, a slightly gloomy look on her face.

"Hey. Did it go okay?" I hope she hadn't left early because she was giving up.

"Hi." She shook her head, and I wondered if I'd just imagined her expression. "Oh, yes. It went well, I think. You?"

I shrugged, and grinned. "Ah, yeah, all good. Think I got everything."

She nodded. "Well, in that case, can I ask what you got for question eleven? The matrix one. I think it tripped me up a bit."

"Sure."

I tried my best to recall what I'd given as my answer, and she'd seemed satisfied with the bits of it I could piece together. She pulled out a book and I aimlessly played on my phone, while we waited for everyone else to finish. Ellie was out next, and came to sit down next to us. Weirdly, instead of starting to chat - she wasn't the fan of silence that Angela and I were - she started to text me.

[Don't hate me.]

______________[What now?]

[Jamie's coming with us to this lunch thing afterwards. Sara invited him, because he's Jess's date for the dance.]

______________[Okay. That seems... fine?]

[I just thought, given the thing with Louis, it might be a bit awkward.]

______________[Oh]

______________[Shit.]

[I can tell him not to come?]

______________[That might look even weirder.]

[Right. Well, I'll make sure Louis knows Sara invited him, not you.]

______________[Gracefully, if you can.]

[You know me :D]

I sighed. Louis had that weird hangup about me and Jamie, and the guy actually being around probably wouldn't be helpful. But Ellie had been right, earlier that morning - the two of us just really needed to talk. It just didn't seem like we'd be having any luck. Jamie and Louis both stayed until the end of the session, and came out chatting to each other, which felt like the last thing on earth I needed.

***

From school, we drove to Sarah's house to join the rest of the group, and from there we walked to the restaurant. Ellie managed to grab Louis and keep him walking with her, so that seemed like a good sign, but I realised - as I got stuck in dull conversation about soccer with John, Jamie and Vince - that it could have been a better time for me to have talked to Louis instead.

Once we sat down at the restaurant, Ellie nudged my leg and gave me a subtle thumbs-up. I hoped that she had managed to tell him about Sara inviting Jamie without making it seem like a big deal. But Louis was being awkward around me anyway - not making eye-contact, and not directly talking to me. It didn't feel great. And it didn't help that Jamie was also staring at me a lot when he thought I wasn't looking.

At least we were still all fairly cheered up by the fact that we were done with exams now, and lunch was so raucous and noisy that I don't think anyone even noticed that Louis and I weren't interacting very naturally with each other. It was almost enough to make me forget about how I felt - trading light-hearted sarcastic barbs with Mel, chatting about movies and holiday plans with John and Gary, laughing along with everyone else at Vince's antics, and having some meaningful conversation about future plans with Angela.

By the time we got back to Sara's house, I'd only just gotten nervous about being around Louis again. In theory, I could talk to him easily now. Jamie hadn't come back with us - he'd had other people to hang out with, after lunch. And there was enough space for the group to spread out, so Louis and I could wind up alone together. In theory, anyway.

I still wasn't entirely sure what I was going to say to him, so I didn't really try to seek him out. It seemed like he wasn't too eager to immediately be alone with me again either, and he spent most of the time chatting with John and Vince.

Angela and I ended up sitting together as the sun started to set, and the fire that John and Gary had lit got going. Sue hadn't come with us after lunch, either - she hated the beach, and wanted to go see her boyfriend, who she hadn't even talked to since exams had started. So outside of Ellie and Louis, and Sara to a lesser extent, Angela didn't really know anyone here.

I was happy to sit and talk with her. Not only did it help me put off the Louis thing, but Angela was a calming influence, a lot like he was, and I kind of needed that. She looked so relaxed now that exams were over. She'd let her brown hair loose, and her glasses were packed away somewhere safely in her bag.

I'd met her parents once, and they were kind of hippies, insofar as that was still a thing - her dad had long hair and a beard, and her mom was almost always barefoot. It seemed genetic now, with her twisting her toes in the sand and smiling softly at me, her blue eyes calm as a lake.

"So, are you planning anything for the holidays?" I asked her.

"Just some quiet time with family. I won't be eighteen until the beginning of next year, so I won't be going up to Ballito." She shrugged. "Not that I'd want to."

"Yeah, I'm not so sure about it myself." Ballito was a town a few hours up the coast where most high school students migrated to for the summer break after their last year, and a whole industry - pop-up clubs, concerts, and lots of accommodation - had sprung up around it in the last decade or so. Ellie was still trying to convince me, but it didn't really sound like my thing.

"Well, I'm sure if most of the people here go, you'll have fun." She leaned back in her chair and surveyed the group. "You know, I think this is the most social I've been since I transferred to Elohim."

"Same." I nodded. "Is it weird that we've been working on school work together for so long, but we've only just become friends this year?"

She pursed her lips thoughtfully and then, after a short while, shook her head. "I think it's unfortunate, more than anything. It's been great getting to know you a bit better this year."

"You too."

"Thanks. But, no, I don't actually think it's unusual - at all - that we struggled to make friends. Even with each other. I think we were both working through some things, and everything seemed so new." She scrunched up her face. "And when we met, we were both at that age where any girl and boy who show the slightest interest in spending time together are assumed to be dating. Or pressured to start."

I laughed, and rubbed the back of my neck. As it was, some of the guys I'd hung out with over the years were always assuming I was dating either Angela or Sue. And that was just because I'd do homework or group projects with them sometimes. It would have been much worse if we'd ever hung out socially. "Yeah, that wouldn't really have worked out."

"No." She chuckled, and relaxed back into her seat. "So, no, I don't think this could have gone another way, really. But I'm pleased we're close now, at least, and I hope we stay in touch. And I'm grateful you trusted me enough to come out to me."

I smiled, nodded, and didn't say anything. After a brief period of silence, she looked at me thoughtfully.

"I've been thinking about this a fair amount, actually." She leaned forward, and brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. "About these friendships, and other things. There's a lot of wasted time behind us, and after tomorrow - school is over. We're all moving on."

"So does that mean there's no point trying?" My eyes wandered over to Louis, and then snapped back to her when I realised where I was looking.

She gave me a knowing smile. "No. The opposite, in fact. The time's already been wasted, and we can't get that back. But finals are over - we don't have to worry about anything until university starts. And the clock is now ticking. It's time to get the things you really want. Hang out with the people you want to hang out with, do the things you want to do. Love the people you want to love."

She gave me a pointed look, and I laughed and looked back at Louis. "But what if what I want is bad? Not for me, but for other people."

"Well, then surely they get to decide what's good for them and what's not. Don't they?"

"I guess."

"I'm assuming I no longer need to be coy about that, given that you won't stop staring at him."

I laughed, and shook my head. "You know too much."

"It's hardly a well-kept secret." She grinned. "But honestly, I think you and Louis both need to be a bit more honest with each other, and with yourselves."

"I'll bear that in mind."

"Please do. I can't go around fixing everyone's problems. I've got enough of my own."

"Oh really?"

"Nothing I want to talk about." She laughed, and leaned back in her chair. Her tone was calm and confident, but she was blushing slightly.

"Fine, fine." I shrugged. "But it's not like you don't know all of my business."

"Well, I don't broadcast mine for anyone with eyes to see."

"Ouch."

She smiled, shrugged, and took another sip of her drink. I chuckled softly, and we lapsed back into a comfortable silence. For me, it was a fairly thoughtful one. The thing about letting Louis decide if I was a bad choice was hard to come to terms with. Because what if he thought I was? At least if I was the one that made that call, that he deserved better - and I really believed he did - it wouldn't break my heart in quite the same way.

Maybe Ellie was right, too. And that the two of us really needed to talk. But how was I supposed to do that? My throat clammed up at the idea of even starting to broach the topic. Looking back on what I'd done this year, I couldn't imagine why he'd be okay with that, when the prize was me.

Ellie came and sat down next to Angela, and the two of them started chatting about their dresses. Ellie pulled out her phone, and they started scrolling through pictures. "It's a lace-up corset, so it's going to take me ages to get into, but you should see how it looks on me. I've mostly sewn it myself, but my mom's done some of the more complicated stuff, so it looks great."

"It's absolutely lovely." Angela said, "I'm sure you'll look amazing."

"Thanks." Ellie beamed.

I dragged myself out of my chair. "I'm going to the bathroom."

"Did I scare you away with all this girly talk?" Ellie raised her eyebrows, and dramatically jabbed her phone in my direction.