One More Year

My resolve to not text Eric started wavering as the week wore on. I missed him, and when he still hadn't messaged me by Friday afternoon, I eventually caved. My brain still wasn't capable of making good choices and, if anything, his silence had only annoyed me more.

______________[So are you just never talking to me again?]

[I just thought you needed a chance to calm down.]

Motherfucker.

______________[I was kind of hoping you'd apologise.]

[I did apologise, but it wasn't good enough.]

______________[Right, because I'm the bad guy.]

[That's not what I meant.]

[We should talk.]

______________[Fine. Come over.]

[No, we should go somewhere.]

______________[Why?]

[I just want to go somewhere]

And I want a boyfriend who's not an asshole, I thought. But I started trying to behave, since I knew I wasn't being entirely rational. We settled on a place, and when I phoned Ellie to tell her about where we were going, and when, she had an interesting response.

"I'm coming with you."

"What, like a chaperone?" I asked sceptically.

"No, like moral support. Plus, that mall has two boutique dress shops, and I'm still toying with the idea of buying something off the rack for the dance and just making changes, if it's unique enough. It'll be so much easier. Just phone me when you leave and pick me up in front of my house. I'll be ready."

Sure enough, she was waiting for me on the sidewalk when I arrived. She tried to be glib and encouraging on the drive over, but I kept catching her giving me worried glances, and when we were done parking and walked into the mall, she gave me a very fierce hug before running off to look for her dresses. I headed to the cafe Eric had mentioned. He was already there and had a table, so I joined him and the waitress took my order for a tea.

"I'm glad you came."

"Why wouldn't I have?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "But it wouldn't be the first time you left me hanging to prove a point."

I sat there fuming, but said nothing. There was very little I could say that wouldn't make it worse. Nothing I could think of, certainly. I just didn't understand why he was being like this. Until I did, I would probably just have to keep wrestling with how angry he was making me, and try not to say anything stupid. It felt so unfair, after the thing with Jess - all I wanted was some time to just be happy together again. But I didn't know how to make that happen. Not when he was being like this.

"What did you want to talk about anyway?" I eventually managed to ask, in what I hoped was an even tone. I felt a flare of annoyance and exhaustion, like I didn't even want to be there with him. Pushing that down - trying to let it go - I waited, as patiently as I could, while he built up the nerve to talk to me.

He looked like he might be sick, and took a deep breath before speaking. "I... I can't do this any more."

Jesus Christ. Like the fighting was my fault. All my hard-won self-control crumbled. "Then stop fucking with my emotions. Holy shit, Eric, I really like you, but these past couple of weeks you've been putting me through-"

"Jay, that's not what I mean." He interrupted me, wincing. "I know I haven't been great. But it's because I've kind of been dealing with... I don't know how to tell you this. I just can't do this any more."

"What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?" I glared at him. "What exactly, Eric, is it that you can't do any more?"

"I can't be with a guy."

That I was not expecting. It felt like the world at that moment changed to a much colder, more confusing place. It was as if I'd snapped out of a vaguely unpleasant dream, only to fall right into an absolute nightmare. Not quite trusting that I had actually heard what he'd really just said, I looked away for a second. I cleared my throat, and turned back to face him.

"What?" I croaked.

"Listen, I know you won't understand," he said quickly, with a slightly wild look in his eyes. "But I did tell you I could be attracted to girls as well, and I-"

"You said-" I interrupted, but then shook my head. It was difficult - impossible - to get out all the words, and I didn't know how to begin. My anger was rising, and I could hear my heart thumping in my ears. I felt like I could black out, or even like I wanted to hit him. "Is it Jess?"

"What? NO, Jay. No. It has nothing to do with her." LIAR! Everything in me screamed. I had no way of knowing, of course, but I just couldn't believe him. "I'm so sorry, Jay. I promise it's not about you. It's just about... my beliefs. I just don't feel like I'm going down the right path any more, you know? This isn't me. It's not who I want to be any more. I promise it's nothing personal."

It sure fucking felt personal. It felt so very, very personal. The whole time I'd been mad with him, I'd had this longing for how we were at the beginning - cautious, playful, exhilarated. I just wanted to go back to that. Because I had never been that happy before.

But he just wanted an escape route. Or a better option. Anything but me, basically. I felt my annoyance and shock vanish, to be replaced by something harsher and colder. Like an iron door slamming shut. "So what am I? Collateral damage in your journey of self discovery?"

"No! Jay, I care about you. I never wanted to hurt you."

"You care about me?" I laughed bitterly. "That's why you're doing this here? In a public place, where I can't cause a scene. Yeah, you fucking care."

"Jay, that's not fair, I-"

"Oh, FUCK OFF!" It occurred to me that I'd maybe said that a bit loudly, and I carefully modulated my voice. "What's fucking fair about this? Fair would have been you leaving me the hell alone in the first place. Fair would be you not acting like an asshole for weeks and then dropping this fucking bomb on my head. Do you REALLY think I'm the one who needs to be 'fair' here?"

"Okay, I can understand why you're upset, and I'm really sorry."

I scoffed. "I'm shocked that you can scratch together that much empathy, you fucking sociopath."

"Jay." He looked at me reproachfully.

"I can just leave." The realisation blasted through me. I had barely registered that I had even said it out loud. I just felt an urgent desire to be on my own. Away from the other people in the restaurant whose eyes flicked towards me whenever I got too loud. Away from anyone who could look at my expression and wonder what I was thinking. Away from Eric. I stood up mechanically.

"Jay, please don't go." He looked up at me desperately. "I want to make sure you're okay. I still want to be friends."

"I am not okay." My voice sounded so cold to me - it was like I was a different person. "And I'm NOT your friend."

"Jay."

"Go fuck yourself, Eric."

I stormed out of the cafe, seething with rage, right past the waitress who was carrying my tea to the table. I didn't bother to look back to see if Eric was watching me - I just quickly made my way out of what would be his line of sight and texted Ellie.

______________ [I need to go.]

______________ [Now.]

[Okay]

[I'm close to the parking lot anyway]

[I'll meet you there]

She was waiting for me next to my car by the time I got there, a worried frown on her face. "Are you okay?"

"Eric broke up with me." I heard myself say in a flat voice.

"Oh, Jay," she said. "I'm so sorry. I-"

Her voice was cut off as I got in the car and slammed the door.

She opened the passenger door, but didn't get in. "Uh, do you want me to drive?"

"Okay." I hopped over in the passenger seat and closed the door, while she made her way around the car.

She got in and spent a moment adjusting the seat and mirrors. A distant part of my brain flickered in annoyance that I'd have to put it all back later. Then she started the car, and we spent a few minutes in complete silence as she navigated out of the parking lot.

"Are you okay?" Her voice had a slight tremble.

I said nothing. It hadn't even really registered that she'd been talking to me.

"Jay."

"What?"

"Are you okay?" she asked softly.

I sat there for a second. My knee-jerk response was just to tell her I was fine, but I couldn't get the words out. In my head, the phrase 'I'm fine' sounded so ridiculous I nearly started laughing.

"No," I said.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"No."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Stop talking." It came out sounding a lot harsher than I had intended, and she instantly went quiet.

We spent the rest of the drive in silence, and eventually she pulled around the corner to my house, and parked my car in its usual spot. We both got out quietly, and she handed me my keys. Then she grabbed me in another fierce hug.

"I'm so sorry." She let go quickly, then walked away from me and around the corner.

I entered through the front door and grabbed some leftover pizza from the fridge. Not that I was sure I wanted anything to eat, but I needed a plausible way to skip dinner without being bugged by my family. I texted my mom, telling her I had food and that I'd be in my room hunkering down for my test, which would pretty much guarantee me some alone time. Then I put the pizza away in my mini fridge and locked both my doors.

I began to pace mechanically, clenching and unclenching my fists as I went. My mind was still having trouble settling down on any one thing - snippets of what Eric had said to me rearranged themselves and played back to me in strange sequences. I felt like if I concentrated hard enough there was a secret code there that I could break, and it would just fix everything. But no matter how hard I tried, nothing revealed itself - no pattern emerged, and the events of the day remained fixed in reality.

When I realised that it wasn't going to work, I began to hate everything. I hated Eric - what the fuck had even been the point of him coming into my life, if he was just going to do this? I hated Jessica. This was all her goddamn fault. I even, for a second, hated Ellie. A part of me knew it wasn't fair, and didn't believe it, but I just hated the fact that she'd seen me after... After. That she'd pitied me. It was infuriating.

My pacing took me right up to my bedside table and, looking down, I saw Eric's thoughtful Valentine's Day gift that I'd left there - the copy of Pride and Prejudice. My hate coalesced on that damn book - it represented something that my whole body screamed needed to be destroyed. I grabbed it and began ripping handfuls of pages out at a time, throwing them on the floor. When there were no more pages left I tried to rip the cover, but it was thick, laminated cardboard and wouldn't give, so I crumpled it up and stomped on it.

Stepping back, I examined the mess, and was suddenly hit with a wave of exhaustion. I was panting, I could hear my heart beating in my ears and my hands were shaking. It felt like I'd been going without sleep for days. I sat down on my bed, and kicked off my shoes, and quietly contemplated the scattered pages on the floor. Eventually, I got uncomfortable, so I shifted until I was partially lying down.

***

Next thing I knew, I was waking up, groggy and dry-mouthed, to my phone's alarm. There were a blissful few moments of confusion, and then reality reasserted itself and I remembered what had happened yesterday. I shuffled out of bed to shower and get dressed, then I poured myself some orange juice and tossed a few slices of pizza into the microwave.

I sat there eating my unhealthy breakfast, and paging through my notes for the test. Revision tests rarely worried me. We'd already been tested on all the material before - the most recent stuff, just two weeks ago. And with Eric not talking to me for most of the week, I'd spent a lot of time obsessing over everything else to distract myself - even AP maths. I'd managed to do every practise question paper over the week, and even had time to circle back to my problem areas. Everything made sense - in the limited confines of mathematics, at least.

I heard my phone go off when the time to leave drew close. It was Ellie.

[You going in today?]

______________[Yes, there's a test.]

[I think there will be a make-up test, next term]

[You could skip it]

______________[I've studied for it.]

______________[I'm going.]

[Hold on, I'm coming over.]

______________[Why?]

There was no response. I went out to open my gate for her, and then we headed inside without saying a word. She was quiet this morning - cautious, I guess. I felt a pang of guilt, and turned away from her to finish packing up my bag. She paced around the room.

"Bad book?" Ellie had wandered near the bed, and was busy stepping over the torn pages and crumpled cover.

"Good book." I sighed, turning to face her. "It was a gift."

"Ah." She bit her lip, and sat down at my table. "Do you want to do anything after the test? Like we could go to the beach, or get ice cream or something."

"No."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I looked away. "There's nothing to talk about."

"Okay." Her tone was soft. "Do you want to go now?"

"Not yet. I want to arrive just on time." Louis was going to be there, and my brain was already going into a flat panic at the thought of talking to one of Eric's friends. Even Louis, who'd been nothing but kind to me, would still make me think of what I'd just lost. I didn't know if I could bear that.

"Why?"

I sighed. "I kind of just want to get in and get out."

"Right. We can do that. I can also tell Louis not to talk to you, if you want."

I almost winced at her helpful tone, and the way she'd immediately realised what my problem was. She was being a great friend, and I was suddenly by a pang of guilt at the way I'd treated her.

"It's fine." I grimaced, tugging at my collar. "Sorry about yesterday. I was kind of rude."

"You were fine." She reached across and squeezed my shoulder. "Really."

"Thanks." I attempted to smile.

"Let's go now, and wait in the car if we have to." She got up. "I'll be quiet. I promise."

"Okay." I grabbed my bag.

Ellie picked up my notes. "I wouldn't mind a quick look at these, anyway."

True to her word, she didn't say anything on the drive over, and while we waited in the school parking lot she quietly poured over the notes. When there were only a couple of minutes to go until the test started, we made our way to the classroom and sat down. I sat down near the front, with Angela and Sue, as usual, and Ellie made her way over to sit next to Louis.

The test was easy, which was a problem. I finished very early, and by the time I was done checking, double-checking and triple-checking my answers, I still had half an hour left to wait. We weren't allowed to leave early for this one, so I just had to sit there alone with my thoughts. By the time we were let out, I was feeling anxious and irritable, and it didn't help when I looked up and saw Louis and Ellie approaching me together.

"Hey, Jay," Louis said with a sad smile.

I didn't want to talk to him right at that moment, but it was a little late for that. Remembering how I'd snapped at Ellie the day before though, I did my best to keep my tone friendly. "Hey, Louis."

"We don't have to go get that stuff today, if you don't want to."

"Oh, shit." We'd arranged to buy the things we needed for the science project, after the test. The general idea was that, afterwards, we'd be stress-free and able to be creative, since we'd have to improvise for some of our material choices. "Sorry. I completely forgot."

"That's okay, we can do it whenever."

"Thanks," I said. "I'm probably no good for that today."

He just nodded sympathetically.

"Wasn't Jay going to be your ride though?" Ellie asked.

"That's fine, I'll just call my mom." Louis said. "I can hang around here for a couple of hours, right?"

"A couple of hours?" Ellie gasped. "If you need to wait that long you can come back and wait at one of our houses."

"That might be nicer." Louis fidgeted with a button on his shirt. "I think she's busy today, so I don't know when she'll be done."

"Jay?" Ellie gave me a pointed look.

"Um, yeah. Okay." I didn't know if I wanted to hang out with Louis for hours. I liked him, really, and he hadn't made me think much of Eric so far, but he probably eventually would. And I also wasn't sure where we stood now - after how I'd been with Eric, it would probably be weird for me to carry on being friends with his friends.

But I also felt like I wasn't going to be able to make Ellie keep him company when it was my fault he was at a loose end today. It just didn't feel right. She'd probably also have something to say about how it would be rude of me to abandon Louis, and knowing her, she probably wouldn't wait to be alone to do it.

Something did occur to me, as we climbed into my car. "Uh, Louis. I can just drop you at home if you want."

Ellie leaned forward conspiratorially. "OR..."

"Here we go." I felt a sense of inevitability.

"We can drive up to Avalon, and get day-drunk on cocktails to celebrate the end of the term."

She would know I wouldn't want to do anything. Why was she pushing me to hang out with Louis when we didn't have to? I had to resist the urge to glare at her. "The term ends on Wednesday."

"Whatever." She scoffed. "This was our last test, and we don't have any projects or homework due next week. The term is over. Let's celebrate. I want to get DRUNK."

I sighed, but it turned into a light laugh. Ellie gave me a mischievous look, and turned towards the back seat.

"Louis?" she asked.

"It's more fun than what we were going to do." He shrugged, and looked up at me through the mirror.

I bit my lip. Louis wasn't to blame for what Eric had done, and he'd always been very kind. Besides, I was now roped into a school project with him. Not seeing him was not going to be an option for a while. I blew some air through my lips. "Fine, let's get day-drunk."

Ellie squealed in delight, and I started up the car and headed up the coast. Ellie and Louis mostly talked to each other the whole way, letting me quietly drive. It provided a nice distraction from having to think about anything else. I could just focus on the road and sporadically pay attention whenever my mind would otherwise have had time to drift.

We got to the place Ellie had suggested - a small restaurant right on the beach - and their conversation carried on seamlessly into the arrival of even the second round of cocktails. Once again, the alcohol had loosened me up, and I was beginning to participate.

"As fun as the science project stuff is, I'm enjoying this a lot more." Louis said.

"Yeah." I managed a slight smile, although it felt very fake. "We can do that tomorrow, if you're up for it. I'd like to get it done before the holidays."

"I can, but..." He grimaced. "Let's maybe just wait until next week. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine." I said, convincingly. I even wondered to myself if it might not have been true. "I'm out having cocktails with friends. Eric can go fuck himself."

"Wow." Ellie clapped her hands together, smiling. "Forceful. I approve."

"Sorry, Louis." I said quickly. "I know he's still your friend."

"Yeah, maybe." He shrugged. "I'm pretty pissed off with him myself. Oh, and Melissa is too - she told me to tell me she's on your side."

"I don't want you guys taking sides. I feel like you've been friends forever."

"No, it's fine, seriously." He looked at me directly. "This might seem kind of weird, but the stuff that's happening between Eric and the rest of us - it's not entirely about you."

Ellie raised her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"Sorry, I really shouldn't bring it up." Louis rubbed his cheek. "But I promise you, it's something we've been tense about for a while. I just don't want you to think you've caused all this group drama."