In what seemed like only a few minutes later, I woke up with a start. My arms were empty, I had been covered with a blanket and I was alone. I sat up and looked around for David but he was nowhere to be seen.
I pulled on my trousers and searched for David, eventually finding him sitting out on the balcony drinking coffee and watching the sunrise.
"Do you ever sleep?" I asked.
"Not a lot," he smiled at me and handed me a cup and filled it from the carafe on the small table next to him. "Isn't it beautiful?" he gestured towards the horizon.
I could see the sun's early light reflected in his dark eyes, and it seemed more beautiful than anything I had ever seen before. But I couldn't help but notice the dark circles that were beginning to form under them, "you barely sleep, you hardly eat, what is it that keeps you going?" I sat down in the chair opposite him and took a sip of the coffee.
"Lots of black coffee," he laughed, then he set his cup down, and gathered his robe tighter around him, "it's a bit chilly this morning."
"Why don't you come inside and I'll warm you up?" I offered, placing my hand on his arm and stroking the soft material that covered it.
"Nice thought, but I have to be at the studio by seven," he stood up, drained the last of his coffee and opened the patio door, "you don't need to rush though. Stay as long as you want."
"David, please wait a moment..."
He turned back towards me a slight frown on his face, "what is it?"
I wanted to tell him that he needed to take care of himself, or let me take care of him, or something to let him know that I was worried about him, but the look on his face made those words stop in my throat. Instead I joked, "I didn't get a kiss from you."
His frown quickly turned to a smile, he walked back to me kissed me on the lips, briefly, and then said, "that will have to do for now. Please lock up when you leave." And then he disappeared into the flat.
When I was alone I decided to do a bit of snooping. I fought the guilt as I looked around, but I told myself I was just trying to get a better understanding of David. He was not very forthcoming when it came to talking about himself, and I reasoned that this might help me get to know him better. His closet was organised to the point of being a bit scary; all his shirts were hung neatly and arranged by colour, as were the dress trousers and the suits. His shoes were lined up almost as if he used a ruler and on the shelves were neat piles of jumpers. His chest of drawers was again exceedingly neat, and held no surprises.
Finding nothing of great interest in his bedroom, I wandered into the bathroom and I opened the medicine cabinet. Tucked behind the shaving crème and after-shave were a neat row of prescription bottles, I recognised a couple of them, one being a garden-variety decongestant and the other being ibuprofen to be taken as needed. The others I had to jot down on a piece of paper off a tablet I found in his bedroom next to the phone, with the idea of looking them up later.
I had no scenes that day so I used David's shower to wash up and then headed home. I fired up my computer and searched on the names of the drugs I had written down, the first one turned out to be a motion sickness pill, frequently prescribed for people going on ocean cruises according to the website I found. Nothing terribly exciting, I mused, and typed in the next one. The next one turned out to be a fairly heavy-duty sleeping pill, given how many there were left in the bottle, explained why David didn't sleep much, he obviously wasn't taking them.
It wasn't until I got to the last one that I was rocked back on my heels. I read the words on the screen and sat back in my chair. I closed my eyes trying to picture how many pills were in the bottle, did it look dusty? Was he still taking them or, like the sleeping pills, had he given up on them? David's rapid mood swings, his hyper activity, and everything else I had carefully avoided dwelling on made sense.
I spent the rest of the morning and afternoon trying to figure out how to approach the subject with David. If I came right out with it, I would have to admit to sneaking around behind his back and snooping where I shouldn't have been. A part of me wished I had just minded my own business and left well enough alone. But on the other hand, his health was important to me, I wanted him in my life for a long time. I knew what time he would be done filming so I headed over to the set and waited for him at his trailer.
Eventually David appeared, "you look like you've seen a ghost" he joked as he opened the door and stepped inside.
"After you left, I went looking for some aspirin, for a headache I felt coming on," I lied, sitting down on the chair while he started to change out of his costume into his own clothes.
He didn't react, just slipped off the suit jacket and hung it up. He had gotten the shirt mostly unbuttoned and turned to look at me expectantly, "and?" he prompted, and turned back to the task at hand.
"I couldn't help but notice the prescription bottles," I ventured.
"Yes, well, if I had really not wanted you to see them I would have hidden them John. I know you're a nosy bastard," He slipped off the suit trousers, hung them up and stood before me only in his pants and vest, "so where is this all going?"
"I am just concerned about you..." I faltered, not being able to say what I really wanted to with him staring at me, his face totally still and the cold look in his eyes.
"Gee, thanks. I don't know how I got on all these years without that," he slipped on his jeans and sat down to put on his shoes, "OK now that you have come to say what you wanted to say, you can go now. I'm sure that your discoveries have put things in a new light and that's not the first or last time that has happened."
I watched him finish dressing my mind racing with everything I wanted to say, but nothing came out of my mouth until he slipped on his jacket and started to leave the trailer, "David, wait!" I called to him. He stopped, and put his hands in his pockets, but said nothing. I took a deep breath, "I just wish you trusted me enough to tell me these things."
A wry grin played on his face, "it's not something that comes up in a normal conversation. When would you suggest I work that in? 'Hi, I'm David, I'm an Aries and I like long walks on the beach, watching sunrises, holding hands and...' seriously John, it would send people screaming..."
I couldn't help but smile, "you're right, the 'long walks on the beach' would scare anyone off."
"Exactly!" he gave a little half smile back, then his face grew serious, "I appreciate your concern, but this is something I've been dealing with most of my life, and I'm fine."
"You're not fine, have you seriously looked at yourself lately? You're far too skinny, you hardly sleep and if I don't miss my guess you aren't taking the medications are you?"
He turned away from me for a moment and then turned back leaning in just inches from my face, "here's something to think about John; I don't need another father, I have one already. If you want to be my lover, my friend, then you are just going to have to trust me. If you can't then I don't want or need you in my life."
"I can't worry about you?" I replied.
"Yes, of course you can, and lord knows I can't stop you, but this is not up for discussion. I don't want your advice. I don't need your pity or that way you are looking at me like I'm some sort of specimen on a slide. I had to put up with that from my own family growing up and I won't have it now, not from you or anyone else!" With that he started to walk away, but before he got out of earshot he turned back, "by the way, the aspirin was in the kitchen, right on the counter top, you couldn't have missed it."
I just stood there watching him walk away from me.
"I told you he was damaged goods," I heard from behind me. I turned to see Phil with a smirk on his face.
"You knew this all along, and you didn't tell me?" I turned to face him.
"You bet I knew it, you know we have to get medical exams and histories on all our actors. For instance, I know how often you get an HIV test and how many times Mollie's had cosmetic work done. I tried to warn you, John." Phil patted me on the shoulder, "Your sweet little David is a loony, he's usually a well-medicated loony so you'd never know, but have you ever noticed his wrists? Check it out some time. He tried to top himself when he was sixteen. I've paid a lot to keep that out of the press."
"Well, he isn't 16 now..." I argued.
"Yes, but he's still a loony."
I grabbed him by the collar of his jacket lifting him off his feet, pulling him up to my eye level, "stop calling him that! So he has problems, we all do, but he's a very nice person and he doesn't deserve your scorn!" I hissed, "I still love him and I think you're just jealous, because David loves me!"
"Suit yourself," Phil twisted out of my grasp, "I wish you all the luck in the world John, I mean that from the bottom of my heart, but just in case I'd hide all the sharp knives."
His smirk made my fists itch, I really wanted to punch him, but I took a deep breath and willed my self to calm down, "he is more of a man than you could ever be, Phil. And there is nothing in the world you could say or do to make me change the way I feel for him."
That night, after I returned to my flat, my words to Phil echoed in my head. I really wanted to believe that knowing what I now knew didn't change my feelings for David, but was it the truth?
In a moment of painful clarity it hit me that I was so in love with the idea of being in love with him that I had built him up to an ideal, that was so unfair, that finding out he was only human after all was a disappointment.
I closed my eyes and replayed our last encounter in my head. I saw the way David looked at me, his dark eyes showing his vulnerability; wanting me to say it was OK, that I still loved him, even though he acted as if it didn't matter. Why didn't I tell him then? What held me back?
I opened my eyes and without thinking reached for the phone, and began dialing his number, it rang once and then I hung up. This was not something I could do over the phone, I reasoned. I need to see his face.
I stood up and got to the door, but what if he wouldn't see me? I pictured standing outside his flat talking to thin air. My indecision froze me in place, so when a knock came on my door the sound made my heart jump in my chest.
I opened the door to a small dark man holding a package for me, I recognised the uniform as being a local courier's firm, but was puzzled as to who would be sending me something at this hour. Inside was the green hoodie I had lent David, held it to my face, hoping to get his scent when a note fell out. It read, "this time I have a corsage."
I puzzled over that one; it was obviously from David but the words made no sense at first, then it hit me. I ran out of my flat, hailed a cab and hoped I was right.
I got to the bar and tried to peer inside before going in, hedging my bet, but the years of cigarette smoke had made the already dark windows even darker. I stepped inside my eyes scanning the bar and not seeing David I turned to leave. One of the barmen stopped me, and without a word handed me a see-through box that contained a single orchid and some green fronds pierced by a large pin. Attached to the small box was another note, this one just said, "look behind you."
I turned to see David standing there, without a word he took the box from me, opened it and pinned the corsage to my shirt. Then he stood back, cocked his head at me, gave me a sly smile and then turned to walk towards a booth in the back of the bar. I followed him and took the seat opposite.
