Not in That Way

Hey guys! Here's something a little bit different. I had this idea for a story and actually wrote one of the final scenes first. This one is told in a series of flashbacks- so I hope it's not too confusing to follow along. It's also a slow burn. I'm not too sure how long I want this to be, but it'll definitely go at least four chapters. As always, thanks for reading and let me know what you guys think.

Ch. 01: Dustin is caught between a rock and a hard place

It's not easy being friends with someone like Gabe.

There's just this force of energy that consumes everyone who enters his orbit- whether it's his golden brown skin or that boyish smile that can be made out in a sea of strangers. He pulls you in. And once you come face to face with those clear blue eyes, you're lucky if you make it out in one piece.

I know this because out of everyone in the world- every godforsaken soul he could have tormented- he considers me his closest friend.

Some days, I really wish I wasn't.

***

Gabe and I met back in the middle of high school- when most kids already had their friend groups established. I had a couple friends I hung out with, mostly guys I'd grown up with. For the most part, everything was light with them: we'd hang out on occasion and I always had a place to sit at lunch, and so I never really read much into the company I kept. I wouldn't say we were all that close, but it was better than having no friends at all.

And then Gabe came along and shifted everything off balance. I remember that day very clearly, because it was a series of random encounters. I'd learn later that that's just how Gabe is.

He surfs through life on a wave of serendipity.

We were two weeks into the semester and Gabe had apparently just moved stateside after being in Japan while his dad was stationed there. He was new to town, and after having moved around with his military family, wasn't exactly the best at making friends. I was sitting in my room doing some readings for class the next day when I got a message request from a Gabriel Cruz on Instagram. I clicked on his profile and saw a few wannabe travel shots as well as some pictures of a tanned guy who looked to be around my age. We had no mutual friends- which was odd for a place that small.

I was zooming in on a photo of him standing in front of Tokyo Tower, trying to get a better sense of what he looked like, and where I may have known him from. Then, in what I'd come to realize is true Gabe fashion, he sends me a message, almost like he'd been reading my mind.

"Hey how's it going? My name's Gabe and I just transferred here. Ms. Lee sent over the syllabus and class roster, saying I should connect with someone to help get me up to speed. Down to help a bro out?"

I read that and immediately wondered why he'd chosen me out of everyone in the class. Dustin Green wasn't exactly first on the list- and maybe it's just my lack of confidence, but I didn't feel like there was anything about me to stand out. Still, he seemed like a chill enough person and who was I to turn him down?

We met the next day at a coffee shop not too far from school. I didn't really put much thought into it when I left my house that morning. I figured I'd hand over some notes, summarize some of the lessons and we'd be on our way. Gabriel Cruz would just be another kid I'd see in the halls and occasionally wave to.

The bell at the door went off as I had my back turned, fumbling through my bag in search of notes from the past two weeks. I was met with a deep voice- one that was a few octaves lower than the rest of the guys in class who'd barely hit puberty.

"You're Dustin right?" He asked as he took a seat, not even waiting for an answer before he did.

"Yeah man, just give me a sec- I can't seem to find anything and school's only just started." I said over the sound of crumpled up papers. "I hope this isn't a glimpse of what the rest of the year would be like."

He gave me my first taste of that laugh- the one that would reside in my memory and have me doing whatever i could to hear it again. I turned and was met with the bluest eyes I'd ever seen- eyes that I didn't know could be so bright.

"Cool, I'm Gabe. Thanks for this."

I must have stared for a bit too long with my mouth open because he gave me a chuckle and a wink.

"Not what you expected?" He asked, like he'd been prepared for my response.

I stammered, not really sure how to respond.

"A Mexican guy with blue eyes? I get that all the time" He affirmed, as he pulled out his books, "My mom says it's an anomaly- which sounds a whole lot like her way of calling me different."

I laughed with him, thankful that his ease broke any potential awkwardness. The truth was that, eye color aside, I didn't expect Gabe to be as attractive as he was.

Back in Junior year, I knew the person I was and the fact that I liked guys instead of girls. It was a revelation that came in a series of small, fleeting moments- like the time I lingered on the cute boy stocking the shelves at Target too long that I bumped into the display with my cart, sending dozens of oranges rolling through the aisle. Or there was the time my middle school crush got together with one of my friends and I spent the afternoon pouting in my room. Thinking back now, I was more upset that she was with him, than him being with her. But still, all of those times revolved around temporary people- the stock boy I'd never see again and the friend that I barely hung out with. I only really liked guys from afar.

Gabe was the first crush I've ever had that would remain a constant in my life- I just wouldn't know it yet.

I snapped out of my reflection and met his hand, shaking it as he smiled again. "Well Mr. Anomaly, yes, I'm Dustin. Nice to meet you."

He chuckled, "You definitely win points for the coolest name." He thought for a second with his mind turning. "Dustin." He said again, "It's so close to dust- like you could disappear in a cloud of smoke and be anywhere in the world."

I just smiled along, thinking about what I'd gotten myself into.

"I like that a lot." He said, "I'm gonna call you Dust."

I laughed, wondering just who the hell this Gabriel Cruz kid was. He had this ease about him- having already assigned me a nickname and made himself at home opposite me at this coffee shop. Back then I thought it was weird how he always vocalized every thought that skated through his mind, but that was just who he was.

"Knock yourself out' I said to him, earning me another smile.

What I didn't know at the time was that, right at that moment, some imaginary clock had been set- one that would keep ticking away until finally going off. You see, whenever you develop a crush on someone, it's only a matter of time before you reach that breaking point- that moment when you're forced to make a decision on whether you keep going as is, or whether you try to change the situation.

That wouldn't happen for years down the road, but there were many times I came close to feeling like I needed to do something.

***

It's Friday night and Gabe is dragging me to this club he found not too far away. We're a long way from our partying days back in college. And even now, with both of us having just turned twenty six, it feels like nights like these are getting few and far between.

I don't want to make it seem like we followed each other after high school, because we genuinely didn't. I'd always had my sights set on Berkeley and even though Gabe had his pick of any of the lesser California schools, him getting in as well felt like a sign. It didn't even feel like we were making plans together- rather we both made the decision to attend Cal on our own- like two planets who happened to fall into the same orbit.

We finished out our high school days as best we could. Gabe and I were inseparable, and he became a mainstay at my house- much to the dismay of my older sister Grace. I'd often hear her complaining to our mom about how he's always here, to which Gabe would show her tongue and mom would brush her off. Grace seemed to be the only one not under his spell at the time, though she'd soon come around to him.

Deep down, I knew that they felt sorry for him. Though he was kind and funny and the most handsome person I'd ever met, his home life wasn't all that great. Gabe's parents split up at the tail end of Senior Year with his dad relocating- not even coming back to see us graduate. Still, he took it in stride, reminding himself that he was lucky to have his mom, and me, there for him.

College was somewhat of a blur, and he often brings up those old memories over lots of booze. After our second graduation together, we've settled into modest, yet pricey apartments in the city not too far from each other. To say that we've remained close is an understatement- something that doesn't seem to surprise any of our high school friends who visit from time to time.

Tonight he sounds excited in his texts- which only accentuates how dry my replies are. Normally I'd try and match his energy, but I just couldn't bring myself to pretend to be excited about going out ever since my break-up.

I played it off for the most part, and as much as I'd like to think that Gabe was aloof in what I was going through, I know he just tried to give me the space I needed. It's been three weeks since Tom left, and him pestering me to re-join the outside world has only gotten stronger.

It's no secret that Gabe didn't like Tom. For a while it felt like there was a third person every time we hung out: me, Gabe and the elephant in the room- the one that made it very clear that he didn't like who I was dating. To his credit, he tried to hide it- often trying to include him when we went out or being fair when I'd vent to him whenever we got into a spat. I never drew much attention to it either- because what do you do when your best friend doesn't like your boyfriend?

I was caught between a rock and a hard place.

Gabe's been pushing this for days until finally, after a realization that he won't stop anytime soon, I agree to go out with him. In true Gabe fashion, he called me right after with a smug message.

"Really Dust, was it that hard to say yes to me?" I grunted over the phone and hung up, only to see that he'd sent me a few laughing emoji texts shortly after.

He shows up just after 9, doing his usual three knock routine. I open it just after and get brawled by the boy as he steps into my apartment and surrounds me with a hug.

"Dude it's been like two days, ease up." I say, feeling his hands pressing into my arms.

"I've been waiting for this day, Dust. When you're finally over your ex and ready to move onto-" he winks "and under someone new."

I rolled my eyes as I grabbed my jacket and gestured him out of my apartment. "I agreed to a simple night out- not a hook-up." I lock the door behind us and continue, "And since you're such a good friend, that means no ass for you either."

Normally, I didn't care about whether or not he brought someone home- at least I pretended not to. But this restriction and his newfound sensitivity given my single state, seems like it'll be fun.

Gabe opens his mouth like he's going to say something, but he stops himself. "Okay." He finally says, "Just you and me tonight, bro, like how it's supposed to be."

I smile at that, left to wonder if maybe that's where his resentment towards Tom lies. Maybe he felt like he was getting in between the two of us. Like a guy was somehow going to undo several years of friendship, two awkward coming outs, and a divorce. The answer is that no one has ever come between us. Something that I don't feel the need to tell Gabe.

***

We get to the club and it's packed- so much so that I feel my annoyance brewing as I by-pass groups of people just trying to find a clearing. Gabe doesn't seem to mind. He has this smile plastered on his face that keeps reminding me of how happy he is that I agreed to come. That alone does a lot to ease my mood.

"I'm really glad you said yes tonight, Dust. I've missed you." He hugs me tightly, almost like a bird he's found with a broken wing and nursed back to health.

I play it off, "I went through a break-up, man. I've done it before and I may do it again."

"Hopefully you won't have to anymore." He says, almost mystically. I try not to read too much into it, because if I had it my way, I'd be with him and not have to deal with any other guys for the rest of my life.

Gabe disappears for a few minutes only for me to spot him chatting it up with the bartender. There's a line of people waiting to get drinks, but somehow my friend managed to get to the front and come back with two drinks in hand, in what seemed like no time at all. Everyone else seems annoyed, but he strolls back in the same happy-go-lucky spirit that I know.

"I don't know how you do that" I say, taking a sip of a drink I didn't ask for, yet am pleasantly surprised by.

He shrugs, "It's a gift." He takes a sip of his beer, "One that I use for good, not evil."

It's here when I'm reminded of my crush. Most times when we're together, I manage to stave off these feelings and rest in the reality that we're best friends. But in moments like these, when he's standing really close- close enough that I can smell his cologne- and when he's making sweet and stupid comments to me, I feel like I'm back in high school, fawning over boy who chose to pay attention to me.

He seems to notice that I've drifted because he leans in, asking, "Are you thinking about Tom, again?"

I shake my head, "No actually. I haven't thought about him in a while."

He nods, "Good." He takes another drink, "Tom was fine, but I never understood what you liked about him."

"He's six-two and has more abs than I could count." I joke, getting an eye roll from him.

"Yeah but he also never posted about you online and always put off trips to meet your parents until the very end." He spat out, "What kinda boyfriend does that?"

It's true- those are things that he did- or rather didn't do. And if I'm being honest, those little things turned out to have bigger reasons behind them- reasons that I don't want to divulge to Gabe in the middle of this Charli XCX song. Gabe's only seen the tip of the iceberg, but I'm the one who's had to fight my way through arguments beyond the surface.

"Not everyone can be as perfect as you, Gabe." I say playfully with a wink, playing off any attempts to swerve this conversation into the serious lane.

He just smiles. "That's the beauty of me, Dust." He starts, taking another sip. "I may be pretty, but I'm pretty fucked up too."

"An anomaly, if you will."

That's kinda become our catchphrase- something I remember from that first time meeting him. Gabe is a complete anomaly. He's the playful and mischievous kid born to a strict military, and later, absentee father. He's the half-Mexican boy who finds Tapatio too spicy- with a deep tan and the bluest eyes I'd ever seen. He's also the guy who had a line of dough-eyed girls following him in high school, only to come out to me at the tail end of senior year.

He's perfect on the outside, and yet I'm the only one who knows that not to be the case.

He nods in agreement as we clang our glasses together, "Here's to you and me." We both drink together, "Here's to anomalies."

***

A little while later, Gabe has just come back with our fourth round of drinks. We're both pretty buzzed at this point, and it's here where I remember how much fun going out with him is. He's funny and goofy and insists on dancing to every top-forty hit like he's not making a complete fool of himself. He looks so happy as he's dancing several feet from me and even flashes me a questioning look when some slender twink pulls him slightly to dance with him. I give him a wink and mouth, "have fun", knowing the boy has no shot with my friend- something that'll have to wait until the song finishes.

"Sorry about my friend." I hear someone say as he joins the table where I'm standing. "He's been eyeing him for the past twenty minutes even though I warned him that he's clearly taken."

"It's just a dance." I say to the blonde guy as we watch them together. "Besides, he's single- but not really looking for anything tonight."

The guy looks genuinely surprised, "Oh- so the two of you aren't together?"

I shrug, "Nah. We're just best friends."

"I guess I just assumed." He started to say, but clearly picked up on my annoyed expression. "You guys look really coupley"

I fake another smile, having had this exact conversation more times than I ever wanted to. Maybe on the outside we do look like we'd make a great couple. And maybe, on paper it would make sense. But that's never been in the cards for me and Gabe- no matter how many times I try to reshuffle them. He's not into me, and as far as he's concerned, I'm not into him.

I put on my best act and tell the stranger, "We love each other-" I start saying, before adding in the line I've practiced a million times over, "but not in that way."

He seems sufficient with that answer, though makes no efforts to hide the look of confusion on his face. Thankfully, the song ends and I watch as Gabe says something to the twink, causing him to walk back to his friend with a disappointed look. They leave before Gabe comes back to the table and finishes off my drink.

"Wanna get out of here?" He asks. "That guy came on a little too strong and I feel like a need a shower after all that."

I chuckle, thinking about another broken heart that Gabe has added to the trail to which he walks through life. I know that expression on the twink's face because I've seen it on just about every guy who plays Icarus- thinking he could fly too close to the sun and not get burned.

Somehow, I'm still standing, wings in-tact, with nothing but a crush and a clock that feels like it's going to go off soon.

"Keep your shit together" I tell myself before following Gabe out of the club.