My Own Devices

I have a private space I can go to indulge myself and my fantasies -- it's my RV. Parked in the country, I leave it there on land I own. Since I've put in a power line, water and septic, I can live there any time. And if I'm not living there, I can stay there and soak up the quiet and privacy. And indulge. It's also where I can indulge in some of my fantasies.

I'm approaching 70 -- next year -- and over that time, I've found out a few things about my sexuality. First off, I'm bi. I love women; I'm nuts about boobs and fascinated by nipples. I still check out the fashion and styles on my newsfeed, somehow thinking that I'm going to see something I shouldn't (or that shouldn't be shown) in the latest "lingerie trends for everyone" or "this year's best bikinis" stories. You know -- the darker shadows of areolae behind a sheer top, or the protrusions of hard, erect nipples. I know better -- those days of the accidental views are long gone.

At the same time, I love to watch women take on big cocks. I mean, those videos of women, on their knees, pulling down some dude's shorts and revealing a monstrously big dick have always sent blood rushing to my (somewhat smaller) male organ. And then I tumbled on those hypno videos and learned something: I was more interested in the cocks than the women. No, I wasn't "hypnotized" or converted in some way. That's a bunch of bullshit. But I was genuinely aroused by big, hard cocks.

My attraction to them isn't new, but it's been a long time since I've enjoyed one. I made a promise to my wife -- no cheating. That's after I had cheated while away on business. The toughest part of telling her (because keeping that secret was driving us apart) was admitting that I had cheated with a guy. Instead of divorcing me, or being disgusted, she took it in stride and made me promise it would never happen again. And so far, I've been keeping that promise.

That's not to say I haven't been tempted. When it was still around, I made good use of the personals in Craigslist to get pictures. To contemplate setting up meetings. But I never went through with them. If I had somehow found a public glory holes, I might have made use of it -- but all were private ones, and all posted by guys wanting to suck me. When I wanted to be on my knees, driving some stranger's hard cock down my throat and devoting myself to giving him the best possible blowjob he'd ever had.

Before I was married, before the internet, I had found a few, in adult bookstores in New Jersey. Places where I could wander in, exchange money for either quarters or tokens, wait for one a booth with a hole in it, and then spend time satisfying every hard dick that showed up. It was anonymous. In my twisted world view, it was safe. Never mind that I risked a boatload of STD's. And HIV. In my mind, if you couldn't see the guy, you couldn't catch his disease. Twisted and insane, I know -- but since I never caught anything, it wasn't completely useless as a justification. So yeah, I already knew I liked cock. And there were even a few times where it led to his place and giving up my ass to a big cock.

That all did something to me. That and a lot of masturbating. Made it tough to keep up an erection in a wet pussy. Made me a failure in my own mind, so much so that I kept away from hetero sex for way too long. Heck, spending time alone in my RV let me see the country, but kept me apart from people. So, I decided to indulge in satisfying myself.

The first lifelike dildo I got was in an adult store in Montana. I was looking to see if there was a glory hole, and then decided to browse their merchandise when there was absolutely no traffic there. That led me to the dildos, and I found a seven-inch, lifelike cock that had been marked down. I even remember discussing it with the woman at the counter, and she told me that it felt pretty close to real. I didn't say why I was getting it, but I also didn't lie and pretend it was for someone else. Oh, and I made sure to get some lube with it.

I got it home -- back to the RV -- and unwrapped it. It was pretty close to lifelike -- not hard plastic like the toys used to be, but bendable and soft surfaced. It was a good start -- I had something I could practice on, and I did. It took me about a week before I could take the entire thing down my throat and jam the balls up against my chin, and once I could do that, I remember being so very proud of myself. I also remember how intensely I came during the process, barely even touching my own five inches. I kept playing with that until I didn't really need any warm ups -- I could open my mouth and take it all in one gulp. Then I had to find another use for it, and it became my personal anal stimulant. Jerking off with it up my ass, pressing against my prostate, was a whole new world of sensation! The only down side was that after that, I was reluctant to put it back in my mouth.

And then I had one of those attacks of "I'm going to quit this and just go straight" that have happened over the years, and I discarded it. I went for about a year without anything but my own hand before once again stepping into the waters. This time I went online and ordered a small, pale plastic one. Only 5 inches from the tip to the balls -- 6 if you measure from the tip to the base -- and I began to practice again. Once again, it took some time until I could get past my gag reflex, but I did from time to time.

But I found that I wanted bigger. I mean, I was watching online as huge black dicks filled every kind of hole: women's mouths, men's' mouths, pussies and assholes of both, and those big ones got my attention. My imagination. What if I had one? And so, I found one and ordered it.

The day it arrived I was besides myself. First off, it was heavy. Probably weighed almost two pounds! Next, it was huge! 8 inches from the tip to the balls. Two and a half wide at the base. Not a life mold -- it wasn't a replica cock -- but never the less, it was shaped with a large helmet, veins and ridge. And I spent a long time on that first night with it. At first, it was a struggle just to get the head in my mouth. After smoking a bowl of some very good stuff, it got easier. I began to take more in. Got it deeper -- as deep as I could -- but couldn't manage to get it down my throat.

I had set that all aside at the beginning of the pandemic and gone to live with my wife; she needed someone to care for her. It was only when I got a request to house sit (and care for three dogs) from our daughter than I had a chance to play again. The RV is on their land; my toys were in it and I was all by myself!

I keep some weed there, remnants of a trip through Colorado. Good stuff, and good for the body sensations, so I managed to smoke a bowl full and wound of up feeling no pain. While I had been trolling an online chat room/service for a bit, no one was online or had expressed enough interest to date so I was by myself. It was time to take things in hand -- so to speak. There were some guys locally, but even brief chats with them never worked out. So, I figured I was left to my own devices. Which, essentially, is what I had planned for.

First, I got naked -- I mean, of course, right? Then I took the smaller, white dick and began to suck it. I closed my eyes and used the feeling of the life-like veins and ridge to pretend it was real. Slowly, I got more and more of it in my mouth until it was up against my throat. I took a deep breath and just let my muscles relax and felt it slide past the obstruction until the balls were up against my chin. I had done it and it was easy -- I must have remembered something. I spent a few minutes with it, fucking my face on it, mounted on the wall, as if I were sucking cocks like I used to in glory holes. What was missing, of course, was reality. Real dicks are hot. They have a taste to them. They have blood running through them and they are -- essentially -- alive! Getting one into my throat and feeling it expand as the guy flexed it and flared the head was a memory I treasured and this was close -- but not enough. But it was, I guess, proof of concept.

Then I decided to take on my big guy -- that 9-inch chocolate monster. It was easily twice the width of the little white one (no accident, really) and would be a bigger challenge. Fastening it to the wall, I watched it bend under its own weight -- like the real thing! I abandoned anything other than wanting to worship such an amazing thing. I licked up and down the sides. I slobbered all over it. I rubbed it all over my face, wet with my saliva. And finally, I wrapped a hand around the base and opened my mouth.

It was almost like putting a golf ball in my mouth, so I took my time to get used to it. I licked the frenum. I ran my tongue around the head, probing the flesh where it joins the body. Then, slowly, I began to press forward and it began to slide towards my throat. It was so amazingly wide; I wasn't sure anything would happen. But like with the smaller one, once it got to that stopping point I paused, took a deep breath, and, strange as it sounds, concentrated on relaxing. As I did, I felt it move forward, deeper into my mouth than ever before! I managed to get the tip into my throat, and ultimately, about 5 inches of that dick in my face. It was as I pulled off it that I realized my own six inches were harder than ever. I was getting off on becoming a cock sucker! This was exciting.

Then, it was time to take it up another notch. I opened the bottle of lube I had handy, and began to apply it to my black godlike tool. I got it slick and slippery, then I set it on the floor and began to work it up my ass. The funny part is that, when I used to get fucked by real cocks, it used to hurt at first. Now, with something far larger than any I had ever taken, it didn't hurt at all! It was uncomfortable, yes. Because it wasn't rigid, it was a challenge to get it in and drive it deep -- but it didn't hurt at all. A few more inches initially and I removed it to relube it. And that time it was not only easy to get back in, but it felt glorious as it moved much more smoothly and even deeper. I was now bounding on a massive stick, trying to get it deep enough to feel the balls up against me but not quite succeeding. I moved up and down, enjoying it, my cock aroused but not really erect -- it was being stimulated in a new way and felt amazing.

With little thought, I grabbed that white dildo and without a moment's hesitation drove it balls deep down into my face. No hesitation. No need to adjust. It was as if the monster in my butt made anything smaller almost inconsequential! I was as close to living my fantasy of being spit-roasted as I had ever been! The only downside to it all was that I had to do all the work -- and at my age, bouncing on my knees was tougher that you might think. What I really wanted -- and still really want -- is to hookup with two well-hung studs and put myself between them as a set of holes to be used and ultimately, filled with hot come. That may never happen -- given my marriage, concerns about this damned virus and sheer lack of opportunity, but a guy can dream, right?

I'm not done. I'm waiting for an Amazon arrival later today with a 9-inch, realistic white cock. From the pictures, it's long but not as massive as what I have, so I'm already hard again imagining both my holes filled with cocks buried deep in me. If it goes the way I'm planning, I'm expecting to come from being pounded. No hands!