Chapter 27 -- Thomas's point of view
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Thu. Feb. 6th, 2020
My conscience awoke, and my body responded automatically to my circadian rhythm. I sat on the bed and proceeded to stretch my body in active meditation before I sat down, stayed still, and concentrated on my breath.
Time was passing, and my trained mind was blank, or at least to the extent I could manage these days. Accepting and letting go of images of him as I kept trying to meditate properly.
It helped, as always, but it took me a great effort to achieve that. I tried not to swear internally to avoid bringing even more attention to these unwelcome thoughts. Only now, I opened my eyes just to cover them in frustration and stood up.
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I opened the window and went to the bathroom. Then I took clothes from the pile I readied yesterday and got dressed. I could practically move blindfolded through this ritual.
Running shoes by the door. Keys. And finally, freedom of the cold morning air around me.
I locked the door, and my body started to run. It was precisely 6,7 miles to the pool, and a cheery voice welcomed me again this morning.
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"6 am on the dot. Sir, you never fail."
I smiled at Patrick. He was just opening and was already more than used to being punctual since I started coming here nine years ago. I pondered... how time flies.
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The pool always opens at six; I love that no one is here. Even those first visitors come around six twenty at the earliest. It's small enough for that but clean and close. The presence of this particular pool was why I decided to buy that condo over others, and I have reaped these benefits for six years now.
I changed into my swimwear and put on my cap. I showered and started.
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6:30. I looked at the wall clock as I finished another lap. Peter should be here about now. I looked to the entrance, and he didn't disappoint again.
"Thomas." He never stopped greeting me even though he wasn't calling me Master for years and changed his schedule according to his current Master, of course.
"Peter," I replied. "Can we talk afterward?"
"Of course, Thomas."
This place was magical for me... I kept swimming until 7:10, and then I went to the shower.
7:30. Peter will be leaving the pool now. I was already dressed and waited for him in the lobby. Conveniently, Ben told me I didn't need to ask his permission to meet with Peter if Peter agreed.
My smart watch notified me about mail from Mr. John Dawnson, the second owner of the company.
I looked at my phone and cursed silently, knowing that this would require me to meet with Matt. Or maybe I can send it to him... He can just sign it for me, and the courier can bring it back. That wasn't the problem. I was very aware that the problem was that I craved to see him. I couldn't help it. And that man tended to awaken my right hemisphere to the point where I acted against my whole training and self-control. He was dangerous to me, yet I knew I couldn't stop my decisions sometimes.
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"Thomas?"
Peter walked into the lobby, interrupting my thoughts.
"Peter, can you join me for breakfast?"
"Sure, you look a bit apprehensive. Is everything all right?"
He would never dare to ask me something like this a few years ago. It was fascinating to see how much different Ben is as a Master. But I don't think I ever saw Peter so happy.
I smiled lightly, even though I was sure I was not fooling this man. "I will be fine."
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We went to a small place near and sat down.
"Just a camomile tea, miss. Thank you." I looked at Peter.
"Coffee, please."
I stopped frowning at that for years, but it was still irking me a bit.
"What's on your mind, Thomas?"
"Matt told me that you spoke."
Peter smiled. "Yes, it was an interesting day."
"Why?"
"I suppose you know him the best from us, so you are sure aware that he is very stubborn when he sets his mind. There were, of course, things that we wouldn't say, but it was obvious that he cared about you very much. I believe Ben was really moved at some point."
"What do you mean?"
"He acted like a brat, but then he switched into this earnest kid who needed to understand."
"What did he want to understand?"
"Why you don't want to be with him."
"What did you tell him?"
"I told him you mean when you say something, and it's not fair to you when he says he is straight. He seemed to somehow withdraw after that."
I nodded, remembering our conversation with Matt that day. I suppose there isn't anything much Peter can tell me more. I knew him well enough to know he would start with those things he deemed most important for me to learn about from those he could tell me.
"He is training with Ross?"
"Yes, every Tuesday and Thursday. He is very driven. "
I nodded again. I thought so. Honestly, it was a pleasant change for me for some wicked reason. That's not really correct... I knew very well that I loved how challenging he was for me, and he even seemed worthy to subdue myself to him when I felt the need to give up control. But this exact side he awoke was sometimes scaring me to my core.
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"Thomas, why did you let him take you?"
This guy grew some serious guts over the years. I straightened my spine and gave him a warning look.
"I felt like that."
Peter just lowered his eyes and took a sip of his coffee.
"Thomas. You kept saying with every partner you had that you loved them. I believe it was about a year in a relationship, if not precisely that. That was the point when you started saying it, but after seeing you that New Year's..." he looked at me. "I realized that you never loved any one of us."
I raised my eyebrows in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"Thomas, I've met few of the people you owned, and Matt is the only one I wanted to slap and throw out of my house, run to my bedroom, and cry."
"Elaborate, please."
"I am sure you are aware of this, Thomas, but I am not sure if you are willing to accept that. I have never seen you look that way at anyone. I knew from the moment you were looking at the door waiting for him to swear for himself and enter."
"That man is not good for me," I stated as I drank my tea slowly.
"Why?"
"He is making me reckless and out of control."
"That's what love does sometimes."
"I am aware that I love him, Peter. But, still, I am not willing to be with him."
Peter nodded.
"Why have you never broken him?"
I closed my eyes, realizing that this was indeed a conscious choice. I loved the heat he was emitting from his eyes when he was like that. Matt was like a wild beast challenging me if I was worthy of him following me. Taking me and even protecting me. I knew I would have to kill that side of him if I was to break him in for me.
"I just couldn't bring myself to do that," I said finally.
Peter nodded with a smile. "I thought so."
I felt Matt's presence in my mind. Talking about him made him even more real to me now, and I felt I was losing my sense of control. I composed myself and looked at my watch.
"Thank you for seeing me, Peter. I should go now."
"Of course, Thomas."
I stood up and turned to leave.
"Thomas?"
"Yes?"
"Love doesn't always have to hurt. And sometimes it's worth it," he smiled. I told him this sentence when he was struggling with his feelings toward Ben. I understood his intention. It was special. What an amazing man this one is.
"Thank you, goodbye, Peter."
"Goodbye, Thomas."
I paid and ran back home. 6,2 miles, and it's already 8:13. I need to hurry.
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