I groaned when I felt my third pair of boxers rip. I was already late for school, and here I was struggling to get dressed. Fuck, why are all my boxers ripping like tissue paper? And then that's when I saw it. The mirror next to my bedroom door revealed the exact reason why I couldn't fit any of my boxers over my ass.
I've always had big glutes, but this is ridiculous! Like, okay my ass was big. I got it already. My bros on the team always joked around in the locker room. I've heard it all. Sometimes when I'm walking by they'd make big 'Eeh Err' noises like a truck is backing up. But I know they're just fooling around. Me and my bros are close and we've known each other since we were kids. We've stuck together and I trust them.
My mom always said I had "good Italian genes", but I had no idea what that meant. I wasn't super hairy, just a light dusting on my chest and a happy trail. Oh, and I guess my ass was hairy too. Maybe she meant it was because I was jacked? I flexed my arm in the mirror, proud at how huge my biceps had gotten.
But maybe she had meant my ass? Do Italians have big asses? There weren't a ton of Italian families in our bumfuck nowhere town, but I couldn't picture any of them having an ass nearly as big as mine. Especially now. Fuck, what was I going to do?
*BEEEEP*
I jumped a little when I heard the car horn. Fuck, Sammy was here! And he was really laying on it, which meant he was pissed. I was totally not a morning person, but I had to get my shit together.
Most of my jeans were intentionally too big for me. Well, my waist. I had a trim 28 inch waist but anything that size just couldn't fit over my thighs or ass. So I had to get bigger jeans and just make do with a belt. Sometimes they end up a little baggy, but now I'm still struggling to pull on a pair I KNOW are even a little too big on me! Fuck, why. Won't. It. Go. Up!
*RIIIIIIP*
I stopped dead in my tracks. Oh fuck no. This was my biggest pair, if these didn't fit, nothing would.
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
Sammy was now clearly freaking out, he hated to be late, he was trying to be Mr. Perfect-Valedictorian-Star-Pitcher and get into a school like Harvard or Yale. Bastard. But I loved him, he was my best bro ever since we were in little league.
"ALRIGHT, FUCK, I'M COMING!!" I screamed out my window down at Sammy's Audi.
I scrambled around my room, looking for fucking ANYTHING that could work. My mom wasn't as big as me, and it's not like I had a dad to borrow clothes from. Yeah, he's a fucking deadbeat that ran off when I was little. I don't give a shit about him.
That's it!
I settled on a pair of gym shorts. They were already pretty loose, but they were also made out of this stretchy material. Sammy totally recommended them to me. I felt kinda weird going to school in these bright red shorts.
I prayed that they would fit as I stepped in them and pulled them up my legs. There was some resistance, but I figured the stretchy material wouldn't rip. I was able to get them over my thighs, but they stopped right at the bottom of my ass, I tried to pull them out more to fit, but FUCK they just wouldn't budge. With one last heave I jumped up a little and pulled, gravity helping to fit my ridiculous ass. What the fuck? These didn't used to be this fucking tight. I felt like my circulation was getting cut off. But these seemed like the only things that would work, so I just had to suck it up.
They were so tight it was like a second skin. I could tell they were practically molded to my ass. I felt naked, to be honest, but there was nothing else, so I just had to hope none of the teachers gave me shit about showing off my huge ass to the whole school.
I ran down the stairs and flung myself into Sammy's car. As soon as my ass hit the seat, Sammy floored it and raced to school so he wouldn't be late.
"What the fuck took you so long, Micucci?" He glanced over at me, raising one of his bushy eyebrows.
"I was, uh, trying to figure out what to wear."
Sammy rolled his eyes. "Sure princess, needed to pick out the perfect gown for the ball."
I shoved him a little. "Fuck you, man, I just couldn't find anything that fit."
There was that eyebrow again. "Fit what?"
"My ass. My fucking ass ok? I know you guys give me shit about it all the time, but fuck NONE of my jeans fucking fit, I had to wear those stretchy gym shorts you got me."
Sammy's eyes widened and he lowered his gaze to look at my legs. His jaw dropped, it was kinda funny, he looked like his brain was glitching out or something.
Another car honked at us for drifting, making Sammy snap his attention back to the road. I noticed he had to adjust himself a little bit in his seat. Aww, my best bro had morning wood! He usually did whenever I slept over at his house, and I always gave him shit for it. It's only fair with how much the guys joke around about my ass.
As soon as we pulled into the school parking lot, I made it for my first period class, which I was almost late for. I couldn't afford another late, I'd get detention! Fuck my fucking ass for fucking everything up.
Mostly everyone was already in their classes, but there were still a couple people in the halls. As I ran by, I started to hear whispers and murmurs. Confused, I turned around and noticed them all staring at me. Haha, Luke Micucci is wearing gym shorts. I get it already, why the fuck does everyone care so much?
I mean, I knew I was hot. Girls wanted to be with me, guys wanted to be me. They wish they had arms like these, pecs like these... well maybe not an ass like this, but you get it. I didn't have any time to date girls though, it just didn't seem worth it, they were kinda boring to be honest.
"HOLY SHIT LUKE!" That deep raspy voice belonged to Sammy. He hadn't seen the full situation in the car, but now he was getting an eyeful.
"Language, Mr. Ahmadi!" Vice Principal Weiss scolded him as he caught up to me, slowing to a jog. She was always on such a power trip, she was this stuck up old lady that should just fuck off and retire already.
"Sorry!" He did his best 'I'm such an innocent and good boy' expression that was pretty well-practiced at this point, with his strict-ass parents.
Weiss just rolled her eyes, but then settled on me. Her eyes bugged out in shock. "Mr. Micucci, what are you wearing? I believe you may be in violation of the dress code! Come into my office this instant!"
I groaned. Well, fuck my day.
Vice Principal Weiss was being such a bitch, she kept telling me how I was being inappropriate, what I was doing dressing like that, people would get the wrong idea (whatever that meant). She said I was 18 years old now, I should be dressing like an adult. I tried to make my case, I was telling her that literally these were the only shorts that fit, so she could take it or leave it. She got hers though. She pulled out the student code of conduct to show me which rule I broke, but then she totally freaked when she realized that the rules about "not exposing the buttocks" were specifically written only for FEMALE students. It was fucking hilarious. She gave up and just told me to get to class. Whatever.
The day was pretty weird, like everyone kept staring at me and whispering at me and a bunch of girls were coming up to me to chat. Fuck, talking to girls is such a pain, all they literally want to talk about is how hot I am. I like getting complimented, but what the fuck am I supposed to say?
As soon as I stepped into the lunch room, a table in the back erupted in howls. Yup, that was our baseball team's rallying call, the Timberwolves. I went straight for it to see all my bros at our usual spot. Sammy was already there, and I went to sit next to him.
"Uh-oh, everybody clear out, make room, make room. Excuse me sir, are you sure you don't need a double-wide seat?" The whole table broke out in laughter. Conner, the ginger prick, was always the first one to crack jokes about me. He was lucky he was such a good hitter.
"Shut it, vampire," I said that because he was pale as fuck, basically pure white, but I knew it wasn't a very good insult. Dammit.
"Damn, Micucci's showing off the merchandise today! What's up with that man?" Devin, our first baseman, chimed in. Normally he didn't give me as much shit as the other guys, but I guess he decided to join the crowd today. I shrugged and sat down next to Sammy. God fucking dammit, my ass really did spill over the seat. Fuck my life.
I ignored the other guys, who continued cracking jokes about me, and turned to my best bro. "Yo Sammy, you'll never believe what happened with Weiss. She was all up in my face, she was totally losing it, then she pulls out the rulebook and guess fucking what? I wasn't breaking any rules. She had to let me go."
I looked over at Sammy for a reply, but my bro was looking down, totally transfixed at something. I followed his line of sight and realized he was staring at my ass.
"Sammy, hey Sammy, are you even listening?"
"Uh, what? Oh, uh, sorry man. I was just, uh, admiring your progress. Damn," Sammy stammered, which he almost never did. He was smooth as fuck, when you see him with girls they totally worship him. Dude's a charmer for sure. I can totally get why he's so popular, he's got this whole classic look, with his strong jaw, his permanent stubble, big bushy eyebrows, and deep brown eyes. Yeah, I may be totally straight but I can still tell that my best bro is handsome.
"My progress?" I scrunched my face up, totally missing what he meant, but then it hit me. Duh! Coach got me started on a new lifting plan last week, that must be why my ass has gotten so much bigger! Must be from all those heavy squats.
"Oh... uh, thanks dude. Yeah, this routine that Coach made for me must have kicked in. All of a sudden my gains just went into turbo-drive."
