Loss to Love

I lay in bed the entire day, unable to fall asleep, crying every now and then. The silence of the house was both a blessing as well as a curse. I loved the tranquility of it all, being able to relax my otherwise chaotic mind, yet the stillness of everything made me think even more. I heard the engine of my dad's jeep pulling into the driveway, the engine cutting off.

A couple of minutes later, I heard a light knock on the door before the handle turned, the door creaking as it parted with the doorframe. "Drew, are you awake?" My dad whispered, I guess not wanting to wake me up if I had been sleeping.

"I'm awake." I said, not turning towards the door, keeping my eyes on the window.

"I bought pizza, I figured you'd be hungry." He said, the door creaking as he opened it further.

"Thanks dad but I'm not hungry." I said. He came over and sat down at the foot of my bed, his weight causing the bed to tilt slightly in his direction.

"You sure? It's pepperoni your favorite." He said. I furrowed my eyebrows.

"You remembered that?" I said, turning slightly to face him.

"Of course I did. You're my son right?" He said. He hadn't referred to me as his son in so long I kind of forgot that I was. Maybe breaking up with Nick was the right thing to do, if my dad and I could reconcile our past.

"Right." I said, dropping my head back down onto the pillow.

"I'm sorry." He said, laying a hand on my leg.

"You don't have to be sorry. I wanted to break up with him." I said.

"No I do and you and I both know you didn't want to break up with him. I'm sorry I've been such a bad father. I shouldn't have asked you to be something you're not. You were right. I should have been more understanding. My past gave me no excuse to treat you the way I did." I sighed, sitting up on the bed and looking at my father.

"It's okay dad. I'm going to be straight now. Everything can go back to the way it was." I said.

"No you're not. You're gay Drew, I was wrong trying to make you think otherwise. I see that now. I love you so much, and I know your mom wouldn't want you to pretend to be someone you're not either. I'm sorry." He said, dropping his head in embarrassment.

"It doesn't matter anyway. I broke up with Nick and that's the way it's going to stay."

"You love him don't you." He said, a statement more than a question. I kept quiet, not wanting to say anything. "Listen Drew, I can see it. I can see how much you love him. I can see how much you're broken up about it. From the kiss I saw that day I can tell he loves you very much too, so why are you pushing him away?" I remained silent, not wanting to remember the horrible nightmare I had. "Drew, talk to me. I just want to help."

"I'm scared dad." I said, feeling my eyes water again.

"Scared? Of what?"

"I'm scared I will lose him, like I lost mom. I'm scared that one day I'll wake up and he won't." I cried, letting a tear roll down my cheeks.

"Oh Drew...let me tell you something okay. Death is a thing of life, you can't prevent it and you can't control it. Letting that fear dictate your life isn't living. You're telling me that you're going to throw away your life over something you have no control over." He said, moving up and putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Dean said the same thing." I chuckled sadly.

"And he's right. Listen, when I lost your mom, I was devastated, but that's not what I choose to remember about her. Instead of her death, I remember when we shared our first date. I remember whenever she would smile at me when I came home from work. I remember her smell, her laugh, everything that made your mother special to me. I remember the day she held you when you were born, and I thought that this was what life was about.

"If you're going to throw away what could have been an amazing relationship because of a fear that it would end before you were ready, then what's the point in living anyway. If your mom passed a year after our marriage or twenty, I still have that amount of time I shared with her. That amount of time that I felt complete. Can you honestly say that you feel complete now, breaking up with Nick?" He said.

"Even if I wanted to get back now, he won't. I hurt him really bad, and I don't think he will ever forgive me for it."

"You'll be surprised what people can look past when they love someone." He smiled, squeezing my shoulder.

"Thanks dad. I love you."

"I love you too son. I don't say it enough but I do, more than anything. I'm so proud of the man you have become." He said, hugging me in his tight embrace. It had been too long since I felt his strong arms around me, so long since I felt safe in them.

"So where's that pizza?" I asked, chuckling.

"There's the son I know." He smiled, releasing me from the hug.

Even after my dad's pep talk, I wasn't sure if I could bring myself to get back together with Nick. I was glad that my dad now accepted me for who I was though. For so long I had wished he would say he was proud of who I had grown up to be and today I finally heard it. Never had I understood a child's need for a parent to be proud of them until today. It was different from acceptance. It was a testimonial to the fact that your parent not only accepts you but feels that your life accomplishments are worth something more, something they could look upon and smile.

That night, as I slept, I had the same nightmare again. I saw Nick lifeless in front of me. I didn't cry this time though, my brain telling me to do what my dad said. To focus on the happy moments we spent together rather than focusing on the bad, but still try as I may, I felt sick at the image of his corpse.

The next morning, my dad poked his head into my room, stirring me awake from the nightmare. "Hey kiddo, are you heading to school today?" He asked.

"Nah I don't think so." I said, rubbing the sleep from eyes, once again relieved that it was all just a dream.

My father sighed. "You have to face him sometime you know."

"When I'm ready."

"Okay well, I'm heading to work. Just call if you need anything."

"Okay dad." He closed the door and I turned, going back to sleep. After the complete and utter drama of the previous day, it was no wonder I was tired. I slept till two pm that day, waking up feeling happy that my nightmare didn't come back for a third time, at the same time feeling refreshed and hungry. I took that as a good sign though, knowing that I wasn't as depressed if I had my appetite back.

I got out of bed, taking a quick shower. I knew the kitchen had nothing to eat so I was going to have to go out for something to eat. I changed and picked up my phone, realizing that it was still turned off, not having turned it on since yesterday morning. I knew the minute I turned it on, a barrage of messages would greet me.

True enough the minute I turned it on, texts started pouring in. Missed calls appeared in my call log. Tray, Kate and Travis flooded my inbox.

"What happened? Call me?"

"Turn on your phone goddamn it."

"You can't hide forever."

All the texts were along the same line. All except one from Dean. "I'm here. I heard what happened. I didn't go over because I knew you'd come around when you're ready. Call me."

Dean was in Seattle? My best friend was in Seattle?

I dialed his number, hearing the phone ring a couple of times before he answered. "Well it's about time."

"Dean? You're in Seattle?"

"My text was pretty clear. C'mon, meet me at the usual diner in town. My treat." He said, hanging up immediately. I knew what diner he was talking about, a usual hangout for us back in the day. Without a second thought, I stowed my phone in my pocket, grabbing my keys and headed out the door.

I drove into town, going the route to the diner that I hadn't used in so long. Eventually I stopped in front of the old roadside diner, basically empty except for a few other customers. I walked in, scanning for Dean, spotting the little dwarf at the far end of the restaurant. He smiled when he saw me, watching as I clambered my way over to him. I was so happy to see Dean, my best friend who moved away.

"Oh my god I'm so glad to see you man." I said, taking a seat across from him.

"See you didn't lose me. I'm still here." Dean said.

"What? When? How?" I shot.

"I'm here for you. You sounded pretty distressed on the phone the other day so I had to come down here, prove to you that I was still around. I arrived last afternoon, thought I could surprise you in school, but Kate Benson told me someone broke up with Nick Preston." He said, giving me a knowing look.

"I had to do it." I defended.

"Bullshit Drew. You damn well know I was right. I mean shutting the world out after you dumped him, real mature. Your actions just prove that you shouldn't have broken up with him."

"Okay okay, first my dad now you. You want me to say it fine. I regret it okay. I shouldn't have done that to Nick, but I'm still not ready to get back with him yet. Hell I don't even know if he'll take me back, after the things I said to him."

"Wait wait back up, your dad?" Dean asked.

"Yeah, we kinda talked yesterday. He's come around, full circle if I might add. In fact, he shares the same sentiment as you do."

"Well I always knew your father was a smart man. Great minds think alike after all." Dean said, sitting back and giving a pose fit for a king.

"Yeah whatever, you still haven't told me how you got here?"

"I teleported. I took a plane of course, first flight out of New York. I leave tonight though, skipped two days of school as it is. I'm surprised my parents even agreed to it, but they treat you like a son so really I shouldn't be."

"That soon? I was hoping we could hang." I said. Sure it was nice that I could see Dean in person, but I wished he could have stayed longer.

"What are we doing now? Working?" He mocked.

"Sorry. I mean I haven't seen you in so long, I kinda hoped I could have had more time with you."

"Well if you had bothered to turn on your phone earlier, we would now wouldn't we." He quipped, being his usual snarky self. He took a breath, relaxing and softening his voice. "It is nice to see you Drew. It's seems like so long ago doesn't it."

"You have no idea." I said. Just then the waitress came over with two plates, each holding a massive double cheeseburger and a truckload of fries.

"I took the liberty to order for you. It's still your favorite thing here right, or have your tastes changed." He said, pointing to the burgers in front of us.

"I actually haven't been here since you left." I confessed, grabbing a fry and pooping it into my mouth. Oil oozed out of the deep fried potato, a health nut's worst nightmare, but it was oh so good.

"You're shitting me. Didn't bring your boyfriend here?"

"He's not my boyfriend. Not anymore at least." I said, feeling dejected at the memory.

"And whose fault is that?" Dean said, taking a massive bite of his burger. Yeah he looked like a complete slob but who cares. When good food was concerned, personal image didn't matter. "But seriously though, you need to get back together with him." He said, mouth full.

"Like I said, I don't even know if he'll take me back."

"Trust me Drew, he'll take you back. He loves you doesn't he?"

"That's what he says." I said, giving a little shrug.

"You see, that's your problem. You still don't want to believe that he loves you. You don't have to be scared about loving him Drew. If anything you should be happy; Happy that you actually found someone you can honestly say you love." Dean said, playing with the food on his plate, pushing it around with his fork.

"It's difficult okay. How you realize that someone else could affect your being so much. It's weird, how your emotions tie in together like they were intertwined. It's scary, when you think about that connection being severed."

"Don't forget how painful it is, when you have to be apart." Dean added, looking at me knowingly.

"You guys are not making this break up easy for me you know." I said, chuckling.

"Because, unlike yourself, we all want you to be happy. Maybe it's time you stop thinking about what may make you unhappy in the future, and focus on the things that make you happy now." I sat there, thinking about what Dean said.

Sure I may not be exactly happy at the moment, but could I honestly say that I didn't expect this? The whole purpose of breaking up with Nick was to prevent the hurt, and by extension the unhappiness of it all. So yeah I wasn't happy, but this is nothing like the kind of sadness I would feel if I lost Nick. Again I told myself that I already lost him when I broke up.

The people around me, all echoing the same thought that I made a mistake; That I shouldn't have ended the best thing to ever happen to me. My dad, the person who played a part in my decision to break up, has seen the error of his ways; seen how much this loss has affected me. Dean, from the get go telling me that I should think through my actions. I did, and the thinking was what made me commit to the act.

"I wished you guys would have told me all this earlier. Maybe then I wouldn't have gone through with it." I mumbled, not really speaking to anyone.

"Excuse me? I did dimwit! But oh no, you had to go all paranoid and dump his sorry ass." Dean said, telling me like it is. I smiled at his reaction, "Smiling. He's smiling. You know I give up on this guy." Dean said to the ceiling, throwing his hands in the air in submission.

"I am amazed that I've stay your friend for so long." I chuckled.

"I'm still your friend because, you need me. Okay? Who knows the stupid things you're gonna do in life if I'm not." Dean said. I laughed, thinking about how ironic that sentence was coming from Dean. Most of the time Dean was the one getting into trouble and I was there to pull him away from it, but Dean had come through for me on a lot of occasions, mostly when I felt I was going insane. This was one of those times.

"Thanks man, for everything."

"Hey, just paying back the favor." Dean smiled.

Dean left later that night. I knew he had to go, although I didn't want him to. Still, I sent him off at the airport, like the day he left for New York. That time, I was distraught at his departure. I had just lost my mother and my best friend was moving away. I thought the bad memory of it would make this a repeat of the emotions I felt, but it wasn't.

Maybe due to the fact that I had already faced the fact that my mom was in a better place, or maybe because I knew Dean would be leaving from the get go, but I guess I already knew the real answer.

Last time, I felt like I was losing everyone, that I was alone. This time however, being a little older and wiser, I knew that I wasn't. I've learnt that distance doesn't make you lose someone, but make you closer. You realize how important that person is, even realizing how you have taken their presence for granted in the past. Dean was still there, always, not lost like I had once felt.

I thought about my situation with Nick. True enough it took me breaking up with him, putting some distance between us did I realize how much I loved Nick. Loved him so much to the point of stupidity on my part. I didn't know if Nick would take me back, and I only have myself to blame if he didn't, but I had to try. Let him know at least that I made a mistake. I just didn't know how and when.

After sending Dean off at the airport, I headed home. I had already missed two days of school and I was sure I wouldn't miss another. I was out of my slump and I had to face my friends sooner or later. Face Nick sooner or later.

It was an understatement when I said I didn't have a good night sleep that night. A mix of insomnia and endless dreams meant that I woke up feeling more tired than when I went to bed. So here I was on a Wednesday morning, pulling myself out of bed to get ready for school. I yawned so many times that morning I lost count. It seemed strange to me how, even when I was so torn up over the break up, I didn't have such a bad sleep as this. Maybe I was just nervous about meeting Nick again.

I walked out of my house, heading for my truck. I looked to my left, seeing Nick's Audi parked in his driveway, the first time I had seen it the past two days. I was astonished that although Nick was my neighbor, I hadn't bumped into him, especially yesterday when I went out. I figured he would have been avoiding me as much as I was avoiding him. Nick usually left for school earlier than I did and I rarely saw his car in the morning, so a part of me hoped that this meant he wasn't going to school today so I didn't have to deal with the awkwardness of meeting him, but life never made it so easy.

Nick emerged from his door, spotting me as he exited his house. I had almost forgotten what he looked like, my mind subconsciously trying to rid him from my memory the last few days. We stared at each other for a moment, neither of us moving. He looked different, the glint in his eyes missing. Eventually Nick gave a slight nod in my direction, a greeting you gave an acquaintance rather than a friend. I guess that was my doing and I couldn't blame him for his reaction when I was the one who caused it.

I got into little red, turning the ignition, hearing the engine rumble to life, however not moving off just yet. I waited, watching the blue Audi in the neighboring driveway. Nick took a lot longer than he normally did too, maybe having the same idea of waiting for the other to leave first, but I guess my patience was higher, seeing his car finally pulled out and down the road to school.

Still I waited a couple of minutes before leaving too, not wanting to seem like I was following him. Stupid, because technically, I had to follow him seeing that we were both going to school.

Eventually I arrived at school and everything seemed normal. I was foolish to think that anything would be different but I just felt like something wouldn't feel right about being back at school. I thought that the news of our break up would have spread across school like wildfire but then remembered that the student body at large didn't even know Nick was gay, let alone in a relationship with me.

I walked through the front door, hoping that I wouldn't bump into Kate, Tray or Travis. Those guys were the ones who were berating me with texts the last couple of days and I assume that they were not done with me. Who knows what they planned to do to me. I made my way to my locker without a hint of the terrible trio, a little nickname I decided to call them. It gave me a slight sense of security, thinking maybe I wouldn't have to face them if I was careful enough. Once again wishful thinking when I heard a cough.

I cringed, turning slowly to face Kate, hands on her hips and her pretty face pulled into a scowl. "Hi?" I said, taking in her intimidating stance. It was different seeing her anything other than bubbly, and the strict mother look wasn't fitting for her.

"Don't you hi me mister. I'm this close to beating your ass." She said, putting up her hand and sticking out her finger and thumb, indicating the small distance between them.

"You look really good today. Did you do something to your hair?" I said, playing ignorant.

"Drew I'm serious here." She said dropping her hands from her hips, her stance relaxing. Just then the bell rang and I never wanted to get to class so badly before.

"Oh well, I guess I'll talk to you later." I said, high tailing it down the hallway.

"You can't run forever Langston. I will catch you eventually." Kate shouted, her voice carrying down the hall. Surrounding students, all oblivious to the context, looked between us in confusion. I blushed at the sudden attention, seeing pairs of eyes land on my retreating form. Naturally gossip started flowing around, all wondering if there was trouble in paradise.