Longing for You

It turned out that when the coaches at OSU had some idea that Hop was thinking of transferring, they made it incredibly easy for him to get in so long as he kept playing football and hockey for them. Theo was happy with the news, but Hop could see some hesitancy in him too. It wasn't that he didn't want Hop to join, and Hop could tell that much, but he couldn't entirely read what Theo's worries were.

Hop decided that it was definitely time to have that conversation that he had been putting off. He texted Theo and asked him if they could put aside some time to talk things out this week to make sure they were both on the same page. He almost didn't send the message, second-guessing himself and thinking briefly that he should just sort of spring the conversation on Theo, but he wanted him to be comfortable with how things were approached.

Theo agreed, though the text itself made him nervous, and later that week they were sitting on the couch in their living room to talk. Theo had pulled his legs up onto the couch and was facing Hop while worrying his lip with his teeth. "So, what's up?" Theo asked him.

Hop was still sort of working out how he wanted to approach things, so he decided to start with a disclaimer, "I've been noticing some... distance between us lately. I haven't exactly come up with any good ways to bring it up, so I thought we could work through it together."

Theo nodded in understanding. "You're right, and talking about it is probably a good idea. Honestly, I'm worried about where this goes in the future. By the time we're at OSU, it will be almost a year since you found out about me. And by Thanksgiving, it will be a year since we started...well, experimenting to see how you felt about this. That seems like a fair amount of time to make some decisions..."

Hop nodded himself. "I've been thinking about that. I don't know for sure whether I'm actually bisexual. I know I'm definitely gay for you, but, well, I guess it doesn't really matter beyond that. I'm not ready to be getting married or anything, but I was thinking it may be time to be a little more... open about dating. I know we haven't talked about anything exclusive, but I haven't exactly been dating anyone besides you."

Theo gave a small smile. "Neither have I. River and I stopped messing around right after we first kissed, because I didn't want to complicate things any more than they were. I had figured you'd have been flirting at least at the parties though, so rumors didn't start about you seeing someone in secret or something."

Hop shook his head, pursing his lips in distaste. "No, I've never had any real trouble being single and I don't flirt unless I'm actually interested in someone. Beyond that, I'm usually pretty oblivious, as you well know from years of putting up with my ignorance of your interest."

Theo gave a weak chuckle at that. "To be fair, I tried pretty hard to keep you in the dark, though Trevor figured it out pretty fast."

Hop frowned at that, saying, "Sometimes I feel bad about coming between you and River. Like I prevented you from being happy."

"River is still pretty hung up on his own straight guy," Theo commented thoughtfully. "I suppose it could have worked out well if we both moved on, but I am happy with you. I'm just afraid you'll wake up one day and walk away for the woman of your dreams, and I'll be brokenhearted in the end and only have myself to blame."

"I've never dreamed of a woman," Hop stated somewhat obliviously.

"What did you dream of then?" Theo asked him.

Hop shrugged, seeming self-conscious, "I don't really dream about practical things. Most of my dreams are weird and fantastical."

"Well, calling her the woman of your dreams might be a romantic take on that," Theo acquiesced. "I've just seen how these secret relationships can go sometimes. Trevor's dealt with it before, as has River. They usually end up in heartbreak for someone. And when the formerly very-straight guy doesn't want to make a commitment, it usually means he's keeping you around long enough to find his future wife first."

Hop blinked at that. "I... I wouldn't do that to you," he stuttered out.

Theo's face softened at that. "I know, Hop. It's just hard not to be afraid of it. When I think of my future and being in love with someone, it's always been you, but I know that's not how it's been for you. You live in the here and now, and if you like someone, you are with them...or, well..." Theo trailed off because he didn't know how to put what they were doing now.

"Or I spend way too long figuring my shit out?" Hop finished for him. "Yeah, I know, I just don't like rushing into things because I tend to get really excited and I've been told it's off-putting. Or, I get invested and things go sour and I'm left picking up pieces, whether it's me breaking down or someone else. In your case, I refuse to toy with your feelings, because even if things don't work out between us I can't stand to lose you as my best friend."

"I don't want to lose you either," Theo replied. "Even if this didn't work out, I would still need you in my life, which is why I'm trying hard not to put any pressure on you. You need to come to your decision about us on your own, but I get why Trev and River are worried too."

Hop looked at him curiously, seeing a chance to get an answer to a question he wasn't sure how to ask. "Why are they worried?"

Theo looked down, suddenly self-conscious. "They don't want me to get hurt. Trev especially is worried that your reluctance for any sort of commitment is proof that you'll leave as soon as you meet someone you like more, most likely a woman. And that I'm being a dumbass for not just moving to OSU without you."

Hop hesitated briefly, then plunged ahead, blurting out, "It's not a fear of commitment, it's fear that this is why I've always been so tepid towards hetero relationships."

Theo brought his eyes back up so he could look at Hop again, his brow furrowing. "What do you mean?"

"I've never felt this strongly about someone before. Like, it terrifies me that I'll screw something up and then you'll be gone forever," Hop said with a blush.

Theo let out the breath he had been holding and moved closer to Hop on the couch so his knees were against Hop's leg. "Hop, you don't have to be perfect or freak out that everything you're doing is right or wrong. I like you as you are, and always have. I can't imagine what you could do, as yourself, that could make me walk away forever. I really only have a few deal breakers: cheating, heavy drugs, and hitting me. I can't picture you doing any of that."

Hop shifted uncomfortably, not with Theo's closeness, but with the idea that he could be good enough all by himself. Hop was usually a pretty confident person but questioning his sexuality had made him scrutinize a lot of things in his life and adjusting to the discoveries he was making was difficult. "What worries me is that I'm taking too long figuring myself out and you'll lose patience. It feels like there's a time limit on it and that makes me anxious. I don't think I'm going to meet some woman and just forget you exist. I like to think I'm better than that. Being this way doesn't make me less committed, you know."

"No?" Theo asked, looking a little unsure, though it was clear he wanted to believe Hop.

"No, it just means I theoretically have more options. Not that that matters when I get the relationship blindness..." Hop stated.

Theo gave a small smile, one that showed both apologies and weariness. "I don't hold you being bisexual against you, though many gay men would. It's just...easier in this world to marry a woman for you. It takes more work to be with me because I'm a man, you know? You have to come out if you decide I'm your boyfriend, you have to accept however your teammates, coaches, teachers, and family feel about it. Even have to deal with how strangers feel sometimes. I can see why you'd want to avoid it right now."

"Oh," Hop said in a quiet tone, "That's what you think is holding me back? I'm not afraid of the fallout from coming out. I am afraid that you don't really want me to move to Ohio with you, because that's kinda how you've been acting. The looks between you and Trevor and River, applying to places without even talking about it with me..."

"I do want you to move to Ohio with me," Theo replied while putting one of his hands on Hop's shoulder. "I just...I wasn't sure if you were going to figure out your feelings about us before then. Or if you would want to dial this all back and go back to being friends. If that happened, then I wanted to have some time to just...get over you. To make myself stop loving you like this so we could both be happy if that was what you wanted.

"You've never been on the other side of this, Hop. Wanting someone so badly, but staying silent because it's better for them. Or being someone's secret, and not knowing if they'll ever decide they actually want to be with you or if it will all just be a failed experiment. It's like flying when it's good, when you're kissing or in the middle of mind blowing sex, but then it's a little like falling back to earth every time he asks if a commitment is necessary. It can be agonizing. River and Trev are just afraid of what happens when I fall."

Hop sat with that for a moment, quietly assimilating that information. "You're right," Hop admitted, "I don't know what that's like. I've been living in a bubble for most of my life, unbothered by anything that happened because I was just following the script that was laid out for me and didn't really apply any critical thought to my life."

"I understand that all of this has kind of taken you off the tracks of that script, and I'm aware how difficult that is. That's why I'm trying...I'm trying not to be pushy or..." Theo trailed off, obviously having trouble with figuring out how to word his thoughts.

Hop interrupted that process by placing his hand on Theo's wrist. "Theo, if you're worried that I'll bail on this, on us, without talking to you if I am not feeling it, we've gone beyond that point. I am feeling it. I was planning on asking for your help, if you want to give it, in coming out. Maybe a little less flamboyantly than you did?"

Theo couldn't help but laugh at that while he shifted so he could lean into Hop, wanting to get rid of any space between them now. "The big kiss at the party isn't your cup of tea? I thought it was pretty spectacular, but I'm sure we can figure out something a little more low-key for you. Honestly, I think your teammates and coaches will be more upset by you leaving for the enemy rather than that you're with me."

"Probably," Hop agreed, "they're more afraid of pissing me off than they were of you too. It'll be interesting to see who has the balls to say something to my face, though."

Theo couldn't argue with that. "You're much more formidable than I am. I can't say that anyone has been afraid to upset me or call me names."

"Maybe put on a little muscle?" Hop suggested with a shrug.

Theo smirked at that. "Yeah, I should be in peak physical health to be ready to handle those animals. I may be wrestling with getting meds into a 155 pound dog eventually."

"Probably a good idea. I'm no physical trainer, but I could spot you," Hop said.

"I'd never say no to that, but are you sure things won't turn dirty if you do that?" Theo teased and moved again so he could climb into Hop's lap.

"I can pretty much guarantee things will turn dirty," Hop confirmed with a smile.

"Good," Theo replied and kissed Hop heatedly.

Once they broke the kiss, Theo went back to sit at Hop's side while they talked over what would be the best way to come out to people. There were plenty of low-key options Hop could go with, whether he told them privately, wrote them a lengthy text or even letters, or just casually mentioned it at practice like it was nothing. In the end, they decided not to surprise Hop's family by letting them hear about things second-hand.

Hop texted his family's group chat, normally reserved for vacation and holiday planning, with the news. He didn't make a big deal about it, just casually mentioned that he'd been doing some exploring and discovered that he was bisexual and that he was dating his lifelong best friend Theo Jameson. He finished the text by saying "I will not be taking any questions via this group chat, if you have anything you need answered, please contact me directly."

He mostly got a lot of support, especially from his parents and cousins. A few uncles asked questions but there weren't any openly hurtful things said. Hop did notice the people who didn't say anything at all, but he could handle silence.

The guys on the team were quiet as well, at least around Hop. He made sure to talk to the coach before mentioning anything to the team and, at coach's urging, Hop kept it succinct and fairly low-key. He simply mentioned in response to a question that popped up about once a week; everyone seemed curious about when he would date again. "I'm dating Jameson," he said calmly and moved on, using the distraction of the coach talking to the team about practice to ignore the looks he was getting.

Theo made an effort to ignore the looks too, though it made his stomach twist in knots to do. He focused on the coach and what they were being asked to do rather than what the other team was doing.

It was a good way to get the news out, though, because for all of the locker room talk about women being gossipy, men in sports could be just as bad. It didn't take that long for the information to spread through their circles. They did get a few congratulations, along with some questions about when Hop had realized he wasn't straight, but so long as Hop was around, there wasn't a lot of negative talk. Theo saw some of the looks behind Hop's back though, especially from some of the football team.

Those looks got worse when it was announced that Hop was extending his time in undergrad because he had changed his major, but that he would be finishing it down at OSU. Everyone on the hockey team was aware that Theo was heading there for veterinary school because the coach had been asking Theo if he was going to keep playing sports while he continued his schooling. Theo had been undecided but was open to it so long as the teams were fine with him being who he was.

"Look at Mr. Out and Proud," Trevor exclaimed as he and River came over on a Saturday night. He held up a small bisexual pride flag for Hop. "You're the hot talk of the sportsball groups right now."

Hop blushed a little at the attention and put the pride flag carefully on the kitchen table that he and Theo seldom used. "It's still kinda fresh and new to me," he said.

"Ignore Trev," River told Hop. "He's just happy to add another queer to our group. I can tell you kind of hate the attention right now, but it will die down soon enough. And on the plus side, the teams at OSU should be pretty progressive. Columbus, despite being in Ohio, is one of the most progressive cities in the entire state."

"Plus, word travels fast," Trevor added. "As you noticed from Theo's coming out. Things should be settled by the time you get down there. Besides, isn't Theo worth it?"

Theo shook his head and rolled his eyes at his friend. It was clear that Trevor was being serious, but at the same time, Theo didn't seem to agree with his friend entirely. Hop stared at Theo with an expression that conveyed his unequivocal agreement with Trevor. For good measure, he spoke up as well, "Yes, Theo is definitely worth it, but I came out for me. I don't want him thinking I did this for him and blaming himself when the assholes start assholing."

Trevor pointed at Hop to show he agreed with him, and normally Theo would have rolled his eyes again, but instead he looked over at Hop and smiled. He agreed that Hop coming out for himself rather than for him was the better reason to do it. This kind of care though was one of the reasons he had fallen for Hop.

"Well, I'm proud of you," Theo commented. "Even if all of the looks and whispers are making you uncomfortable."

"What worries me," Hop stated, "is whether they'll be stupid enough to come after someone close to me because they're cowards."

"They'd be stupid to," River said. "If they saw what happened on the ice when Theo got hurt, they wouldn't do it."

"It's just a few more months," Trevor added. "And then you'll be moving."

"I'm sure it will be fine," Theo replied to that. "No one would want to anger you, after all, even if one of us looks like an easier target for their anger or hatred."

Hop shook his head, trying to dislodge the sudden fear that something bad was going to happen. He hoped he was wrong about the dread he was feeling but it was hard to shake off the unsettling reaction he was experiencing.

For a while, it seemed like Hop's worries were truly unfounded because nothing was happening besides some odd looks on campus, but it was just three weeks after that conversation that something happened. Hop had gone home to work on a paper he had due while Theo had stayed behind to practice some shots on the ice. Theo met up with Trevor and River on the way back home.

The sun was just beginning to set and the street lights had come on, casting the campus in an orange light wherever they were. They were talking and laughing so they didn't notice that they were being followed. They weren't that far from where Theo and Hop lived when someone called out to make them stop. They turned to see one of the football players who River and Theo both recognized.

He walked toward them with a cocky smile on his face, and it made Theo want to get away from him. When he turned away, though, there were two other football players behind them, cutting off the way they were going. One of them was holding a baseball bat menacingly.

"Surely we can talk this through, fellas," Theo said to them while holding up his hands to show he didn't want this to turn into a fight.

"If Hop finds out you hurt someone he cares about, there's going to be hell to pay," River added in warning. "Didn't you see him on the ice back in November?"

That didn't seem to deter them though, as one of the guys stepped forward and swung at Theo. Theo turned fast enough that the hit glanced off of his cheek. It still hurt but nowhere near as much as it could have if he hadn't moved. Theo dropped his gym bag and hockey stick as he stumbled back, and Trevor came between them to punch the guy back as hard as he could.

Trevor may have focused his physical fitness in dance and swimming, but he was strong and in shape all over, and had grown up in a rough household until his aunt had adopted him. He knew how to fight, and had used it plenty growing up as someone out all through high school. The punch he threw hit the football player hard, sending him sprawling on the ground with a bleeding nose.

The footballer with the baseball bat looked furious and he swung the bat before Trevor had time to react to it. Theo and River could both hear the sound of bone breaking as the bat hit Trevor's knee, and Trevor's screams echoed all through the area. It made the few people still walking around the area, plus the frat houses nearby, turn their attention to their fight.

The footballer brought the bat back up and then slammed it down onto Trevor's ankle. Trevor let out another scream as the bones there broke, and Theo was seeing red. He grabbed his hockey stick and managed to block the next swing of the bat as it came down toward Trevor's other leg. Theo pushed forward hard, causing the footballer to stumble back before he used the hockey stick like a staff and slammed it hard into the guy's temple.

River could see a few people were on their phones, either calling 911 or recording what was going on, so he took the chance to run past the footballers and headed toward the house. He didn't have a key for their house so when he got to the door, he started slamming his fists on the door to get Hop's attention while screaming his name.