Late March
A bunch of us were at my family's bach the week before lockdown. It ramped up pretty fast and I'd be lying if I said all of us didn't freak out like... a lot. The two week long party we had planned was quickly put on hold, and the guys started heading back to their families. Everyone had last minute emergency flights booked from Napier, buses from Waipawa, trains and all. I helped drive them out- I was in the middle of my own personal breakdown on top of the fucking global pandemic and had no family to go to- so I guess I was riding out isolation like... truly fucking isolated. By myself in the backwaters of Hawkes Bay. I guess there were always the sheep to talk to.
Liam was the last to leave. I didn't know him that well, he was friends of friends you know? Really cool guy though, he was older and full of interesting facts and stuff. He'd always come in handy in a pub quiz... and he was kind of a babe if I was honest. I mean that's why we ended up where we ended up, right? I dropped him off at the bus station and sat in the car for a second, contemplating what the fuck I was going to do with myself for... Jesus, this could be months. I wasn't buying the four weeks, none of us were.
My reverie was broken by a tapping at my window. Liam was there, biting his lip.
"The last bus was just cancelled." He said as I wound down the window. He seemed shattered. I would be too. I looked at him for a second.
"Fuck." I said.
"Yeah." He said.
"I guess that's you with me then buddy." He winced.
"I could look into a hotel? They're doing stuff for people caught out..." I rolled my eyes.
"Get in Liam. We'll be fine. I'd rather have someone actually."
"Me too." He admitted.
We arrived back at the bach and turned on the daily briefing. Liam was calling his folks and explaining the situation while I made us coffee. We sat together around the radio- there was something calming in the silence between us, listening to Jacinda and Ashley laboriously going through information. I was exhausted. Liam was too, we were both a little teary although obviously neither of us was going to say anything about that. That would become our ritual, coffee by the radio with the little pot bellied stove roaring behind us.
That first night we didn't say much. I cooked us dinner and Liam promised he would tomorrow, we said goodnight and we retired to our rooms. I sheepishly bumped into him a little later as our emergency alerts went off and I leapt out of bed.
"Freak you out too?" He laughed as we made eye contact.
"Yeah man. Tea?" He nodded and I put the jug on. I glanced at him. "Whiskey?" Liam nodded eagerly and I poured a generous shot for each of us. We sat in silence until he started yawning, and for the second time we headed to bed for what I assume was a sleepless night for both of us.
I went for a run the next morning and when I got back Liam was out. Neither of us locked the door- you just didn't in a place like this. We might have been the only two people in the whole village- the nearest supermarket was a half hour drive and most of the houses here were holiday homes like mine. I took a shower and he appeared as I padded to my room, holding up a basket triumphantly.
"Went foraging." He said. I glanced at the mushrooms.
"You sure they're ok?" He laughed.
"Relax Jamie, I'm good at this kind of thing." I didn't doubt it. He fried them up with a shit ton of butter and served them on toast.
"Fuck, this is amazing." Liam shrugged.
"Yeah it's the butter. Good thing you like working out." I groaned. I did like working out but I had a feeling I wasn't exactly going to beat any deadlift goals over the next few weeks.
Liam read my mind.
"You can bench press me." He joked. As if. He was a little shorter than me and didn't look as muscled but Liam was a dancer and I'd seen how toned he was. I suspected he was a hell of a lot heavier than he looked. I gathered our dishes to wash them and put on another jug to boil.
"More coffee?"
"Huh, you drink almost as much as me." He said. It would be the third cup for both of us. I grinned.
--
I pulled out scrabble after washing up. Liam raised his eyebrows.
"I'm going to slaughter you." He said.
"Bring it." I said cockily.
He slaughtered me.
"312 to 200." I grimaced. "Damn dude." He shrugged.
"Andy's really good at scrabble, I got better playing him."
"How is Andy? Did he make it home?" Andy was Liam's boyfriend of a few years. Liam sighed.
"We broke up mate. Couple of months ago."
"Oh." I blushed. I guess I hadn't been paying that much attention. "Sorry dude." Liam shrugged.
"It's ok. Things weren't right. They never were actually..." He drifted off and blinked as he looked at me. "Sorry dude, you don't want to hear the decline and fall of some fag's relationship." I shrugged.
"If you want to talk about it we have like four weeks minimum, buddy. It may as well come up sooner rather than later." Liam smiled at me. We started another game of scrabble and he started to tell me all about Andy.
Andy sounded like a cunt. He sounded emotionally manipulative, jealous... he stopped Liam from taking roles in shows he'd got because he needed Liam to support him in his own failing creative endeavours. He slept around. The worst part was he dumped Liam. For a younger woman. That had to hurt.
"Well sounds like you're better off without him." I said, taking it in. Liam sighed.
"Maybe."
"Hmmm." I looked at him.
"What?"
"Think you might have a self esteem problem there bud." I said, smiling at him. "Fit, kinda famous, graduating with honours first class, knows how to forage mushrooms, beautiful blonde hair and you're worried about your out of shape spoken word poet ex who I personally know got fired from his pizza delivery job because he's a flake?" Liam blushed.
"Jesus Jamie, my ego can only get so big." He joked and cleared his throat. "What about you and what's her name? Haven't seen her in a while." I sighed. What's her name could have been anyone. Rebecca, Freya, Ingrid... it didn't matter. I only ever dated for a few months before I broke it off.
"You know me." I said grimly. "I don't stick around for long." Liam rolled his eyes.
"You're so straight it's gross." He said. I chuckled. Straight huh? I looked into his big brown eyes and he frowned a little at the intensity of my gaze. He looked away first. "Sorry." He mumbled. "Rude thing to say."
"It's ok. I know how it looks." I left it there.
I made him come for a walk with me before dinner, a brisk hike up the beach. We waved to an old lady with a dog from the other direction and she waved back gleefully. I think we all felt warmer for the human connection.
Liam and I collapsed, out of breath, and put the television on to watch the news. He called his folks and caught up with them while I made dinner again.
"Oh fuck sorry, it was totally my turn." He said as he returned.
"You made breakfast." I pulled out some beer and we settled in.
"Damn. You're a really good cook."
"You sound surprised."
"I am surprised." Liam smiled at me. "Don't be offended but you really don't seem the type." I laughed. I was not the type. But I had to get self sufficient really early on and I always liked a good feed.
Liam did the dishes while I tried to get a hold of Miro, my sister. She didn't pick up. Not that I was surprised, she ran out weeks ago after Dad lost it when she told him she was dropping out and keeping the baby. I picked up a book and opened a bottle of wine. I had a feeling this was gonna be a boozy few weeks. Liam sat down next to me and helped himself.
"Never, never, have I ever..." He said. I glanced up at him.
"Really?" He grinned.
"I couldn't sleep last night. Let's get fucking wasted." I put my book down. "Split my pants with my giant fucking ass while squatting at the gym."
"Fuck you." I gulped down my wine, laughing. I should never have told anyone that. Word gets around way too fast in Auckland. "Given a blow job." He rolled his eyes and drank.
"Eaten pussy." Well fair was fair. We were definitely going to get wasted at this rate- but this was just the warm up. You gotta get the ones you know the answer to out of the way.
"Fucked a guy." Liam sighed.
"Fucked a girl." He countered. I looked at him. He didn't drink. He narrowed his eyes. "Dude you have to drink." I sighed.
"No I don't." Liam frowned.
"What?" I spread my hands out with a shrug. Liam was shaking his head. "No way, man."
"What do you want me to say Liam? I'm a virgin ok?"
"No you're not." I rolled my eyes. "You've had so many fucking girlfriends."
"Yeah, well, so?" I shook my head. "Never, never, have I ever cheated on someone." I tried. Liam shook his head. He was still looking at me funnily, convinced I was lying.
"Received a blow job." He said, and drank, trying to get me to toast him. I raised an eyebrow and sat back. "Ok, ok time out." He said. "You're telling me you never, in all your years of multiple girlfriends, ever got a blow job?" I looked at Liam. I was starting to feel drunk. I wondered if I dared tell him. I mean, part of me really wanted to talk about it- I never had a therapist or anything like that so this was the first time I could. Another part of me realised I was stuck here with this guy for weeks and I didn't really want him knowing my shame. I sighed and leant in.
"I can't keep it up." I admitted. "I guess I have, like, ED or something. That's why I don't date for long. There's only so long you can make excuses for not wanting sex, even if you are really fucking good at oral." Liam's mouth fell open.
"Oh shit dude."
"It's ok. I don't mind. This way I never get hurt anyway, because there isn't exactly time to develop feelings before I have to dump them." Liam was shaking his head.
"That's the saddest thing I ever heard." He said.
"Oh what, because slaving over a guy who's clearly using you for your popularity and getting your heart broken when he finds someone else to leech off is sooo much better?" Liam blinked. Oh shit, were those tears? I blushed. "Fuck, Liam, that was way too far, sorry." He shook his head.
