Left Alone

Chapter 5: "That night I saw through all the magic"

(from Death of a Hero by Alec Benjamin)

Caleb sat at one of the benches just by the front entrance and watched everyone pass him by. He waited, digging his shoes into the cobblestone walkway while looking out for Liam's Charger. He'd been greeted this morning by a text from him, feeling like he could melt into the sheets of his Queen sized bed and never solidify again. There was a quirkiness in all of Liam's actions- like he'd been doubting if what he was doing was okay. It was endearing, really, to watch this seemingly confident boy try to navigate something so foreign to him. Caleb savored every sappy act because it too was foreign to him.

He put away his books, not fooling himself by thinking he'd actually try and catch up to the readings. Truth was, he'd been distracted the entire time Liam was there. And even after he left, The Canterbury Tales was the last thing on his mind. As he sat at the newly furnished dining room table, eating a meal that didn't come out of the microwave, he wondered if this is what being normal felt like. He went to bed that night, greeted by the posters and loose furniture they'd managed to put in place and he slept- no tossing or turning required.

Caleb saw Liam walking up through the parking lot, dressed in an olive shirt that rivaled his eyes. There was this way about Liam, how he weaved through the crowds like every step was made to avoid eggshells. It was like he'd perfected the art of being invisible. That was, until he caught sight of the boy he'd thought about all night, so much so that he had to text him this morning just to get some semblance of attention. Once their eyes locked, Liam beamed, adding a new spring in his step as he parted the sea of kids surrounding him and crossed over to the tanned boy.

"Hey" Caleb said, biting on his lip to prevent the blood from rushing to his face and turning a shade of bright red.

Liam slid into the bench beside him, sheepishly wishing him a "Good Morning" as he took in the scent of vanilla he loved so much.

"How did everything go with your mom?" He asked, feeling like the few inches between them were a few inches too far.

Caleb shrugged, "It went okay. She got in early this morning and cooked up an entire storm before I even woke up." He said as he reached into his bag and fished out a sandwich bag stuffed with pancakes still hot to the touch and perfectly crisp bacon that even gave Sal a run for his money. Liam reached for the food and took a bite, rolling his eyes back and he tasted the cinnamon and maple syrup that was somehow infused into the batter.

"Once I joined her in the kitchen, she spent the first ten minutes apologizing for missing my birthday, followed by another ten minute spiel about her newest charity. Caleb let out a laugh. "After that, she finally came around to notice that the house was unpacked to which she thoroughly expressed her gratitude. She made that especially for you, by the way." He said, pointing at the half eaten breakfast that Liam had yet to devour.

"Well tell her thanks from me" Liam said as he scarfed down the rest of the food and tossed the trash into the nearby bin.

Caleb nodded as he sat back into the green bench, asking, "How was the rest of your night?"

"Good." Liam said just before meeting those warm brown eyes. He corrected, "Really good actually. I sat my mom down and came out to her." He said, inhaling the fresh morning air that filled his lungs.

"Holy shit. How'd she take it?"

"Better than I thought. She was accepting and warm and I honestly feel like I don't have anything left to hide behind anymore." Liam draped his arm over Caleb's shoulder, finally being able to touch the boy who'd took up space in his mind the entire night. "I feel free."

Caleb felt the boy's heat on his body, burning hotter than the morning sun. Those few glimpses of a relaxed Liam seemed to have won the war because he'd been seeing more of that person lately. But mostly he saw the part of Liam was slowly growing comfortable in his own skin, as if it took eighteen years for his mind to adjust to the body it was given; every stretch of skin and every desire he held.

"I'm proud of you, you know."

Liam nodded as his fingertips tapped on the boy's shoulder like piano keys. With his free hand, he grasped Caleb's chin and lightly pulled until their faces met. He inched closer so that all Caleb could smell was the spearmint that oozed off his breath that nearly masked the bitter black coffee he knew he drank like water. "Is this is okay?" He asked, softly petting that stretch of freshly shaven skin.

"More than okay." Caleb responded just before he felt their lips press. Liam's kiss was slow and gentle- no movements or tongues, just the sanctity of the moment. He was sure people could see, but all of those faces were meaningless to him. He had Caleb- the boy who looked at him like he wasn't some trash from the wrong side of the tracks. And that was enough for him.

Liam pulled away before the bell took them out of that bubble. They were exposed now, grinning like idiots with a secret that anyone nearby would know. Liam fixed himself, feeling flushed just from a simple kiss as he got on his feet.

"We still on for lunch?"

"Definitely" Caleb replied with a wide smile. He let go of his grip on the boy's wrists, letting him walk off into the main building. He pulled his head back for a second, enjoying the sun until he felt a shadow cast over his face.

"Looks like things worked out for you and Lonely Boy" said a familiar voice with an inflection and a raised eyebrow.

Caleb snickered as he stood up, "Was it that obvious?"

Alicia shook her head, sending the strands of her hair flying through the breeze. "Not to all these oblivious fucks". She got on her tip toes and rested an elbow on Caleb's shoulder, "But people watching happens to be one of my pastimes."

"It was kinda unexpected, but in a good way" he explained as they walked towards the front steps.

"Good- cause the last time we talked about him, I could barely say anything without you freaking out." Caleb turned to protest just as Alicia pursed her lips and gave him a knowing look. This girl couldn't be fooled.

"A lot happened this weekend." He said, not wanting to give away too many details. Those he wanted to keep to himself- knowing full well that he'd think about them the entire day if he could.

Alicia nodded, "I'll say. I mean who would have guessed Liam Holt was gay?" She sighed loudly, "It's always the cute, quiet ones."

"Shut up" he said, picking up his speed while shaking his head.

The short pixie cut girl caught up to him and stuck her tongue out, "You're just mad cause that applies to you too."

***

Later on that week, Liam was over at Caleb's place, shyly ringing the doorbell as he hooked his fingers on the straps of his backpack. They hadn't had much time together outside of school since last weekend. Liam intentionally gave Caleb some space, encouraging the boy to actually spend some time with his mom now that she was back. He agreed, only after the older boy showered him with kisses in the parking lot after school one day. Deep down, he knew how much of a hypocrite he was- considering the fact that half of his home life wasn't so picturesque. But his dad wasn't around- and no matter what he thought, the only person that pushed him away was himself. So even though he couldn't have that perfect family, he knew that Caleb still had the opportunity to mend what was ripping at the seams.

He waited at the front door, seeing Caleb's shadow in the frosted side light as he came up towards the door. He pulled it open, dragging Liam in by the collar and pressing his lips firmly against his. Liam responded by grabbing the boy's face and pressing their foreheads together.

Caleb pulled off, grinning like a fool, "I missed you."

"We were on the phone for hours last night." Liam said as he exhaled and straightened his shirt.

Caleb shrugged, "Yeah but hearing your voice and being able to hold you are two different things." He hooked his fingers on Liam's and the two interlocked their hands.

"Had your fill?" He asked, quickly pulling away from one of Caleb's kisses, leaving the boy grunting.

The younger boy pecked Liam on the cheek as he pulled him into the house. "For now" he said with a wink.

A few minutes later, they were stretched out on Caleb's bed. The younger boy was typing out an essay so fast that he worried the keys would fall out while resting his head on Liam's lap. He however, had his back against the headboard, using one hand to flip through the pages of a paperback novel he had to read, leaving the other free to tangle into Caleb's hair. It was peaceful he thought, losing his place as he dug his fingers into Caleb's scalp.

The younger boy exhaled loudly and pulled his fingers off the keys like he'd just finished a paragraph that seemed it would never end. He pulled his head back and looked at Liam who'd been chuckling.

"What's got you so intense?" He asked, pulling the laptop away and setting it on the nightstand.

Caleb replied, "It's this writing assignment for Kirkman's class. Everyone gets to pick the format and the topic is pretty much whatever we want."

Liam nodded, "Ah the midterm paper. Why didn't you to write a poem like everyone else?"

"You mean write up a few lines of bullshit. You want my grade to depend on a haiku?" He asked, rolling his eyes.

Shaking his head with a laugh, Liam corrected, "You could write whatever you want and just claim it's creative expression." He said, with air quotations. Caleb flicked him off resting his head back into Liam's warm thigh.

The older boy grabbed the laptop and turned to Caleb, "Here, let me take a look. Do you mind?"

"Not at all- just go easy on me, it's pretty rough."

Liam nodded and replaced the laptop on the nightstand with his paperback book. He cast his eyes onto the white screen, starting from the beginning of a word document that read six or so pages long. It was a memoir, he picked up quickly, recounting a family trip the Torres' had taken to the Philippines. Liam's eyes wandered to every word, piecing together a part of Caleb's life that was so vivid, he felt like he could have been there: from the way the humid air fell on his skin when they walked out of the airport, to hearing his descriptions of little shack houses in his father's province of Pampanga constructed of tin and two by fours with every color of the rainbow. The boy went into great detail about his aging grandparents and how their faces lit up with joy upon seeing their only son, beloved daughter-in-law and of course, Caleb.

Caleb watched, lying at the edge of the bed by Liam's outstretched legs as the boy's eyes moved across the screen as quickly as he'd written the words down. But the older boy was too engrossed to even know he was being watched. There was a sense of longing in Caleb's writing. The undertones of his words made it seem like something he'd desperately wanted to relive: to see his family together, his parents as carefree as he'd ever seen, and a place so beautiful, he figured it could only exist in his mind. Every word seemed handpicked like small, intricate pieces of a bigger picture he hadn't seen yet. As much as Caleb would protest, it felt like poetry with the words as beautiful in of themselves just as they stood, flowing together like an endless stream of imagery.

Liam set the laptop down and pulled Caleb's hands to his. He kissed the palm, feeling the blanket of sweat that formed at the underside out of nerves. "It's damn good" he assured, taking on the boy's hazel eyes. "You write in a way that makes me feel like I lived it too."

Caleb flashed a sheepish smile and shrugged his shoulders, "Thank you- really. But I just wrote what felt right- it's like the words needed to come out of me."

"Look, Caleb, I'm not just saying this because it's you. This" he pointed towards the open word doc, "Is amazing. And it's not because you're reliving a memory, it's amazing because you wrote it that way. You have a talent."

The younger boy could feel Liam's hand pressing into his wrist. Like his fingers were trying to find a pulse and tell the him that his words weren't bullshit or said on his account. He felt that- deep inside himself- the part that had struck a core with his writing.

"I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind."

"Is it something you think you'd wanna do?"

"Of course" Caleb said with a glint in his eye as if he'd just struck gold. He exhaled, looking over at Liam. "But I can't." He formed a fake smile, "My parents are immigrants, man. Kids like me don't get to pick any major we want or go search for our passion. We choose between sensible options- I either pick up a lab coat, a law book or a calculator."

"You can't seriously believe that."

"It doesn't matter what I believe." Caleb said with a shrug. "My parents would never go for it. And if they can't support me on this, then I don't see it happening."

Liam sat back into the headboard, a little defeated. He didn't want to drive a wedge between Caleb and his parents- he knew that each of them just wanted the best for each other. But imagining the boy who meant everything to him living a life that wasn't his.

"What about you? I mean, I'm not the only one graduating in a few months."

Liam gazed out the window for a few seconds. It was the first time someone had ever asked him about his future- at least in a way that elicited a non-bullshit answer. He hadn't even had this conversation with his mom- probably the only other person besides Caleb who deserved to know what he had planned. Truth was, when you're too busy living your life day to day, it's hard to make plans for anything long term.

"I applied to a few schools- mostly just to see if I was good enough." He looked over at Caleb, "I don't know if college is in my future: I'll need to bust a thousand or so tables just to try and afford the tuition, and I don't know if I could ever leave my mom." He smiled a bit, "But I needed to at least try, you know? In a few months, even if all I get is a pile of rejection letters, then at least I know I did as much as I could."

Caleb shook his head playfully, "You always do this."

"Do what?"

"Simplify things." Caleb looked over at the confused boy. "Whenever I think I figured it out, you come along and show me there are other options."

Liam inhaled deeply. He knew that most of his life, the people in Clover expected something of him. It was like no matter how much he just wanted to live his life, invisible barricades were constructed around him, pointing him in the direction everyone else wanted him to go.

"Why do I feel like this isn't just about college?"

He looked at Caleb with a weak smile. It was time: he wanted to tell the boy everything and he held, with the highest of hopes, that he wouldn't think less of him.

"Since I was born, everyone always expected me to follow a certain path. For a while that meant staying in my shitty neighborhood and getting a job like everyone else who never leaves. But I don't want to be stuck here left to make the same mistakes that my dad did because he felt like he had no other choice."

"I'm not following."

Liam sighed. "My dad didn't just go away, Caleb. He's in prison, serving out a sixteen year sentence for first degree robbery." Liam took a second before continuing on. It was the first time he'd actually been able to tell someone that without pretense. Most of the people in Clover knew stories like that were common and Willy Holt's arrest was unfortunately one that the people had heard many times before.

"My dad got laid off when that warehouse out by Harrington closed down. Dozens of people around town lost their jobs overnight and suddenly had no means of supporting their families. Mom started taking extra shifts at the hospital while dad picked up any odd job he could find to help us get by. Those times were tough, but we always had each other."

Caleb reached out and took hold of Liam's hand. The boy held on tight, nearly cutting off circulation as his fingers wrapped around Caleb's hand like it was a beating heart.

"It got better after that. Dad started coming home with groceries- and I'm talking all the snacks that a kid like me wished he could have. And then the snacks turned into clothes and those turned into toys and soon our little two bedroom house started to feel like a real mansion. I really thought things were going to turn around for us."

"And then one night, dad didn't come home. My mom got called into the police station a few hours later and we found out he and some other guy were arrested trying to rob a house not too far from here. I got to see him that night- through a set of bars. He reached out to me and said not to worry, and that things would be okay."

Liam looked over at Caleb who'd worn the same blank expression he had on. "I think that's when I realized that he was lying the whole time. All that stuff that we got was either stolen or bought with the money he'd received pawning off whatever he took. Almost immediately our house was empty with everything either repossessed or sold off to try and cover the debts. Mom and I packed up a few boxes of stuff that was legitimately ours and moved into a tiny apartment off the main street. I knew that night that I didn't want to be anything like him.

Caleb broke his silence, curling his body into Liam's side until the boy folded and rested his head on the younger boy's chest. His emerald eyes were surrounded by stubborn tears that wouldn't fall- mixing into a color that Caleb had never seen before.

"You're not your father, Liam. His mistakes cast shadows on your life but it's your choice whether or not you want to follow them."

Liam only nodded, still too choked up to try and express any gratitude that he felt. Caleb's voice came softly, asking, "Have you seen him since?"

He shook his head. "I stopped going to visit him about two years ago. And even when I did go, he spent half the time trying to get me to talk to him. Shit I don't even go by William or Willy anymore."

Liam dug his head further into Caleb's chest. He could feel the boy's heartbeat pressing against the back of his skull like a slow and reaffirming pat on the shoulder. "It got to hard to see or even think about him. He stole that perfect life that we could've had- a nice house like this and a family that was more than two thirds full."

Caleb stroked the boy's arms, feeling his body react to the touch like a magnet. "I don't have all the answers- shit my life is far from perfect either. But I know that sometimes we gotta do things for ourselves and make our own paths- ones that we'll be proud to have left behind."

Liam bore his eyes into the younger boy, digging into his hazels like he'd been trying to unearth a truth for many years now. Caleb leaned against the head board, feeling the warmth of Liam's embrace trickle down to his toes. He didn't say it out loud, but he'd made up his mind. Soon, he'd sit his parents down and tell them about the path he wanted to forge for himself. Whether or not he thought it could work, he owed it to himself (and the boy who lay beside him) to try. He reached for Liam's jaw and, bringing it closer, sealed their lips together. Everything was out in the open. No more secrets, nor past lives left to be discovered.

As they cuddled up against each other, Liam's ears honed in on the music that was playing off Caleb's speaker. He hadn't noticed it earlier- unable to hear anything over the reverberating heartbeat that pounded in his chest as he felt the demons making their escape. He listened to the guitar as it played, charging into the chorus of a song he didn't know.