Justification

Justification:

It has been said that the most frightening person is not the one who commits the act, but he who can justify what has happened. So to this extent, he lay still in the arms of his lover, staring up at the ceiling considering the multitude of sins washing over him, his soul, corrupted? His mother would surely have said at that moment should she have walked into the room and seen him there. He could justify what he had just done as it felt natural, it felt right, and that's what worried him the most. How could he disregard everything he had been brought up to believe was right and recognise as morally true when in such a short time, he had accepted the opposite path to here, to where he was. He couldn't accept that, yet, in his mind the justification fort he act was beginning to formulate.

He lowered his head onto the ruffled pillow, staring at the face beside him, its eyes closed and still but the person very much awake. A grin was stretched across his face, beads of both their sweats mixed together, moisture from his lips where he had kissed him in passion. This man, his lover, but how had he got to this? How had he chosen to do this act?

Ashley sat alone at the table in the canteen, his 'friends' from work sitting on the opposite table in their social group talking amongst themselves. While he considered putting in the effort to socialise, the will to do so was just not there. He felt alone, he had ever since he had broke up with his girlfriend, or to be technically honest, his girlfriend had dumped him. And that had been that as far as the youth with a full spirit and a keen outlook on life was concerned, things had never been the same since. He missed that person that stared back at him in the mirror, for so long now it had become a lifeless being, staring blankly at the form before him, doing the same routine, studying, working, going to sleep that it became a cycle he could just not get out of. He needed to break the routine, do something unexpected, anything that would bring back that person.

He looked up, a new staff member in blue stood by him. He reached down to his iPod cycling it to mute and took his head phones out pausing the music track. While he could have just ignored the guy, he had enough manners to realise he was being asked if the seats were taken, a show of respect and at the very least he felt compelled to offer an empty seat beside him.

"Hi" the guy, the boy Ashley realised, he wasn't a day over 18. He had a youthful appearance about him, one that gave him a good presentable image. As much as he tried to avoid falling into stereo typing people, his work colleagues did cover a broad spectrum of distinguishable characters, the pretty and rude boys each trying in vain to get into the girls knickers using different persuasions and techniques. The quiet and desperate sorts that sat alone, like himself, Ashley considered smiling slightly, and a wide range of females, the smart quite types, the loud and confrontational sort. This guy, well, ordinarily he might have considered him quite the pretty boy, and that was an unfair judgement.

"Hi" Ashley replied pushing the seat out with his foot with the guy took. He was in his own way quite good looking, perhaps a little under 6 foot tall, thin but toned, his chest probably some type of beer pack. His face was defined, a testament to a life at the gym. Sadly, he had the gelled hair that many a young man had, spiked upwards at most angles presenting an uncared for yet maintained style, a contradiction in itself which many adults labelled this age group to be.

"Did you start today?" Ashley asked pushing his mp3 player into his pocket glancing down at his mobile phone.

"Yeah. I dunno if you know my sister Carol but she got me this job, kinda bugs me though" he said setting his sandwich down. While he didn't know it, the lad had already scored marks with him. The canteen was famed for being nice to its customers, but treating like shit those who brought there own food; and eating so openly in front of the stuff made Ashley smile.

"Names Ashley by the way" he said extending his hand. The guy took it returning the slight hand shake.

"Paul" he replied, taking another bite out of his sandwich and drinking from the water bottle. Paul, Ashley considered, a pretty decent mate, one wearing slightly to much CK1 aftershave but that couldn't be faulted. He had worn that himself for a while before he had been given some Huge Boss as a present and now wore that. Staring at look he could see, characteristics of his name sake, the good look athletic type, famed for being with the nice beautiful girls, making sure people like him stayed in the shadows. His own self doubt almost forced him to resent this guy before he had given him a chance.

"Shit if it bugs you already, wait till you're here two years from now. You'll be ready to kill yourself" Ashley said laughing, looking at Pauls eyes, shaking his head slightly as he looked away. Paul grinned staring at Ashley, before looking back down. Ashley blushed slightly, feeling the warmth in his cheeks and fumbling desperately for his phone as he unlocked it, grinning at the 'text' he suddenly got. Hot flashes? Had he ever felt those?.

"It's not that, I was sorta, well.. I dunno" he said shaking his head.

"Sorta what?" Ashley asked curiously bending his head.

"I was forced out of my old job slightly. Carol took pity and got me this but it just feels so fucked up that I can't get my own life together, I have to count on her to bale me out all the fucking time" he said softly, staring intently at the checked pattern on the table. Many an hour had Ashley stared at that pattern while sharing an awkward silence around a table with his work mates. But when he looked at Paul sitting so quietly, he couldn't help but feel sorry for him, wondering what had driven him from that job into this, certainly not the most forward of career prospects.

"Why were you forced out?" Ashley asked, trying to mix his voice with compassion and curiosity, hardly succeeding he conceded but always worth a shot. Paul looked up, Ashley for the first time noticing the swelling of his eye lids, seeing the moisture on the face of his, friend. He stood and walked around the table casually, pulling out the chair beside Paul and taking a seat, there by creating a natural barrier between anyone curious to look over and see the new guy crying, hardly what one needed on their first day of work.

Paul smiled then, a strange smile that put Ashley slightly on edge.

"Clash of opinions, they didn't like mine, they forced me out of there and I had no fucking choice. Not before they did this though" Paul said raising his right hand. A pretty deep scar was visible now on Paul's right hand, it was healed in the technically sense but it would never fully heal or go down, it was a reminder for life of who he was. It was shaped like the tale of a letter rising up, two points pulling off, the top long and the middle tale much shorter, almost not visible where it had gone down.

"What is that?" Ashley asked, almost tentatively reaching out and taking Paul's hand, holding it in his own as he did so.

"It's an F, at least that's what I guess it to be. The manager arrived shortly after they had begun, docked them a weeks salary. Its amazing what a person in that position does when its someone close to them" Paul went on taking his hand back. Ashley stared after it. He had this sudden, unexplainable impulse to take Paul's hand and kiss it all over, a firm belief in the faith that many kisses to the afflicted area the top of the guys hand, would result in it healing. It was a nasty scar, and he had no idea why someone would try and do this to him.

"Fuck em" Ashley said, smiling slightly. The two individuals sat in a quiet silence for nearly 15 minutes after that until Ashley had to go back downstairs. It wasn't awkward at all, not the type of silence where traditionally you were forced to speak bull shit and just alienate the person, in a way he couldn't explain, he had clicked with Paul, felt some type of connection he hadn't felt in over a year, he felt comfortable and content to just sit with the lad, and when he walked down the aisle back to work, all he could think about was Paul, Paul getting his hand cut, how he must have been so brave to have just continued on. He had a measure of respect growing within him for this guy.

Ashley worked for the rest of the night serving customers, functioning on what could only be described on auto-pilot, an aviation term referring to a series of actions following a set process. And oh how felt like he was doing that, turning around, helping the customer, taking the money, smiling, saying thank you then doing the same routine, over and over. Towards the end of the night he was just glad to have finished and walked out to his car after signing out. It was a small, dark red m-reg ford fiesta, hardly the sportiest of cars on the market but the insurance was low, the petrol consumption was decent enough and he enjoyed driving it. So when he pulled out onto the main road, with his music playing, it was with a sense of pride. And then he saw Paul walking along by himself.

He pulled over beeping his horn and opened the door. Paul smiled and climbed in, pulling the door shut and turning the knob on the heater. A blast of warm air came out, Ashley only realising cold he had been.

"Where do you live? Is it near?" Ashley asked pulling away, feeling his heart starting to thump in his chest. Why the hell was he suddenly feeling this way? What was it? The slight mixture of sweat and aftershave filling the car, he had to admit to himself he was starting to enjoy the smell of his new friend.

"Its nearby, are you sure you don't mind?" Paul asked, looking down at his hand, rubbing his finger over his scar. Ashley nodded smiling, putting his hand on the gear stick changing down a gear. He moved to push it back up when he felt Paul's rest down on his, the touch of his hand sending little shocks up his spine. He shivered slightly, Paul feeling the sudden movement and lifting his hand back up. Ashley turned, looking at Paul blushing.

"Its ok, put it back, please" Ashley said putting his foot on the break as the car came to a stop at a set of lights. Paul tentatively lowered his hand, pushing his fingers between Ashley. Ashley turned his hand and took Paul's, gripping his fingers and squeezing. He felt Paul's fingers begin to stroke the surface of his hand, tracing the lines of his knuckles, the heat and the moisture mixing with his. He had held hands before, but never with a guy. Was it such a big deal? Was it the fear of just doing this thing beyond the norm, or was it perhaps the thrill of finding new love, despite who it was.

"It's green" Paul said smiling. He was snapped back to reality and lifted the clutch up to fast stalling the car. He pulled his hand free, fumbling with the keys as he turned the car back on. He cursed quietly and followed the direction of Paul's fingers turning left and accelerating down the road, slowing as he got stuck in the traffic. Paul pulled his hand off the steering wheel, holding it tightly and Ashley smiled and let him have this power, this control. The fear within him was subsided by a desire to let Paul has his way with his hand. What was happening to him? He felt his hand guided down and rested on Paul's thigh. It was released and he left it there, trembling slightly but slowly moving forward and back, stroking it. He pushed his fingers into Paul's leg, feeling the tight, well toned surface beneath.

Ashley moved his hand up his leg, feeling it, oh my, there it was, Ashley thought feeling it poking out, stretching the material around the crotch of Paul's black jeans. This was it, this was what he had been thinking about since he had talked so openly to this guy. The side of his hand was pressed against the erect flesh, separated so devastatingly by a thin layer of material. He swallowed hard, moving the car forward and down the road. With his right hand he was driving, with his left he was being suggestive to a guy he had only known a short time. Why was he doing this? Where had this urge and desire come from.

Paul itched his thigh and Ashley pulled his hand away changing gears and following Paul's directions, driving quickly now, a sudden urge to arrive at his house filling him. Still, the closer he got, the more nervous he was of what was going to happen. This couldn't happen, this couldn't be more than, what? An epic romance, his parents would never accept this, his friends wouldn't, no one would. But he could, couldn't he. So he turned onto Paul's road and parked outside his house, turning the keys and shutting the engine off. Both sat in silence for a moment, Ashley's heart thumping in his chest as he stared forward.

He felt a hand around his neck and dropped his head forward, a thumb pressing down on his spine, rubbing softly. Paul's fingers pushed into the flesh, rubbing softly. Still, he couldn't shake off the feeling he was sitting here, doing this, thing, for want of a better word, with a guy. How liberal he professed to be towards the idea of same sex relationships when in reality he was in a situation he couldn't bring himself to face.

"Are you alright?" Paul asked softly. Ashley nodded, feeling his body start to shake. Why did he always do this, it was probably nerves, he realised but still. What signal was he sending out? that he was nervous? Scared? Feeling pressure to be here when in reality he didn't want to be?.

"I'm a bit cold the heating in here is shit." Ashley said fumbling for the heating control knob on the instrument panel. Paul's hand rested on top of his, turning the control, a blast of warm air from the radiator blasting out. Paul pulled it back up to his face, stroking the top of Ashley's hand against his cheek. He pulled it over his lips, with what could pass as the lightest of kisses caressing his skin. There was barely any contact of skin between the two, but enough to send a thousand tiny shocks down his body, shaking now all the more.

Paul separated his fingers and pulled one into his mouth, sucking his finger tip gently, his tongue flicking inside his mouth, tracing Ashley's finger nail. His lips fastened around the finger and he looked up into his driving friends eyes, Ashley barely able now to hold himself together now, small tears rolling down his cheeks. Paul released the finger and reached across, cupping Ashley's cheek, pulling him around gently. He leaned forward and planted a gentle kiss on those lips, turning his head slightly as it was returned with some passion, with some life. Ashley's breath escaped in a puff as Paul pulled away, smiling slightly, stroking his cheek gently with a finger.

"Look at you, this morning you were straight as fuck now you making out with a guy in your car" Paul joked grinning. Ashley nodded, smiling, his body no longer trembling, well, in a different way now. He was beginning to accept his situation, one, not so unpleasant as he had feared. Who might be watching them outside the car, staring through the windshield at the couple 'making out', that phrase really pissed him off. Kissing, sharing an act that signified their love. That sudden thought scared him slightly but he didn't pull away, he tried to keep his face as neutral as possible, wanting to regain some element of control in this situation.

"Yeah well, that's not what's bothering me" Ashley said looking away slightly.

"What is?" Paul asked, worried slightly.

"I dunno, I always just thought it would be a girl I'd be kissing in here first, not a guy. I dunno, its not important is it" Ashley said smiling. He reached up himself now, pulling Paul's head forward and kissing him, his tongue leaving his mouth and tasting Paul for the first time. Paul pulled away giggling, Ashley pulling his tongue back into his mouth. He reached for the door handle to open the door, Ashley panicking slightly and gripping Paul's arm tightly.

"It's late and I said I'd be home now" Paul said pulling the handle and pushing the door open with his foot. Ashley nodded staring down at the steering wheel and resting his head on it. Paul looked in the car, hesitantly, and lent back down leaning into the car.

"If you wanna come in you can, I mean my mum is usually watching TV in her room by now. Up to you" Paul offered. Ashley smiled and opened his door, pushing his door shutting and turning the key in the lock, the sound of the central locking present. He walked around the car and followed Paul up the garden path, again, feeling his body start to tremble slightly. He gripped his right arm, squeezing it tightly, trying his best to control it. Paul opened the door, kicking off his shoes and holding it open as Ashley followed him in. They stayed only a short time downstairs them climbed up onto the first floor, entering Paul's room where he shut the door gently.

Ashley sat on Paul's bed staring around the room. It was unremarkable in its décor, posters of football players, a calendar with a semi naked woman openly exposing her breasts, a glowing clock on the wall above a desk packed to its limit with equipment and gadgets. What females generally referred to as boy's toys, a computer, a stereo, TV, DVD player and a games console surrounded by numerous clutter. How he could sleep in here was beyond him but, it was in a way very similar to his.

"I've got a floor mat if you wanna stay over?" Paul offered pulling his bed a bit straighter. Ashley shrugged, relaxing slightly as Paul turned the main light off, switching a small bedside light on. The soft light shone on him, warming him slightly, reminding him just how cold he was. Paul knelt down in front of him, taking Ashley's clamped hands, kissing them softly, Ashley smiling and shutting his eyes, leaning backwards, his head resting against the wall. Paul stood and climbed up onto the bed, straddling him, kneeling over his body, unbuttoning Ashley's shirt and exposing his chest. A wave of goose bumps raised up on his skin, in part as a result of Paul's actions and how cold he was.

Paul used his thumbs and rubbed Ashley's stiff nipples, touching them gently as Ashley winced.

"Sorry, my chests cold, they get painful when its cold" Ashley explained. Paul lowered his head, blowing onto them. Ashley felt like his chest was exploding, waves of hot and cold air running down his bare skin. The contact between Paul's tongue and the tough skin of his nipple was almost more than he could take, he bit his lip slightly as Paul sucked on them gently, licking, blowing, dribbling hot saliva on his chest. Everything he could to make them less painful for Ashley. He reached up and held Paul's head down against his chest, squeezing his eyes shut now as Paul licked a trail across his chest to the other nipple, going to work, his hands working their way down to Ashley's jeans.

How he tensed up was noticeable, but any effort to stop him didn't occur so Paul gripped the metal of the zip and pulled it down, fumbling with the button and pulling them open. He cupped Ashley's penis through the fabric of y's, holding it gently, licking intently. Ashley was turning on Paul's bed now, writhing under the touch and the kisses, trying to restrain himself. The pleasure he was feeling was not like any he had felt with a girl, with anyone. Only a brief experience with a toy had come close to this, a toy that had gone somewhere no one knew about, is this what he wanted? Could he ask Paul to do that to him? Would that be acceptable.?

"What do you want?" Paul asked quietly. Ashley covered his eyes with his arm, reaching down with his other arm and releasing his penis from his underwear. Paul nodded and pulled his friends jeans off, licking his lips and lowering his mouth down onto it, pushing the foreskin back, sucking the top. He went down gently, feeling it touch the back of his throat. Ashley's mind was racing with a thousands thoughts and meanings to what was going on. In the end, he just lay back and accepted it, trying to understand how he would explain this to himself after wards, when the 'moment' had passed. He wasn't that naïve to realise that when his hormones took over, he could and would do most things but he knew that when reality struck, he would have a lot to justify to himself.