I wasn't as nervous about returning to school until that morning. I spent the entire drive mentally kicking myself. Ayden was beside me and I could tell he was watching me, so I tried to keep my fear hidden. After all, I was the one who got us in this stupid situation so I had to be the one to stay strong through it.
It's hard to say what I felt. I'd never regret letting the world know who I am and who I love, but it really felt a lot like regret. I guess mostly I was just scared for Ayden. My real regret was possibly endangering him. I had to put on my best brave face asI parked my truck and we went inside the school.
It was like that moment in the movies, where a character walks in and the buzz of conversation just stops and everyone stares. I used to think those scenes were so fake. There was no way that could actually happen. Well, I was wrong. Turns out, that does happen.
"I think I'm gonna be sick," Ayden whispered.
I put my arm around his shoulders and curled him in to my chest. I wanted to protect him from all the stares. There were a few gasps at me hugging him, like that was some horrible thing. I thought about flipping them off, but Ayden was more important.
"I can drive you back home," I said. "You don't have to be here."
"No," he said. "I should be here for you."
I could have kissed him right there. I would've too, but the school bell rang. I sighed and looked at him.
"Good luck today," he said, but he didn't move away from me.
"It's gonna be fine," I said.
He smiled at me, but I could tell he was still terrified. I watched him reluctantly turn and leave. I stood there until I saw him enter the administration office. It had been decided he would still be doing his classwork there, for his own safety. I was definitely glad for that.
I went to my first class and the looks I got made it clear I wouldn't be welcome to sit in my usual seat surrounded by my friends. I went to the creaky, broken desk in the back corner and put in one ear bud. Ayden had put a bunch of new songs on my iPod and I really needed to keep him on my mind so I wouldn't do anything stupid.
Chelsea was in my class and through the music I heard her sobbing. Though I knew I would regret it, I turned off the music just in time to hear her saying, "He doesn't even care! He doesn't even care that our baby is dead!"
At that point everyone turned to glare at me. I should have known Chelsea wouldn't have been able to stand not being the center of attention. The looks on everyone's faces made me pretty sure if there had been any spare wood on hand, they probably would have burned me at the stake. I knew I didn't deserve it, but it's pretty damn hard to stay confident in that when the people you grew up with look ready to kill you.
I guess I'm not completely innocent. It was wrong of me to use Chelsea to figure out my sexuality. Maybe my coming out shouldn't have been so public. But I don't think any of that should have earned me an old-school Catholic punishment.
Luckily, the teacher came in and started the lesson. I put my music back on and doodled in my book. I thought about going all Cartman on the situation. Just saying, "Screw you guys, I'm going home." That's what sucks about growing up. That's not an option. I'd have to face it eventually.
After the bell, I waited for everyone to clear out. I half expected there to be a group waiting for me in the hall, but there wasn't. That should have been my first clue something was wrong. In fact, after that, the whole day felt surreal. I got the angry looks and the whispers behind the back, but I kept expecting something worse.
"Are you OK?" Kitty asked at lunch.
I sighed. "Yeah. I just feel weird about everything."
"Well...I don't know what to tell you, Josh. You pretty much shocked a lot of people. And I'm sure you've heard what Chelsea's been saying..."
"You know that's all bullshit!"
Kitty patted my shoulder. "I know, Josh. But people are on edge. Mr. Harvey had a heart attack yesterday and some people are—"
I cut her off. "They're fucking blaming me for that? I didn't even really know the guy!"
"I know, but people are saying he was really shocked at what happened."
"So what else am I being accused of here? All I fucking did was kiss my boyfriend!"
Kitty looked around. "Lower your voice, Joshua," she said in a stern tone. "Look, surely you knew that coming out like that would shock the town and if not then you're a dumbass."
I felt my eyes go wide. She never talked like that.
"You're a brave dumbass, though," she added. "And I'm proud of you." She patted my shoulder again. "And you know I'll always be here for you and Ayden."
I sighed and rubbed my forehead. "I have a really bad feeling about today," I admitted.
"Well...obviously."
I smiled at her attempted humor. "Just make sure Ayden's alright. I don't want anything bad to happen to him."
"Josh, it's sweet that you want to protect him, but you have to realize he knew just as well as you what could happen if he walked onto the field...and he did it anyway."
I left the cafeteria feeling very lucky to have Ayden, but still incredibly stupid for making my political statement in a stadium full of bigots.
***
I texted Kitty and asked her to take Ayden home for me. I had football practice and I didn't want him to have to hang around. As soon as that text was sent, I got one from my mom. She was worried about my day and I told her everything was OK.
I went into the locker room and everyone was there waiting for me. No one was changing or anything. I felt like my heart had jumped into my throat. Of course, I'd expected this, but there was no way I was missing practice. I wasn't going to give the coaches any reason to kick me off the team.
I looked around awkwardly. "Uh...hey," I said. I was proud my voice didn't crack.
"Hey, faggot," Cameron said. He spat at my shoes.
"Guys, we need to get going. Practice starts soon," I said. I went to my locker, but I was careful not to turn my back on them.
"Yeah, you would want us to get naked," Eric accused.
"Fucking queer!" Laramie added.
"Guys, chill the fuck out. None of you are my type," I said. It was getting harder to keep my cool.
"Yeah, you prefer to take it in the ass from faggy emo kids," Cameron said. Everyone got a good laugh out of that.
"Fuck off," I muttered.
"What was that?" Cameron said, playing to his audience.
"Fuck off," I repeated, louder. "It's none of your business what I do or who I do it with."
The three of them were circling me now, with a few other guys behind them. "We don't appreciate queers in our locker room," Eric said. The others nodded in agreement.
