Josh's Journal

Kitty helped me load up the back of my truck with some things for Ayden's family, but she didn't have time to go with me. She had called an early morning practice for the band. I drove down the maze of dirt roads to his sad looking little house. He was waiting for me in the same clothes he'd worn last night.

I unloaded the boxes and carried them to the front steps of his house. Ayden seemed reluctant to accept everything when he saw how much it was, but then his sisters came out and squealed in delight as they started pulling clothing out of one box.

Ayden gave a small smile. "Careful not to get everything dirty," he warned.

The girls looked up at me and smiled. The oldest one said, "I'm glad you took his cock that one time."

I'm pretty sure my face turned red trying not to laugh and also not to think about the obvious.

Ayden sighed in a good natured way and got on to her. "Mary, for the last time, please stop saying cock. Take Anne and Lucy inside. Give Jenny a bottle and you guys play. We can look at all these nice things later."

The girls danced their way inside. Ayden started to grin as he watched them disappear. I was glad to see him smile at their happiness.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

"Don't..." he said. "Just don't bring that up..."

I dropped it, but I was curious. How many guys had he sucked off for money?

I picked up a few boxes and gave him a look that made it clear I was going inside. The inside of the house smelled a bit sour. Ayden pushed his hair out of his eyes as he set the box of canned corn on the counter in a dingy kitchen.

"Thank you," he said. There was an unspoken 'Good bye' at the end of that.

I wasn't going to leave just yet. I probably should have. I just didn't know what was about to happen. The baby started crying and Ayden went to her. He picked her up and she giggled right away and gave him sloppy kisses. It was cute. I was glad I got to see that. The rest, not so much.

"Boy! Get back here!" a gruff voice called out.

Ayden gave me a look that said not to follow him, but I had kind of started staring at his ass and so it didn't register until I was already following behind him like a horny puppy.

The man in the room was so big, I could barely see the bed holding him up. He was naked, but he was so large that I couldn't see anything. He was the source of the sour smell. "Who is he?" the man demanded.

Ayden seemed to shrink right in front of me. "He...he brought us some things..."

The man grumbled and moved his sausage-like arms to scratch his head. "How did you get those, son?" he asked derisively, making some pretty illustrative hand gestures.

I wanted to hit that man. He knew! He knew what Ayden had been doing and he was making fun of him for it! I clenched my fist tight. Ayden still looked so small. He hung his head and mumbled something I couldn't understand then he turned to me and said I should leave.

I didn't want to leave. In fact, even right now I wish I was there with him. Or that I had brought him home with me. Damn, shouldn't be picturing him on my bed right now.

Ayden set the baby down in the living room and walked with me out of his house. "Thank you," he said softly.

"Come to my truck," I said.

Ayden followed after me uncertainly. I handed him a wad of money. It was pretty much all I had, but I wanted to be sure that he never had to do anything like he'd been doing.

"I can't take this," he said. "I don't..."

I pulled him close and hugged him. I really wanted to kiss him, but I didn't want to push my luck. "Look, I don't judge you for what you did. I just don't want you to ever have to do it again. You're a good person."

Ayden pushed his hair to the side, out of his eyes. He leaned forward. He was hesitant at first and eventually kissed me more toward the corner of my mouth, as if he wasn't sure if a kiss on the cheek or lips was appropriate. I really wanted to just throw him over my shoulder and bring him home. Still regretting not doing that.

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I went by Ayden's house again today to make sure that he was doing alright. He was in the front yard with his sisters. I stayed in my truck and watched them play. The three toddlers tackled him and he was laughing.

I got out just as the baby had managed to crawl over to Ayden. She was kissing his head over and over again.

I had intended to act on my previous impulse to throw him over my shoulder and take him somewhere where I could maybe start to figure out this attraction, but I ended up taking him and his sisters to Gatti-Town. I hadn't been there in forever, but it was the same pizza buffet that I remembered. The girls had never been and they were absolutely floored. They got to sit in one of the dining rooms with the cartoons playing on the wall. When they found out there was a game room too, I thought they were going to lose it.

Ayden and I took them to the ball pit and let them at it. The baby was not pleased that she was too little to get in there, so I played a few rounds of skee ball to get enough tickets to buy her a little stuffed toy.

I thought we'd never get those kids out of there and to do so I had to promise to bring them back. They fell asleep on the drive back to their house.

I helped Ayden carry them inside and Mary woke up during the process. "Ay-Ay, you like him?" she asked. He set her on her feet to get the baby.

I don't know who was happier, me or Mary, when he said, "Yeah, I like him."

Mary took us both by the arm and made us hold hands. "You keep him," she said, before turning around and dragging her feet toward the door.

Once the girls were in bed, Ayden and I sat on the bed of my truck. He looked up at the sky. One of the best parts about living out in the boondocks is the night sky. It's beautiful. Of course, I was more interested in watching Ayden.

"That was really nice of you," he said.

"It wasn't what I had in mind for today, but I'm glad I got the sibling approval," I joked.

Ayden smiled and looked at me uncertainly. "Do you...?"

"I like you," I said suddenly.

Shock and confusion were evident even though I couldn't see his eyes. "In what way?" he finally asked.

"In the way you think. And it's not just because of how you look. It's not all about sex. It doesn't have to be about that at all, in fact. Its just you make me want to be a better person in a way that I can't really put into words. I'll admit, I've been thinking about you a lot in ways that I've never thought of a guy before. I don't know what it all means, if it makes me gay or bi or what. I don't know how to feel about it. Sometimes I feel alright and then sometimes its like...I feel like something's wrong with me. I could have pretty much any girl. I should want that. But I don't. I want you." I ended my rambling with a frustrated sigh. I was scared to look over at him after sounding like a crazy person, but after a few moments I did.

Ayden just stared at me. "You're different than I thought."

I put my arm around him and said, "Well, you of all people should know not to buy in to stereotypes."

Ayden leaned against me. There were no uncomfortable pressure points or awkward angles. We just fit. I kissed the top of his head and moved my hand to his lower back. And yes, I was going for his ass. And hell yes, I got there.

He jumped a little and laughed nervously.

"Sorry," I said. "I'm not exactly sure how this goes."

"You can kiss me if you want to," Ayden said. "I have pizza breath though."

I pretended to think about it and then shrugged and said, "Me too."

I pulled Ayden up on my lap and started kissing him. Pizza breath never tasted so good. He was moving against me, slowly creating friction that felt amazing. So amazing, that soon it wasn't so weird to be kissing a guy. It just felt good. Plain and simple.

I've never been high, but I'm pretty sure I was then. I was going crazy wanting to touch everything, experience everything. I figured out his collarbone is really a turn-on spot for him, but we didn't get to explore that much because his mom started yelling at him to get inside. As if I didn't have enough reasons to dislike her.

I felt a bit weird on the drive home. It was one thing to watch gay porn and get off to it. I mean, Google said that a lot of straight guys do. Kissing him, that's just curiosity. That's not so bad. But the second kiss threw me for a loop. I mean, if I was still honestly just experimenting, wouldn't one have been enough?

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This morning I felt a little weird about going back to school. I feel almost like a different person. Going back there seemed so trivial. I really didn't want to go, to be honest. Its like I'm living a lie there.

The team had a short meeting before school and I tried the best I could as captain to get everyone to calm down, but they were talking about Ayden. "I can't believe that was true." "He really did that, that dirty queer." "He ain't worth shit." "Hell, bet he'd do it for free." "You know the faggot just wants cock."

I finally got everyone to shut up. "Look, guys, I've been hearing a lot of negative talk that isn't going to do us any good this Friday. I want us to give our all this week and get prepared. I wanna see focus from all of us. If you guys want to act all tough, you got to earn it. Right now you're all just a bunch of dumb asses walking around like you own the damn place but you've done nothing. We're 0 for 2. If you fuckers want to go around bullying people you're just making jack asses out of yourself and this team."

I knew my words wouldn't have any effect on them and before lunch the rumor spread that Ayden had to do all his assignments in the principal's office because people were harassing him. They were waving money in his face, pushing him into walls, yelling different kinds of insults at him. One girl even said she saw a bunch of guys pull him into the bathroom. That got me worried and I chased after him as soon as the last bell rang.

I grabbed Ayden when he was heading for the buses, afraid to call out his name because I'm a coward. He didn't see who it was and started swinging as I pulled him to an alcove where no one would see us.

"I'm sorry!" he said, his eyes wide when he realized it was me.

"It's fine," I said quickly. "Are you OK?"

He shrugged. "It's not so bad."

I pressed him against the wall and kissed him before I could think too much. He made a soft sound that sent vibrations through me. It was better than any other kiss I've ever had. I pulled away and started kissing his neck. I never understood the point of a hickey until now. I want to leave my mark all over him.

The sound of people died down and soon the school was abandoned. I whispered in his ear, "Let's go." My breath made little goosebumps rise up on his neck. Damn...

I drove him to my house and kept reaching over to touch him. Let me stop here and say fooling around wasn't my only goal. I really do want to get to know him as a person and figure out who I am. I care about him, I want to be the person he needs. Its just in that moment it was kind of hard for me not to hump his leg and I had to get it out of my system.

We got to my house and I brought him inside. More like dragged him. I made him drop his messenger bag on the way to my room. Once we were there I lifted him up on my bed and pushed him onto his back, pulling off his shoes and tossing them over my shoulder.

I went back to kissing his neck and left a little triangular mark there. I liked how it looked. He wiggled underneath me and pushed his hair out of his face. "So...uhm" he said.

"I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. If anything I do makes you uncomfortable, tell me. Otherwise, just lay there and look good," I told him. I felt lightheaded and was really kind of shocked at myself, but I didn't want to stop. I wanted to experience as much as possible before my stupid brain kicked in gear.

I started pulling his shirt up and slid down to lick his stomach. He arched his back when I did that and moaned a little. Damn sexy. I peeled his shirt all the way off and started running my hands over him. He was so warm and smooth. He kinda squeaked and wiggled around. The kid was driving me crazy. I left another mark at the hollow part where his neck and collarbone meet. His fingers dug into my shoulders and I started trying to undo his pants, but he was wearing a very frustrating belt.

His cell phone chirped from his bag and I just about fell over and had a fit from the frustration.

"Do you care if I..." Ayden looked like he was just as disappointed.

I rolled away and watched him go check his phone. He sighed in frustration. "I have to go..."

"Stay?" I asked, giving my best puppy dog eyes.

He sighed and seemed conflicted. "My parents need me at home...the baby is fussy..."

I understand why he had to leave. I just wish his family had waited a while before calling him away. I feel bad for not talking to him in more detail about his bad day, but hopefully he enjoyed that at least. I know it's not good enough.

I'm just not good at the emotional side of things. I never really connected with any of my past girlfriends. Of course I cared about them all, but not in the way I do Ayden. I guess I knew something was missing in my relationships before, but I never thought it could be because I was with the wrong gender. I'm starting to think that's what it is. I never really questioned things like this before. I think I was just straight by default. I'm not ready yet to say I'm gay though. I don't know if it's lingering doubts or what. For now though, it doesn't matter what I am as long as Ayden is around, I'm happy.

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I filled out a few college applications today, but I don't know where I want to go yet. I haven't been thinking about it as much, but I should really start. I think I'm in denial about graduation. I might hate that place, but it's the only place I've ever known.

It's never hard to spot Ayden among the students of Iola, but its extra easy now that I think I'm obsessed with him.

"Ayden," I said, once I was behind him.

He turned and gave me a half smile. "Hey, Josh."

I love how he says my name. For some reason, it just sounds better when he says it. "I want to take you out tonight," I said.

He seemed surprised and blushed a little. "I'd like that."

"After practice?" I said. "You can skip the bus and I'll drive you home."

A girl passed by and squirted a packet of ketchup on him. I was ready to go crazy on her, but he just held on to my arm. "It's not worth it," he said.

"It's not right," I said.

He shrugged and gave me a look that made his eyes seem old and wise. "It doesn't change anything to get mad."

I stared at him kind of stupidly.

"Go on, before one of the other football players sees us." He turned away, grabbing some napkins and blotting out the ketchup as he went back to his safe haven in the principal's office.

I spent the rest of the day and all of practice thinking about him. So needless to say, I was distracted. It earned me a lot of jeers about how I'd been lecturing about focus and now I was the one effing up.

After practice, it took me a while to find Ayden. I stood in the parking lot, thinking I'd been stood up. Everyone else had left when he finally appeared.

"I didn't want people to start talking," he explained.

I felt bad that had to think about those things and I told him so.

"It's alright," he said, with a smile. "It gets better, right?"

I nodded and smiled, opening the passenger side door for him. We drove around for a while. He was listening to his iPod but still talking with me about some of the day's assignments. He seemed a lot happier. I like to think I had something to do with that.

I offered him the same kind of date I'd always had with girls. Some sort of activity (movies, bowling, skating) and dinner, but he didn't seem to be interested in that. He said, "I think it would be nice to just walk."

I drove to a park and we picked the trail with the most shade. I wasn't sure if hand holding was appropriate. I did want to, but there were people around and that got me thinking. Am I gonna have to come out now? What do I tell people? I'm pretty sure that I want a relationship with Ayden, but is it going to become some sort of secret or are we going to be open about it? What would that mean for me? I don't even know where my mom stands in the gay debate. There's no way in hell I could keep the football team's respect.

I guess my inner turmoil was showing because Ayden cleared his throat and gave me a sympathetic look. "You can change your mind," he said.

"What do you mean?"

"I understand that you're probably confused and maybe now isn't the right time for you. If you decide right now that you want to forget about this, then you can."

I was a little floored by that. He was giving me a chance to chicken out. "I don't want to," I said.

He moved his hair away from his eyes and I could see that he didn't quite believe me. I pulled him toward me and kissed him. There's something about kissing him. It makes me feel like...as weird as it sounds, I feel complete. Everything about him just makes me focus on him. I feel like time slows down and I can hear both of us breathing and all the other sounds die out. When my lips covered his, I wanted to give him everything.

I don't know how long we stood there kissing and I'm not sure if anyone saw or if I cared at that point. The sun was starting to set and I took his hand, leading him back to my truck. I kept his hand in mine for the entire drive back to his house. I parked my truck once we were there and looked at him.

"I need to go inside and make sure my sisters eat. I really shouldn't have left them...not that I...I'm glad I went with you."

I kissed him again and it took all of my willpower to break away. "I'll wait here."

He went inside and took care of what he needed to. I settled into the bed of my truck. I need to remember to start carrying a blanket with me for when it gets colder.

He came back out and I helped him up into the bed of the truck with me. He seemed a little upset, so I didn't make a move on him. Instead we just looked up at the sky. He shared his iPod with me. I didn't know any of his music, so I just let it play songs at random.

The last song that played before his mom called him in is still stuck in my head but I can't find it anywhere. It was about swinging life away on a front porch and I guess mostly it was just about happiness. One line stood out to me.

"If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end."