Jonah

Part 1

When I made the decision to move back to Connecticut, from my time in Massachusetts, I knew that I wanted to join a gay club of some kind that very first week there. Too much of my life was wasted in waiting for...events that never happened. This time, wiser in my mature years, I would not wait. I was determined to put myself into a setting that would yield the most possibilities for me. That meant surrounding myself with other gay men. I was excited. I was also very timid; and unsure of what my newfound pseudo-boldness would get me.

Music has always been a refuge for me. I would sing myself into a state of bliss, rather than acknowledge the pain of loneliness that was my only constant companion. Years earlier, I had joined a little theater group, and won the male lead in several musicals. To sum it up, I successfully fought my shyness, was mesmerized to be in the company of some very hot guys, yet never connected in the ways I had hoped to. This time had to be different.

"Let's hear what your range is; and get an idea of where we can use you." Jonah is at the piano, smiling at me. I am nervous as hell. He took my original call, and was very warm in inviting me to audition. I have confidence in my singing. That's about all I have confidence in. By the way, I do not have a God given amazing vocal 'instrument'. I do have a pleasant voice; and a way of telegraphing the joy I feel when singing to those who listen. Can I do this A Capella, please? Trying to follow the audition pace of someone else just throws me. He looks puzzled.

"Sure." Jonah pivots on the stool and faces me. I shift my weight to loosen up, lower my head for a few seconds, close my eyes, then begin. The song is: 'Make You Feel My Love', by Adele. I sing most of it not looking at Jonah, but looking deep within myself to pull out as much inner feeling as I can. Near the end of the song, I drift my gaze right into his eyes, and am stunned to see tears flowing down his face. I am mouth breathing. I do that when I am nervous. Even though I sang easily and from the heart, with the song finished I expected nothing more than a polite rebuke. Tears are not what I expected.

"Nice. Really nice. Pull up a chair and let's talk."

Part 2

"I could hear the music in your voice. Do you hear it in your head when you sing?" I nod and say yes.

"That is a special gift. You carry your own orchestra with you!"

I feel more relaxed now, as Jonah continues to build up my confidence. I tell him that sometimes, just before I fall asleep, I can actually 'hear' an orchestra in full volume inside my head...even going so far as directing the outcome of the music. I tell him that I have not had that wonderful experience for a long time. He sees the sadness in my eyes, and rises to move toward me. I stand as he does; not knowing what will come next. When Jonah puts his arms around me for a gentle hug, the emotions I've carried here start to spill over.

"You definitely have a place in our group if you want it. Please say that you do, and be here next Thursday night, so I can introduce you to everyone." He is still hugging me. I am starting to feel a bit awkward. Okay. I do. Thanks. He breaks it off, puts his hands on my shoulders, and looks into my eyes.

"Have dinner with me tonight. I can't wait until Thursday." I have never smiled more happily and sincerely in my life.

Jonah takes me to one of the better small Italian restaurants that dot the city. It is cozy and warm and intimate. His choice is obvious. He likes me. I am very much overwhelmed with the speed of his pursuit; yet completely awash with a sense of joy I have rarely felt before. We talk about the upcoming season, and the variety of songs that the group will be performing. He puts a hand over mine on the table, and tells me...

"I have a special place for you in the group. We feature three singers in our concerts, and I want you to be one of them." I slowly pull my hand from under his and place it in my lap. Jonah...I swallow as we look at each other...I just want to fit in. I've never wanted to stick out, you know. I just want to belong. I think he understands. Loneliness and isolation can follow those who are 'special'.

"You are a special person, Benjamin. I get it. We'll work it out." I put my hand back onto the table, palm up. He smiles and takes up the invitation. His hand feels warm and right in mine. I start to wonder what the rest of this night will bring.

"Let's take a walk in the park. It's the perfect night for it. Unless you have something else to do..." No. Yes. The park sounds nice. We grab our coats, it's early fall and there's a slight chill in the air. It's a small community park, surrounded by gaslights and well-kept houses. The central fountain calls to us, and we sit on a wooden bench, the only people there. He leans in for a quick kiss on my mouth. Jonah pulls back to see how I react. I start to mouth breathe.

"You do remember that we're a gay singing group, right?" His smile puts me at ease. I nod in the affirmative. "I want to get a jump on the others you'll meet on Thursday night...is that okay with you?" Leaning in to kiss him is all the answer he needs. We hold hands and stroll towards one of the nearby houses.

"That's mine. Come in with me?" Okay.

Part 3

The ache in my heart and mind reaches right into my very soul. I am fearful that any man who shows me surface respect will be welcome to have his way with me, as self respect is not my issue, not my burden. Jonah seems like he is different from the other men I've been with. Mostly boys in my own boyhood who just wanted to get off and go. Or a few men, when I became one, who stuck around after their own fulfillment just to insure that their next encounter would be with me, also. I keep hoping that there is one man out of the millions who will want to be with me for more than just the sexual release I can help give him. I like sex. I just wish a guy would see me for more than his toy. I joined this group in the hopes of finding a man to be my life partner. The way this night is going, I may just settle for good sex, and put my hope back into hiding.

"Glass of wine? Sit with me, Ben." Sure. "You have to know that I am attracted to you, right?" Yes, I know that.

"Do you know what attraction means to me?" No. Not yet.

"It means I think we have a chance to get to know each other, and to like each other as much more than just sexual partners." I smile, and tell him that really is music to my ears. So you're not going to coax me to bed; and show me as a trophy on Thursday night? I do like his smile.

"The thought has occurred to me, Ben. Let's just say I will respect myself more for giving us time to build trust." I stand up and face him.

Jonah. Thank you for tonight. I look forward to meeting the guys on Thursday. But if I don't leave right now, I will stay with you until the morning.

"Then stay. We'll kiss and cuddle and save the rest for another time...for a time when we both feel invested in each other. Let's wait until we fall in love to make love, Ben." I am so shocked. Pleasantly shocked. I am excited to stay with Jonah tonight; and wonder if the two of us can actually carry out his plan.

"There's a clean towel and a new toothbrush in the bathroom. Well sleep in P.J.'s, so as not to tempt nature. I'll clean up in the kitchen. See you in a few." Okay.

Jonah is already in his bed. His hands are behind his head and he checks me out as I move toward him. We are about the same build, and his pajamas fit real good. I usually sleep in the nude, and tell this to Jonah. He laughs.

"We are aiming for something beyond a one night stand, Ben. If we can stand to pass this test, I think we will be on a good path." I tell him I agree with him, and he pulls back the covers to welcome me into bed with him. We are on our sides, staring at each other.

"I want you to know how difficult this is for me, Ben, because you turn me on something fierce. But there is a void in my life that needs more than just a night of good sex." Me too, Jonah. Me too.

Part 4

We start to snuggle, and we kiss in the most gentle and sensual way possible. As our bodies move closer, it is evident that we are both aroused. Please spoon me, Jonah. Pull close to me and let me feel your embrace. I flip onto my other side, my back to him, hoping that the course I have chosen is the right one. He wiggles up to me, his arm draping around my flank; his hand resting on my chest. I feel his manhood press against me. My eyes close just as his lips touch the skin of my neck. He nuzzles me there, and his breath wafts onto me in the most arousing way possible. I am more than relaxed. I am home.

Allowing for nighttime changes in sleeping position, I find myself awakening with my head on Jonah's chest. His heartbeat is so calming and lovely I think I'll start to cry. His scent fills me with a sexual desire that matches the morning wood in my borrowed sleep gear. I feel his hand comb through my hair.

"You awake?" Yes. "So we made it!" We did. I rise up enough to shift around and kiss him full force on his mouth, my tongue probing inward, telegraphing my desire to take us both to a place we had decided to forgo for the time being.

"But we said..."

I know. Just giving you a taste of things to come, that's all. My treat at the Cafe for breakfast. We'll 'cook in' some other time. Save that for a long weekend, maybe.

"Okay, Ben. I really liked our night together." So did I, Jonah...so did I.

The Good Day Cafe really stands up to its name. We are greeted by a warm and friendly staff; and are soon enjoying a hearty breakfast in a cozy and welcoming environment.

"A good night...and now a Good Day!" It is, Jonah. It really is!

Part 5

When my long standing business crashed, in one of the worst recessions on record, I lost any reason to get up every day. My life was completely uneventful. Every 'normal' social interaction fell apart; and I fell through the cracks into my deepest depression ever. The lawyer I chose to represent me at the bankruptcy hearing told me: "Coming here today was the hardest part of what you'll have to do...we'll do the rest together." I teared up visibly at what she said. It had always evaded my understanding how a 'normal' guy like me could have lived for so long in the 'cracks' of life...without the vital connections so necessary to happiness. The answer came to me one day as I was deciding on a better course of action regarding possible income. What could I do? As the owner of a small business for over three decades, I had been isolated; and came away with no easily transferable skills. What little money I had squirreled away would soon run out.

My housemates told me of a new store coming to town. I watched the progress of the contractors, and waited for the 'now hiring' sign to be posted. Searching for information about the store, I found that they needed my skills! I was hired. The first year there was magical. Through my earnest work efforts, I quickly became the top managers top man. He lauded me by saying: "If I had more people like you...honest, competent, reliable...this place would run like a fine Swiss watch!" At his and my one year employment mark, he abruptly quit. He was replaced with a wet-behind-the-ears kid of twenty four who got the job solely by being 'connected'. He sized up my demeanor and experience, and believed that I was a threat. My genuine pledge of fealty meant nothing to him. He made my life miserable for the next three years. I stayed out of fear of not finding other employment at my age. There was my answer - fear. Fear had been my dominant companion since early childhood. Fear warped my decision making. Fear held me captive to a life without meaning or hope. I could neither find nor be found by a friend or lover out of fear...I feared I was cursed and could not go on.

The one light of hope I had during those dark years came from a guy who was hired shortly after the new manager arrived. His name was Darren. He proved to be my savior of sorts, because his central ethos was one of justice and compassion. He ran interference between the devil and the line workers like myself. He suffered under unjust rule as we all did, but he managed to fight and win some battles due to his high rank. The rest of us had no chance. Every time in my life I came up to the gates of success, I would either fail to enter, or be turned away. Fear and its companion rejection never left my side. Darren saw my plight. He was a constant source of moral support and hope. He finally got through to me and broke my chains of fear. Then he gleefully announced his upcoming promotion to a new store in another state. I was devastated. I offered my heartfelt congratulations to him; and my heart momentarily sank to a depth beyond reach.

I told Darren that the day he left I would quit. I would never again let fear rule and ruin my life.

"Don't quit. Give me a few months to settle in; and if you want to, I'll have you transferred to my new store." I rebounded and accepted his offer.

It's been almost two years since I moved to his store, and Darren has continued to be a light to lift my spirits. He counts on me to counsel him; and our friendship has grown to be unshakable. He is in the tenth year of a relationship with his partner. The two men decided early on to build a loving connection before becoming intimate. Jonah would approve. Darren was the first person I came out to, as he was the first in my long life to offer unconditional support to me. It calms me, and lifts me up to know that there is at least one person in my life who understands and loves me for me. We have built a friendship based on trust and mutual moral ground. I love Darren in the classical platonic way that is critical to a persons overall grounding; and becomes the basis for self-respect and worth. His face showed the pain he felt when I told him I would soon leave to open a business back in Connecticut.

"You are the only one I trust here...you calm me when I need it. We'll have hugs and tears when you go!" And we did.

Part 6

Darren helped me get over my fears. I am excited to have met Jonah. There are shadows that follow me; and only my efforts over time will dispel them. For once, I understand my worth, and will fight to find my place in this life. I will never again allow unwarranted negativity to flow from or toward me. I am no longer fearful, nor naive. I approach everything as before, with initial openness and trust. Now, however, I monitor my interactions; and am quick to take corrective action as needed. Jonah has given me no reason to doubt his integrity and intentions. I am not looking for any. I will definitely take note of any that pop up with clarity and perspective.

"Tonight is strictly a gathering to welcome new members, Ben. You'll be sought after by quite a few, I can assure you. I just hope we get to explore more together...after tonight."

He sounds just a bit melancholy. Does he think I am so attractive a prospect as to warrant lots of attention tonight? He must. I like this. I want to get there early. My lingering lack of self confidence strikes that old fear in me. To have to walk into a room full of people already engaged...will I fit in? By being early, I can welcome new arrivals in a way that is not unsettling to me. I take some deep breaths to calm my nerves and open the door to the practice room. There are only three guys there so far. I do feel capable, and walk right up to Jonah and we shake hands.

"Glad you could make it...Ben, right?" I am accepting of his need for secrecy. He introduces me to the two men. Stan, David and I strike up a conversation about our backgrounds and tastes in music, while Jonah busies himself with the preparations for the nights agenda. I am thankful to have two men to keep company with as the others slowly file in. In all, we are thirty strong. I've gotten some very definite vibes from at least five of the guys. I think all the attention is going to my head. Jonah has been busy with his duties, and I am starting to feel a bit lost in the crowd. I have learned not to cling to people when I feel like this - it makes me feel and seem rather desperate. Right now, that feeling is beginning to creep over me. Phillip hands me a drink and asks me to sit with him. Phillip is hot.

"Jonah tells me that you and I may have something in common." I raise an eyebrow in surprise at this. What?, I ask him.

"A lonely guy looking for something more than he's yet found." I wonder what Jonah is doing. I have to respond to Phillip. I let go of pretense and boldly ask: Do you think you might find it with me, Phillip? He smiles.

"Yes. Yes I do."

Part 7

I usually like to leave an event like this early and quietly so as not to be noticed. I fight that instinct, and stay until only a handful of us are left. Jonah is still here. So is Phillip.

"How's it going, Ben...make any new friends tonight?" I look at Jonah and pause before answering, wanting to choose my words very carefully. Phillip is within hearing distance. I know that he is listening. Yes, Jonah, thanks to you...for inviting me here, I believe I have met a few guys so far that I could really fall for."

"Oh? Good. I...I hope you enjoy your time with us. This is a good group of men." He looks a bit forlorn. I lean in and hug Jonah, and whisper very softly into his ear: you have nothing to worry about...Phillip is hot, but you have him beat!" I break the hug, and he perks up, broadly smiles at me, and we shake hands.

"Then we'll be seeing you for the season?" Absolutely, is my quick response...then I pivot to Phillip. He looks like a lost puppy, wondering if he will find a home. You are someone I really want to be close with, Phillip. Right now, my heart is with another. Let's start a friendship we can build on, you and me. Is that okay?

"It is, Ben. Thanks."

I leave for my apartment, very self-satisfied and content with the start I've made since moving here. I have a possible friendship with Phillip; and a definite one...at the very least...with Jonah. My phone rings even before I get in the door.

"Ben. It's me, Jonah. I want to..." I cut him off. I know, Jonah. You purposely set me up with Phillip, as a way to gauge both my interests, and your own prospects with me...correct?

"Yeah. Sorry." It could have backfired, you know?

"Just my insecurities taking over. We don't know each other well enough...yet...for me to either fully believe in 'us' or have reason for doubt. I'm just looking for answers." Fair enough. So let's explore our questions together, Jonah. I have the weekend free. You?

"What's the plan?" Let's go to Quebec and take in the sights. My Spanish won't do, but your French will. Trouver? We are on a phone call, yet I can 'feel' him smiling broadly!

Part 8

The City is breathtaking; and I feel so very comfortable with Jonah. We stroll the historic streets like lovers. He is able to converse easily in French, and I do not feel out of place at all. We have a room in a wonderful old bed and breakfast. Our first night here is approaching; and I plan to make it memorable for the both of us. Dinner is beyond amazing. The cozy atmosphere envelopes us with a sense of buoyant expectation. The food and wine leave us sated and giddy.

"Are you seducing me?" Yes. Yes I am. Are you happy?

"Very!" We exit to the street, find a secluded alleyway, and start to make out like hungry teenagers. We French kiss (what else...this is Quebec, after all!). The air is light with just a nip of impending fall weather. Jonah puts his arm around me, and we stroll to our room, nipping at each other as we go. There is a small fire in the bedroom stove, and the warmth beckons us.

"I don't think I can manage with pajamas tonight." We stand facing each other. My hands reach for his shirt buttons; my lips for his. He tastes of wine. I delve into him with a spirit I have been guarding for way too long. Jonah takes up the hint, and we are soon working feverishly to rid ourselves and each other of every bit of clothing on our bodies. Finally, we stand naked in complete comfort with each other. I take his hand and we move to the bed.