Jae's Anxiety and Ryan's Bacstory

Author's note:-

Story 6 in Jake and Ryan's developing relationship. This moves their story to the next level, for the first part, before it gets erotic. If you are in a hurry, fast forward to page 2.

You do not need to have read the other 5 stories, but it would definitely be a good idea. It would explain the characters and some of the themes.

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Jake stared out the window, as the coach churned through mile after mile of motorway. Watching the fields blur past, he wasn't really seeing them. His mind was stuck in the past, back in the changing room, back in the shower, back in that moment.

Ryan, sprawling comfortably beside him, nudged his knee. "You're thinking about it again."

Jake tensed. "No, I'm not."

Ryan scoffed. "I would stake good money on the fact that you are."

Jake clenched his jaw. He didn't want to have this conversation here, not on a crowded coach with strangers sitting just rows away. But he also knew Ryan wouldn't let it drop.

He exhaled sharply. "Someone was watching us Ryan. Don't you think that's a big deal?"

Ryan rolled his eyes. "We don't even know if they saw anything."

Jake turned to him, he was incredulous. "Are you serious? We heard them fleeing, in a hurry. They didn't say anything. That means they were hiding, they saw us."

Ryan sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "Alright, fine. It's not ideal, but what can we do about it? Track them down and interrogate them?"

Jake shook his head. "I just... I don't know....... What if they tell our team mates?" His stomach tightened. "I'm not ready for that."

Ryan studied him for a moment, his expression unreadable. Then, in a softer voice, he said, "No one is forcing you out of the closet, Jake. No one is making you do anything you don't want to do."

Jake swallowed. "But what if they do?"

Ryan leaned back, tapping his fingers against the armrest. "Then they will have to answer to me"

Jake frowned. "What do you mean?"

Ryan smirked slightly. "We can find out who it was. Then we wait, see if they say anything. If they don't, great. If they do... I'll deal with them."

Jake's stomach knotted more at the way Ryan said 'deal with them'. He had no doubt Ryan could be ruthless if he wanted to be. And that was part of what scared him.

"We're not jumping to conclusions," Jake warned. "No 'threats'. No 'making things worse'."

Ryan raised his hands. "Relax. I won't break any laws."

Jake gave him a look. "I mean it!"

Ryan smirked. "You're cute when you try to be assertive. Look, I organised this trip to Wembley to take your mind off those things. Get away, have fun, relax, spend some time together. Away from the pressure of the university, somewhere where nobody knows who you are, nor cares, somewhere you can be yourself, and just enjoy the moment."

Jake groaned, turning back to the window. Ryan might be joking about dealing with the voyeur, but the fear inside wasn't going away. Someone had seen them, that person had the power to turn Jake's entire world upside down.

The only thing he could do now was wait. That was driving his anxiety levels into the red, testing his resilience. He had been walking around with the weight of the world on his shoulders for over a week.

Ryan's answer had been to book this trip, to distract him. It was a really sweet thing to do. He had seen Jake was struggling. He also knew Jake had always wanted to watch England play live, and had never been to Wembley. Ryan had that way about him, when he wanted to be, he could be thoughtful and considerate, but always took control, making the decisions. Jake admired that, but there was another side to Ryan too. One that unsettled him. There was a dominant trait in Ryan, assuming authority came naturally. The way he spoke with a certainty that Jake had never quite mustered the confidence to do. It was attractive, intoxicating even, but at times, it had gone too far. At times Ryan scared him.

Ryan stretched his legs out, his knee pressing against Jake's, smirked he asked. "Are you nervous about tonight?"

Jake scoffed, shaking his head. "Why would I be nervous? It's just a football match."

Ryan tilted his head slightly, studying him. "And after the football?."

Jake swallowed and turned toward the window, watching the motorway blur past. He knew exactly what Ryan had meant. The overnight stay. The fact that, at some point, there would be a hotel room with just the two of them. This trip was happening when their affair was at a crossroads, a moment where Jake had to make decisions.

The dilemma with the voyeur had made him think through the possibilities. It was entirely possible that everything would come out in the open. He could try to deny everything, but he knew mud would stick. It would never go away if it was exposed. An alternative could be to embrace it, to 'come out' to the rest of the team. He was young, lots of students experimented with their sexuality. Was this thing with Ryan worth all that? What did he want from Ryan anyway?

He wasn't naïve. He knew Ryan wanted more from him. More than just sex, Ryan had hinted there could be a relationship or at least an arrangement. He knew what he wanted himself in the immediate future, the next few days, but beyond that, it was more complicated. The nights they'd spent together, letting go, pushing boundaries, it had been exciting. He'd loved most of it. The way Ryan took control, the way he made Jake feel things he never thought he would. Without Ryan guiding him, he would never have had the courage himself. But there were other moments, brief but sharp and abhorrent, where Ryan's dominance felt less like desire and more like something sinister. Something cold. Something Jake wasn't sure he could tolerate. He needed to face that out this weekend.

Ryan leaned in closer, his voice a whisper in Jake's ear. "You're overthinking again."

Jake forced a chuckle. "You always think I'm overthinking."

"Because if you are breathing, you are." Ryan's hand slid down Jake's thigh, a slow, deliberate movement. "Just let yourself enjoy it."

Jake tensed, glancing around the coach. No one was paying attention, but still, a flicker of panic rose in his chest. He wasn't ready for that. Not here. Not in public.

"Ryan......."

Ryan pulled back, smirking. "Relax. Nobody knows you here."

Jake exhaled, forcing himself to smile. He wanted to relax. He wanted to just go along with it, to let Ryan lead him wherever this was going. But inside he knew he needed answers, if he didn't speak up soon, their relationship might end up somewhere he didn't want it to be. He didn't want Ryan's cold cruel side to be normalised, to become part of their thing. It had to be soon, just not this time and place.

The journey stretched on. The sun dipped lower in the sky, casting long shadows inside the coach. Jake was getting more comfortable. He let Ryan lean against him, their shoulders touching. They flirted, joked, the tension easing into something lighter. Ryan had a way of making Jake laugh, of making him forget, at least for a little while, free from the questions circling in his mind.

At one point, Ryan turned to him, a mischievous glint in his eye. "I know you will have a great time tonight"

Jake raised an eyebrow. "Do you mean the match this time?"

Ryan chuckled. "That too." He reached out, tracing a slow circle on Jake's wrist. "But I think you know I mean more than just that."

Jake felt the heat rise to his face, but he wasn't sure how to respond.

Ryan sighed dramatically. "God, you're impossible sometimes."

Jake rolled his eyes. "I just--" He hesitated.

Ryan watched him expectantly. "You just what?"

Jake exhaled. "I just... I'm not sure I am ready to rush things."

Ryan's expression shifted, something unreadable flickering in his eyes before he masked it with a smirk. "Whatever"

Jake frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Ryan leaned back, folding his arms. "You're always hesitating. One foot in, one foot out. I understand you are confused, in the closet, breaking new ground. But for the next few days, you are free. Be yourself. It's like you want me to make all the decisions for you. Do you need me to keep leading you astray so you can pretend to yourself that you are still lost and confused?"

Jake bristled. "No, that's not it."

Ryan arched an eyebrow. "Isn't it?"

Jake looked away, frowning. Maybe Ryan had a point. Maybe he was hesitating. But was that such a bad thing?

Ryan sighed, shaking his head. "Look, I like you, Jake. But I need to know if you want this, or if you're just... experimenting."

Jake flinched at the word. Experimenting. It implied that this was all just some phase, a curiosity he'd eventually grow out of. And maybe that was true.

"I don't know," he admitted sincerely.

Ryan's expression softened for a moment. Then he smirked again, nudging Jake's knee with his own. "Well, figure it out soon. I don't like waiting."

Jake let out a breathless laugh, shaking his head. "You really are something else."

Ryan grinned. "You love me for it."

Jake wasn't sure if that was true. Or maybe it was, and that was the scariest part of all.

By the time they neared London, the city lights glittered in the distance, a sharp contrast to the dull towns and villages they had been passing for hours. Jake felt the buzz of excitement. This evening was big. Something he had always wanted to do, and that was just referring to the game.

Ryan nudged him. "Almost there. You ready?"

As the coach pulled into the bus station, the reality of the night ahead settled in his chest like a weight. This was it. Big sports events create a buzz. There was a charge in the air and Jake and Ryan felt it. White and red England flags waved everywhere. Fans already crowding the bars, noisily soaking up the atmosphere, and the alcohol.

For Jake he couldn't distinguish between the excitement and the anxiety, both knotted his stomach. Excitement for the match, the hotel, the sex.

Anxiety about his secret being publicised to his team mates, not to mention the conversation he knew he needed to have with Ryan.

Ryan stretched, standing up and grabbing his bag. He turned to Jake, smirking. "Come on then. Let's get to White City, drop off our bags, then see what London has in store for us."

The crush of bodies on the Central Line left Jake and Ryan pressed together, face to face, their breath mingling in the thick, stale air of the packed carriage. There was nowhere to move, no space to create distance. The scent of Ryan's cologne, faintly spiced and familiar, was overwhelming at this proximity. Jake swallowed hard, acutely aware of every point where their bodies touched--chest against chest, thighs brushing with each jolt of the train.

Victoria Coach Station had felt insanely busy, as they pushed through its chaotic crowds. The Underground was worse, a sea of impatient commuters, and now they were trapped in it, squeezed so tightly together that Jake could feel the heat radiating from Ryan's skin beneath his jacket.

The train lurched suddenly, stopping abruptly. Surely there was no more space on board.

A rush of movement behind him, another wave of passengers shuffling in, pressed Jake even harder against Ryan, their hips flush. Jake was jostled, random bumps from all sides as the passengers fought for their own space. Jake's was tight into Ryan, arms around each others' waists. It was warm and comforting.

Then, just the hint of a touch, a flicker of a sensation, a light touch at the small of his back, which then traced lower and became something clearly deliberate. Jake stiffened. Somebody had just felt his ass, a delicate light squeeze, but there was no mistaking the fact that it was intentional. The palm of a hand had sought out his ass cheek and gripped its firmness, then retreated. He couldn't turn to see the culprit.

His eyes darted to Ryan's, but Ryan's expression remained blank. Both of his hands were holding firmly on to Jake's waist. It couldn't have been him.

Jake tensed his glutes, waiting for a repeat. What kind of person goes around the underground touching people up? Was he going to try the other cheek? And how far would he go?

Far from feeling violated, his senses were at an acute state of arousal. His cock sparked into life, and being crushed up so close together, Ryan felt Jakes arousal pressing into him. He squeezed Jakes waist and flashed him a smile. He didn't know that someone had touched-up his partner, but he guessed that being jostled together in public was turning Jake on. Interesting.

For Jake, his assailant didn't repeat his transgression, the follow-up groping never came, and his arousal slowly faded. It hadn't escaped Jakes attention that he had visualised a male groper. Was that because his prejudice suspected that men were more likely culprits of indiscriminate groping. Or was it because he wanted it to be a man? Had he wanted the strangers on the tube to see him closely embraced with his male lover. Had that emboldened a man to come and have a feel. Test the goods. He knew gay couples were often more hedonistic than their straight counterparts. Maybe the grope was a message, an invitation, testing the water. Were Jake and Ryan supposed to respond in code, indicating that they were open to sharing, or otherwise?

His thoughts darted back to his fantasies. From an early age, he had imagined being used by a group of men, forced into doing things a straight boy should never do. If he was forced, he would be powerless to resist, despite being straight. Those thoughts accelerated his journey to climax on many occasions. In fact, if he was in a hurry, that was his 'go to' fantasy. He was firm again.

Ryan had seen something in Jake, some tell tale sign, his need to be dominated. He had unlocked Jake's hidden desires. How had he known about them? He had pushed beyond Jake's comfort zone, and Jake had loved it. Now on the underground, pushed up to Ryan's athletic form, Jake was envisioning Ryan leading one of those assaults from his dark fantasies, forcing him to suck-off a line of strangers. Inviting other men to fuck his boy. Use him, open out his hole and cum wherever they wanted. He squeezed Ryan hard in a bear hug, hoping for something more. Ryan returned the squeeze, enjoying the arousal he could feel being rubbed up against his pelvis. He wanted to get Jake to the hotel and capitalise on this sudden awakening.

The tube swung violently over noisy points, throwing the passengers off balance, as they approached White City, Jake and Ryan's stop. They pushed through the tightly packed crowd to the doors, Jake secretly hoping for another grope, which never came.

It was a short walk to their hotel, but time enough for Jake to calm down. Ten minutes later they entered a dark, slightly damp smelling, tiny hotel room. Being London, hotels were expensive. On a student's budget, this was never going to be the Ritz Carlton. Ryan didn't think it would be physically possible to make the room smaller, and still get a double bed in. Wherever you go in London, you get fleeced. So it wasn't luxury, but it was convenient for the tube station, and most importantly, it was private.

Ryan jumped on the bed, hoping they could have a quick rumble before they needed to get back on the tube to Wembley. He had calculated they had 20 minutes to freshen up. By his calculation that would be 15 minutes of fucking, and 5 minutes to shower and change.

Jake had other ideas. It wasn't that he didn't feel horny, he did, but he had a lot of thoughts swirling around in his head, and central to a lot of them, was understanding what this fling with Ryan was about, and being clear about his boundaries. He didn't have a plan to lead him through what he knew would be a deep and meaningful conversation with Ryan, so he just stumbled into it.

Ryan was laid out prostate on the bed, busy unbuttoning his Levis. Jake sat next to him, keeping his feet on the ground, literally and figuratively. It was time to talk. His thoughts were deep, existential. The weight of them pressed against him, and finally, he let them out.

Not for the first time he opened with "I don't know what this is," his voice quieter than he intended.

Ryan turned his head slightly, eyes sharp even in the low light. "What do you mean? I've told you, we go at your pace. For now, it doesn't have to be anything, just fun."

Jake exhaled, glancing down at his hands. "But it's becoming more than fun. I don't know if I'm just messing around or if I feel something more." He hesitated, then forced himself to look at Ryan. "I've been thinking about the shower, being watched, about possibly being outed. One way out is to embrace it, commit to it. The more I thought about that the more i came to a conclusion. I think I want it to be more. Us to be more." The words settled in the space between them, but Ryan didn't move, didn't answer. His silence made something uneasy stir in Jake's chest.

"But I need to know where I stand with you. Because sometimes, Ryan, you....." He hesitated, choosing his words carefully. "You can be intense, too intense, you go beyond being dominant. I get the intense passion, I love it, but, sometimes it feels like you push just to see if I'll break. And I don't understand why.

"You scare me.......sometimes"

Ryan's jaw tightened, and he turned his gaze back to the ceiling. "That's not my intention," he muttered. But there was something cracking in his voice, like Jake had hit a raw nerve.

Jake studied him for a long moment before speaking again, softer now. "Talk to me. Tell me what is going on in your head, why does it happen?"

Another long pause, then Ryan exhaled slowly, pressing his palms against his face as if trying to hide his emotion.

"Something happened to me, when I was young, something that no boy should have to go through." he said finally, voice barely above a whisper. "A coach. Football." The words alone carried weight, and Jake didn't need him to elaborate, stories were rife about abuse in the past, like predators were drawn specifically to football. But Ryan did elaborate.

"He had a way of making me feel like I owed him. Like he was doing me a favour, even when he was taking something from me. He told me it was my fault, that I was responsible for what happened. I would get into trouble." Ryan sniffed away a tear, "I knew I liked boys, I was confused, I thought he was right, I believed I had led him on somehow. But he was a monster, he hurt me."

Jake swallowed, his chest tight. He didn't speak. He just let Ryan talk.

"I learned fast that if you're not the one in control, you're the one being used. If you let someone else lead, they will walk all over you. So I don't let that happen anymore." Ryan's voice was steadier, but there was something raw beneath it, something still fragile. His fingers curled slightly against the bedsheet, and his next words came slower, more carefully.

"And sometimes, I think... maybe there's something in me that is just as cruel. Because I knew cruelty. It's like a part of me learned to enjoy it. Not in the same way he did, but because, for once, I wasn't the one on the receiving end." His breath faltered slightly, and he turned his face away. "I hate that part of me. But sometimes, I don't even see it happening until it's too late."

Jake reached out, his fingers brushing Ryan's arm, feeling the tension in his muscles, he was holding himself rigid, ready to fight, like he was on guard.

"You do see it," Jake said quietly. "You see it now."

Ryan swallowed hard. "That doesn't mean I can stop it."

Jake squeezed his arm, lovingly. "You can. If you want to. We can, together."

Ryan finally turned to look at him, his expression conflicted, his walls still half up. But something in his gaze was softer now, less certain.