It's Who You Now

---

Darren

Tyler got me good in the car. It had been a long time since I'd had anything. Too long. I had a little more willpower the next time we went out and kept him at bay. He whined like a little puppy, then he got a little rougher. There was a wolf in there. Three more nights in a row he tried to get his hand down my trousers and I denied him each time.

I actually enjoyed it when he pushed it. Enough strength and the right words would hold him down. He always fought, but he would always submit.

"I'm not fucking you yet," I told him.

"Do I have to work for it?"

"Yes."

He grinned one of those charming grins that made my heart flip, and accepted it. He'd had me once, he'd be patient enough to have me again.

I wanted to know for myself how much I liked this man, before I told the rest of the world. And it was why Zack and Amelia knew nothing for so long. Tyler seemed fine with keeping it quiet. There were certain reactions that would happen, that wouldn't if it were someone else. For a while I was happy to keep my private life, private.

We hardly saw each other at work. We didn't see each other every night - sometimes we just called. Life still had to go on. Sometimes I was genuinely too busy. I got a treat when I rang him up one time, 11pm, with a sudden urge to hear his voice.

"I'm in the middle of a wank," he said.

"Nice. What are you watching?"

"Nothing. I have a good imagination."

I chuckled, heard him grunt.

"Why don't you talk dirty, make this better for me?"

I just chuckled again, no idea what to do when put on the spot like that. And he grunted again, in approval.

"You know," he said, voice a little more breathless, "that's good enough." I got to hear his panting and moaning down the phone while he finished himself.

God, he was hot.

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't stroked one out nearly every night, too. I needed to keep myself under control, so I wouldn't cave in an instant to his groping fingers and mischievous looks.

*

He did start to get suspicious of me. The long story short is that he noticed I never drove. He got to see a glimpse of the damn Lamborghini when he dropped me off at the grounds of my house, and couldn't understand why I owned something so expensive and never used it.

We were stuck in a ridiculous traffic jam for a Sunday. It was raining. His reckless road rage, swerving, cutting people off, was making me so anxious and sick that I snapped at him. He tossed me the closest thing to a glare that I'd yet seen.

"Do you not have a license or something? Why the fuck do you never drive?"

I shut my eyes and rubbed my brow. We sat there in silence, listening to the annoying whines of the wipers.

"I was in a crash," I finally said.

The silence stretched more. I stared out the windscreen and only saw his movements from the corner of my eye. When he did speak his voice was quiet.

"You can't let something like that stop you doing it forever."

"I know. I'm trying, I..." We braked. The traffic was a gridlock ahead of us. Tyler's hand reached across and touched my knee rather than swear about it. "It was a bad crash," I said. "I killed my cousin."

His head snapped around, and he stared.

"I attended his funeral the day I was supposed to be at Amelia's wedding."

"... Jesus Christ. Darren, I'm so sorry."

The tilt in his eyebrows, the sadness in those eyes. I instantly regretted that he would be sympathising with my pain.

"It's okay."

"I'm sorry I fucking said anything. I'll drive you anywhere you want to go."

I managed the shortest excuse for a chuckle and shook my head. "I can drive, if I have to. I'd just rather not. It only takes something small to happen and I get a panic attack."

His arm wrapped around my shoulders and he pulled me into a hug. The steady beat of his heart was soothing. He pecked my cheek before leaning back to reposition the car.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

"What about it?"

"Well what happened?"

I rested my head against the seat and thought quietly for a moment. "I didn't have any excuse. The road wasn't wet. There wasn't any other traffic. We were just racing around countryside roads like idiots, like normal. I don't know what happened. It was a completely straight, dry road, and the tyres just... lost their grip."

"Did you bounce over a pothole?"

"I don't know. It happened fast. The car was just skidding out of control and when I braked it spun. His side is what hit the tree. I got out so miraculously unscathed. I had whiplash and glass in my arm but he just... it destroyed him."

I blinked as I pictured the horrifying sight. I was jaded to it. I had forced it through my mind over and over again, forcing myself to get over it.

"He didn't have much of a skull left. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt, and I know it's not my fault that he wasn't, but it's my fault for driving that car when he wasn't. I think... I think he would've died even if he wore it, though. His side of the car it just, it was gone. It was completely crushed. He didn't stand a chance and-"

I wanted to say how I couldn't get his body out. How I had called for an ambulance then just collapsed on my knees and wept. My breath was rattling in my lungs. I was sitting in the passenger side of a car right now, picturing that mess. My nightmares had always been where I was in his mind, going through his death. Seeing my own terrified face through his eyes. What was it like to hit that tree?

Tyler's hand squeezed my knee. "Hey, easy. It's okay. I get it."

"It was a fucking Lamborghini," I said. "I bought that new one to try and force myself through it but I can't sit inside the thing. I just can't."

His arm went around me again and he kissed me. He held me. It was so affectionate, and when his eyes opened with that look, I should've known that there was more to him than sex. He nuzzled my nose and pecked my cheek, then sat back straight in his seat, eager to roll forward a whole six feet with the crawling traffic.

Could he be adorable and hot at the same time? Because he was.

---

Tyler

My life completely revolved around work and Darren. There was nothing else.

The first time I saw him on a weekend in casual clothes I think I sort of melted into the floor.

He took the dating seriously. After that taster on the first night he almost became a damn celibate. For a couple of weeks I was happy to play along, then I received a hard slap that made me rethink everything about myself. What was wrong with me?

When he told me about the crash all I could think about was that text he had sent me. 'I want to get to know you better'. This was a man who actually wanted to connect with me, not just feel my insides or have me stick it in him. I had been hounding him like a panting dog, barely behaving like a person beneath a shell of lust.

I was ashamed. I felt immature. And then I realised that I was insecure.

Why did I think I had to have my mouth around his cock for him to be interested in me?

I started to understand what he was doing. He was courting me. I was infatuated with the man, and I wanted to explore that, too. Sex was something I'd had before, but I'd not had something like this, known someone like him, before. I wanted to fuck a person, not a body.

But Jesus Christ, I couldn't wait for the day when I would get to see that body.

*

Zack and Amelia had to find out at some point. Our secret little affair was going on beneath their noses for so long, and sometimes I had no idea how they weren't getting suspicious. Maybe they did get suspicious, just didn't say anything.

A clash came when I received a text from Amelia one Friday night, inviting me out the next day, when I had already organised something with Darren. So, I was going to have to choose. She'd really know something was going on with me if I turned her down.

I rang up Darren. "Hey, babe." I knew he didn't like pet names. Which was why I had to call him by them. A different one every few days.

"What?"

"Amelia invited me out tomorrow."

"Yeah, Zack just invited me too. I said no."

I frowned at my bedroom wall. "When did this happen?"

"What?"

"When did we swap? When did Zack become your friend and Lia became mine?"

He chuckled, right into my ear. God, I loved that sound. "I don't know, Ty. Blame the workplace." He cleared his throat. "Do you want to go?"

"Sort of. There'll be some old uni mates there."

"Why don't we both go, then?"

"... Are you saying we should tell them?"

"It's about time, isn't it?"

How long had it been going on? Three weeks? I didn't really know anymore. "Okay, yeah."

"Should I tell Zack I've changed my mind?"

"No, no. Don't say anything. I've got an idea. Hold on. I'm calling Lia." I swiped his name off the screen and pulled up hers. I was almost certain it was going to go into voicemail before she finally picked up.

"Tyler!"

"'Sup."

"Can you come tomorrow?"

"Yes. Is it okay if I bring a date?"

She giggled. "Of course. You know, I thought you might have been seeing someone recently."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you get this look on your face when you're thinking about someone. Zack knows it even better than I do."

"I've been seeing them for a while."

"Oh, wow. Who are they? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"That's a surprise."

"Always so exciting with you! Is it someone from work? We have a lot of beautiful people in the labs. I should know, I hand-picked them myself."

"Stop asking questions," I chuckled. "You'll see tomorrow. I just have to check that they can come."

"Okay. Bye!"

I called Darren again. "Babe."

"Are you really calling me this?"

"You're an anonymous date tomorrow."

He paused. "You're an arse. Can't just tell them?"

"No, I want to see their faces."

"Terrible."

"I'll pick you up at three or four tomorrow. Dress sexy."

"I always do."

*

He came walking down to where I waited with my car - he had one of those big metal gates where you had to enter numbers into the security strip to get into the grounds. I still had never been inside yet. I always stopped on the road outside.

I honked at him. Beep. Beep-beep-beep. Beep. He smirked and shook his head as he walked around the bonnet to the passenger door. Then he clambered in and I greeted him.

"Babe."

I really loved winding him up. His grumpy face was sexy.

"I'm gonna bite off your tongue," he replied.

"I don't need my tongue to say it." I leant over to kiss him and he clasped a hand over my lips instead. I licked his palm, then sucked his fingers into my mouth.

"You have a gift," he said.

"Hmm?"

"Of turning absolutely everything sexual."

I grinned. "When you give in and have sex with me, I promise I'll give you the time of your life."

He grabbed the nape of my neck and kissed me. There was a hunger in it that reminded me of our first night at the restaurant. My stomach lurched but I didn't gasp and lose control like I might have done a couple weeks ago. I just enjoyed it. Soon.

It was one of those muggy days where there was no breeze to speak of. Normally I loved June weather, but this was so humid. We drove with the windows down and I watched the artificial wind ruffle the tufty forelocks of his hair. I was jealous of that perfectly straight hair. Whenever I let mine grow out it was wavy and almost impossible to do anything with.

We turned up at the place around 16:30. It was a bar in a neighbouring town that Zack and I had used to frequent a few years back. The type of place that everyone remembered, and was perfect for meet-ups and catch-ups. Its selling point was this giant open veranda overlooking the carpark. And it was summer. It would be busy.

I spotted Zack and Amelia sitting up there as we pulled in. It was impossible to miss Zack in a crowd, and Amelia was always moving. I steered and parked carefully so they wouldn't get an early glimpse of my 'date'. They were coming down to my car with a couple of others.

"Are you nervous?" I asked Darren.

"A bit."

"I'm shitting myself."

I got out and smiled at Amelia as she continued to walk across the carpark towards us. I went around the car and opened the passenger door, letting out... Darren. He straightened beside me. We stepped forward while she froze.

She just stood there, eyes darting between us. Then she screamed, clasped her hands over her mouth, and spun around to bury her head into Zack's chest, a giggling and uncontrollable mess.

"Oh my God!"

Zack just grinned, holding the blubbering mess of his wife, looking at us with raised brows. She detached herself from him and came flying over, an arm around each of our necks, and squeezed us.

"How long has this been happening?!"

"He started hitting on me when I went to fix his PC that one time," I replied.

Zack laughed so loud and Darren grinned down at the floor. The two uni friends stood there looking utterly confused.

It was a good night. People talked about life developments, new jobs, new partners, and I could talk about both. Yes, I was a part of Amelia and Zack's company now. This was my salary. Amazing right? And this was my incredibly attractive boyfriend. Who's the company CEO, by the way. Yeah, I'm dating my boss. I know it's hot.

Someone had a new American girlfriend. She always looked so bewildered and excited at the same time.

"Ohh my Gahhd!" she drawled to me. "I just can't get over all these accents!"

She was besotted with Darren. Not like I could blame her. I sounded like typical southern trash where I didn't pronounce half my t's. Zack still had that midlands tang, where he pronounced 'bath' and 'grass' wrong, no matter how long he had spent in the south. But Darren sounded like that generic British accent that was always in Hollywood movies, the one the rest of us usually criticised for not being real. Sophisticated and well-spoken, because he was a rich cunt.

She sat with her cheeks clasped in her hands, watching him talk as if his voice was dripping honey. I tossed an apologetic look to her boyfriend, who only laughed and shook his head at me. Hey, it was cool. Darren was gay.

He got tired after a while though, and I tried to get him out of the spotlight. He was such an introvert. We were cuddling in a corner somewhere when Zack found us.

Zack never touched a drop of alcohol, but sometimes he could act so drunk. He was loud. He staggered around, high on life, that big beautiful grin on his face. He sat down and took a sip of his soft drink, gaze darting between us.

"I'm happy for you," he said. "Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"Was figuring it out," Darren replied.

"You look cute together."

Darren chuckled and I had a big grin of my own. Zack continued looking at us, took another sip of his drink, and, without changing even the slightest bit in tone or expression, asked, "Which one of you takes it up the arse?"

I burst into laughter. Darren clasped a hand over his face. I was about to raise my hand, as I was pretty sure we had already established that I was the bottom, but Darren spoke before I could.

"We don't know yet."

Zack looked at me mockingly wide-eyed. "Damn, Tyler. That restraint."

Yeah, thanks Zack.

Amelia called him over. She was drinking way too much, her inner party girl coming out wild. She ground against him on the dance floor, he happily gripped her hips and ground back.

"I can't wait 'til their kid grows up," I said. "Can you imagine if they're still doing this when he's fourteen? How mortified he'll be?"

Darren snickered and reached across the table to steal the coke Zack had left behind.

His words wouldn't leave my mind and I tried to keep talking, to keep myself busy. 'We don't know yet'. What did that mean? Was I reading too much into it? I was so certain that he was a top, and an aggressive one at that. Was he secretly a bottom? Could I get his body beneath me and fuck him deep? Or was he the type to straddle me, ride me, while holding me down?

It was hard to conceal my raging boner for the rest of the night. Thank God for jeans and untucked shirts.

---

Darren

He got so damned drunk. It was accidental, and to be fair, I had no idea how he did it either. I didn't see him drink that much, but he did switch drinks, and he barely ate anything. It seemed to hit suddenly, out of nowhere.

I watched him staggering slightly with his frown, trying to pretend he was sober. People were starting to leave and he knew he was supposed to be driving.

We walked out to the car and... No, it was ridiculous. He couldn't do it. He was getting worse every minute that passed. Maybe I needed to ask Zack to take us back and we could worry about the car tomorrow.

"Tyler," I said. "You can't drive."

"Yeah, I can." He kicked the alloy as he fumbled around for the door. "Just hope they don't pull me over. Like, breath test. I'm fucked."

"Tyler." I pulled him away from the door. His balance was nonexistent. He bounced off me and landed on his butt on the bonnet. "Give me your keys."

Even in his state he was aware enough to know what that meant. "No, no. Darren, it's fine. I can drive."

I had already made up my mind. "I want to."

He stared at me. "You're sure?"

"Yes." I felt at his pockets until I found the jingling bastards, then unlocked the car. He watched the lights flash.

"Oh."

That's why the door wouldn't open, genius.

If I'm honest, I think I was a glass over the limit, too. But that was probably why I felt no nerves when I sat down in front of the wheel. The leg room was perfect. The mirrors were already level for my eyes. I stroked the leather of the wheel, then gripped it and turned the key.

It growled to life. I tested the clutch, revved the engine. Still no nerves. Tyler's laughter rolled from his throat beside me.

"Isn't it beautiful?"

Yes, it was. I lifted the handbrake, shifted into reverse, felt the car smoothly roll from the parking space. Stop, shift into first, roll forwards, wheel sliding through my hands, headlights washing over everything with the turn. It was as if I'd never even stopped driving for a day.

Tyler was watching my every move, which should have made me nervous, but it didn't. We left the carpark with the ticking of the indicator. I was out into the world, the raw power of this rumbling engine at my control.

It was 2am, the streets felt empty except for taxis and pedestrians. This car demanded respect. It growled, and the staggering people of the town's night life ran off the roads. Everything passed me by and I was so calm it was almost unnerving. But I couldn't feel unnerved. I couldn't feel anything but the burning urge to put my foot down on that accelerator.

"This is so hot," Tyler said. I grinned, but didn't take my eyes off the dark road.

Traffic lights stopped us at the edge of town, even though there wasn't another car to be seen. But there were cameras. I finally looked over at Tyler for the first time since leaving the carpark. His bottom lip caught between his teeth.

"Car anxiety?" he asked. "Bullshit." Something about his voice was deeper. I think it was the slur of alcohol. Or maybe it was my ears. I was feeling the first pang in my stomach, but I wasn't scared. It was... excitement. Just off the roundabout was the open stretch of motorway.

Lights were green. Easing off the roundabout. Onto the motorway. Shifting to second. Accelerate. Shifting to third. Accelerate. Shifting to fourth...

Feeling the car steadily picking up speed. The blinks of the lights as we raced beneath.

This was a racetrack car. I could feel it in the tyres. There was a junction coming up and I was going to take it.

Tyler's head turned as I started to steer across the lanes and slow. "Darren?"

Off the motorway again. I knew where these roads came out, but I didn't have a map of them in my head. Which meant I couldn't get complacent. I knew they would be empty. I knew there'd be no cameras.