It Was Always You

Chapter 3-Googling How to Move On

KYLE

Jacob was laughing with the guys at the lounge when I arrived. It felt awkward. It's like I wanted to sit with them but I didn't want to sit with them. I was about to walk out the door when Brad saw me.

"Yo Kyle!" He called out.

"Hey," I replied as I approached them. Jacob's expression transitioned from jolly to serious.

"I see you've met the guys. So, how's class Jacob?" I asked. I almost stuttered.

"It was fine. Though, some girls looked at me in a very disturbing way." He chuckled. I can sense in his voice that he was distressed while talking to me.

"Looks like you got competition for Best Teacher, Mr. Matthews." Tyler joked.

"Hey, they looked at me like that, too when I first taught here. It was worse, they even stalked me home."

The guys laughed.

"I remember. You had to tell them you were gay to stop them from following you to your house."

We all laughed.

"I guess I have to tell them I'm gay too." Jacob said seriously. I coughed.

"Nah. You don't have to." The guys advised.

"But I am." Jacob insisted. He looked at me briefly, then he looked down. Brad looked at me next. He was clearly puzzled by Jacob's comment.

"For real?" Brad asked.

"Yes. I've been gay since high school. I only came out during college, though."

"Wow. Will it affect your career?"

"My non important singing career, maybe, but my modeling career won't be affected."

"Well, that's good." Brad smiled at Jacob. Then he looked at me. I cut my eye contact with him.

There was silence for a minute.

"So, let's play a game. Each of us will tell our favorite memories from childhood," Clay suggested.

"Oh God. You just want to tell your story about that bobcat that nearly killed you again, don't you?" Brad exasperated.

"Nope. Not that," Clay denied.

We glared at him.

"Fine. It's that story." He admitted.

Clay rolled his eyes. "Fine. First Kiss."

Shit.

Clay started. "Jen Goodeman, my first girlfriend."

"Anne Polecki," Tyler added.

"What about you, Jacob?" Brad asked. Then he looked at me.

"Well, he was my first best friend."

"Wow." Brad commented.

"So, what happened?" Brad dug for more information.

"Well, he was a jock and I was the science nerd. He even admitted to me that he "loved" me. I guess those things in the movies never really happen. I guess he just pulled a prank on me."

"What an asshole," Brad commented. It's as if he was directly saying it to me.

"Sometimes it really happens in real life," I shyly added.

"It didn't for me," Jacob said bitterly.

***

Brad entered my office with a large grin on his face.

"Hey." Jacob sat on Jake's arm chair.

"Hey."

"Sooooo, you want to tell me something?"

I paused to contemplate if I should.

"Come on, brotha. I know you wanted to devour him as soon as you entered the cafeteria."

I sighed. I knew I wouldn't be able to hide anything from Brad. The guy is like an empath.

"So you know Jacob went to this high school, yeah?"

"Cut the crap. I already know those things."

I breathed deep.

"I was Jacob's best friend." Brad nodded.

"So, what happened? Did you just prank him or what?"

"No. It wasn't like that. I just fucked everything up when I was drafted to the football team. I was stressed with dad urging me to do better at everything and with the football guys giving me the shit for being best friends with Jacob. So I just cut back the time I spent with him until I didn't realize that I completely cut him away. I wasn't even happy spending time with the jocks and other popular kids. I hated it. I ignored his calls, texts, and emails. Then during that summer, he moved away without saying goodbye. I've hated myself ever since. I didn't get to say how much I regretted it. I never got the chance to say that I love him." I didn't realize that I was crying. Brad patted me.

The door opened and Jacob entered the room. He saw me crying.

"Is this a bad time?" He asked

"No. I'm just comforting Kyle here."

"Oh. What happened?" Jacob asked,

"Well, apparently his one true love came back to town and doesn't want him."

Jacob just nodded.

Brad stood up and went for the door.

"I'm going to leave now. Ciao ladies."

***

When Jacob wasn't here, my thoughts would always drift to him and me kissing. Now that he is here, it drifts to me and him going down on each other. I'm always hard whenever he is around. He is like a personal walking bottle of pheromones to me.

Thankfully, my mind right now is pre occupied with my syllabus and the photocopies.

I was counting my copies when Jacob entered the room. My mind turned to those worldly thoughts and forgot at which number I stopped.

DAMN IT!

I noticed Jacob looking pretty clueless with the photocopy machine. It was probably because the labels have faded.

"You need help?" I offered. It turns out I am right. He doesn't know which button to press since the labels have faded. I taught him which buttons are which and started the copying.

"Kyle..." Jacob called me.

"Yes?" I fought to keep my enthusiasm from showing.

"You don't have to be nice to me, Kyle. We both know this sucks and is awkward as hell. I wouldn't even consider going to this school if I knew you were here."

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Quadruple Ouch.

"I want to, Jacob. I want to be friends with you again. We may not become as close as before but I'll take what you can give. I've missed you so much, Jake. I'll apologize continuously until you completely forgive me. I don't care if it takes forever."

He took his copies and he went for the door.

***

My mind was drifting elsewhere as I lectured to the kids. It wasn't going anywhere so I dismissed them early and just gave them some reading materials.

Jacob was packing his things when I entered the office.

"Jake - can we talk?"

"It's not a good idea, Kyle."

"I want to apologize again."

"For what now, Kyle?"

"For everything."

"I get it, Kyle."

"No you don't. I've been out for years and I am not afraid anymore. I don't care what my dad thinks of me and I only care for what makes me happy now. I am not afraid to show the world how much I love you."

He remained silent.

"I know you don't deserve to deal with this or any of my shit but I hope that we can try to at least be friends." I finished on a whimper.

"Friends?" Jacob said bitterly.

"Maybe we could start over again, Jacob."

"No, Kyle. It just won't work. Besides, were only going to be co-workers for a few months. I'm not going back here again after."

"Why?" I cried.

"Cause you broke my heart, Kyle. You left it in pieces! For years, I lost my self-esteem, my pride, my ego, everything! I fucking struggled to get them back. I was afraid of getting into a relationship because of the trauma you caused me. I was afraid for years because I don't want to go through that pain you put me through again. I thought I meant something to you, Kyle. I thought you loved me. I gave myself completely to you. I even thought we were going to get married. We made plans during our sophomore year and you just dropped me like a hot potato. You were my best friend back then, Kyle. You were my lover. And you chose to trample all over me." The tone of his voice was filled with sadness and regret.

"You mean the whole world to me, Jacob. I couldn't love anybody else. I've tried dating other people but my thoughts and my heart always go back to you. I can't even have sex with them. I destroyed myself, too."

"Just leave me alone, Kyle. Just -"

"Ja - "

"I said no. I don't want to do this. I don't. Just go."

***

Days passed by like a blur. I felt so weak and defeated. I'd hardly eaten or gotten some sleep. I spent much of my time in the main building and avoided my office like the plague. I didn't want to spend my time near Jacob. It's been too painful for me to see him. I was hurting so bad. The only time we spent together is when we are in the same hallway. He would look at me and I would look down. I didn't want to look at his eyes.

Headaches and body pains were recurrent. I drank more and more to numb the pain. I'd become irritable and unenthusiastic. Everything was dragging.

I was alone in the cafeteria. I was eating after the designated lunch time. I was trying to eat the nasty food when Brad found me.

"Are you all right?" Brad asked.

"Yeah. Why?"

"Cause normally you would have finished your food by now. You have also been avoiding spending time with us. And I can smell a hint of alcohol on your breath. Are you drunk right now?" His words did not come to me at all. I was too preoccupied by my thoughts on the knife he has.

If I cut myself, how long till I feel completely nothing?

Brad quickly hid the knife out of my view.

"Jesus, Kyle." He was flustered. "Why don't you say something to me?"

I stood up. I didn't want him or anyone here. I just wanted to be alone. Brad pulled me down again before I could take my first step.

"What the hell!?" I yelled. Instead of answering back, he hugged me. I felt the overwhelming urge to let loose. Thankfully, people cannot see inside the lounge. I would die of embarrassment if they saw me crying.

"Is this about him?" Brad asked.

I didn't answer. Involving Jacob will just complicate things.

"When you're ready, tell me everything, okay? Letting it bottle up inside you won't do any good." He let go of me and muffled my hair. "I won't force you this time, Kyle. But if you don't fix your shit right away, I'm carrying you to the shrink."

I laughed. It was the first time that I laughed. I felt lighter. It wasn't a total fix but crying it out really helped me feel better.

"Thanks, Brad." He smiled at me. The smile let me know that it isn't the end of the world for me. I'll try to move on.

***

Two Days Later (Saturday) @ 7AM.

I was holding a box full of Jacob's things. I was at his front door and trying to gather strength to talk to him. This would be the last thing I do before I tried to move on. I took a deep breath and knocked.

Jacob was shocked to see me.

"Uhm... Hi."

"Kyle, if this is about us again, you are wasting your time."

"Please, just listen to me for a minute."

"Fine. What is it."

"First things first, I'm here to return your things." I handed him the box and went on. "These are your books and some of your clothes you left in my house."

I took a deep breath again. My tears began to fall.

"This is the last time I'll ask for your forgiveness, Jake. Again, I apologize. I know my presence still makes you remember the pain and I am sorry for that. I give up. I give up the hope that someday we'll get married and that be happy. I give up the hope that someday we can become best friends again. I give up the hope that we can at least be friends. But I will not give up the hope that someday you'll forgive me." Instinctively, I grabbed his face and planted a long kiss on his lips. Though it was quick, it shocked me to the core. I smiled and left before all the courage I had mustered to move on crashes and burns.

I fought with all my heart the urge to look back. Now, I'm ready to move on, albeit painfully.

***

I did the first thing anyone would do when they decide to move on.

I googled it. I clicked on links on how to do it and give me insights - like 'take up a new hobby', 'spend more time with friends', and ultimately, 'try seeing someone new'.

I decided to try 'spending more time with friends'.

I took my phone and texted the guys to see if they wanted to hang out. After a minute, all of them declined with having things to do.

This is harder than I thought.

I faced the computer again to see the next item: 'take up a new hobby'.

I remembered that the guys had said that I needed to learn how to cook. Maybe that's a good thing for me to focus on. After all, I need to recover all the nutrients I lost the last few days. To my luck, there is a beginner's cooking class in the Recreation Center in two hours. Immediately, I cleaned up myself, dressed myself, and drove to the class.

***

It was funny to see that all my classmates in the cooking class were kids. I thought the class was for adults who really don't know how to cook. The teacher was a delightful, middle aged woman.

Not surprisingly, the first lesson was how to turn on the stove without burning the house down. I was more thankful that the stove we were using is similar to the one I have at home.

After a few minutes of lessons on how to not endanger you or anyone else while cooking, we finally started the cooking lessons. We were ordered to partner up. My partner was cute little girl named Sarah. She has blonde hair, green eyes, rosy cheeks, and two missing front teeth. I absolutely adored her when she shyly approached me.

"Hewwow Mithtur. Can you pwease be my partner?" I smiled at her.

"You had me at hello." I replied. She giggled.

We made some simple recipes and ate them together. I hadn't had fun like this in a while. I was already looking forward to the next session. The only thing I did not like is that it is only once a week on a Saturday.

I walked with her to the waiting area and waited for her parents to arrive. I learned that she only has a dad now. Her mom died at child birth. She is now 6 and is in the first grade. It wasn't long till her dad arrived. He was a handsome man. His name was Gauge. He was over six feet tall. He had broad shoulders, green eyes and blonde hair like Sarah. His beard was carefully trimmed. I could tell he goes to a barbershop to have it styled.

He was nice. He was very warm and very intelligent. I actually enjoyed talking to him. He is an engineer and owns a construction company. He gave me his card and winked before he walked away.

I visited a few places that spark my interest before going to the grocery. I can't believe that you can get lost in a grocery store. Before, I only went to one section, bread and spreads. It's fun though. Different foods I never knew existed sparked a new interest in me.

I got home at 10. It was an exhausting drive but worth it. It was a good day, or so I thought. As I was walking to my door, I saw Brad, Clay, and Tyler coming out of Jacob's gate. I guess they didn't know we are neighbors. After all, I never brought them to my house.

They were white as hell when they saw me. I smiled bitterly and hurriedly opened my door and locked it. So much for spending more time with your so called friends.

***

I took an early lunch to avoid the guys and Jacob. The only living soul aside from me there was Robbie. I hadn't seen Robbie for quite a while and I felt guilty for shouting at him.

I went to his table and sat across him.

"Hey Rob, I just want to say sorry for shouting at you that one time."

"Sure. I'm sorry too. I know sometimes I can't keep my mouth shut."

"It's alright. We all have issues."

"Thanks. How's rooming with Jacob, by the way?"

"I don't know."

"Why?"

"Well he doesn't really talk to me so I only put my things there and avoid going to the room at all cost."

"Oh. I thought it was because you had a thing back then in high school. It's been a rumor recently. I heard some of the older teachers talk about it."

"Oh. Well, whatever." I tried to get to know my annoying colleague for real this time. Robbie was hilarious. It turns out we have a lot in common, too. He even invited me for Karaoke with the younger Math teachers. In turn, I invited him to the cooking class. He laughed so hard when I told him about the kids.

We were having a good laugh when the Jacob and the guys entered. I tried hard to not look uncomfortable and I casually went back to my conversation with Robbie. Robbie must have sensed it and invited me for a coffee in the Match teachers' faculty room.

I felt their eyes bore through me as I walked behind Robbie to the door.

"Thanks." I muttered to Robbie when we were away from the lounge.

"Anything for a friend. So, where are you going now?"

"I really don't know. Wait for class I guess."

"Okay. I'll head to our department's office now."

"All right, see you."

***

My nap was cut short when the office door opened. Jacob was back. I stood up and gathered my things. I kept my head down to avoid his gaze or gazing at him. I was about to open the door when I heard him speak.

"Kyle..."

I breathed deep before answering.

"Yeah?" I was still looking down. I refused to look at him. I was afraid that one glance at him and my task of moving on would shatter to oblivion.

"You don't have to make yourself scarce in this office for me. I mean it is yours and I am just temporary."

"I wasn't doing it for you, Jake. I was doing it for me."

"I see. And the guys, it's -"

"It's okay, Jacob. They are your friends too. I don't have the right to stop them from spending time with you."

"All right. Maybe you can come with us sometime."

"You don't to do that have, either, Jacob. I know you hate me. We would both just be miserable if we were together."

***

Friday Night

It was a night filled with booze and drugs. Kidding. Just booze. We are party animals but not hardcore. I just finished singing Michael Learns to Rock's 25 Minutes. I like the 90's. Patricia, the algebra teacher is currently singing Katy Perry's I Kissed A Girl. Annie, the other Algebra teacher played along with her by dancing. Some of the guys started yelling 'KISS' and I joined in. Not failing the request, Annie gave Patricia a quick smack in the lips.

"What the hell was that? I need to see some tongue action!" Robbie jokingly yelled.

The guys followed in chanting 'TONGUE.' I guess the girls were pretty boozed as they actually gave us a live make-out session. We, including the other girls, hooted.

The boys were sad when the song ended.

"You're lucky." Robbie said to me.

"Why?"

"Cause you didn't have to feel sad when that ended."

"Fuck you," I laughed

"In your dreams," he said back.

"More like nightmare."

"Ass,." he quipped back.

Patty sat beside me and asked a question.

"So, Kyle, there's a rumor going on school that you and Mr. Hot Model were lovers in high school. Is that true?"

"No." I denied it. I really didn't want to drag his name in this issue. If I said yes, I'm sure that this would be the gossip in the entire school.

"They said you were pretty close."

"When we were kids, yeah, but we ran in different circles when we started high school."

"That's a shame you didn't become a couple. You two really would look good together." I smiled.

She raised her eyebrows.

"You like him, don't you?" She asked.

I was tempted to say that I actually love him but thank God I still have my inhibitions. I had opted to be alcohol free tonight since I have a secret cooking class.

"Who doesn't?" I replied.

"You're right. That hunk is so dreamy. Too bad, he bats for your team."

Jacob announced that he was gay the morning the guys suggested it. Soon the girls didn't really follow him anymore. They were just content to eye the candy in front of them.

I chuckled.

***

We'd said goodbyes to each other by midnight. Some opted to go to get Chinese food and some like me opted to go home. I have no one close by so I went alone.

There was someone slouched in my car. I walked fast to find out who he was. I have 911 in speed dial. It was the man I have dreamt of all these years. His face was so pleasant to look at. Before I could think of earthly ideas, I shook him to wake him up.

"Jacob, wake up."