I'm Not Gay

Noah Ganton, Noah Thompson-Ganton, Mr. and Mr. Ganton, Noah and Bryson Ganton, or would he change his name to Bryson Thompson?

I had been coming up with alternatives in my head for an hour like a giddy schoolgirl doodling on her Trapper keeper. I had decided that I would take his name because I couldn't imagine him being named anything but Bryson Ganton. I looked over at the object of my thoughts as he slept peacefully next to me. Last night, we had sex two more times, before I finally admitted I was too sore to do it again. Bryson was a wonderful lover. He's patient and gentle, but so passionate and giving. It was the time right after he brought me in from the porch that I first tried giving him a blowjob.

I looked in front of me at Bryson's cock. It was huge. Was that normal? I mean, I know the guys in porn always had huge cocks, but that can't be normal. How was I supposed to fit that all in my mouth? I suddenly felt like maybe I had an abnormally small mouth.

"Noah, baby, not to rush you, but you do plan on doing more than look at it, right?" Bryson asked hopefully. I startled at his question and looked up at him with a smile. I swatted his thigh playfully.

"I'm strategizing." I said.

"It's not a football play, Bunny. It's a blowjob," he so helpfully pointed out as he stroked my hair. As if I would even know how to start strategizing a football play. I reached forward and grabbed the base of it with my hands. I'd heard that it was supposed to be like licking a lollipop so I started there. I started at the base of the bottom of his penis and licked my way up to the head. Bryson gasped and moaned, so I figured I was doing something right. I licked my way around his penis from bottom to top and it drove him crazy each time. I was even getting a little into it at that point. I stuck the head in my mouth and licked around the edge. I loved hearing the pleased sounds from Bryson's mouth. He had given me so much pleasure that I wanted to return what little pleasure I could to him. I could tell I was doing a good job because the hand in my hair had changed from gentle strokes to a death grip. I started letting the head of the penis go deeper into my mouth. I was, by no means, ready to deep-throat, but I figured a little deeper would be good enough. I used my right hand to fondle his balls, while my left hand stroked up and down his thigh. I felt his thigh tense up and he stuttered a nonsensical warning.

I think back on it now and I very much should have known what his blabbering was about, but I didn't. The first shot of come was a bit of a shock and I choked on it a little bit. After that, though, I got the message and started swallowing his load. He tasted wonderful to me. I'd always thought the idea of swallowing was a bit repulsive, but it seemed so natural in the moment. He pulled me up from my knees and tried to give me a kiss. I didn't want to gross him out so I turned my head. I had just swallowed the man's sperm, for Christ's sake! He just pulled my lips back to his and gave me a passionate kiss. He pulled me towards the bed and began doing unspeakably pleasurable things to my body As I pulled myself out of my daydream, the object of said daydream was waking up. He rolled over to me and pulled me into his arms as he made his waking up groans. I've discovered that he has a series of adorable little grunts and groans that he makes while he is waking up. He's almost like a bear waking up from hibernation.

He inhaled and said, "Hey darling, how much I owe you for last night?"

"How lucky I am to be with someone who is so clever. What did I ever do to deserve you?" I asked sarcastically. He chuckled and pulled me closer.

"So, what's the plan for today? Are we telling everyone?" he asked.

I thought about it and answered, "I would like to tell everyone. However, I want to meet up with Alex first and explain last night." I figured I owed the poor man. I had basically attacked him in the strip club and demanded a date and then ditched him at the restaurant. I got out of bed and grabbed my cell phone. I shot off a text to Alex asking to meet in two hours at the coffee shop.

"No. You're not going on a date. Are you kidding?" Bryson sat up and looked at me with a severely grumpy face.

"It's not a date, psycho. I have to explain why some crazed lunatic pulled me out of a perfectly nice date and I didn't call him later. He probably thinks you murdered me." I said. I heard my phone ding and I read a text from Alex, agreeing to meet me.

"Fine, but only for like a half an hour. Meet for coffee, say 'That guy was my boyfriend. Back the fuck off!' and then leave. Then we can tell your family."

"Oh yes. That's the perfect thing to say. Thank you! I was so worried about how I would explain it." I got out of bed and grabbed my clothes. "Ok, you need to drive me back to my house though because I'm meeting him in two hours."

Bryson begrudgingly got dressed and we hopped in the car and went to my house. When we walked into the house, Bryson went straight to the kitchen while I went to grab a shower. After getting ready, I walked into the kitchen and found Bryson shoving his face with my mom's leftovers.

"You're endlessly charming." I said derisively.

"Hey, I need my energy. I scored last night and my lay for the evening was particularly vivacious. A tiger in bed, I tell you," he said through a mouth of food. Once he swallowed, he got up and moved towards me. I put my arms around his neck as he slid his hands around my waist to the small of my back right above my butt. "You look awfully nice to be going on a date with another man."

"Once again, it's not a date. It's the opposite of a date. It's a rejection." I said before pecking him on the lips. Right as our lips touched, we heard footsteps in the hallway and had just enough time to pull our heads apart before my brother walked into the kitchen. He stopped short and looked at the two of us embracing with a look of deep confusion. I figured this was the perfect time to tell Dean about us, but apparently Bryson had a different plan.

"Dude, your brother has a date. I was just giving him a hug to congratulate him. Little Thompson, getting some ass." He pulled me into a rough hug and slapped me on the back a couple of times. Dean looked considerably less confused and just nodded his head.

"Congratulations, little brother. Isn't that a little weird though? The wedding is tomorrow and then you only have a couple more days until you head back to the city." Dean pointed out. At the mention of me heading back to the city, Bryson's fork clattered to the table. I think he had forgotten that I don't live in town anymore.

"We're just friends. It won't be awkward." I said. "Anyways, I have to go meet him. I'll see you both later." I looked over at Bryson and he refused to make eye contact. I think he was trying not to make Dean suspicious. On one hand, it made sense. This wasn't the perfect time to tell Dean. On the other hand, I was pissed off. It may not have been the perfect time, but Bryson was so excited to tell everyone this morning and now, when the opportunity arose, he acted like he was pleased to be sending me into the arms of Alex. I think I was also pissy because Dean had reminded me of one more obstacle to mine and Bryson's relationship. I live in the city and he lives in Brawnee Falls. How would we date? I don't think I could move back here and be truly happy and Bryson had always lived in Brawnee Falls and, as far as I know, always would.

I arrived at the coffee shop five minutes early and I sat down to read a book. I couldn't really focus well because of all the thoughts bouncing around in my head. I looked up at Alex's approach. He took one look at my emotionally tortured face and pulled me up into a hug. This man was a godsend. I shuddered out a breath, trying not to cry. I pulled back from the hug and sat down as Alex joined me in the other chair at the table.

"Thanks," I said, "I didn't realize how much I needed one of those."

"You looked it. So, let me guess, he's not exactly straight." Alex said with a knowing look on his face.

"How did you know?!" I figured he would have just assumed it was a family emergency like I had last night.

"Intuition. Also, I know you wouldn't be meeting up with me today if any of your family had been hurt. Plus, you have the look of someone whose heart is torturing their mind."

"Oh god, Alex, he's driving me crazy. One moment I'm crazy in love with him and the next minute I want to literally strangle him. He's got me second guessing my feelings and everything I say. He's hot one minute and cold the next. I can't tell if he wants to be with me or not. I've never been this confused. From the very start, I felt that he was just a confused straight guy that was going to break my heart and part of me still feels that way, but he's gone so much further with it than I thought he would. I feel like there's me and then there's the person I am when he looks at me and I can't make those two people be the same person. I'm unhappy because I'm confused and I'm scared, but I'm deliriously happy that this beautiful man wants me for even a minute. Sometimes, I think I want to go back to the time when he was just my brother's best friend, but then I think about it and I was just straight up unhappy then with no silver lining. I'm not even making sense anymore. Who am I? I used to be so smart." I finished with a pathetic whine.

"No one's smart when it comes to love. Doctor, janitor, old, young, girl, boy: we're all helpless dumbasses when we fall in love. You, my friend, have a particularly serious case of dumbass," he finished with a smile.

"I know. I'm sorry. I came here to apologize. Not to unload all my problems on you. I shouldn't have rushed out on our date like that. If I had known that there was no emergency, I never would have left. It was all a trick by him to get me to talk to him. He's a crazy person. I think that's one of the things I love most about him: his innate ability to go from 0 to 60 in no time. He just admitted that he loves me and he's already got me in such turmoil. It's a gift," I laughed.

"Not a problem. I wasn't expecting the date to go anywhere. I knew you were in love with him, but I enjoy your company. Clearly, he loves you if he was willing to go to that much trouble. Tell me the whole story. Every detail. We'll see if we can't work something out." I've never had someone make me open up to him in that way before. As cliché as it sounds, this was the start of a beautiful friendship between Alex and I.

About three hours went by until I was completely finished with my story. Alex sat back and just said, "Wow. You're fucked."

I laughed incredulously and said, "Alex! Not helpful. I know that I'm fucked. I was hoping that you would have sage advise to get me out of this mess."

"Ok, ok, let's see. It sounds like he sincerely wants to be with you, but he's confused. I think that, when he's just talking to you about it, he's as confident as can be that he can just come out to the world, Brawnee Falls included, with no problem. However, when he's faced with the actuality of doing it, he feels slightly less invisible. I think you and him need to openly and honestly discuss what telling people would mean for him and you. You're not exactly openly gay in Brawnee Falls either. If he still says he wants to do it, then you need to stop doubting him and trust in him. If he wants out of your relationship, then you have to suck it up and let him go. He's not ready for you. You'll go home to the city and find someone else." It all sounded so simple when Alex laid it out like that.

I nodded my head and thought about my options. I liked the open honesty, but I wasn't pleased with the scenario that ended in me giving up Bryson. He was like a bad drug. I thought I was just a social user and could stop any time I wanted, but deep down I knew I was hooked. It looks like Bryson and I had a lot to talk about.

"Alright, Alex, you are literally a miracle worker and a great friend. I'm sorry again about last night. I have to go though. I think I can still catch him at my house." I finished my goodbyes to Alex with a hug and headed out of the coffee shop. When I got back to my house, I realized that Bryson's car was gone. I walked into the living room and Dean was watching TV on the couch.

"Where's Bryson?" I asked.

"He left. He waited around for about an hour and a half after you left. He was driving me crazy. First, he was all moody and weird and then, about an hour after you left, he started pacing in front of the window. Then, finally, he got really angry and left in a huff without even saying goodbye. That was about two hours ago." Dean finished.

"Yeah, that's weird. Do you think he was headed home?" I asked.

"I don't know" I headed out the door to go find Bryson and then I heard my brother say, "Where are you going? I was kind of hoping we could hang out tonight. It's my last night before I'm a married man and you'll be leaving soon. I was kind of hoping I could hang out with you and Brys tonight, but since he's bugging out, it's just you and me. What do you say, little brother?"

I thought about it and I felt awful. I'd been so focused on Bryson this whole trip that I hadn't dedicated any time to hanging out with my brother in his last days of being single. I would just have to talk to Bryson at the wedding. He would definitely be there, if Ashley had to drag him by the balls. I sat down on the couch and watched TV with my brother. We laughed and joked and for the first time this trip, since the morning at the river, I forgot about all of my Bryson troubles and just relaxed with my brother. We started talking about my life and he asked about my love life. I so wanted to tell him about Bryson, but I had a feeling Bryson didn't want him to know. Momentarily, I considered the fact that, if Bryson and I were in the relationship we had discussed last night and early this morning then I should be able to tell people, including my brother. Why did I have to wait for his permission? But, I couldn't go through with it. I knew that would hurt Bryson and I couldn't do that knowingly. I just told my brother I was single and we moved on.

That night, I laid in bed and I planned all of the things I wanted to say to Bryson. I fell asleep before I really cemented everything I wanted to say. I woke up pretty late the next morning. The wedding wasn't until noon and all I had to do was shower and put on a tux. I waited in our lobby as my family prepared to leave for the church and each of Dean's five groomsmen showed up. Bryson didn't show up until the last minute before we had to leave. There was no time to talk to him in private. We all got in the limo to drive to the church. I was on the opposite side of the limo from Bryson and I tried to catch his eye. I was hoping for a nod, a small reassuring smile, or really any sign that he knew I existed. He pointedly avoided my stares.

I was too distracted by my heartbreak to really notice much about the ceremony. The church was big and beautiful. Ashley looked gorgeous and my brother looked deliriously happy. I sat, kneeled, and stood at the right moments. I dutifully smiled until my cheeks hurt for pictures. The majority of the time during the ceremony, I looked at Bryson. I memorized the shape of his face, the curves and angles of his body, and the exact color of his eyes and hair. I felt an inexplicable sense of doom.

After the ceremony, we once again barreled into the limo and arrived at the reception hall. I sat at the table for a little bit and chatted with some family members. I went to the bathroom and found Bryson sitting on a chair in the corner of the very fancy men's room with his head in his hands. He looked up when I opened the door. He quickly moved to the sink and started washing his hands. I moved up to him and put my hand in the center of his back. He jumped at my touch and moved away towards the paper towels. My hand was left hanging in midair, as if I had been touching a ghost. I looked over at him with a hurt and confused look on my face.

"How was your

date

with Alex? It ran a little long to just be a rejection." He said viciously. I could smell a decent amount of alcohol on him and I wondered just how much he had drank that night.

"We got to talking and I just got caught up. He's a great guy." I said.

"Yeah, I'm sure he is. Did you fuck him?" he snapped out.

I reeled like he had just spit in my face. I had never heard something so cruel and obnoxious come out of Bryson's mouth, especially directed towards me. "No, asshole, I didn't fuck him. We just talked. Like I said, he's a really great guy. He's just a good friend"

"Great. I'm curious how many 'good friends' you'll find when you head back to the city. How many 'good friends' you get down on your knees or on your back for. I knew you were too good at cock-sucking to be a virgin. Probably just one giant act. I'm sure that you just talked to Alex today. Be real, Noah." I couldn't believe he was being so hateful. I backed up towards the door.

"I am being real. I don't know why you're doing this and why you're being this way, but the reason I was talking so long with Alex was that I was telling him how much I loved you, how crazy I was about you, and just how much I wanted to be with you. He was incredibly supportive, even though I was so stupid to get involved in something I knew was going to end badly. I knew you would do this. I knew you would turn on me. I warned you! I warned you and you still dragged us into this relationship." He scoffed at the word "relationship".

I looked at him one last time, leaning heavily on the counter and glaring at me. "Bryson Ganton, whether you want to admit it or not, you were in a relationship with me. A completely misguided relationship, but a relationship nonetheless. Don't worry, though, you've effectively ended it with your behavior tonight. It wasn't an act. I was a virgin before you and, because I loved you with all my heart, I gave myself to you body and soul. I think that was the biggest mistake I ever made." With that said, I walked out the door. I collected my thoughts before walking back into the reception hall. I faked my way through the rest of the night. I danced with Ashley and my mother. I drank a beer with my father and a few cousins. I clapped as the happy couple kissed and speeches were made. Bryson's speech was short, but well said considering the amount of alcohol he obviously consumed. At the end of the night, I went home with my parents and went to bed. I laid in bed and looked at my ceiling. I didn't think. I had no thoughts. There were no perfect words or emotions to describe the way I was at that time. I just stared. I was becoming proficient at staring.

In the morning, I surprised both of my parents by saying I was leaving. I had promised to stay a few days after the wedding to bond with my family without the craziness of the wedding taking over our time. I told them that something had come up with work and I had to go back early. The truth was that I had taken a two-week vacation from work with barely a need to call and check in. The truth was that I was running like a dog with my tail between my legs. I didn't want to stay in Brawnee Falls and continuously relive my failure. I had given myself into fantasy and I had been burned. At least, I got rid of my virginity. I suppose that was a plus.

On my drive home, I thought of Bryson. As always. At times, both in my youth and in these past couple of days, I had had the brief and fantastical thought that I was made with the soul purpose of loving Bryson. It was the only thing I had ever been truly exceptional at. In my youth, there was always hope that Bryson would realize he loved me and I could finally fulfill my purpose. Well, that had happened. Now here I was driving on an empty highway towards a job I hate in a city I hate, with no purpose but to keep on breathing and not let myself die of the heartache.