If Only I Could

High School gym/pool class. Every gay mans fantasy...and fear? A few years later and it's the Air Force. The (second) hottest man I have ever known...but the military of the seventies was more like the Fear Force! Come take an easy ride with me. I suddenly have the urge to travel back in time, mentally at least, to reconstruct and reimagine some important decision making moments. This time, I get the guy. Both of them!

High School -

Jackson and James are by far the hottest identical twins, out of four pair!, in my high school. Blonde, handsome, athletic and supremely built...these two divert my attention from 'learning' whenever I catch a glimpse of one or both of them.

"Hold it closer, Dave." Jack and I are paired as lab partners in our chemistry class. Mr. Bugner has scolded us in the past for being too chummy and disruptive, so he seems to have given in, and now just puts us together for all our lab work.

"If I do, Jack-O...the sample will burn, or the glass will crack." He leans in closer, puts his warm-breathing hot lips against my right ear, and gives it a lick.

"Don't be so gay, Davie, be a man, if it cracks, I'll treat for lunch." The rest of the lab work eventually gets done, and we head to the lunch room for my free meal.

"Told you." He is smiling at me in the most churlish and mischievous yet seductive way possible...and my heart is racing in my eighteen year old body. Jack is, well, jacked! No one else in my school has better abs. No one. Maybe his twin.

"Homo. At least you went along with it, right?" I did. He asked me to. I would do it...I will do anything that Jack asks me to. Anything.

"You on the swim team again this year?" Lunchtime small talk continues. Jack is on three teams in his spare time. His grades are high. Mine are mediocre, at best. I am not on any team sport; but I am in the chorus and glee club! Even the way he eats is sexy to me. If I'm not careful with my staring, Jack will figure me out for real, and real soon.

"Yup. Come to my meet this week, bud. Better still, practice with me tomorrow. I have the pool to myself after class for a whole hour. It'll be fun!" Panic. I can't swim, and he knows it. Is he teasing me to be mean, or what? I suddenly feel odd, like I want to puke. Jack sees my distress and freezes.

"No."

"You okay?"

"No. You know I can't swim. But I'll be there for you anyway." My monotone answer strikes a chord in him; he places a strong arm on my shoulder and whispers:

"You can. You just think that you can't. Let me help." More panic. I can visualize us in the pool, all alone, mostly naked except for our impossibly tight Speedos clinging to every curve of whatever they are caressing within. Oh, yeah, I have seen Jack's 'whatever' in the showers. As impressive as the rest of him.

"You'll dunk me again. You know I hate that. Getting water up my nose hurts like hell."

"I know it does."

"Then why do you do it?" He looks pensive.

"Because I like you." Stay with me on this one. He likes me, so he does what he knows will hurt me. I just shake my head at him in dismay. "I like you, no homo, and I get to be there when you're in distress. You know, kind of like a rescuer."

"You like rescuing me?" His can of worms is open, and Jack is thinking.

"Sure. We're best buds. It's what guys do." He still looks unsure of himself. Well, I for one do not like to see him in distress, so I'll end this.

"Okay. I have a shit ton of homework to get done. See you tomorrow." I turn to leave and this time, his powerful body checks my path with a quick blocking move, almost knocking me over.

"Oops, sorry, man. You dropped your notebook." When I see my blue binder notebook on the floor, real panic sets in, as at the same time the two of us bend to pick it up. We knock heads and fall over in pain and laughter. But I am first to grab my book. It has my private thoughts in it. Very private thoughts. Jack shoots me a look. It is one of longing. It rocks me to my core.

Part 2 -

We have to shower before getting into the pool, and after, as well. With the confidence of his hard body always bolstering Jack's spirit, his clothes are in the locker before my shoes are even off. My view from the bench - my usual place on any team - is a good one today. I'll trade good grades, or a nose full of water, for this view any day!

Shower Number One -

"Soap, please." My free-spirited friend has forgotten his soap, again. He takes it from my outstretched hand. With a swipe of the bar from my throat to my navel, he reminds me: "Clean the pole and clean the hole!" Why do I laugh at his corny jokes?

As Jack busies himself getting lathered up, I try not to get lathered up in my mind - an impossible task right now. Jack is my height at 5'10". He is gym built; and a model of male perfection for his age...for any age. None of us is yet into body grooming, so his pit and bush hair are all prominent and very inviting. I love the light dusting of hair on Jack's chest and limbs. When he reaches up to shower away the soap from his pits, I lose it completely. Turning away from my obsession, I fight to lose my hard-on, to no avail.

"Here, catch!" I half turn towards him for obvious reasons. He tosses me the bar. It drops to the floor. Yes. I dropped the soap!

"Damn, homo. Rockin' a nice one there." I had to complete the turn to pick up the soap.

"Fuck you." My smile and embarrassment only fuel his need to tease.

"So who has a bigger one?" Before I can answer, Jack starts to throttle his penis in a frenzied attempt to 'measure up'.

At our age, it does not take long for Mr. Happy to raise his head. Jack sidles next to me, and we both look down at our dongs.

"Maybe it's you, homo." Then Mr. Confidence fists his meat and pushes the head toward my body while lifting my cock and pulling it to touch his own belly. I go with it as my state of shock continues. "Yup - it's you by about a half inch. Yours touches me, mine does not quite reach."

"Size isn't everything, Jack." He gives me a wink and strolls out to get his Speedos. I quickly soap down, rinse off, and rush to keep up with him. He has his briefs in his hand.

"Like what you see, homo?" Caught.

"Love it! Put on your Speedos Mr. Speedy, and cover up that ugly junk between your legs. Mr. Bush, Mr. Rocks, and Mr. Pole look like they need Mr. Hand right about now." My bud is starting to rock a budding erection again, with all this bro talk. He slips on his revealing white speedos, and pushes his crotch up to my face.

"My hand or yours?" I reach up to push Jack away, and as his bulge fills the palm of my hand, I instantly know it was a bad move.

"Damn, Davie. Control yourself! You can have all of this soon enough!" My jaw drops; he strides out to the pool deck, and I rush once again to be by his side.

"Jump in!" He is treading water where the shallow end meets the deep end; wet hair looks so very good on Jack. Alternating with some float time, his treasure trail, though light in color, mesmerizes me with the memory of our recent sword fight in the shower. I climb into the pool gingerly, and doggie paddle towards him.

"Do me a favor. Just drown me." His smile disappears.

"I love you, bro. I would never really hurt you." It is a moment of pure and open truthfulness. How do I react? By breaking it with humor, of course.

"Homo!" He lunges at me with powerful legs pushing powerful torso and chest at my body...powerful arms grab me; and we plunge to the bottom, no time for me to even take a breath! I feel him loosen his grip and rise to the surface. I feel myself start to go dark; as my limp body slides down the slope of the pool into the very deep water.

"Davie!!!" Did I hear him yell? I remember another time when I was in day camp at the lake. I lost my footing and went under without a breath then, too. I panicked and grabbed a fellow camper until he pushed me off. Somehow I managed to get to the shore and nurse my shame for the rest of that day. But now, I just feel an odd kind of calm, not panic. I just feel...

Shower Number Two -

"Fuck. Wake up!" Something is shaking my body. The cameras will later show Jack diving in to pull me up to safety. Somehow, he manages to hoist me onto the pool deck, and start CPR. I know the camera shows him doing mouth-to-mouth, but it looks more like a panicked kiss to me. Anyway, at this moment, I am too deeply gone to know anything. We'll see the video later, together. "Damn it Davie!! WAKE UP!! Wake...PLEASE!! Please, Davie..."

(hard coughing sounds) "What...?" My eyes are still closed. I feel light headed. No. I feel sick. Puking is my least favorite thing to do.

"Oh Yeah!! Get it out!! You'll be okay....you'll be...."

In a fit of shock at my predicament, I lurch up, eyes open, and we are face to face, with Jack straddling my body. Our eyes lock on to each other, His seem wet. His bear hug catches me off guard, and I go limp in his arms, although that does not take a big effort on my part.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Davie." He is sobbing. I am too drained to respond, but I do feel a gentle kiss on the side of my neck.

"Water." The request comes out in a squeak. All that spitting up and I am dry as a bone. He bolts off me, and returns in a flash with a cup. I am up on my elbows now. Jack puts a hand lovingly at the back of my head, places the cup to my lips, and I take a sip. One sip is enough for now. "Some swim lesson that was!" He lets out a quick laugh and shoots me a half smile. Then he drops the paper cup; and it's back to the bear hug and sobbing. No complaints from me.

After we have had enough time to collect ourselves, Jack stands, offers his hand to me, and I take it, eyes locked together again. As he hoists me upward and toward him, my legs give way. I am immediately in his 'fireman's carry', and we head to the showers.

Jack is unusually quiet. I am feeling a little better now, as the warm water cascades off of me. We still have our Speedos on. I feel a bit weak; and am leaning on the shower wall with my palms on the tiles. I feel his hands, soapy and wet, start to caress my shoulders. No words are spoken. Jack continues to massage my back with soap, reaching down to slip my Speedos to the floor. I give my head a quick turn to the right and he is there, waiting to place a kiss on my lips.

"Things will be different now. I promise." Jack reaches forward and tenderly soaps my now heaving chest. I feel his body clinging to mine; his hands caressing me, his lips at my neck. "I know. I know how you feel...about me. I just couldn't, before...I can now." His left arm moves upward, and stretches over mine, with his hand taking mine in his. His right arm moves down my flanks. I let out a low moan when I feel Jack's hand take me, and begin to stroke.

"You don't have to..."

"I want to."

"Okay." His touch is pure heaven. But I can not let go of my imagination, even in this moment of supreme reality; and I envision Jack working his own tool....but it's mine. My balls are swollen from three days of not nutting. I know. Hard to believe at my age, but still true. "Jack. I can't hold it much more."

"Don't. Just let it go. It's what you,... what WE need right now." He's right. I feel my endorphins rushing in to replace the terror of the pool. I know I will blow a big load any second, but the only thing on my mind is what I can do to make Jack feel better. Then it comes to me.

"Oh....Oh Fuck. Fuck! JACK!!!" The wall tiles are getting painted with my spooge. I count eight big ropes. Number nine comes, and I am done. But I'm still nice and hard.

"Good boy. You're my favorite homo, did you know that?" I look at him and wince in mock disappointment.

"Favorite implies more than just me. I will not share you with anyone else. Put me back in the pool!" He looks terrified, his eyes filling with tears again.

"Not funny." As I wrap my arms around my new boyfriends neck we lean in and kiss, tongues wagging, until I feel Jack rise to his limit. It's a guy thing. I can tell that he is ready for more.

"Your turn." He looks puzzled. I once again take up the position, with my palms on the wall tiles, this time spreading my legs, and thrusting my butt backward.

"I can't."

"You just think that you can't." He groans. "You said that very sentence to me about my learning to swim. You were right. Now I'm right. Come take what we both want to give each other, Jack. Come take me for yourself, and for you alone." I feel his hand start to explore my ass; and push slowly into the crease. Soapy fingers search for and find a waiting and willing pucker. As Jack slides two digits past my ring, my mind switches off and I only know what I feel. I feel ready.

"If this hurts..." He sounds worried.

"It won't."

"I've had vegetables bigger than you up there before."

"Did you eat them after?"

"No, but I will 'eat' you after...." and in goes the hot jock cock of Jack Comenton.

"You're MY homo now."

"Damn right I am!"

********

Air Force -

Bricklin Olsen and I are friends. Brick is a friend to just about everyone in our unit. I have never known a more even-tempered and loving man in my entire lifetime. At the age of twenty one, we have enlisted in the service for a four year hitch. After basic training and temporary tech school assignments, we find ourselves working together at a laid back base hospital in northern California.

"Come on, Dave, It'll be fun. It's just us. The others are out for the night." We share a small rented house off base. There are six of us. One married couple. Two single guys, One single girl. And Brick. He is holding out two small white pills, and his hand is slowly moving toward me. It seems like the movement is in slow motion, because I know what the pills are for, and I am hesitant.

"Brick, you know..." He knows I don't do drugs. Sure, I cave to an occasional 'J' with my buds, but they don't mind it at all when they choose to go harder, and I just chill to myself.

"Just a mild ride, D...nothing too wild, I promise." Wish you could see the weed plants growing between the cornstalks in the garden next to the cottage! Now that's my idea of a good time. But pills...I don't know.

"It'll take away our inhibitions." I catch my breath, and wonder if Brick knows how much I want him. No way am I out at this time in my life. But I can not help stealing furtive glances at Brick whenever he gets out of the shower, or into the tub, or when he irons his pants for work, or...

"I don't know, Brick. How about we just smoke a doobie together?" He still has his hand out. His eyes are drilling into my head and into my soul and into my crotch. He knows I am weakening.

"It's now or never, D." With that, one pill is popped into his mouth, and swallowed with a gulp of water. His smile melts my mind, resistance, and logic pathways. It is summertime. We are both shirtless. As I reach for the remaining pill, Brick beams, and hands me the glass of water.

"Down the hatch, bud. It's always more fun with a fellow traveler, D. We'll have a great ride!" I swallow the pill. I have instant regrets.

Part 2 -

I have a good body, the product of good genes, good food habits, and a little gym work. Some guys are born with and develop a body that is outstanding for its visual perfection; without even lifting a single barbell. That's my friend Brick. He is about one inch shorter than me. My hair is dark brown and curly-wavy. His hair is darker brown and straight-wavy. He calls it his 'tree trunks'. He once asked me to give him a trim. We got all set up with him seated and covered in a large towel the way a barber does. I held the comb and scissors near his head...and froze. No way could I cut even one strand of hair on the head of the one guy in this world I would currently give my life for at the drop of a hat. He just laughed.

"Sit with me." We sit on the edge of his bed. He bends down to take off my shoes and sox. I drool a little while watching his muscles contract and relax to his effort. Now we are both clad only in khaki shorts. I know that Brick often goes commando. I wonder if we will go that far.

"Oh. Brick!" I just got a rush, like a jolt running through my spine to my brain.

"Cool, huh? It's just the beginning, D. Hold ight." A second jolt has me doing exactly that - I grab his arm and squeeze him to me. In the year we have been together, I have always assumed him to be straight. Now, suddenly, I can see I was wrong. Brick is a lover. Period. The way his arm is around my shoulder, as he leans in to whisper in my ear, proves my point.

"Let's make a promise." His lips are so close to me, I can feel his words hit my head like a hot desert wind. I nod slowly.

"What?"

"No inhibitions. Nothing off-limits. You don't say 'no' to me; and I don't say 'no' to you. It's the only way to take this ride without any fear, D. We can be there just for each other. Just us. Just you and me." I'm in.

With the passage of the next minutes, my own long-standing fears have vanished; and my desires to be with a man are going haywire. I have a million crazy thoughts racing in my mind all at once; and I want to do every one of them. With Brick. Only with Brick.

"Moonshadow, moonshadow." Brick is singing softly. to me? I turn toward my friend, and press my nose onto his. In that moment, we can see into each other's worlds. I feel the warm breath from his open mouth make its way over and into my body. It passes through my porous skin like tea leaves through a filter. His scent pulls me closer; and I know that he is also taking me to him in the same sensual way. As our wet lips touch, we feel an electric charge fuse us together, as we melt into the folds of the sheets.

"You are the Universe! I see stars and planets in your eyes. I see inside your mind, D. I AM inside your mind, D. Inside!" How I have wished to take Brick inside my lonely little world. Now it's all real. Or not. But it sure feels good! Brick is into wrestling. I tried it once with him, but was so very inhibited, all I could do was laugh and fold. Now I want to dominate him!!!

"Dang, Davie! Surprise the crap out of me, why don't you. Okay. Uncle. Let loose!" Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

"Remember...neither of us says 'no'." I want to remind him of this, but I give in, let him out of the hold, and sit up on my haunches. As I stare at my bud on the bed, he smiles while he unbuttons his shorts. They get tossed to the floor.

"Next." I want this soooo bad! He reaches over, pushes me down, and in a flash is pinning me down by sitting on my belly and gazing into my 'universe'.

"Brick. I really want to, but..." With one finger at my lips to shush them, he reaches backward, and deftly unbuttons my shorts. Brick lifts up a bit, giving enough room to pull them down to my knees.

"Help!" We devolve into a pool a laughing fools. Then Brick pops up, removes my shorts, and scowls at me. "What the fuck are you wearing underwear for, D.? How are we going to have any fun now?" With that, he starts to cry.

"The fun is for you to take them off, doofus! Take them off, and then tie me up." Did I just say that out loud? Anyway, that's what he does.

"Hands behind your back, and get ready for a blast." Somehow he has managed to use my underwear as a rope, and has me loosely bound. On my side, Brick plants his face in my crotch and begins to suck me. He moves his hips close to my face, and sees that I am having a difficult time getting his cock into my mouth...so he fists it and plops it in for me. What are friends for, right?

"Wait right there." What's he talking about, I can't even get up.

"Ohhhh, Brick. What are you....?" He moves like lightning, yet is fuzzy and weaves everywhere.

"You need a shave. I need a shave. Cock hairs get stuck in my teeth. Hold still." The buzz seems to clank inside my head like the clapper of a bell. Brick is not at all steady with the tool, but he manages to get most of my bush shorn. Then he turns the instrument on his own beautiful garden. Now it's my turn for tears, as I dearly love a good bush! Laughter ensues as I choke out a statement of regret and gratefulness.