If I Had You

Those were bombshells Paul thought he'd never hear, except maybe over an evening of excessive drinking. He was glad he was driving because Jay was shaking, tears running down his face.

"Holy shit Jay! That's a lot to process. You've had all that bottled up?" Paul's voiced filled with concern, he couldn't express his sympathy enough.

"Ian, Jamie, Mason and my parents... my family, are the only ones who have a general idea of what happened. Nobody, except for you, knows everything. There are parts of that I'm too ashamed to tell even them."

"Jay, I don't know what you have to be ashamed about" Paul comforted him "a deranged psycho attacked you. It's not like you lead him on."

"Paul, things happened that night that I enjoyed. Who feels that way!?" Jay was trying to explain but became more disgusted with himself.

"You we're trying to survive, that's who does that. You were fighting for your fucking life Jay" Paul realized he was yelling and backed off. "Maybe you did things your not proud of - or don't understand yet - but Jay, sometimes people do things to weather the storm. Don't focus on what you did, focus on how formidable you truly are."

Jay had never thought of that. He was so fixated on being ashamed - wanting to suck Mitch's dick, wanting to make him cum - enjoying the taste of his load when it was forced on him - that he hadn't considered why he was doing it. He was trying to stay alive.

"So, I need to know" Jay started "does any of this crap give you a reason to run"

"None of it" Paul said bluntly.

Jay opened the center console between them and took out some napkins - remnants from random fast food runs - and wiped the remains of tears from his face.

"Since we're heading back to the city, do you want to stop at my place first, eat a little, then I'll take you home?" Jay asked "or maybe we can finish digging your car out now? I'll leave it up to you."

"I want to go home with you" Paul winked.

"Can we talk seriously about something?" Jay questioned. "I mean this weekend was perfect, but I'm gay and you're straight... and this scares me."

Paul looked seriously at Jay. " I'm definitely not 100% straight, at least not anymore" he winked at Jay. 'There's no guarantee I'm anything anymore. You're my first. But, if we commit to it working, it will. Maybe I'm unsure where my sexuality lies, but I'm not questioning where my heart does.

-

The rest of the drive was quiet. A lot was already said, and Jay really wanted to enjoy the last of the fading weekend. He now regretted telling Paul anything. He felt like he tore apart what could've been a great relationship when he dropped that shit show on him. However, right now, he was doing his best to shove that down. Maybe he was overthinking things.

They pulled in to the parking garage at Jay's building. "Park in space 11, that's mine" Jay instructed. The guys grabbed their bags and headed upstairs.

"Instead of cooking, how do you feel about pizza?" Jay asked.

"I'll never turn down pizza" Paul enthused. "I'm starving."

Jay called in the order for two pizzas. This place wasn't the closest, but the pizzas were the best. It'd be about 45 minutes.

"Make yourself comfortable "Jay suggested. "I'm just going to clean up before the food gets here." Jay looked in the mirror and caught himself smiling. Even with everything he said, this weekend was one of the happiest he's felt in years.

Jay turned on the shower, adjusted the water temperature, and stepped in. He took some time to enjoy the warm water cascading over his body. He was sore, he was tired - physically and mentally- and still kicking himself for dumping on Paul. He couldn't wash off the coating of shame that was his past, but the fun he had this weekend left him with a feeling of hope. He dried himself, wrapping the towel around his waist, and came out to talk to Paul.

"Shower is free if you'd like to use it" Jay offered

Paul turned around, shocked when he saw Jay in only a towel. "Is it terrible to tell you how horny you're making me right now?"

Jay blushed, it'd been a long time since anyone talked to him like that.

"No, that's not terrible, feel free to tell me" Jay laughed

Paul winked at Jay "you're making me horny... let's see what we can do to about that"

He rushed over grabbing Jay, lifting him off the ground in a full hug, placing a big kiss on his lips. Paul carried Jay to the bedroom, allowing the towel to drop on floor. He gently placed Jay on the bed.

"Please don't move", Paul pleaded "let me get these clothes off."

Paul undressed quickly, fully hard before he could even remove his jeans. In the few seconds it took him to strip, he turned around to find Jay waiting for him erect and ready. Paul made silly cat-like motions, a wild animal stalking it's prey, eliciting a chuckle from Jay. Paul jumped on the bed, nuzzling his face between Jay's thighs. He opened his mouth wide - knowing he'd need to if he was going to accommodate Jay - and swallowed him down in one gulp. At least Paul imagined it would be that easy. He gagged unmercifully, pulling off immediately leaving strands of spit connecting Jay's cock to his mouth. Jay laughed to himself, Paul's enthusiasm more than made up for his lack of experience.

"I'm sorry, let me try that again." Paul said, embarrassed

Jay gripped Paul's face, pulling it up so their eyes met.

"You don't have to do that sweetie, I promise" Jay reassured Paul

Paul looked disappointed "I really want you to be happy with me" He stopped for a moment "wait, did you just call me sweetie?" he asked."

"Yeah, I'm sorry.. I'm really sorry, it just slipped out. I'll be more careful."

Paul wrapped his arms around Jay's waist, resting his face on his still hard dick.

"I don't think anyone has ever called me that before, you know... sweetie, not even my own Mother. I love it." Paul was genuinely happy.

Paul started paying attention to Jay's cock again. He took it in his mouth, this time going slower. He loved the things Jay did to him and wanted to repeat them. He took as much of Jay as he could, going down slowly before he came quickly back up. A couple slow dives, a couple quick ones, Paul was learning fast. Jay was moaning, complete overtaken by desire.

Paul looked at Jay "What do you like, what can I do for you?

Jay knew what he'd like, but worried how Paul would feel. Noticing the silence, Paul looked at Jay "C'mon, tell me what you'd like."

Instinctively, Jay said "I want you to fuck me." Even as he said it he wished he could take it back.

"If that's what you want, show me how" Paul answered seductively. He'd never had sex before, but obviously knew what to do...with a woman, but sex with a guy was unknown territory.

Paul and Jay laid on the bed face to face, kissing voraciously. Tongues darting in and out of each other's mouths, arms wrapped around each other.

"I'm going to fuck you now" Paul said cautiously but insistent.

A huge smile spread across Jay's face, it was literally the first time since before college he'd been fucked by anyone. It was going to be learning experience for them both.

"Here, we need to do a little warm up first, it's been a while." said Jay

Paul kissed Jay gently "We don't have to if you're not ready"

"I'm more than ready... it'll be with you" Jay said as he went in for a kiss "reach for my nightstand and open the doors at the bottom, pull out the big bottle of lube and the toy, I want you to fuck me first... before you fuck me."

Paul got what Jay asked for.

Jay got on all fours, dipping his back down leaving his toned ass sticking up in the air. "Ok, pump some lube in your hand and slather the dildo with it... like when we jacked off together. Take another pump and coat my asshole... take your fingers and slick me up inside." Jay instructed.

Paul was still rock hard, excited to please Jay. He slid two fingers in his ass and worked them in a circular motion, stretching Jay's entrance wider. He pulsed his fingers in and out.

Jay took the dildo and lined it up with his hole. "Alright, I'm going to get us started" he explained. He inserted the large, flesh colored toy into his ass slowly, using small but determined strokes. Jay panted and moaned, some in pain but most in pleasure, as he filled his ass. It took a minute or two, but Jay eventually had the large object fully inside. If that were Paul, he'd still be working more in.

"I want you to start fucking me" Jay said seductively. "Take the toy and fuck me with it." his tone more demanding this time

Paul had watched Jay, so he knew to start slowly. He used the toy the way he had used his fingers, a few long strokes in and out, followed by some shorter harder thrusts. Jay was moaning with pleasure this time, pushing his ass back against Paul and the toy, grinding on it, trying to keep the dildo hitting all the right places. Paul had reached around grabbing Jay's cock and was slowly jerking him off to the pace of fucking him.

"Oh my god, stop Paul, stop... stop. Pull it out slowly." Jay could barely speak, breathing quickly.

"Are you Ok? Did I hurt you?" Paul was concerned.

Jay reassured him "No, no, you had me so close. I don't want to cum until it's you"

The guys kissed for a few more minutes

"Ok, now you're going to lube your cock up really well and put more lube in my ass too. You're definitely bigger than that toy" Jay winked at Paul.

Jay rolled over on his back, lifting his legs in the air "I want to see your face when you're inside me."

Paul lubed his dick and reapplied lube in Jay's hole, kneeling closer, ready to penetrate him. He leaned over Jay and bent down to kiss him.

"Fuck me Paul" Jay demanded "I want your big dick."

Paul gently eased his way into Jay's asshole, entering as Jay grit his teeth, a grimace appeared on his face - Paul was quite a bit bigger than the dildo, especially in girth.

"Paul, you feel so fucking good inside me. Oh my god Paul, fuck me." Jay yelled. He didn't care if his neighbors heard. If they saw this man who was fucking him they'd applaud.

Paul threw his power into fucking Jay, wanting him to feel his long, thick cock go deep as he grazed his inside walls, making sure at least one stroke scraped a prime spot every time. Jay gripped the sheets as Paul pounded him, the sound of bodies slapping together filled the bedroom. Each time it felt like Jay might be sliding away, Paul grabbed his legs and pulled him closer, thrusting his cock deeper inside. When Jay thought he couldn't take anymore, Paul found a way to force more cock into him.

After especially hard thrusts, when Jay moaned too loudly or sounded pained, Paul would bend over to kiss him - making sure he was ok and felt safe. Assuring Jay felt safe and loved was a priority to Paul.

Jay had been jerking his dick during Paul's fucking. A few times it felt like his load was right there, ready to erupt, but he wasn't done with Paul. However, his cock was begging for release.

"Paul" Jay begged "make me cum. Please, I want to cum." his voice sounding strained and desperate

"Ok, sweetie, let's cum" Paul grinned. He went back to slowly fucking Jay, this time concentrating on how deep he went - amazed Jay could take all of him - making sure felt every inch of his long, thick cock was inside.

Paul was ready now too. He slid his dick out of Jay's ass, gave it a few strokes, and blasted an enormous cum load that sprayed over Jay's body to his face. Paul leaned down for a kiss just as Jay came, the milky white cream splashing across Paul's face before landing on his chest too. Their loads mixed together into a warm, creamy glaze. The men exchanged kisses mixing there tongues, saliva and Jay's spunk in a delicious drink.

"No fair" Paul laughed, when he saw how much cum covered Jay was, he mockingly pouted " share with me". Jay ran his hand over his chest, took a large scoop of jizz, and wiped it over Paul's lips.

Both guys laughed, collapsing into a heap on Jay's bed.

-

After showering Jay realized they never ate. "Shit, the pizzas..." he thought to himself.

Jay called the shop, finding out the delivery guy had left the pies outside the front door. There, with the pizzas, was a note "sounded like you were having fun, didn't want to interrupt, enjoy." Jay blushed, wondering just how loud they'd been. Note to self, Jay thought, large tip for delivery driver.

"Pizzas are here when you're ready" Jay yelled to Paul, who was showering.

Paul yelled back "Thanks sweetie, be right there."

Was this real or just a dream? He had a gorgeous man in the shower who just called him sweetie. Jason never would have believed it.

So, do you think the office will be opening tomorrow?" Paul asked

Jay pictured how nice it would be to have another day alone with Paul, selfishly wanting to keep him all to himself.

'I'll give Andy a quick call" Jay replied.

He checked in with Andy, secretly hoping the owner would like another snow day too, walking around the apartment while they talked.

Paul cleaned up the kitchen waiting for word about tomorrow. He tried to focus, constantly finding his mind traveling - in one way or another - to Jay. He felt happy to have him in his life. When he pictured settling down - with whoever, whenever - he never expected it to possibly be a guy, but here he was. In Paul's mind he was planning a future with Jay.

Jay joined Paul in the Kitchen "So, Andy would like the office to open tomorrow. We're caught up, but he thinks there's still plenty of work to be done. We have an office text chain so he'll spread the word."

"That's disappointing " Paul lamented "I was hoping for a little more us time."

Jay smiled "well, the weekend isn't over yet, so unless you'd like to leave? He chuckled to Paul

"No! No! Absolutely not!" Paul laughed "I'll take any time we can get!"

Jay was happy that Paul was so enthusiastic about spending more time together. He thought, in the back of his mind, Paul would be finished with him after this weekend. He found it hard to believe he was willingly staying.

"Let's go get your car while it's still early."

-

The guys dressed warmly, boots and heavy coats back on, hit the road for the drive downtown. They rounded the corner finding Paul's little black PT right where they left it. Jay and Paul grabbed the shovels from the office and put their backs into getting the small car out. Somehow it seemed easier this time, like the car was sick of sitting in the snow and pitched in to help as well.

"Dude, it's finally free." Paul fist bumped Jay. "Let's get this thing home and parked."

"Great idea" Jay encouraged Paul "I'll follow you in case you get stuck. Call your landlord and see where it's clear to park." Jay suggested.

Paul called the building's owner and was told the lot in the back was clear. Only thing left was getting back to Paul's place. The roads weren't great, but they were passable. Paul lead the way in the Cruiser and Jay followed in the Jeep. Took a little longer than his normal commute, but he was parked safely in no time.

The guys headed upstairs to Paul's place again. Opening the door Jay was once more struck by how sad Paul's place looked.

"Do you like your apartment?" Jay asked "it doesn't look like you even live here."

Paul leaned into Jay "can I tell you a secret? I know it's not special, but it's a roof over my head. Once you've been homeless you don't take that for granted.

Jay was shocked. He knew Paul had a rough life, but he never imagined he'd been homeless.

"What!? How!? Sorry, I mean can I ask about it? If that's ok" Jay felt embarrassed even wondering.

"First off, after everything I learned about you, there is nothing you can't ask me" he laughed. "I'm not ashamed... I'm not proud either, but it was what it was. My old man kicked me out when I was around 16 I guess. He thought I should still be working instead of dreaming about college. He never had any faith in me, so he figured if I had no place to live I'd be forced to work."

"That's cold" Jay said "sorry, I know he's your Father and all, but who does that to a teenager. What did you do?"

Paul continued "I lived with my sister for a little while, tryin to figure out what I should do. But she had a husband and two young kids at the time and there was no room - or money for that matter - for 5 people in a small one bedroom apartment. So, I couch surfed a little, until I used up all my favors, and then dropped onto the street. I couldn't go to a shelter... I was a minor." tears were welling up in his eyes "They'd have put me in foster care or juvie. So I just toughed it out." Paul was trying not to cry. "At least I kept up with school. I'd stay there as long as possible in the afternoon and come in as early as I could in the morning. A few of the teachers knew my situation, so they always made sure I was fed and had clean clothes. I still graduated no thanks to my family."

"Dammit, I made a life for myself" Paul more angry now, wiping his face "I don't need anyone. I grew up alone and I'll live my life making sure I never depend on anyone." Suddenly, Paul spun around to face Jay - panicked and scared, "Oh my god Jay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I didn't mean it like that..."

Jay leaned in to kiss Paul, forcing him to stop talking.

"Paul, it's ok, it's ok. Remember, you're talking to someone who shut the whole world out for years." Jay was trying to sooth him "I completely understand." Jay pulled Paul in for a tight, warm hug - wiping away his tears with his fingers.

"I just want to wash my face real quick, I'll be right back" Paul headed to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Jay wasn't sure, but he thought he heard Paul sobbing.

-

Jay felt bad for dredging up Paul's old memories. He, of all people, knows how painful that can be. Jay wanted to do something special for Paul. He wished he could whisk him off to Florida, a place he clearly loved, but that wasn't possible right now.

Just then, Jay had a thought. The Gators! Paul played on the team in college, maybe he could find a bar playing a Gators game tonight. They could have a few beers, talk some more - maybe Jay might learn a little about football, too.

Jay called Ian, hoping he'd have a clue where to go.

"I'm looking for a bar..." Jay started, but Ian cut him off "aren't we all." Both laughing.

"You're hilarious" Jay deadpanned. "Seriously, I'm looking for a place that might be playing a Gators game. A bar that plays college football."

"But you hate football" Ian reminded him

"I do" Jay confessed" but Paul loves it. I want to do something special for him."

"Are you finally asking Paul out on a date?"

The way Ian said "date" made Jay feel uneasy. They weren't high school kids, they were men in their 20s. He didn't want Paul to feel uncomfortable.

"Well, that was the plan, but I don't know now, maybe he'll just think it's stupid... that I'm stupid." Jay was uneasy.

Ian knew Paul would love anything Jay planned for him

"Jason! Stop that! Don't let me ever hear you call yourself stupid again! You're an amazing man who I believe Paul has real feelings for." Ian continued talking Jay down from the ledge. "Plus, he's a straight guy who used to play football - college or pro, he'll love it."

Jay took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down.

"Now, let's see who's playing today." Ian did a quick online search excited with the news "Score! Gators game on today!"

Jay always felt better talking to Ian, he never steered him wrong. Jay knew Ian would always be the one that got away.

"Thanks for your help, I appreciate it." Jay said honestly. 'Hey, would it be weird if I asked you to come along for a little bit - until I felt comfortable?"

"You want me to come along on your date?" Ian asked laughing "Seriously?" He did think it sounded like fun though. "How about 1 beer and when you tell me your ready for alone time I'm out?"