Idolatria

Job 23:14-15

That one single day had felt like a week. And a week later, I still felt like I was recovering from it all. Even if the "change" hadn't quite hit me the night that I slept in Levi's bed again, there was definitely something different about me when I left the next morning.

It took me a while to realize what it was: a strange, relieving sense of freedom.

I'd given Levi everything I was afraid of losing to him. My affection, my trust, my submission and my body. And knowing that was like releasing a breath I'd been holding since the moment I'd met him.

Which was fortunate timing, because I already had enough stress piled on me from before he showed up.

The beginning of May meant focusing on exams and papers, the last I'd ever have before my graduation that summer. So weekdays were consumed with classes, studying, and writing. And my weekends were consumed with exhibition matches, as well as practice in the mornings before class. As much as I wanted to devote more time to being with Levi, there weren't enough hours in the day.

But I actually did end up inviting Janina over to my place one afternoon so we could study together, at my mom's insistence. I wasn't brave enough to try it with Levi yet. Janina had been reticent at my offer, but I assured her it was not only my parents' idea, but that we wouldn't be going in my bedroom. Not that it mattered to me. I couldn't imagine myself ever coming onto her, regardless of whether I was already seeing Levi or not.

I sighed and sank down on the couch opposite her, spinning my pen in one hand. "Gotta be honest," I said sullenly, "I don't really get the point of including an essay portion on the exam when we're already handing in thesis papers in the same week."

"It's supposed to test your critical thinking with little preparation," said Janina, frowning at the sample page she'd been poring over. "Well... probably."

"Y'know, weirdly enough, I'm better at that kind than taking weeks to write a paper."

"Really?

How?"

"I dunno... When you leave me with a paper for too long, I rethink everything too much and take half my time rewriting."

"I guess everyone has their skills." She crossed one leg over the other and swept her hair back over one shoulder, only briefly glancing at me over her papers. After a moment, she giggled and put a hand over her mouth.

"What?" I asked.

"Sorry... this is weird," she admitted. "I never go to guys' houses. I'm crazy nervous for some reason."

"We're not totally alone, I swear," I assured her with a wry smile. "If anything funny happened, my mom would be out here in a hot second."

"Oh, gosh. Ash, I didn't seriously think you'd do anything, that's not what I --"

"I know. I'm just saying you can relax."

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Janina was very pink in the face after that. I cleared my throat and tried to go back to my notes. Between the books on the coffee table, our laptops, and the papers we had between us, I didn't understand how we'd ever managed to get this far in this class.

I found my gaze drifting over to the cell phone resting on the arm of the couch beside me. It hadn't made any noise all day. Just to be sure, I picked it up and flicked it open, briefly scanning for notifications before giving up and putting it down.

"What's up?" asked Janina.

"Huh?" I glanced from her to the phone and back. "Sorry... I'm waiting for someone to text me back."

That was all I could say. Truthfully, I'd sent Levi two messages earlier that morning and he still hadn't responded. I was starting to worry, if only a little.

Although... I could only imagine him in his workspace with those headphones on, completely unaware of his phone buzzing. Probably the likely answer.

"Who are you talking to?"

"Uh --"

"He's texting his

booooy

-friend."

The accusation almost froze me. Daniel came strolling out of his room with his hands in the pockets of his tattered black hoodie, smirking at me. I noticed he'd increased the amount of black eyeliner he was smearing on lately.

"Not funny, Dan," I sighed.

"Mom said you slept over that guy Levi's house," Dan went on. "Didn't you go on a date with him last week?"

"Dan,

stop.

I'm serious."

"I didn't hear you say no," he said, singsong.

"Grow up," I snapped. I looked over at Janina, who looked very confused... and, strangely, almost hurt. "Will you give me a second?" I asked her, getting to my feet.

Dan protested the whole way I dragged him by the back of his hood into the hallway. When we were out of earshot of Janina, I grabbed him by the shoulders, gritting my teeth to keep my calm. "Stop saying that kind of shit in front of my friends," I hissed. "You didn't tell Mom something like that, did you? She'll have a heart attack."

"No," he said smugly. "It's just a joke."

"I told you, it's not funny!"

"He's

gay, though, isn't he?"

"Who?"

"Your buddy Levi. I saw a guy hanging out with him outside his apartment, by the bondage store -- that's where he lives, right?"

"I thought I said not to go near that place!" But he'd said enough to force me to ask. "When was that? What guy?"

Dan was grinning again. "Why do you care?"

"Fine. Don't tell me. But stop talking about him, and leave Janina alone. She doesn't need to be thinking weird crap about me, okay?"

"I guess."

"Daniel!"

"All

right

, all right!" he spat. "Let go of me already, will ya?"

He shook me off and stormed into his room, slamming the door behind him.

My heart was going crazy in the aftermath. I hadn't considered the fact that my nosy kid brother could ruin everything for me. It was absolutely none of his business what either Levi or I did, separately or together.

There was a part of me that wanted to just talk to Janina about him. But... it had been difficult enough telling Marc, and I just barely missed him ditching me over it. Janina, who was more conservative, might not be understanding or forgiving at all.

The idea of that really upset me. For a wild moment, I wondered why I was even hanging out with people who wouldn't accept me for who I loved.

And then what Dan had said interrupted this. Was he talking out his ass to get a rise out of me, or had he really seen someone with Levi? Who? His trainer, maybe? Probably just a friend.

Or... was it something I should actually be worried about?

‡

I'd left that evening open in case I got the chance to visit Levi, and after Janina had gone home, I still hadn't heard anything from him. I found myself still worrying about the conversation earlier while I drove over, as if I'd see this mystery person making out with Levi in front of the store when I got there.

Dan's full of shit. He didn't see anything. Even if he did, it doesn't mean anything. Doesn't matter. Levi's allowed to talk to guy friends. I'm not gonna be some jealous bitch over nothing. It's nothing.

Parked in front of the store, I took a long, deep breath and pulled my collar out of the bag I now took with me to Levi's every time I went -- packed with a change of clothes so I could stop borrowing his. With the leather band back around my throat, I was starting to calm down. I noticed it was starting to soften up and reshape itself the more I wore it, like breaking in a pair of sneakers. It was pretty comfortable by now.

I was still holding the collar of my shirt up over the thing when I got out of the car, though. Just until I made it across the street. It was still bright out. As I glanced each way down the empty street, I realized I wasn't the only vehicle parked nearby. A little ways away, there was a bright crimson sports car, extremely low to the ground and very clean.

One of Levi's customers? It sure didn't belong to anyone I knew in town.

I was getting a bad feeling.

The sign on the Tannery was set to 'open'. Hand inches from the door, I thought I could hear Levi's voice inside, though once again, the numerous stickers and signs in the window blocked the inside view. I inhaled sharply and pushed the door open.

"... no way I'm comfortable going unless there's an absolute

guarantee

he won't be --" When the bell rang over the door, Levi immediately stopped talking and looked at me in surprise... And just as quickly, a faint flush of red tinged the bridge of his nose. "Ash," he said. "I didn't know you were..."

"I, um... I tried texting you," I shrugged apologetically.

Startled, he groped for his pockets -- in his jeans, and in the black denim vest he was wearing over his tee. He groaned and let his head fall back. "I left it upstairs again."

"Is

that

why I had to call the shop? Huh."

I jumped at the sound of the other voice. It belonged to the person standing opposite Levi, leaning her hands back on the glass countertop. A woman, very slender, with barely any chest, but a mature face with shockingly red-painted lips. Her deep auburn hair was pulled back into a high ponytail, dressed in long trousers and stiletto heels with a wine-red blazer. And at that moment, she was looking at me like she'd just been presented with a kitten in a basket.

"Did you call this guy

Ash

just now?" she said silkily.

Levi was suddenly flustered. "Cass, don't..."

"Come on, you know I'm not gonna do anything to him," she wheedled. "Just let me look."

Levi crossed his arms and exhaled slowly through his nose, meeting my eyes as I stared back at him in confusion. "Ash, come here."

I did, after a moment's delay in which I looked from the woman back to him, feeling like I'd just stepped into the wrong building.

"This is Cass," said Levi, a note of faint reluctance in his voice. "She's a really close friend of mine, and a fellow Dominant."

"Oh... It's nice to m--"

"When you speak to her," Levi interrupted me, "I'd like you to call her by her 'title'. To you, she's Miss Red or Lady Red. Understood?"

"You're being so strict with him already," Miss Red simpered, taking no time in bouncing the few steps between us and clasping my face in her small hands. Even with the heels on, she was a few inches shorter than me. Her large, dark eyes bore into mine, almost shining. "Oh, god. You are

exactly

like Lee said you were," she squealed, her voice hushed as she turned my face from side to side. "No wonder he was obsessed! If

I

saw you biting your lip in a church pew, I'd wanna rail you, too."

"Cass,"

Levi groaned.

I had no time to process what she'd just said. Having had her fill of my appearance, she turned her attention to the collar around my neck, fingering the ring carefully. "This is your work, isn't it? Well, of course it is. Oh, the color goes so well with his complexion. I'm jealous, Lee, seriously. You've got to send me photos of him."

I stammered and looked at Levi helplessly, feeling my face going very red. Immediately sensing my cry for help, he stepped in, taking Miss Red by the shoulder.

"He's overwhelmed," Levi said gently. "Why don't we give him a chance to breathe, okay? Ash, come."

Miss Red pouted, but she let me escape to Levi's side, where he pulled me rather possessively against his hip and laid his hand against the back pocket of my jeans.

"I-I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"Don't be," said Levi. "You're allowed to decide what you're comfortable and uncomfortable with."

"I wasn't trying to make him uncomfortable," complained Miss Red.

"He's new to this. Go easy on him." Levi was sullen, but I thought he might be more embarrassed about all this than I was.

"Well," she smiled, rocking on one heel, "Why don't you get him more exposure, then? He'd probably love going to the munch with --"

"Absolutely not," he said bitterly.

"Come on. I know a bunch of the group would love to see you again."

"What's a munch?" I asked Levi.

He sighed, eyes fluttering, and gestured to Miss Red. "Tell him."

Her eyes gleamed like a cat's. "It's nothing huge," she told me. "'Munch' is slang for an informal meetup for people practicing or interested in BDSM. Levi and I are involved in a regional group for the Delaware Valley area. We usually meet in private rooms in bars or restaurants around Philly."

"You -- you're doing bondage and stuff in a restaurant?"

She laughed. "No. That's for play parties; they're more private, usually at someone's home or a club. A munch is just a hangout. You meet people, you chill, you drink if you want. And every single one of Levi's friends has been trying to get him to come back to one for the past

two years,

" she added accusingly to Levi.

"Wulf doesn't go to them," he replied stiffly.

"

Wulf

is too busy organizing the play parties," Miss Red countered. "Which you also haven't been to. And he lets his boys come sometimes. And do I have to remind you, once again,

who else

is not coming to these meetups?"

It was hard to follow this. "Who... um... Is Wulf one of your friends, too?"

"Sir

Wulf," said Levi. "He's my mentor."

"Why do you bother teaching your boy the etiquette if you're never going to bring him out with you?" she prodded him. "See, to me, that says you'd love to come show him off."

"Not if it risks seeing

him

again."

"Lee, he isn't

coming!

He will not

be there."

"Is he not coming because he's banned or because I'm not there?" Levi snapped.

Miss Red threw up her hands. "I don't know, who cares? Bitch didn't RSVP for this one."

"Neither did I."

"I guarantee they'll make an exception for you."

"I -- um -- should I ask--" I started, but Levi cut me off.

"Don't ask about him. Don't YOU answer him, either," he shot at Red. "I've already told him I don't want to talk about that, and you bringing it up like this is blatantly fucking up boundaries I'm trying to put down for myself, so will you just

stop?"

"Levi -- you're hurting me..."

At the realization, Levi immediately loosened his bared nails from my waist, abjectly straightening my shirt. He took his arm back from around me and crossed them over his chest with a sigh.

"Sorry," he muttered. "Just... Stop trying to make me go. Please."

Miss Red pursed her lips, plunging her hands into the pockets of her trousers. "Lee... He acts the way he does because he believes he still has power over you," she said haughtily. "For the love of god, stop proving him

right."

Levi lifted his face to her abruptly, in such a way that his hair fell over the side of his face that I could see... But whatever look he was giving her, she was seemingly unfazed by it, instead strolling over and peering into the lit glass display behind her.

"Oooh... You didn't put this one on your site! I

need

it. Ring me up, please!"

The thing she was so excited about turned out to be another one of Levi's more elaborate, artsy pieces - as he explained it, a chest harness and collar with a metallic scale pattern in pale teals, blues, and pinks. "Mermaid harness", he called it, and when he told her the price, she scoffed and fished out her wallet while I reeled from the number he'd quoted.

When the bell rang in the wake of her departure, I stuck my hands in my pockets, avoiding Levi's icy gaze the way he avoided me. He was quiet, leaning his splayed hands on the glass countertop as if he intended to break it.

"Sorry," I mumbled, unsure what else to say. "Did she really upset you that much?"

He breathed out slowly, lowering his head. "She didn't mean to."

"I can't tell if you're... angry or not."

"I am. A bit. Not at you. Not at her, either."

"Is... Is there something I can do?"

"... You can get upstairs, strip, and wait in bed on your knees."

I laughed weakly, then caught Levi's darkened eye. "Oh -- you were serious."

‡

By the time Levi had finished closing the Tannery early, I was, as he'd commanded, kneeling in his bed, naked save for my collar and pendant. When he came upstairs, he came as far as the bedroom door, discarded his vest and shirt, and leaned against the doorway to look at me.

"Cuffs and carabiners," he said shortly. "One pair each. Find them and get them on."

He left me with that and went off towards the bathroom. The anxiety of all this was almost painful. I was starkly reminded of the night I came back, almost a month ago now. But that time was different... It was something I'd actually done that made him angry, or at least upset. Now, I just wished he could tell me why the smallest suggestion of -- was it an ex? -- could infuriate him like this.

I knew where everything was. Levi hadn't bothered to tell me because he knew that. I got a good look in the far right drawer for the first time, where Levi's personal stash of restraints and play collars lay in a well-organized assortment. I picked out the pair he'd given me ages ago, the burnished brown ones that closely matched my collar. I'd never actually put them on by myself, though, and it proved to be a little bit of a trick. It was easier to tell on my own wrists whether the band was too tight, at least. The carabiners I found in the middle drawer, with a host of metal accoutrements in separate canvas boxes -- probably to keep the noise and mess to a minimum.

Levi returned just after I'd finished getting ready, but he barely glanced at my restraints. Instead, he strode around to the other side of the bed and pulled out a drawer I hadn't noticed before -- this one way longer, and full of things that sounded quite heavy. He retrieved what looked like a metal pole and kicked the drawer back where it was, sitting on the side of the bed and beckoning me with the flick of a finger.

He took my wrists before I'd settled down and examined them, pushing his fingers under the leather bands to check the fit, then set the steel bar down heavily in front of me, horizontally across the bed. It wasn't totally straight. There were all these rings and loops fixed along the length of it, plus a large clip at each end.

"You haven't told me what we're doing," I said nervously.

"I'm collecting on that punishment you owe me," he replied smoothly, "for shoving my head down when you came in my mouth."

"I -- uhm, I thought you were playing when you said that," I said, my cheeks burning at the memory.

"I was. Partly. But I don't like hitting you for no reason." Without looking me in the face, Levi set to work affixing my cuffs to each very far end of the bar, then paused in apparent thought. "Fuck. I needed three."

"Three what?"

"Carabiners." He stalked to the other side and snagged one out of the drawer, throwing it back under with a clatter and sitting back down on my left. He seized the ring of my collar and roughly turned it around to the back of my neck, so that the buckle was in front, then clipped the third carabiner behind me.

"What's the pole for?" I asked -- not that I had to. I found out before I'd even finished speaking.

Levi hoisted the whole assembly up over my head and rested it against my shoulders, bringing my hands with it, my arms spread far apart by the cuffs. I heard the click of the carabiner behind my head before Levi let go.

Immediately, I lost my balance and instinctively tried to put my hands out to steady myself. But, predictably, what Levi had just done rendered me awkward and helpless in a bizarre way, and instead I ended up sprawling on my front with the bar pinning my arms back parallel with my shoulders.

"That's a spreader bar," Levi said calmly, standing up from the bed. "Say hello."

"Hello, spreader bar," I mumbled, muffled by the sheets against my face.

"They're usually a bit more adjustable," he went on, voice drifting behind me. "I had this one made for this size of bed. A few others, too, but this will do fine."

As I struggled to get myself up, apparently impossible in this position, Levi seized me around my waist and dragged me back, then up onto my knees with my face still stuck in the sheets -- not for long, though. As soon as my legs were repositioned, he reached over me and grabbed the spreader bar, lifting it and my upper half together before shoving it into place against the posts at the lower corners of the bed. Although it was hard to see, I could hear the heavy clicking as each end was fastened to the metal rings bolted halfway up the bed frame. And when Levi let go, I found myself suspended by my arms and neck over the foot of the bed, with my knees resting on the leatherbound ottoman Levi kept there. On all fours, without the support of my front, as it were.