Idolatria

Matthew 5:30

I hadn't realized how much the whole thing had taken out of me until Levi took away my bonds and let me rest. It was like my body had pulled energy from everywhere it could to spend me in Levi's hand. And... all over my shirt.

I was beyond embarrassed, but Levi was casual as he helped me strip and used the garment to clean me off. After he'd thrown it in the hamper by his closet, he slid the door open and busied himself there.

"Levi... I kinda need that to go home," I said lamely.

"Well, I'm assuming you don't want to go back to your house with cum and lube down your front," he said. He pulled something out of the closet and tossed it to me. "Here. That'll get you home."

I looked at the shirt he'd given me - pale blue, soft, crew-necked. I pulled it on and felt the fabric fall loose around my chest. Levi was a size bigger than me, it seemed.

"I'll wash yours this weekend," he told me. "Trade back next time."

I sighed and sat cross-legged on the covers, fatigue still lingering in my muscles. Levi slid himself to my side and paused to redo his ponytail, and I found myself fascinated with the blind, practiced movements of his hands gathering and tying his hair back. With it out of his face, he turned his attention to me.

"Let me see your hands."

I blinked and held them out. "What for?"

In place of an answer, Levi took my hands in his own and turned them over, thumbing my wrists carefully, brow furrowed as he examined me. "Checking."

"I'm... You didn't hurt me."

He smiled. "Still my job to make sure. Tilt your head back."

I obeyed. It was a strange feeling, looking up at the bars that made up the canopy of Levi's bed... He woke up to see this surrounding him every day and didn't think it was weird. My eyes began to laze close as he moved his hands gently around my throat, until his fingertips came to rest at a spot at the front, strangely hot at his touch...

"Does that hurt?" he asked.

"No," I said. "It's just kinda warm. Why?"

"It's a little red. Think the edge was rubbing your skin too much."

My head snapped up and I clamped a hand to my neck. "Wait - did it leave a

mark?"

"It's fine," Levi assured me calmly. "Just a little irritated. It doesn't feel raw... Should fade soon." His hand brushed my cheek, thumb tracing my bottom lip.

I breathed out and let my head sag against him. "I'm just... worried about anything showing."

Levi shook his head and let his hand join mine in my lap. "Ash, I understand the position you're in. I already took that into account. I don't intend to mark you anywhere outside where your clothes will easily hide."

This made my cheeks flare up again. "So do you... are you planning to mark me where they

will

hide it?" I asked cautiously.

"Not if you don't want that."

"I feel like that's your default answer for everything."

"Look at that. We've hit the base of consensual BDSM."

I grinned and shouldered him. But something else was on my mind now that he'd brought it up. "Um... Wait, do you need..."

"Mhm?"

"Well..." I was inexplicably flustered trying to get the words out. Why? Fuck, I'd just been pleading for release in his hands minutes ago. "Do you need me to... for you...?"

"Do I need you to get me off?" he supplied.

I lowered my reddening face.

Levi laughed. "No. I'm fine. I meant it when I said I was happy just watching you. You've done enough to please me."

And that just made me blush harder.

Levi shifted back and sat up against the headboard. "Get comfy," he said. "Let's chat."

I turned in my spot and recrossed my legs under me. I suddenly felt nervous at his words. "Did I... do something wrong?"

"No," he replied. "You and I have never played a proper scene before, and we should discuss how it went. This should have been part of your aftercare the last time I bound you."

"That was 'playing a scene'? Like in a movie?"

"A bit. Outside of what happens between us, you are

Ash

, and you'll always be Ash," he said. "And I'm just Levi. Dominant and submissive are roles that we assume, and a scene is where we often fall the deepest into those roles. Once the scene is over, it's important to make sure you can climb back out. Back into 'Ash'."

"Oh... so... I'm only your

submissive

when it's like that? During a scene?" I asked.

Levi's smile remained, but his eyes seemed to darken just a shade. "For now, that's how it is."

My heart fluttered. I pushed past this line of thought. "So... What should we discuss?"

Levi sighed and lifted a hand to the ring on the bedpost behind him, toying with it as his eyes drifted to the ceiling. "What felt good for you there?"

I smirked weakly at him. "Is it cheating to say everything?"

"Well, I'll be more specific," he said. "But it's good to know that having your hands bound doesn't make you panic. I was concerned it could be a trigger for you."

"N... no. I liked it."

"Good. But there was a moment where you were shaking."

"Was I?"

"Yes. When I was... for lack of a better word,

monologuing,

" he told me sardonically.

Was I really shaking? I tried to think back, then remembered. "Oh! Yeah, you held my hand when... Yeah. I was."

"Yes," Levi nodded. "Were you afraid of me?"

I stared at him incredulously. "No."

"You're allowed to be honest, Ash."

"I am. I wasn't scared. What you were saying was..." I ran both hands through my hair, trying to string my thoughts together. "It... it was hot."

Levi breathed out a laugh. "You need to stop being so easy to please."

I grinned. "Do you expect me to not be turned on by your villain monologues about ways you want to tie me up?"

"Oh, no," he purred. He heaved himself up onto his knees and and crawled to me, hands in my lap, lips tempting mine. "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to

die."

"Oh, god, you

suck

-"

But Levi swallowed my playful complaint as he pressed his mouth hard over mine. I lost my balance and brought us both back down to the sheets, and he pinned my hands with his own, fed me his tongue, invited mine to his mouth in turn, sucked and bit and forced the heat of his kiss down into my chest, my stomach, my hips... When we broke apart, he stayed sprawled over my body, arms holding him up as I lay panting beneath him.

"Sweet, eager boy," he smiled. "You're already hard for me again."

I choked out a laugh. "C'mon, after that - have to be dead to not..."

I trailed off as his lips met mine again, gentle and soft this time. He freed my hands to bring his own around my face, and I wrapped my arms around his back... Naked skin, warm and smooth, furrowing along his spine, shoulders flexing incrementally as he breathed...

"Hey... Levi," I mumbled.

"Mm?"

I felt my pulse in my throat as he drew back for a moment, fleeting urge driving my words. "What if I...

asked

you to... mark me?"

Levi's face stayed stoic, but I thought I saw something flicker to life in his eyes. "Under your clothes?" he said quietly.

"Y... Yeah."

"Where?"

"Anywhere... wherever you want. Just - just not cutting or biting or -"

"I wouldn't hurt you, Ash." But he pushed my shirt - his shirt - up over my stomach and tugged the waistband of my jeans down slightly, shifting back to straddle my knees. I watched his gaze explore my body, heart thudding in my mouth... At last, he ran his fingers over a spot just inside the line of my hip. "Here."

I nodded breathlessly.

Levi moved again, prostrating himself over me so he could lower his face to my hip, treasure the skin there with his hands... He met my eyes as I sat up to watch him. "Just be still," he told me.

I wasn't exactly sure what he meant to do... He'd said he wasn't going to bite. Levi nuzzled his mouth against the spot he'd targeted, and I watched as his lips pressed against my flesh...

It was an incredibly strange sensation. There was a sharp, muted pain at the center point beneath his mouth, but not sharp enough to be a bite, nor painful enough to actually trouble me. More pinching, pulling...

sucking

. A tremor licked my insides as I realized that Levi was sucking on my skin,

hard

, tongue and lips sealed against my lower belly, a hand stroking my other hip to relax me... It was a minute before he finally pulled away, and where his mouth had been, there was now a dark, violet-red bruise. My stomach turned.

"Like that?" he whispered.

I traced the mark, almost captivated. "It's... you gave me a hickey."

Levi laughed. "I hate that word so much," he admitted. "But I confess... I love making them." He kissed it between his fingers. "It'll fade. And your jeans should cover it fine."

I sat up when he did, borrowed shirt falling to hide the bruise he'd left. I drew myself into Levi's eyes again, warm and inviting and so calm...

"Yes?" he said.

I didn't know what I wanted to say. Instead, I reached out, wrapping my arms around his shoulders hesitantly... And I hugged him tight.

For a moment, he didn't move or react, just sat and let me embrace him with my chin tucked over his bare shoulder. My heart was beating so hard I was sure he could feel it against his chest... And I was suddenly afraid I'd gone too far. I didn't know why I'd wanted to hug him... But as I was about to let go and apologize, Levi wound his arms around me to return my affection. Left arm encircled my waist, right arm around my shoulder, fingers stroking my hair, the back of my neck, raising shivers in my bones... And then his hand moved around my nape, exploring around, under the collar of my shirt, like he was looking for something.

"Huh..."

"What?" I mumbled.

He pulled back slightly, brow knitted, and ran his hand over my chest. "I don't know how I didn't notice earlier," he mused.

I frowned. "Notice what?"

"Well, I'd... thought there was something different before. You're not wearing your necklace."

My shoulders tensed and I brought a hand automatically to my neck. "What... No, I'm always wearing -"

But there was nothing there.

"You don't think you lost it, do you?" he asked.

Cold panic was seeping into my gut. I replayed the morning in my head.

Wake up. Get dressed. Pack for class. Grab something for breakfast. Excitement. Going to see Levi. Coat on. Car.

"I forgot to put it on today," I said hollowly.

"Well, that's a relief, right? I'd hate for -"

"I... I need to go home."

I couldn't look at Levi's face. He was quiet for a moment. "All right," he said. "I'll help you get your stuff."

But I was up before he was. I pulled my sneakers on in a daze and walked out to find my jacket. I had it on before Levi could help.

"Ash... are you all right?" he asked.

I forced a smile and glanced back at him. "Fine. I just don't... My family will want me home for dinner, y'know?"

Levi didn't look convinced, but he said "Okay... Text me when you're home safe, will you?"

"I... sure."

As I put my hand on the door, Levi leaned over and brought my face back to his, kissed me -

Guilt. Guilt and shame. Flooding my stomach, ice cold in my chest, searching my veins, seizing my nerves -

"I'll see you later," said Levi.

"See - see you."

I barely remembered the ride home. I got into the house and called to my parents to tell them I was home, then immediately dashed to my room with blood pounding in my ears as I confirmed what I'd been dreading.

My necklace was still on its little peg by my desk.

I never forgot it.

I

NEVER

forgot it.

Hands trembling, I lifted it and clumsily fastened the chain around my neck, then clutched the cold silver pendant against my chest.

Never again. Never, ever again.

‡

I slept with the pendant on that night, and woke up the next day to find red marks around my neck and collarbone where the chain and cross had bit into my skin from lying on it. Somehow this didn't startle me as much as Levi's mark on my hip, unfaded - if anything, the color was deeper. I remembered looking at it with admiration when he'd made it... Now, it scared me. The saving grace was that my clothes did hide it as promised, and touching it didn't hurt at all. Whatever red mark Levi had left from the collar was gone.

That morning, I saw that Levi had texted me.

Hey. You never messaged me. I'm checking to see if you made it home ok.

Ash, are you ok? Tell me you got home.

Text me when you can.

The messages were all an hour apart, the last one sent at 1 AM. He'd been worried about me.

I'm fine. Just ended up busy when I got home,

I replied.

I ate breakfast. Went for a run. Came home and showered. Too long in the shower. My mind was empty, refusing to process thought. I didn't check my messages again until I was dressed.

Ash, you're hiding something again.

I'm not stupid. Please talk to me.

These were hours old by now. I replied hastily.

I'm fine

Checked my inbox again after I finished lunch and had gotten out my assignments for class.

You're a poor liar, Ash.

I knew something was wrong last night. Are you that upset about your necklace?

I'm here when you're ready to pull your head out of your ass and talk to me.

I stopped replying.

‡

I had hoped to find answers to the awful feelings in me over bible study that night. Our study topic - what scripture says about providing for family - didn't fit. So at the end, I hung back to help Jeff move the chairs and table back... To ask for help.

"So... I have a question about something." I tried to sound casual as I hefted the plastic and metal chairs into a stack against the wall, my shirt sticking to them with static.

Jeff had only managed to bring me two chairs to add to the stack before he got winded. Jeff wasn't old - color still slipped out through the gray at his temples, and his face was mostly unlined save for the creases across his forehead - but his protruding gut suggested his struggle with anything physical. He put his hands on his hips, catching his breath. "Okay. Shoot."

I leaned against the stack of chairs, fingering the chain at my neck. I began to speak, then trailed off... How could I talk about this without making Jeff suspect me? "I have a... friend at my college I'm really close to in class. And he's started hanging out with this guy."

Jeff looked slightly confused, but only said "Okay."

I was careful with my words. "And basically... The way he talks about this guy, I think he, like...

likes

him. Like the way you like a girl. And that should make me uncomfortable - no, it

does

make me uncomfortable. A little. More than a little. But I don't want to stop being his friend, and..." I swallowed and dropped my eyes. "And I'm afraid about what it means for him...

spiritually.

"

Jeff sighed through his teeth, crossing his arms. "And you're not sure what to do," he supplied.

I refused to look up. I was starting to regret asking. "What...

should

I do?"

The room was silent for a moment. Jeff rocked on his heel, brow knitted in thought. "That's tough," he said simply.

I said nothing.

Finally, he went on. "Well... your friend's struggle is between him and God," he said. "You can tell him how you feel, but he has to get through this by himself. All you can do is be there for him - you don't have to stop being friends! God teaches us to love the sinner, hate the sin. You can love your friend without supporting his sins."

I kept my head down and picked my bible up from where I'd left it, flicking the tabs mindlessly. "Yeah... Okay. Thanks, Jeff. I'll do that."

‡

Love the sinner. Hate the sin.

This was between me and God.

So was this part of the plan for my life? Make me fight to stay true to myself? Make me abstain from temptations that drew my body and heart from their purpose?

There was no allowance for this to be part of who I was. I couldn't find any in the pages of my bible, couldn't remember anything from my devotionals that helped or told me that it was okay for me to be like this. When I tried to look online for help, I only found more pages telling me that God would love me despite my sins, but never telling me that this meant I should go on sinning at all...

One promising site said that if God had made me gay, then that was the truth I had to live. This was who He had made me. But the deeper I looked into the colorful, friendly pages and testimonials, the more my stomach began to turn. If I was gay, then that was something I would live with... but never act on. The only solution was lifelong celibacy, and there were dozens of doubtful quotes from people who proclaimed the benefits of giving up all love entirely...

I almost threw my laptop after reading it all.

But this was getting in the way of my faith. I knew that. And all I knew was that I couldn't let that happen... I'd figure out what the fuck was wrong with me later.

‡

"I don't know how you do those ladder things over and over again... My knees and ankles are killing me."

It was a moment before I realized Janina was talking to me. I looked up from the butter knife I was fidgeting with in a daze. "Huh? Oh... I dunno. You just gotta..." But I couldn't think, and just trailed off.

True to my word, I'd driven over to the diner after morning practice to meet Janina and Marc. The place was busy, full of chattering voices and the clatter of plates. We'd snagged a corner booth with a curved seat, and now I was sitting between them, completely spaced out. I had spent all morning throwing myself into agility drills until my body was at its absolute limit. I was running at half-tank on sleep, and when my mind wasn't racing, it didn't shut up so much as shut down entirely.

"Ash!"

I looked up, this time at Marc. He was frowning at me in an almost reproachful way. "What's with you, man? Practice doesn't usually wipe you out

that

much."

I sighed and dropped my head down again, running my hands through my hair. "Sorry... I'm not sleeping that great."

"Well, get some coffee, man. Won't kill you," he said bracingly.

Next time the waitress came back around, I did. She came back with it pretty fast, and I took a minute to cream and sugar it to cut back on the jet fuel I knew this place served. Breakfast arrived as soon as I started drinking. After practice, I'm always starving, so I'd ordered my usual without a second thought - eggs over easy, homefries, rye toast, scrapple, bagel and cream cheese on the side... And now I wasn't sure I wanted it. I stuck to the coffee first.

"... Our first singles match is next Saturday," Janina was saying. "Against Glassboro State, right? I'd been thinking about doing doubles this year, but I don't have anyone I think I work with..."

Marc had assembled his plate into a sandwich and was chowing down. He swallowed and shrugged. "What about Ash?"

Janina began to stammer something out, but I spoke up. "Immaculata doesn't do mixed doubles," I said. "Just girls' and men's in the same bracket. Besides, I like singles."

Marc snorted. "Yeah, you wanna be like whatsisname - Fender -"

"Federer. And no, my idol's Nadal."

"Tomato, tomahto."

Janina tilted her head slightly as she watched me. "You're not eating?"

I opened my mouth, shut it, and picked up my fork hurriedly. "I'm - I'm eating, I'm just slow."

"Ash, there is

something

up," she said.

You're a poor liar.

"I'm just tired," I told her. "I... yeah, there's something on my mind, I'm working through it. Personal crap. It's nothing, I mean it."

"Man, you know the more secretive you are about shit, the more we worry about you?" Marc shook his head and took another bite, frowning as he chewed. "Hey, speaking of - how'd your study session with Levi go on Tuesday?"

God

dammit

, Marc. I sighed, trying not to sound exasperated. "Told you it's not bible study. We were just hanging out."