Looking back on those periods of my life. The self-described time of my exploration, the new desires, the things I liked, or what turned me on, may seem to the reader that somehow overnight I became a gay man. Someone who instantly came flying out of the closet. Some porn-addicted weirdo, who sat in mommy's basement jacking off three times a day. Or because after giving one blow job, I knew. And it wasn't that at all. In all reality, as much as I talk about the porn movies, the toys that were becoming involved, and the desires, it was far down the list of everyday activities. It was part of my change, part of the development, and things that opened new doors for me, but it wasn't the end-all of it. There's always way more to it than that.
Just like everyone else I had a life, I was working, and I had bills and responsibilities. I had friends that I hung out with. Parties to go to. Family to see. Girlfriends in the mix, albeit most were short term, but lovers nonetheless. I played in several bowling and dart leagues. And being in CA, where there is no winter, there are always things to do and places to go. So, the porn, the experimenting, the lust and passion was a "sexual escape" when I needed it, or when the right time arose. And I wouldn't have changed it for the world. The problem was, the more I watched, the more I discovered myself, and the more interests that came, the more I needed things to complement those activities. And truthfully as time went on, I wanted dick again. I wanted to know what it was like in a more, romantic, loving, sensual way. But I was still unattracted to regular men, and couldn't find that outlet. At least not yet.
During my alone time, my fingers and the brush handle were a conduit for those new passions and interests, but it wasn't real. It wasn't what I had created in my mind as the perfect play toy. The time had come! I had to put my fears aside, man up - if you will - and go buy a dildo. I wanted cock, and since I wasn't quite ready to change teams, I longed to know what it was like to hold, stroke, suck, and fuck something that looked like a dick. Like my dick, bigger than my dick, smaller than my dick even, but a dick nonetheless. And here's how it came about.
I was wandering through the porn store as I had on other occasions. I had thumbed through a few videos in the heterosexual section and made my way into the lesbian section, but I wasn't finding anything new or overly exciting that was ringing my bell. I turned the corner and found something new. I had inadvertently stumbled into the bi-sexual section. Except this bi-sexual section wasn't two women and a man. These videos were of two men and a woman. I felt weird holding the DVD cover and seeing the still photographs on the cover of the boys playing with each other, and the woman tagging along. But something inside of me felt compelled to buy it and watch it.
I found two videos I believed were soft enough, romantic enough, or even sexual enough to pique my interest, so along with a couple of lesbian videos I chose, I made my way to the counter. I felt extremely nervous, almost flushed, and red-faced as the clerk rang up the purchases. But after paying my money, and getting them placed in that black bag, I headed out the door. The next night when I was alone, my masturbation time started with one of the lesbian porns. It was good, and arousing, but as time went on with those, it all seemed like the same theme. Even though I was aroused by the sexual aspect of two women, it wasn't as exciting as it used to be. However, my mind kept thinking about those bi-male videos, so I got up and put one on.
The first scene that grabbed my attention was the two men at the beach, having a wonderful afternoon in the company of a female. After frolicking in the water, they went up the hill to a private area in the trees for a picnic, but food never came into the mix. Before long, every one of them was making out and when the one actor, pulled down the pants of the other actor and started sucking on his dick, I was affixed to the screen. The girl was involved, of course, she was sucking some dick too. But the boys were more involved and I couldn't keep my dick out of my hand. As odd as it was, I was fascinated by seeing one man blowing another, while the female was there for accompaniment.
I was hard as a rock and started thinking how liberating it would have been if one of my girlfriends and a man, we had an interest in, were shadowed in the woods after a day at the beach, all sucking each other off. The more I watched the dick-sucking going on, and eventual anal penetration from one man to the other, I was about ready to explode. I watched the entire movie. Each scene was different in ideas and locations. Still, in the end, all the men were sucking and fucking themselves, with the accompaniment of a female, who was just along for the ride (no pun intended) and I was shooting cum as fast as I could get it out. That began the breaking point. That's when I knew I needed something more life-like than a brush handle or my fingers and I needed more videos like this.
Sometime later I found myself in the same porn store in the same bi-sexual video section, looking at more DVDs like the ones I had bought. Thankfully I had gone in mid-afternoon, so the only other people inside were a younger couple looking around the area of what I would call the soft toy section. You know, the fury handcuffs, the suggestive card games, nipple clamps, etc. So, when they wandered away from that area, I nervously, and bashfully wandered into the dildo area. I was shocked by how many there were. All kinds of sizes, colors, shapes, lengths, and vibrating actions. I picked a few up, trying to compare the size to the brush handle. I was truly embarrassed as I stood and held different-sized dildos in my hands trying to figure out which one would be best for me.
I finally settled on the little, "realistic" 6-inch-sized dildo that had a little vibrating mode. Maybe you've seen that style with the little black base that unscrews at the bottom and can accommodate two AA batteries, which makes it vibrate. I walked up to the counter with my two Bi-Sexual porns and the plastic-cased dildo and set it on the counter. My heart was pounding. I could only imagine what the clerk thought, probably rambling in his head; here's the gay boy with his bi-porn and a dildo. I know my face was bright red and as uncomfortable as it was for me to buy it, I had to get it. I had to know. I was about to cross the line and there was no turning back.
Upon leaving the store, I was now in possession of a "dick" accompanied by two Bi-Sexual (almost Gay) porn movies with men sucking and fucking each other. I had, in all reality, taken the next step into bi-sexuality and I was about to embark on riding a "dick" versus a brush handle. It was mind-blowing and unrealistic to what I had known, beyond anything I would have thought I would have ever done.
That night after my anxiety-laced, butterfly-rumbling stomach had settled, I watched the first of the two videos I had acquired. This time as I lay naked in bed, the new, washed, battery-packed, shiny, realistic 6-inch cock, laid on the pillow next to me. I watched with great enthusiasm as each of the three actors, began their play. The scene that caught my attention the most was a dinner party theme, with two men and one guy's wife. After eating and conversing, when she got up to clean up the table, the two men started flirting and holding hands, eventually leaning over and kissing. Before long, one of them was standing over the other and the guy still seated was sucking on his friend's dick. I got hard immediately. It was like a secretive, sneaky, (when the wife is gone) gay barrage of sex and I was absolutely aroused.
As the scene progressed both of them sucked on each other's dick and were naked from the waist down. Just that little bit of taboo, no-ones watching, hidden lover opportunity, made me excited. Exactly like that moment in the garage with Chuck, doing something sexually dirty, somewhere we shouldn't have been doing it, secretly away from anyone's eyes. So, it felt relatable to me.
When the wife came back from the kitchen. She had caught the men fooling around, but instead of being mad, she was excited and stood watching them as they engaged more. Within minutes she started playing with her tits, and then her pussy as she watched them suck each other off. My mind was racing. As the scene developed, she stripped down completely naked and engaged with both men. Eventually sucking on both of their hard dicks, while they still maintained playing with one another, enjoying each other's dicks. Throughout she'd have her fun, got her pussy rammed by both men, but still let the men, suck and fuck each other too. And I wanted it.
I wanted to be one of those guys in the video, getting sucked off by him as my wife was riding my face. Flipping around to watch her suck his dick, while he was sucking mine. Or even better, sucking his cock, while she was riding my dick. A million thoughts came to mind, of how I would have played out the scene. But either way, I would have been in the grasp of sucking cock and eating pussy, and being fucked!
I edged the pillow holding the dildo down to the area along my side my own dick. I squirted a generous amount of lube in both hands and I started jacking off that dildo, as I was jacking myself off. I wanted to feel a hard cock in both hands and was visualizing I was lying here in bed with another man, jacking him off, as he was jacking me off watching porn. It was exciting, it was different and it was hot!
Thank God I lived alone and no one had keys to get into my apartment, because I could only imagine if someone - like a girlfriend or my parents, - would have let themselves into my unit and seen me naked in bed, stroking a dildo as I stroked myself off watching Bi-Sexual porn.
Each time my hand would slide up and down that dildo, I became more excited and more engrossed in it. I was watching my hand slide up and down in it as if I was stroking a real one. Feeling how hard it was, seeing the head pass into the palm of my hand and then down, where it was popping way out of my grasp. I was wanting it. Needing it. And I wanted to suck it.
I bent over at my waist and leaned down to the pillow it rested on and slid it deep into my mouth. It was all lubed up, slippery, and warm like a real cock would have been. I sucked on that dildo, imitating the men in the videos. I felt nice and hard like a real 6-inch cock would have been. I slid it in and out of my mouth taking every inch of it into my throat. The texture and detail, shape and length had been the closest thing to a real cock, since Chuck. And I was loving every second of sucking on it.
