Chapter 31 - Talk with Ashley
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"Nate?"
"Yes?"
"I am cold."
"Me too."
"Wait here."
I shifted and lay him down on the backseat, covering him with the blanket and stepping out of the car. So I could take our clothes and put them on the front seat while I sat back inside with Nate. He raised his head slightly, sitting up so I could have more space, and covered us both. I pulled him to me and hugged him close.
We sat there silently for another while. Everything seemed so slow today.
"You really hurt me, Richard."
"I know. I am sorry."
This was not the time to shift the blame between us. I was sure he knew that I was hurt as well. Yet I realized there is one thing unsaid between us. "Nathaniel?"
"Yes?" his voice was so weak.
"Please look at me."
He tilted his head to meet my eyes.
"I don't know what will happen after we leave this place. I feel like these weeks were filled with moments where I just tried to bear with it and enjoy it. When I kept saying to myself that I wanted to make it even if the next moment would break me. And I feel like we've reached that point."
Nate nuzzled against my shoulder. "I had those thoughts as well. I have had them since we slept together for the second time."
I nodded in understanding. "This will maybe make it all harder, but I need to tell you something."
He looked intently at me.
"I love you, Nathaniel."
Tears filled his eyes, and he buried his face in my shoulder. As if he was stuck in some dry sadness this whole time, and the dam broke upon hearing those words. I just held him.
"I love you too," he stammered.
"We should tell Ashley."
"Yes."
"What if she decides to cut you off?"
"We will deal with it together. I will not give up my child."
"Fuck... This better work out."
"Ashley is a kindhearted woman, Richard. I am sure we can work it out somehow. Even if it may take time."
"I meant the two of us."
Nate raised his head and looked at me intently. "No. Don't do that, Richard."
"What?"
"Richard, promise me two things from this point forward. One. You will never stay with me out of guilt. I don't want to feel that I am forcing you to be with me. I made a conscious decision, and I stand by it. Even if we'd be happy together only for a few weeks or months, I want that rather than living my life not knowing what we could have become."
I nodded and let him finish.
"And as I said before. Never again leave without a word like this again. Never! I am not saying you have to be caged with me, but tell me you are leaving and let me know you are all right."
I caressed his cheek and nodded. "I promise."
He kissed me, and we kissed for a long time. I missed his lips so much, his touch, him!
.
My phone started ringing, and I turned toward the pile of our clothes. I reached there and looked at the screen. Ben was calling. I looked at Nate, and he nodded.
"Hi, Ben."
"First. Are you all right?"
"Yes, just hungover. I've sent you a message, didn't I?"
"Yeah, I got that gibberish. There's something else. Are you with Nate?"
How did he know? I looked at Nathaniel. "Yes, why?"
"Ashley is here. She is waiting in your room. She wants to talk with the two of you."
"How does she know I am with Nate?"
"She said you called Nate in the morning, and he went after you."
"Right," I brushed my hair back, feeling anxious. "We will come soon."
"Rick, can you tell me what happened yesterday?"
"I will, Ben. I just need to deal with this first. Is that all right?"
"Sure. I will see you soon. Bye."
"Bye."
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Take a deep breath. We knew this was coming... I tried, but I felt like throwing up from nerves.
"Ashley is at Ben's?" Nate asked, surprised.
"Yeah, she wants to talk with us both."
"Do you think Jerry could have told her?"
"Jerry would never say anything to her on his own."
"Do you think she knows?"
"She told Ben I called you, and you went after me."
"Right... I sent her a message telling her that."
"We should go there."
"Yeah."
Slowly we got dressed, and Nate drove us to Ben's house.
.
Ben looked at Nate with a strange glare but invited us in.
"Ashley is upstairs in your room with Sheila and Pete."
"Thank you, Ben."
"Thank you."
Ben just nodded and left us. We went up holding hands, but as we reached the door, I could sense that we both shook. I kissed his palm and let go of his hand. Let's go slow.
I opened the door, and Sheila ran to me and then Nate. Peter was looking at us quizzically.
"Peter, would you mind if we talked with Ashley in private?"
"Sure. Come, Sheila, we can make some cupcakes."
"Thank you."
They left, and we stayed there looking at each other. I haven't even seen her in months. She looked different and tired but had this weird glow in her eyes.
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We stared at each other for a while. It was weird. I felt like running, running far! But I couldn't do that anymore. I knew there was now one thing I wanted to fight for.
"Can we all sit down?"
"I am fine like this, thank you," Ashley spoke coldly. "I am glad to see you are well. Peter and Sheila are amazing." She kept looking at me with a sad stern look.
"Yeah, they are great."
This was painful. I could see how uncomfortable this was for all of us. She looked at Nate and watched him for a little bit. "You look a bit better."
"Ashley..."
"Don't. Nate, just... don't."
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Does she really know? She turned to my bed and crossed her hands in front of her body, essentially hugging herself.
"I gave you that shirt two years ago. It was your favorite."
I didn't understand. I frowned. Then I realized she was looking at my pillow. Fuck...
Nate had this strange, sad smile as he was staring at it. Ashley just stood there motionless. So this was it. We got to the point where we needed to confront the real world.
"Are you together now?"
Nate nodded. "Yes."
"How long was this going on?" she asked quietly. She sounded weak.
Nate told her the truth about our workouts and his finding out my smell arouses him. He toned it down quite a bit, making himself the one who initiated it. I tried to step in and not leave the guilt solely on him, but it still didn't change the principal thing; it happened and was happening regularly behind her back. She listened to us without a word or even a movement. She just stood there and soaked it in.
.
"You want to stay with him?" She never looked at either of us. She just kept staring at that shirt.
"Yes."
She nodded, and Nate looked at her with a slight frown as if he needed to understand something.
"Since when did you know?"
I looked worried at him, but he wouldn't let his eyes off her.
"That night, Rick took you to the basement," she said after a while.
"Why haven't you told us?" Genius... sometimes I should just shut up.
She turned to me and pierced me with red, crying eyes. "Why haven't you told me?"
"We didn't know how to hurt you the least," Nate spoke gently.
She looked at him, hurt. "How generous."
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Still, there was one major thing I needed to know. I said things in that basement to Nathaniel that I never told a living soul. So I needed to know how much she heard!
"You saw me take Nate to the basement?"
She glanced at me. "I suppose I should have seen it sooner. I could hear you when you told him he could not lie while he was on the phone with me. And that whole call was weird, but I wouldn't think something could be happening between the two of you then, not even when he called you a pervert. I wouldn't have thought so. It was unthinkable for me."
Nate and I looked at each other with a guilty conscience.
She stepped to the window and wiped tears from her face.
"But..." she took a deep breath. "That night you stormed out after we talked about our parents, I felt awful. I called you, but you didn't answer. I supposed you didn't want to talk, but it was hard for me. I was worried I would drive you away again. So I took a mask, and I went up after you. I heard you sobbing, but you left the door open, and when I came to your door, I... I suppose neither of you thought I would leave the office. You were sobbing, holding Nate, and he was kissing you. Well, I suppose you know what you did." She shook her head.
I needed to sit down. The chair was too far; the bed was too close to her. So I just sat on the carpet, covered my face with the palm of my hand, and listened to her speak.
"I just stood there. I don't know if I was confused or shocked; I couldn't understand what was happening. I couldn't bring myself to ask you. You were so hurt, and Nate was comforting you... I don't even know how I felt. If I was even feeling something. I didn't understand anything..."
Ashley tilted her head, leaning on the window frame. "I went down and just laid on the couch, thinking... I don't know how long I sat there. I thought my whole life was going to end. What will be now? Does Nate want to be with you? What about our baby? I can't remember all the scenarios that went through my head back then. I don't know if I was ever so tired as then. I cried and must have fallen asleep because when I came to, it was dark, and I heard you two coming down. I could see you holding hands, leaning against each other, and you didn't even notice me sitting there."
I looked at Nate standing there, pale and sad. He looked like he wanted to come to her and comfort her but was worried about moving. I could see that despite everything, he does love her in his way.
"You went to the basement. I don't know why but after a little while, I went after you," she started shaking. "I am sorry, Richard, I never knew!"
So she probably heard it all...
"At some point, I was glad you could be there with Nate. I know how supportive he can be. Yet I felt so empty... What about me? I went back to my room and just stared at the ceiling. I wanted to tell you the next day, but every time I heard you two together, I saw the image of you in the basement, remembering the things you said, and I couldn't bear to speak. And then you brought Jeremiah, and shortly after, you left. I thought you broke it off, and I decided I would not hold it against Nate. But I could see how devastated he became. After he left yesterday... I don't know anything anymore."
I didn't know what to say.
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She turned to Nate.
"I hoped it would be over when Rick left, and we could somehow resume normally, but when I finally left that room, I couldn't help but feel like I've lost you already."
"You never lost me, Ashley. I want to be there for you and the baby. But I want to be with Richard."
"How exactly do you imagine that?!" she raised her voice in frustration. Asking the question I've been asking for months. Then, she broke down crying.
"Ashley, I am sorry."
