Husband of My Homophobic Sister

Chapter 27 - Can we talk?

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Apr. 3rd, 2020:

I woke up a few times during the night. I missed him next to me. I felt like a junkie locked in a dark room to sober up. I kept crying, pressing his shirt to my face and breathing in the smell of his. Finally, when the sun started rising, I couldn't bear it any longer and reached for my phone, switching it on.

A couple of notifications popped up. Nate, Jerry even Ashley. Missed calls, messages, ... I felt exhausted.

I opened only those from Nate. Mostly he said how sorry he was, how much he cared for me, and just to let him know I was all right.

I stared at them, feeling so weak.

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Nate Hayes: Richard?

A new message just popped up. He must have been staring at his phone. This message came too fast.

I gazed at the screen. I didn't know if I wanted to talk with him.

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Nate: Please...

Rick: hi

Nate: How do you feel?

Rick: broken

Nate: me too

Nate: Would you come back? Can we talk about it?

Rick: I don't think that's a good idea Nathaniel... sorry

Nate: why?

Rick: you know why

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Three dots appeared and then faded away. This repeated once more before the message popped up.

Nate: please tell me

Rick: I'm not strong enough to see you and be able to leave again

Nate: then don't! Stay here with me!

Rick: what about Ashley? What about your kid?

Nate: we can tell her!

Nate: I can tell her right now!

Nate: I wanted to tell her yesterday

I grabbed my head in frustration and anxiety.

Rick: DON'T!

Nate: Why??

Rick: Do not do this to her, Nate! Do not tell her. Ever!

He saw it, but he didn't reply for long seconds. I stared at the screen, wiping my tears and just sobbing silently, waiting.

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Nate: What do you mean?

Rick: If you tell her, she will push you away. You will never see your kid, and that little child will grow up with a traitor instead of a father. Please don't do it to them!

Nate: She would understand

Rick: No, she wouldn't

Rick: She'd rather get rid of you than watch you day after day, reminding her of it

Nate: I don't think she would do that

Rick: For fuck's sake, Nate, you know she casts away people in her lives if she feels disappointed in them. You know she rather is alone than hurt. It's not just me. I've seen her do that to friends and boyfriends. She more likely leaves than deal with it.

Nate: Like you did now?

Rick: I did that for her and your child!!

Nate: Richard, please... She changed a lot from the time you were kids. Give her a chance

Nate: Give us a chance!

Rick: No.

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I sat on my bed furiously typing while tears streamed down my face, and I hated my whole life and everything in it at this moment!

Rick: I cannot do that! I grew up without a father in my life. All I got was a stranger living behind morning paper. I never felt like I had a dad who cared for me, and that broke me more than my grandfather beating the shit out of me. I am not purposefully taking a father away from a child. No way!

Nate: I will still be here for that child Richard. I just will be by your side!

Rick: Ash would never let you! One of the first things she told me when I returned to that house was that she didn't want her children to be influenced by something so fucked up as a gay man. How do you think that would go?

Nate: She said that because she was angry, Richard. She told me herself! She didn't mean that.

Rick: I don't believe that! She wasn't nice to me one day when I was there

Nate: Richard... She was, but you kept being rude to her constantly

Rick: I am not going into this again. It doesn't matter anymore

Nate: Don't make me do this! Richard PLEASE!

Rick: I am sorry

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Another empty silence before messages came in quick succession.

Nate: Do you realize what you are asking of me?

Nate: How can you be so selfish when you know how much you mean to me?

Nate: You want me to go back to something I cannot be anymore!

Rick: Nathaniel! I fucking love you!!

Rick: For the first time since I left that house, I've decided NOT to be selfish!

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Nate: I cannot do this, Richard! How do you expect us to see each other when you will visit? Should I pretend like I never loved you?

This was the first time we said it... And in such a heartbreaking way, my silent tears became loud sobs. I was broken beyond repair. I felt like nothing mattered anymore. Like this world was one giant black hole pulling me in.

Rick: I will never visit

Nate: Are you serious?

Rick: Yes.

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There was silence from both sides for a long time. Not even three dots like he is writing and deleting. Nothing. I cried like my life was ending, and I felt it was.

Nate: is this really over?

Rick: I am sorry

Nate: I cannot do this anymore, Richard. I love you. Please come back to me

Rick: I can't

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Nate: What about your things?

Rick: Keep them, toss them, put them in the basement; I don't care

This conversation was painfully dragging, like I've tried to stay engaged at whatever cost, afraid that everything would end once it finished. But it must!

R: Goodbye, Nathaniel; I will never forget you

With that, I left the conversation. I should have blocked him, but as if Nate knew it was pointless to contact me further, and I was never that person blocking numbers.

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I was too empty to cry more. I just dragged myself to the bathroom and, without any life in me, undressed and showered. I spend the rest of the day in that room. I was working, eating, and sleeping without any sense of meaning or enjoyment.

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This has become my new life for now. Ben, Sheila, and Peter often came to "my room." Sheila was so happy she saw me. She was ecstatic when we told her I would be there for a couple of days. Sheila was a little bundle of joy, and with kindergartens closed and her being stuck with the rest of us inside, she enjoyed having me there the most. We played often, and I tried but couldn't enjoy it. So I at least pretended I did. Ben saw it, and I think Peter as well, but we spent a couple of days like this - I pretended to be okay, and they respected that.

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Meaningless work, meaningless play, meaningless talks. I couldn't sleep and barely ate, and the idea of leaving the house was scarier than that time when the pandemic started, and we were told to stay indoors during the lockdown. If I weren't living with Ben, Sheila, and Peter, I would not even shower or get out of bed, to be honest. I didn't care for anything.

Cor and Dora, with little Brian, came to visit often, they made this kind of bubble during the lockdown with Ben's family, and they've been over nearly every other day.

It was weird and complicated. I had to spend time with two couples and their kids right after I left the man I loved because of his unborn child. Irony...

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We went running with Ben and Cor many times. I told them everything, and they listened every time, but after a few runs like this, I didn't want to think or talk about it anymore.

I would write more, but there isn't much I remember from this time of my life more than desperation, guilt, crying into Nate's shirt, and scrolling in a loop through those few pictures I had of him.

Nathaniel hasn't contacted me, and neither did Jerry or Ashley. I was grateful for that. I wouldn't know what to tell them.

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Apr. 23rd, 2020:

Cor, Dora, and Brian were visiting again. They played downstairs with Sheila and the guys, and I tried to work a little.

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"Rick, get dressed. We are going out!" Cor stood above me suddenly.

"Why?"

"I need to put Brian to sleep; he sleeps best outside."

"Sure, but why do I need to go?"

"When was the last time you went outside?"

"Couple days ago."

"I don't mean night run, Rick. I mean during the day."

"What is the difference?"

"Rick. Get dressed!"

"No, I am swamped."

"Then make some time. Brian is already dressed. Come on!"

"Seriously, Cor, stop that!"

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She came closer, her authoritative frown grew gentler, and she sat next to my legs.

"Rick, please come. I need to talk to you."

"About what?"

She just shook her head like, "Not here." Great...

"Okay, give me three minutes."

"Thank you. I will wait downstairs."

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We went to a nearby park. Since this pandemic started, people have gone more and more to parks and woods. It was surreal, in a way.

"What did you want to talk about?" I asked when that little guy fell asleep.

She looked at me, sad and caring. "How are you holding up?"

"Barely," I told the truth.

"I can see that. You don't need to always keep that fake smile on."

"I don't have it on all the time. I cry a lot at night."

"I am sorry."

"Me too, but no point in talking about that."

"How is Nate doing?"

"I don't know. We are not in contact."

"Do you really think Ashley wouldn't be able to handle that?"

"No. If I had stayed there, Nate would have had to choose between his child and me. I am not strong enough for that."

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"Have you ever cared about someone this much, Rick?"

"In a way, yes. But never after this short time. I was hoping that I would feel better after I left."

"What do you mean?"

"You know, we started very fast, and in truth, I wasn't sure if I wanted him or felt so guilty about screwing Ash's husband that I wanted it to mean something. I had that doubt for some time. So I hoped that when the guilt was lifted, and there would be no more cheating and sneaking around, I would feel somehow lighter."

In some way, I felt like wearing the mask outside gave me some sort of shield, and I was able to say all this aloud for the first time. It felt good, to be honest.

"Right. And you don't?"

"No. I feel like a huge part of me was ripped apart, and I cannot fill that hole with anything."

My vision became blurry, and I quickly wiped my eyes into my sleeve.

"Don't you then think it's worth fighting for?"

"I already burned that bridge. Who am I to return after I've sent him back to play good husband and ask him to choose me this time? Still, I would feel guilty for the baby. I cannot do that to them."

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We walked for a while in silence.

"So what will be now?"

"I don't know. I will look for some other apartment. Preferably in another city."

"What about us?"

"What do you mean?" I looked at her.

"Me, Ben, don't you want to stay here with us?"

"You don't need me, Cor. You both have families. I am just a fun uncle. Well, not much fun these days."

"You are much more than that, Rick. You know that."

I hugged her around the shoulders. "I know, thanks. I am really grateful I have you in my life."

She smiled at me, but before she could reply, she turned as she heard her name.

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In front of us were two men. One was 5'10-5'11 with a bulky body and broad shoulders. Dark hair combed back in this typical businessman's hairstyle. He wore a fitted blue suit that looked expensive, and with the way he walked, you could tell this man prides himself on being in charge. Yet, even though his brown eyes smiled, there was this aggression oozing from him.

Next to him was the weirdest match you would expect walking alongside a man like that. A guy about my height with light blue eyes behind glasses and an unkept blond beard was poking here and there from his green mask. His hair was slightly longer. As if he just let them grow as they pleased, and for now, the front was just under his cheekbones, but I could easily imagine him with hair longer than under his shoulders. He had this cheeky spark, and it looked like everything in life for him was part of a carefree stroll.

He wore this grey shirt and opened black leather jacket, paired with plain blue jeans and converse shoes that looked like they had a couple of good years and miles behind them.

With the first man, you thought he shouldn't take himself so seriously, and with the second, you would think he should take himself just a bit more seriously if possible. Yet they walked so close one just knew they were together. I would guess they were friends.

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"Cortney?"

"Hi Matt, how are you?"

"Great, how about you? Is Brian sleeping?" his voice softened into a hush when he looked at that little man. "He's growing so fast..."

She looked at him with an expression I don't think I ever saw on her, and I wasn't really sure what to think of it. "Yeah, time flies."

"How is Dora?"

"She is resting. We went for a walk."

"Yeah, it's crazy being stuck inside the house." the blond man said with a grin.

"Right, Cortney, this is Brandon, my friend. Brandon, this is Cortney. She is Dora's wife."

"Nice to meet you. I heard a lot about you!"

"About me? What, for example?"

"That Dora is a lucky woman, of course," he smirked. Who are these men?

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I looked at Cor.

"This is Rick, my best friend. Rick, this is Matt Sanders, Dora's boss."

"Good to meet you, Rick Thornton." I offered him a hand in a handshake, and he took it but looked confused.

"Thornton? Are you by any chance brother of Ashley Hayes?"

"Yes, do you know Ashley?"

Cor looked confused as well.

"Well, yeah." he looked at Brandon, and Brandon didn't have any of those smirks on his face now. They both seemed deadly serious, and it was making me nervous.

"Could we talk for a minute?" Matt asked as he let go of my hand.

Why does everyone need to talk with me today?

"About what?" Then it dawned on me, Matt, and Brandon. This pairing couldn't be accidental. They are friends. They are best friends. They are Nate's best friends! "Is John and Dan coming also?"

Cor frowned and kept glancing at Matt and me like she was trying to understand what was happening. But, honestly, if she didn't look so flabbergasted, I would accuse her of instigating this whole situation. On the other hand, Matt and Brandon looked like we were exactly on the same page.

"Actually, we were just about to meet them, but Nate is also coming. So I don't think that's a good idea."

I could see from how Brandon said that he greatly cares about Nate. This originally carefree-looking dude switched into a protective father figure within a second he heard my name. I admired that.

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I looked into Matt's eyes. If I remember correctly, he is the one with anger issues. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and decided whatever was going to happen would not happen in front of sleeping Brian.

"Cor, I will meet you at Ben's."

"Do you know each other?"

"They are Nate's best friends. We will talk for a bit. Don't worry."

Cor knew me better than anyone, and she could see I was tense as fuck. I suppose she thought it was because of our recent breakup.

"Are you sure?"

I nodded.

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"Okay, see you then. Bye, Matt. Brandon."

They said their goodbyes, and we stood there silently for a minute. I was not sure if those two won't try to beat me up. Hopefully not, but with how I hurt Nate, I thought myself that I would deserve it.

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>> Chapter 28 - At Brandon's place