Holy Father

I looked in the mirror as I adjusted the knot of my tie. My light brown eyes and scruffy, college-kid beard flashed back at me. I couldn't believe my life had really reached this point⁠-- getting ready for church on a Sunday morning? Voluntarily? I'd never have imagined it back in high school.

But recently I had been feeling... confused. About my sexuality, if I was being honest, though I could barely admit it to myself. Religion seemed like the answer, a way to nip things in the bud and get back on the right path.

And I'd kind of been looking forward to going to church. It was a quiet, contemplative way to spend the morning, and the idea of hearing a thought-provoking sermon was appealing.

Intellectually I knew that religion was for chumps, but sometimes it's nice to be a chump.

I was already wearing a tie, so all I had to do was throw on a blazer and I was set. The blazer was a little warm for the early May morning, but it felt good to look nice. I was a little concerned that it made me look younger than my 19 years, but I figured I would try to dress up a little while I was at it.

I made it out of my dorm room and jogged down the stairs before I had a chance to change my mind. I was going to church. For the first time in my life, I was a little excited about it.

---

I arrived at the church a few minutes early. It was a small parish on the edge of town, and the building was more of a sanctuary than a church. I had to walk down a few steps to get inside. There was a small podium and a large crucifix at the back of the room. On the walls were the standard tacky and useless religious posters and paintings. The whole room was dim and quiet and smelled like cinnamon and pine.

I was still early, and the place was empty. I took a seat on one of the pews and waited for the mass to start.

Not long after, I heard the faint sound of footsteps. I turned to see a young man coming down the stairs. He was wearing a black cassock with a purple stole around his neck.

I watched him get closer. He was very handsome, with dark hair and deep, brooding eyes. Everything about him was intense, from his intense gaze to his intense body. His shoulders were broad, his waist trim, his hair short and messy.

He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked around, a benign smile on his face. He was a little older than me, maybe not more than a few years, but there was no doubt that he was in charge. His entire demeanor was confident and imposing.

"Good morning!" he called out. "Welcome to Mass!"

I smiled as he approached. He was wearing a thin gold chain around his neck, with a tiny cross hanging from it.

"Thank you," I said with a little bow of my head. "I hope I'm not too early."

"Not at all," he said. "You're a little early, but I'm glad you're here. What's your name?"

"My name is... Marcus."

"Marcus?" the priest said.

"Yes, sir." I looked at him, suddenly feeling nervous. His eyes were unnerving.

"I'm Father Brennan," he said. "It's very nice to meet you, Marcus."

He held out his hand, and I shook it. It was strong, but his grip wasn't too tight. He was in control, but in a way that was gentle and kind. I liked that about him.

"So, Marcus," he said. "You're new to church?"

"Yes, sir," I replied. "But I've been meaning to get to church more than ever lately. I... uh... I think I'm dealing with some things."

"I understand," Father Brennan said. "I'm here to help in any way I can."

"Well, I don't know if you can or not," I said, laughing nervously.

"If you need someone to talk to, I'm here," he said.

"I... I don't think I want to talk about it," I said.

Father Brennan smiled and shrugged.

"That's fine," he said. "But I'm sitting right there by the podium, and this is my church. If you need anything, just let me know."

There was a pause as we looked at each other for a moment.

"Alright," I said.

"Good." He smiled. "I'm glad you're here."

He turned around and walked back to the podium, sitting on one of the stools that were behind it. He picked up his bible and began to read. It was a good sign that he was so engrossed in the book. It showed that he was interested in the service more than in making small talk or trying to get me to open up.

I looked at him for a moment more, then I turned back towards the front of the room. I felt a little more confident now that the handsome priest was around. I was here for a reason, and I wanted to hear what he had to say.

I didn't have to wait long before the doors of the church opened. A few more parishioners walked into the room, all of them dressed up in their Sunday finest. I turned around to look at them, but they all were too busy greeting Father Brennan to notice me.

When the door was finally closed, everyone turned to face the front of the sanctuary. Father Brennan cleared his throat and began to speak.

"Good morning, brothers and sisters," he said. "Today, we are learning more about God's word. We are studying the book of John. For those of you who are new, welcome to Christ Tabernacle. It's a pleasure to have you here with us today. Let us pray."

I knelt down and crossed myself. I couldn't help but notice that the priest's cassock made him look like he had a huge bulge running down the length of his leg.

I kept my eyes on the floor as the priest began the prayers. There was something about his voice that was oddly soothing, and I could feel the stress leaving my body as it entered his.

After the prayer, Father Brennan began to preach. The words were like music, like a song I'd never heard before. I'd always heard sermons, but this was different. He spoke directly to me, and I felt that he was speaking directly to me.

"John's gospel tells us that Jesus was God's perfect love made flesh," he said. "And the only reason that Jesus could be God's perfect love was because he was born of God's perfect love. God's love cannot be divided. It is infinite. And so, if Jesus was born of God's perfect love, it means that he was not born of a mere man. He was also born of a woman.

"We tend to think that the birth of Jesus to Mary is an insignificant part of the gospel," he continued. "After all, it is not a story of sex and seduction. It's just a story of a mother and a son. But there is something very ancient and very powerful in this story. There is a kind of magic in this story."

I leaned forward and listened closely. I was finding it difficult to keep my eyes off the bulge in the priest's cassock. I looked at it, and I felt like I didn't want to look away.

"The story of the birth of Jesus is not a story about a man and a woman," Father Brennan said. "It is the story of a man and a goddess. What we know as the birth of Jesus was really the birth of Jehovah to a woman named Mary. Jesus was not a man. Jesus was a god, and he was born of a woman, by a goddess."

The congregation nodded as he spoke. I stared at the priest as he lectured, as his eyes were ablaze with a heavenly fire. He was a prophet, a holy man, a messenger from the divine.

"God came to earth as a man, and that is because we are nothing but men," Father Brennan said. "God is perfect, and so the only way that we could ever know God is if God were to come to us in human form. But when God came to us in human form, it was not an equal exchange. There was still a difference in power and status. God was still in control. God was still in charge.

"This is an important and often overlooked fact," he continued. "When God came to earth in human form, we were in no way equal to him. He was an infinitely powerful god. We were little more than ants. In any true sense of the word, Jesus was never a man. He was always a god, and he has been a god for thousands of years before coming to the Earth. Only in human form was he one of us. So, when we stand in front of Jesus, we are not standing in front of a man, but a god. It is only right that we kneel."

Father Brennan started to kneel, and everyone in the congregation followed suit. I was kneeling, too.

"We are not equal to our savior," he said. "We are not equal to God. We are nothing more than ants in the magnificence of the universe. We are nothing but dirt in the eyes of God. And so, it is right that we kneel. For the only thing that we can do is lie prostrate before the divine. For the only thing that we can do is fall prostrate before the king. For the only thing that we can do is fall prostrate before god."

Everyone started to fall to the floor, and it didn't take me long to do the same. I felt something building inside of me, something that was bigger than me, something that was bigger than everything.

I was kneeling towards the front of the sanctuary, and I looked up at the priest. He was holding his bible up in front of him like a shield in front of a warrior. He was staring down the congregation, and he almost looked like he was in a trance.

Father Brennan closed his eyes tightly, and he began to recite the Lord's Prayer in Aramaic. I didn't know what he was doing, but I just wanted to lie there on the floor and listen to him speak. I could feel myself slipping into a trance, into a waking dream.

I could feel the slightest bit of drool coming out of my mouth. It was running down my cheek towards the floor, but I didn't care. I wanted to be there with Father Brennan. I wanted to be with him forever.

"Our Father in heaven," he said, reciting the prayer in Aramaic. "Holy is your name. Your kingdom comes. Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."

The words were like magic, like a spell, like a fairy tale. And I believed them, even though I didn't understand them. I believed in the magic of the Lord's prayer.

"Give us this day our daily bread," Father Brennan said. "And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors."

The words were washing over my body, and I was feeling relaxed and relaxed and relaxed. I wanted to stay in that position for the rest of my life. I wanted to feel that trance forever.

"And lead us not into temptation," the priest said. "But deliver us from evil. For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and ever. Amen."

"Amen," we said.

I opened my eyes and looked in front of me. Father Brennan was standing up in his cassock, and he was smiling. Everyone else in the room was getting back to their feet.

"And now, I want to introduce a new member of the congregation," Father Brennan said. "It is good to have him here with us, and it is good to have him among us."

My stomach dropped, and my entire body froze. I was going to have to stand up in front of the entire church. I was going to have to introduce myself to everybody.

I felt a shiver run down my spine. I began to panic.

"Please help us welcome Marcus," the priest said, pointing directly at me. "Please welcome our brother Marcus."

I walked slowly to the front of the sanctuary, feeling like I was walking on eggshells. I was shaking, and my entire body was vibrating. I walked past the pews, and I could feel the eyes of the entire congregation on me. I felt like I was going to pass out.

I walked up to the priest, and he looked me in the eyes.

"Tell us a bit about yourself," he smiled. "We want to learn more about you."

I glanced at the congregation, and then I looked back at Father Brennan. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I had to talk. I had to say something. I had no idea what I was going to say, but I knew that I had to say something.

"I don't know," I said. "I'm nineteen, and I go to college here in town. I'm working at a coffee shop. I like to read and write, and I like to play the guitar."

I stopped talking, and I felt like I had nothing more to say. I wanted to keep talking, and I wanted to keep explaining myself. But I couldn't remember anything else. And I didn't know what else to say.

"There is nothing else?" Father Brennan asked. "There is no other form of self-expression? No other part of you that you have to offer?"

I paused, but I didn't have an answer. I couldn't think. I couldn't think of anything to say.

"There is something else," Father Brennan said. "There is something more. And you will find it. You will find it in time. And when it comes, you will be able to stand in front of this congregation."

I nodded, and then I stared at the floor. I didn't know what else to say.

"And I know that you will be able to stand in front of this congregation," the priest continued. "Because the right thing will happen."

I nodded again, and then I walked back to my seat. nobody was watching me. Everyone was facing forward, and everyone was looking forward. I was still shaking, and I was still vibrating, but it didn't matter. I had done it. Everyone had immersed themselves in the mass, and I had been accepted for who I was.

When the mass was over, I waited for everyone to exit the church, and then I walked out of the sanctuary. I was excited and felt every moment deeply. I felt like I was sleeping and dreaming, but everything around me was real, and I could feel it. I was breathing in life, and I was breathing to the fullest. The dialects of English and the songs of the church were all running through my mind. I was a part of it all, and I was a new member of the congregation.

I walked down the steps, and I left the church without saying anything. And that was okay. I didn't need to say anything. The doors were wide open, and the sunlight was bright outside.

---

After church, I went back to my dorm and took a long nap. Far from being exhausted from having gotten up early, I was feeling rejuvenated, and I wanted to lie in bed for a while. I was still thinking about the mass, and I was still thinking about Father Brennan. I wanted to think about him more. I wanted to think about him forever.

I woke up a few hours later, and I felt a twinge of hunger in my stomach. I wasn't hungry for food. I was hungry for something else. I got out of bed and looked in the mirror. A burning desire, a confusing desire, was inside of me. I couldn't articulate it but I felt its power. I needed to see Father Brennan, and I needed to see him now. I googled the phone number for the church office and called, not sure exactly what I was doing. I was just following my instinct and feeling the burning desire inside of me.

After a few rings, a woman picked up the phone. She sounded friendly and professional.

"This is Father Brennan's office," she said. "This is Sister Ann. How can I help you?"

I paused, and I swallowed hard. I took a deep breath, and then I closed my eyes.

"I'm Marcus," I said. "Marcus Walker. I was at the mass this morning."

"Yes, I remember you," Sister Ann said. "Nice to talk to you again. Father Brennan and I were wondering if you would like to come by and chat. If you like, we can make you lunch, and we can catch up."

"That sounds great," I said. "That sounds amazing. I would love to come over. When should I come over?"

"How does right now sound?" Sister Ann asked. "You're only a few minutes away, aren't you?"

"I live on campus, but I can come over now," I said. "I can walk over now."

"That sounds great," Sister Ann said. "Father Brennan will be so happy to see you again. He's so happy to have you here at the church. This is a happy time for everybody."

I walked over to the church, and it didn't even feel like I was walking. I felt like I was flying. My feet were barely touching the ground, and I was feeling light as a feather. I didn't understand what was happening, but I understood that it was all okay.

I knocked on the door to the rectory. The door was made of dark wood with old carved designs. I saw the doorknob turn, and then the door opened. Sister Ann looked into my eyes, and then she smiled.

"Come on in, Marcus," she said. "Father Brennan is upstairs, and he'll be pleased to see you. He's very happy that you're here."

I walked into the rectory, and I gave a smile back to Sister Ann. I wasn't sure what to do next. I was standing in a small foyer, and there were a few pictures of Jesus on the walls. I took a deep breath and walked up the stairs. I was clearly in a beautiful old building that had a lot of history.

I walked down a hallway with a gorgeous pattern of wallpaper. It looked kind of like a water color, and I felt a sense of peace. I knew that Father Brennan was waiting for me, and I knew that everything was going to be okay. I knew that Father Brennan knew exactly what to do, and I knew that I would be happy with him.

I knocked on the door to his private room, and I heard footsteps on the other side. He opened the door and welcomed me in with a smile.

"Marcus," he said. "How wonderful to see you again. I'm glad that you were able to come over."

"I'm glad to be here," I said. "I'm glad that Sister Ann invited me. I didn't know if you'd be free or not."

"I'm always free for you," he said. "I'm always happy to see you."

I walked into the living room, and Sister Ann was already setting up a tray with a few slices of bread and some cheese. She smiled, and she started pouring me a glass of wine. I could see tiny particles floating in the wine, shimmering in the light like tiny red diamonds.

"You can sit down," Sister Ann said. "You can help yourself to a glass of wine, and we'll all eat together. I think we're going to have a very nice visit."

I took a bite of bread and cheese, and I looked at Father Brennan across the table. I didn't know exactly what to say, but I knew that everything was going to be okay. There was still a burning desire inside of me, and I didn't think I would ever feel completely satisfied, but I knew that Father Brennan was right. It would come to me, and it would happen in the right way.

"You were so inspiring this morning," I said. "I was so glad to see you up there. I went up to you afterwards and talked to you, but I didn't know what to do. I don't really know what to say to you."

"Nothing needs to be said," Father Brennan said. "Witches have been burned for telling the truth, and here we are telling the world the truth. And the truth will set us free. The truth will release us from all of our burdens."

"It's so confusing," I said. "I don't know how it all works, but I want to know more. I want to know everything. I didn't think I would ever feel this way."

"You're a brave fellow," Father Brennan said. "You're a good person, and you're a good man. You're a strong man, Marcus."

Sister Ann handed me a glass of wine, and I took a sip from the glass. I looked at the wine, and it was a deep color with a rich taste. I felt a slight buzz in my head, and I felt a slight warmth in my body. I felt a connection to Father Brennan, and I felt a connection to Sister Ann. I suddenly loved them both with everything that was inside of me.

"I'm feeling it," I said. "I'm feeling a connection to everything. I'm feeling a connection to you two."

"That's a good feeling, isn't it?" Father Brennan asked. "And it comes from a good place."

"It feels so good," I said.

"Father Brennan is a great teacher," Sister Ann said. "He's a great teacher of the mysteries, and of the spirit. He's been my teacher, and he's been my friend. I couldn't have done it without him."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I came here last year," Sister Ann said. "to learn how to be a nun. I'm a nun now, and I'm going to start teaching next year. This is my home. This is my family. I couldn't say it better than that."

"Everybody has to start somewhere," Father Brennan said. "Everybody has to learn how to take care of our temple. Our bodies are sacred. We need to be nice to our bodies, and we need to love our bodies."

"I want to learn more," I said. "I want to learn everything."

"You're the type of person who is meant to be here," Sister Ann said. "Vehicle of light. I can tell when I see you. You're a good man with a good heart. You're a good soul. You're here because you're supposed to be here, Marcus."